letter to baby

So since I cant sleep due to insomnia from my earlier steriod shot I thought that I would write a letter to Little buddy while I wait for ambien to come and help--

Dear Little Buddy,
Your mom cant sleep right now because she has so many thoughts racing through her mind. I need to settle my thoughts and my heart for both our sakes. So here is something you probably didnt know about your ole mom.

James,it is my favorite book of the Bible. The first time I ever remember turning to the Lord I sat down, cried out to God and opened my Bible to James. I had never read James (I honestly didn’t even know it was a book in the Bible) and started reading. This was the first time I ever felt comforted by the Lord, the first time I felt He knew me personally and knew my struggle and was there to help. The entire book of James has continually been a book that I swear God included in the Bible just for me.

Consider it pure joy whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does. (James 1:2-8)

I know that in this trial right now, being stuck in a hospital bed for weeks and being unsure of what to do, what to think, being scared for your life, praying for you daily—I KNOW that I am growing in my faith in God’s plan for my family. For OUR family. I know that I can boldly come to the Lord and ask him for wisdom of what to do in this situation, how to react in this situation, I know I can pray for wisdom for me and for your doctors, nurses, etc. God will give me all the wisdom I need and be generous in doing so! Right now I am working on not doubting—I am working on remembering that you and me right now—this situation—is for God’s glory and OUR good.

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. (James 4:7-10)

I know that right now the devil is waiting for me to lose faith, waiting for me to be disheartened so he can get a foothold in my heart. He is waiting for me to have that moment of weakness where I cry out “why” and think “it’s not fair”. But I know that if I keep turning to the Lord—if I keep lifting YOU up to the Lord Little Buddy that he will draw near to us, hold us and keep us safe.

Brothers, as an example of patience in the face of suffering, take the prophets who spoke in the name of the Lord. As you know, we consider blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job's perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy. (James 5:10-11)

The book of James has so much wisdom—patience in the face of suffering. Easier said than done—but it is so comforting to know that the Lord IS full of compassion and mercy. Little Buddy—I know that everything will be okay despite getting bad news on top of bad news. I know that when I finally do get to meet you, whether that is sooner or later than I planned, I know it will be perfect in God’s timing and that God is going to get us through this, both of us. We are so lucky to have a God who understands our troubles, who understands my hurting right now. God is so good. I cant wait to see what the Lord is finally going to bring us after all this is said and done! I cant wait to look back at this situation with the clarity that comes with time and say, “THAT’S why God chose for me to go through that—I NEEDED THAT SITUATION TO GROW” I know that in time I will inevitably be saying those words about this.

I love you little buddy and I can’t wait to see you on the outside and to love on you!

Love,
Mommy