1 week down, 1 to go

So I have now officially been on strict hospital bedrest for 1 whole week--7...long...days...and I have at least until Jan 18th (wait scratch that--they changed my ultrasound to Jan 19th because apparently they are big on torture here at Good Sam)

But on the 19th I will be getting my repeat growth scan that will tell me if the bedrest is helping or not. In the past week a few things have happened:

-I get daily NST (non-stress tests) twice a day to monitor the baby, check for contractions, etc. Within these NST's they like to see at least 2 accelerations in the babys hearrate in a 10minute period--generally I am on the monitor around 30-40 mins before I get my 20 solid minutes of good hearrate readings. The nurses have always said that my results are good...until today

-This morning I had to go down to the Seton Center (for the 2nd time in an hour and a half) to have a BPP done...a BPP is a biophysical profile-- The BPP measures the baby's heart rate, muscle tone, movement, breathing, and the amount of amniotic fluid around the baby. Little buddy wasnt moving at all despite all the prodding of the tech so this took a while for them to see the breath signs they need but I suppose it went okay since they didnt call a dr in and they sent me back up to SCOB (special care OB where I am staying)

- I have also been getting a regular ultrasounds to check my amniotic fluid level and umbilical cord pressure, apparently at my last ultrasound (on the 4th) the umbilical cord flow (also known as doppler flow velocimetry)they measure how much amniotic fluid I have (which has always been normally thankfully) and they measure the resistance and velocity of the blood flow to the baby (this can show if there are problems that can be affecting growth)apparently on the 4th I was within the high range of normal for the cord flow. They are watching to ensure that the blood flow pressure doesnt 1. increase, 2. decrease too much, 3. stop all together, 4. start flowing the wrong way--if any of these things were to happen we would be talking immediate induction--but Ive had two more ultrasounds since my one on the 4th and my doppler flow is gone down slightly (which is good since it was in the high range of normal on the 4th)The ultrasound tech did note though that there is a substantial difference in my doppler flow depending on my positioning (she said i have MUCH better flow when I am on my left side which isnt surprising and that she woldnt be surprised if the dr's added that to my bedrest regime--meaning I would not only be not allowed out of bed except to use the bathroom but i would need to stay laying on my left side for the majority of the day)


-I also found out what Little Buddy weighed at my Ultrasound on the 4th, he was a whopping 1lb, 13oz. which was basically no change from the 2 weeks prior--this news was really sad for me, I know that at this stage of pregnancy baby's DO grow alot, on avg. 1/2 lb per week, so even if Little Buddy starts growing at an average growth rate (which he hasnt yet this pregnancy) after weeks of bedrest he will still weigh less than 3lbs...my fear is that when I go in for my ultrasound on the 19th they will find something they dont like or Little Buddy wont have grown as much as they wanted and they will want to induce me and he will be born weighing less than 3lbs--this REALLY REALLY scares me--it scares me because I know that caucasian males have the lowest success rates when it comes to being in the NICU, it scares me because 3lbs is really...really...really....little and there is a chance that he could be even smaller (2lbs 13oz on the 19th would be if he was growing normally)

I pretty much have moved from having fears of him coming early, or having a chromosomal issue or later health issue to having fears of him not living. I know that it is horrible and morbid to think but I cannot help but fear the worst-- I am really really working hard in trusting God right now, but I am hoping for a miracle at this point because I just cant put an optimistic twist into the situation I am in right now. I couldnt imagine going home without a baby. It hurts my heart to even type that, think that or acknowledge that there is the slightest possiblity of that occuring. Maybe God is waiting to give me good news because in the short week Ive been here Ive gone from being sad about small things, like the possibility that my baby might have Downs or other delays, to realizing I DONT CARE WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM I JUST WANT HIM HERE ALIVE! Maybe I am supposed to be focusing on the simple blessing that is life and not the other details--well now I am doing that...

I apologize for the negativity of this post but, its an update nonetheless and is easier to post on here than to talk about out loud, so it is what it is...

O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you percieve my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord....For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mothers womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be....Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting (Psalm 139)

I know that the Lord is not done working on Little Buddy--He is forming him and planning his life right now--ordaining his days--I just need to work on getting my heart in the right place again