skinny lil chicken legs

2 posts in 1 day--crazy I know! But honestly I havent had a ton to really post about...surprisingly by the 4th week of bedrest you are kinda tapped out w/ exciting news! haha Things are pretty mundane here at Good Sam-I've gotten into a pretty easy routine of eating, sleeping, showering and watching Lost on my computer haha Last night Donnie and I took another NICU tour (this time it was for Donnie since he missed the last one) and it was great! I will say it was a little better than last time simply because the nurse knew some better answers to my questions about carseats, pumping/feeding, etc. She was also very kind to ask alot of questions about where we were at and what our specific situation was--knowing how far along I am, that we have an IUGR baby she made to point out some things that would be more specific for when little buddy is born. We got to see a few babies that were close in size to what he will be which was helpful--let me tell you it is strange to look at a 1lb 13oz. preemie and think "wow! the baby inside of me is bigger than that!" and even to look at a 2lb 2oz. preemie and think "thats how big little buddy is right now! look at those arms and legs! thats what I feel punching/kicking me!"

I also got to see a baby what was intubated which I didnt see last time--this was good for me because I saw that it wasnt as scary/painful looking as I was expecting. For some reason I was just thinking about what an adult that is intubated looks like and it looks so rough and painful to have that huge tube down your throat I was sad and scared for little buddy but after seeing this preemie I realized "well duh, the intubation tube for a preemie is itty bitty"--like smaller than my IV tubing used to be--not so painful and scary looking so that was good to see. The nurse also gave me snoedel-Preemies are usually separated from their parents and kept on ventilators, heart monitors, and other medical equipment. Instead of being totally isolated from the touch of his parents, the baby in NICU can have the comfort and scent of his mother near him, slowly being released through the accompanying Snoedel, to ease the separation and continue the parent-to- baby bonding process.They are designed specifically to absorb and retain a mother’s (or father’s) scent (they are filled w/ lambs wool). Then when held or placed near a newborn or infant the scent is slowly released to comfort the baby, thus improving sleep. The nurse said they always give them to moms but when she went to look for one to show me another nurse told me they werent going to be giving them away for too much longer so they went ahead and gave me one in case they were out by the time I deliver. So nice!

Still no updates on what to expect for next week so for now we are just praying and working on preparing ourselves for what is next--I am still struggling some w/ letting go of some of my feelings of "missing out". I am so blessed to be pregnant, and to have made it this far--I need to keep that in perspective--some woman would give anything to trade positions with me right now--even w/ the sucky bedrest and other struggles. So really, I am BLESSED! But, I am sinful and I am human and I do feel sadness about some of this. I feel sadness that more than likely I wont get to experience what going into labor feels like, I feel sadness that I wont be able to share my labor stories w/ other moms and be able to relate to what contractions feel like, I am scared of what it will be like to go home w/o a baby--to leave my newborn in the care of strangers (though I know how loving the NICU nurses are and how big of a heart they have for these babies--I think to work somewhere like a NICU you definitely have to feel called to work with these precious little lives--so I feel confident in those nurses)...basically its just me working still on accepting God's plans and not my own...working on trusting in His sovereignty and knowing that there is purpose to ever experience--not just the ones that go "normally".

So this week has just been some mental preparation, sitting around, not too much going on--I did think in light of my post from earlier that I would put a few pics of what I am starring at all day, every day--I feel like I've moved in here! Seriously--

This is my bathroom door/the wall right in front of my bed, Donnie brought the circular picture frame from home and hung it on a pre-existing nail in the wall lol and Please note the BEAUTIFUL drawings I have recieved from my loving nephews: the one on the door is courtesy of Andrew and William and on the fridge is a painting done by William and a picture of a beautiful sunset done by John Patrick :-) I <3>

These are the baskets I keep within arms reach next to my bed: One is full of activity books, knitting, crafts, etc. and the other is full of food (candy, homemade muffins, apples, oranges, mints, chocolate, granola bars, peanut butter crackers, pretzels, etc.) I thought for sure after eating all this food that I would be a big fat fatty next time I got weighed but they weighed me this past Monday (it had been a month and a half since I last stepped on the scale) and I had only gained 1lb! I was shocked--completely and utterly shocked--but then I was saddened when I realized its from all my muscle deteriorating haha so while I havent "gained" I've definitely gotten, uhh, flabby :-( haha oh well I have being pregnant as an excuse so I will just go with that-but thanks again to everyone for all the generous gifts! It keeps me sane!

Lastly this to my right, next to the bathroom door--and yes those are CARDS lining the top of the shelves! I have recieved so many and LOVE getting them in the mail, Donnie brings me the mail everyday (including bills and junkmail which arent as fun) but there are also cards which I love! I am saving them all to put in a memory box for little buddy that will have a variety of things from my pregnancy--so he will get to look back and see how much you all loved him already! Also yes, that is gilmore girls and frasier dvds to keep me busy too :-)

And finally, this post wouldnt be complete without some presh pics of little buddy! This just might be, one of my favorite ultrasound pics so far--its of his leg (from knee down to his little 2 1/2 inch foot!) I love his skinny lil chicken leg! This picture just seems so vulnerable and little and uhh I cant wait to snuggle him!!!

This is another profile shot of his face--he is so cute already! Both of these pics were taken at a random ultrasound I had last Friday (it was just to check fluid, doppler flow and check for breathing motions--dont get too excited)

Pay it forward!

Thank you to everyone for the huge outpouring of support! We have been so blessed, a huge thank you to (please forgive me if I am forgetting anyone here!):
Donna T. for the awesome gift basket
Hildy B. for the great gift bag full of goodies
The Sinclair Community College Child & Family Education Dept- the great gift basket
Amy S.-for the oh so tiny adorable preemie outfit and snuggy blankie and for taking the time to come and do my hair—the highlights look great!
Devon K. - for the great gift box—I’ve hung the pictures on my wall that the boys have done! Thank you also for all the support and listening to numerous crying phone calls late at night/during the day! Love you!
The New Hope Center ladies- For all the wonderful and uplifting cards
Dale, Donna & Crystal C. - thanks for the uplifting card and prayers
The anonymous card giver- you’re ridiculous cards are much enjoyed!
Our Grace Fellowship Family- thank you so much for all the supportive and uplifting cards, emails and phone cards!
Our amazing small group-thank you for hauling up here to have small group in the cafeteria! I literally look forward to it every day, all week!
Peg G. – the homemade potato soup was amazing
Dave & Meg- all of the homemade dinners are much appreciated—we love having you come and visit!
Shannon & Alex- thanks for dinner and the company we really appreciate visitors!
Krissy- thanks for the yummy Thai and for coming to visit, we so appreciate being able to hang out and laugh and feel normal
Kate & Kelly- thanks for stopping by so often and being so helpful—you both have helped to brighten my day and have helped encourage me to stay positive
Mom, dad & Brooke- thanks for the snacks, activity books, candy, flowers, DVD’s, visits, support, and all the wonderful help you have been!
Pat & Pam- thank you for numerous, numerous visits, for bringing breakfast, lunch and dinner (and chocolate) and all of the prayers and support
All our friends/family--thank you for the phone calls, for checking in on us, the numerous and overwhelming amount of prayers, letters, and well wishes

and last...but certainly not least:

To our anonymous gracious and very generous friend:
Donnie & I cannot begin to express the gratitude we have for your generous gift. We have been so touched by the outpouring of support we have received and you’re gift has truly helped lift some of the burden off of our shoulders. The Lord says that we should walk by each others' side through trials and strife and because of you—we are experiencing that firsthand. We have blessed enough to have friends like you to help us with this struggle and trial. Your humble graciousness has touched our hearts and reconfirmed that there is so much goodness in this world! We are blessed to have you as a friend and we will without a doubt be “paying it forward”! Please know that your generosity will be put to good use, and that we will be surely telling Little Buddy all about his secret angel! Thank you, thank you, thank you! We cannot express enough how appreciative we are!

Love,
The Glenn Family

sneaky sneaky

So after I updated yesterday I got ahold of my chart and ultrasound results for some real pics haha As you can see Donnie's rendition was pretty close to the real deal but this has some more numbers that might help it make a little more sense

This one shows his growth being charted from my last 4 ultrasounds--the line he is closest to is the line that represents the 10th percentile. To the right is a list of the dates the ultrasounds were done along with Fetus # (always just one little buddy haha) and the EFW (estimated fetus weight?) in grams and the percentile that his weight put him in. **So I wanted to try and make it that you could enlarge the pictures by clicking on them but I dont know if I did it right--click on it..did it work? hmmm **

This image is just a close-up of the growth chart. As you can see the "normal" growth trend lines start to go up much faster from this point forward and based on the pattern of LB's growth he will have to grow a lot to stay close to the 10th percentile. You can also see the 1 ultrasound that his growth was slightly above the 10th percentile--the dr's think this ultrasound was probably a fluke based on the 10% margin of error that exists with ultrasounds. Based on when my next ultrasound will be (I will be 33 weeks that day) LB would need to be at 1500 grams to be within the 10th percentile. Anything is possible with the Lord so that is what we are hoping for, but we are also realistic that 33 weeks may just be God's timing for Little Buddy to come out and meet everyone :-)

Hope this makes a little more sense--if not sorry I'm not good at math/statistics/looking at charts either so its kinda foreign for me too. Also, a big thanks to Hildy B. and Donna T. who both made me AWESOME gift baskets! It definitely helps brighten my day to get things like this and it touches my heart to know how much Donnie, LB and myself are cared about. We are so blessed to have such a wonderful family and group of friends! We love you guys! Also, an early thanks to all of my small group friends (and awesome small group leaders: Dave & Meg) for planning on having small group in the cafeteria this week.I really, really, really appreciate that you guys are willing to drive up here to help me feel a little bit normal--I'm sure that it will be an interesting experience to say the least and who knows maybe we can witness to unsuspecting hospital visitors/patients :-)

the LONG awaited ultrasound results

So, I apologize for the long lag time in posting an update, I literally just got to talk w/ Dr.Brady(yes--my ultrasound was at 10am and I didnt get any news until 5:45pm--it was torture). So the final verdict is....2 more weeks strict hospital bed rest. Little Buddy has gained some weight in the past 2 weeks, at my ultrasound on Jan 4th he was 1lb 13oz (830grams), the goal was for him to have grown to 1000grams by this ultrasound. Well today he measured 2lbs 2oz (964grams) so he didnt quite make it to the size they were hoping for but he did grow.

They compare his growth (from all the ultrasounds I have had) to a growth chart that shows the average growth rates of a baby at the different gestational ages. The picture below is a sample (courtesy of Donnie haha) of little buddy's growth.

As you can see he has gradually fallen off the low end of the curve (this isnt quite what the real growth chart looks since the lower blue line is the 10th percentile and little buddy is in the 2nd percentile) but you can see that he hasnt quite followed the curve with the past two ultrasounds....The dr's said though that ultrasounds have roughly a 10% margin of error (which they think it was a fluke that his growth even got above the curve for the 1 measurement you can see above) but they wanted to be sure that this growth from today's ultrasound wasnt a fluke either so they said that I will get another ultrasound in 2 weeks which will confirm that he isnt going to be back up to the 10th percentile and at that point the next step will be induction.

So for the time being they said they arent comfortable letting me do bed rest at home because I would have to be coming back to the hospital for monitoring and they arent comfortable w/ me moving that much (getting in the car, coming to the hospital, etc.) So I will be here on strict bed rest for another 2 weeks.

Some positives:

1)after my ultrasound in 2 weeks the dr's will be deciding for us what to do (it wont be a situation where we are presented with the decision of whether little buddy is better in or out--it will be that if he continues to grow so little they will induce)

2) the nurses are talking with the care coordinator for me to try and get the fee for my private room waived (I had a little bit of a meltdown in realizing that we couldnt afford the private for 2 more weeks and honestly my small bit of sanity would be lost if I had to share a room for the next 2 weeks) so getting that waived would be a huge blessing and nurses seem to think they can get the care coordinator to sign off on it

3) the spa people are starting to give facials as an option starting this friday so now I will have nice nails and good skin ha

4) I get to have 2 more weeks of being pregnant, this may seem strange since I'm not exactly comfortable being pregnant (clearly my body doesnt like having little buddy in--between the nausea and vomitting, to aches and pains, low blood pressure and headaches I'm basically a disaster) but I feel like I am already going to be missing out on alot of the "pregnancy experience" being that I will be induced early so it will be nice to reach as many milestones as I can while I am pregnant

5) if I am induced in 2 weeks it will be a much easier situation for my sister to be able to come and act as my doula, she was prepared to leave wisconsin and drive down today with her youngest if I ended up being induced but I know that this week is hectic for her and I will be happy knowing that if I go in 2 weeks it will be less stressful for her to be able to come (less stress for all involved is what I'm going for)

So that is what is going on--hopefully the above chart helped the situation make sense--its kinda confusing not having a picture of the real growth chart that shows his growth each week vs. where it should be, etc. but that pic is the best we could do (please note: I wanted to steal my chart out of the hallway and take an actual picture of the growth chart from my ultrasound results but my 'goody goody' husband wouldnt do it and Im not supposed to be out of bed so I will have to wait until I have a visitor who is willing to do my dirty work haha)

ultrasound

So we had our ultrasound--we are still waiting to talk to Dr.Brady about the results...I will update more later--Thanks for all the prayers!

about tomorrow...

So I thought I should do a quick update before our big ultrasound tomorrow...First I just wanted to post a picture of our sad Christmas tree that is no more...It stinks to think that when I come home (whenever that will be) my Christmas tree will be gone, my holiday lights will have been taken down, etc. Keep in mind this is not complaining--if I could jump for joy over the fact that I didnt have to take them down I would (thanks Pat & Pam :-) ) But it is sad to think that I came in during the holiday season and when I leave we will be moving on to the next holiday...So here's to you little Christmas tree and all the delight you brought me... Moving on to things that you all actually care to read about: I havent updated in a few days because not too much has really been happening. Donnie came by on Saturday evening (he had to work on Saturday-boo! but I understand since he is taking all day Tues. off) and within 2 hours of him being here he started to feel really yucky and realized he was coming down with the stomach flu. Donnie never gets sick so for him to say "babe, I dont feel good I need to go home" I know he's serious. Unfortunately, Saturday night was the evening we FINALLY had worked out a time for us BOTH to go on a NICU tour...but then obviously Donnie couldnt go because stomach virus and preemies dont mix. So Donnie went home much to my sadness but Kate just got off work and graciously offered to go with me...ya know..in case I had an emotional meltdown :-) which I very much appreciated and much to my surprise I didnt have any meltdowns..got teary-eyed a few times but nothing ridiculous, and I got to see first hand some tiny babies...but God must really be preparing my heart because even the 3lb baby we saw didnt really seem that little to me...I was thankful for this and I was thankful that I felt calm and prepared for when our little buddy is eventually going to be in the NICU

So that was my exciting Saturday evening, well I woke up on Sunday and got sick too! Boo to puking! But honestly it wasnt too horrible because at this point I am so used to feeling gross and pukey that it wasnt that different than a normal day haha but I didnt have any visitors because I didnt want to infect anyone (this bug must be seriously contagious since I barely was around Donnie and I caught it--or I just have bad luck haha...I'm thinking it might be the latter) so I just bummed around on Sunday and watched a ton of episodes of Lost and stayed drugged so that the vomitting and nausea stayed at bay. Today, thankfully, I am feeling better and keeping food down so that is a blessing.

Okay so the main reason I am updating this blog today: Donnie and I have talked about tomorrow and Ive obviously gone over in my head 875928753 times what it is going to be like. I obviously have some anxieties going in but one thing that you all can do to help is check my blog...thats right...just check my blog...meaning I plan on turning off my phone tomorrow and having Donnie do the same (for at least a good portion of the day) I think right now for my mental sanity the best option to update you all on what the dr's say is via this blog. I love talking to you all and giving updates but I know that tomorrow I am going to be emotional regardless of the outcome and it would be a great help to me to know that I wont have to spend my afternoon calling all of my great friends and family--just having a whole day with my husband (which I havent had in 2 weeks) just us, sorting through how we feel and what this ultrasound will mean for us in regards to how life will be for the next few months...obviously the best case scenario is that bed rest has helped little buddy grow and I will continue on with the bedrest for the next however many weeks (at most 9 weeks) to help him grow...but keep in mind that for me that would mean 9 more weeks of this...which while I would be incredibly grateful to have 9 more weeks of this, It is going to take some time for me to process that I wont be leaving a bed for the next 9 weeks. So for this reason alone, I am asking for some time tomorrow, for just me and Donnie to process....

I appreciate all the prayers and well wishes and visitors and food and everything from you all---We have felt incredibly loved and cared about and it touches my heart how much you all already love my little buddy :-) I mean, I know that he is the greatest thing since sliced bread but to know that you all think so too, and love him so much already--well it really does touch my heart...So thanks in advance for respecting our wishes about tomorrow and I am pretty sure that I will find out what time my ultrasound is by 830 am...so I will do my best to update at least quickly with what time the ultrasound is so you all can know what time to check for updates (I obviously wont be updating with the ultrasound time if they decide to take me 1st thing at 830) I also dont know how long it will be until we get to talk to Dr.Brady after the ultrasound is done so WE might not even know the true results for a while after the ultrasound (which Lord help me have patience cuz I already can forsee myself getting irritated ha) So, I figured for those of you that havent gotten to come see me I would post a few pics to give you a mental image of my life for the past 2 weeks :-) enjoy!

My tiny little baby bump--grow little buddy! grow!

Me for the past 2 weeks (just picture varying patterns of sweats & shirts)

I Thought this picture was super cute...not...but Im not supposed to sit upright too often hence the lovely angle

Shh! Dont tell, I snuck out of bed to take my weekly belly picture, this is 30 weeks 5 days

still maturing

Oh and just another quick update: my peri's just came in and I had been wondering (as have a few of my family and friends) if just keeping LB inside of me is beneficial if he isnt growing (you know...how everyone says well everyday he stays in you is for his benefit) well I wasnt quite sure that was accurate if he wasnt GROWING inside of me (how beneficial can that be?) but my peri said even if he isnt gaining weight inside of me development and maturity can still be happening--he said we REALLY want to try to keep him in you for as long as possible FOR that maturity to happen...I also asked--what if he isnt quite at 1000grams on tues--like what if he 975 grams will they still want to induce? He said that they said 1000 grams because they are looking for 100 grams a week in weight gain (which is on the low side of normal weight gain for babies at this gestational age) SO if he was close they would still want to keep him in... I also asked what my chances were of going HOME on bedrest if the baby was 1000grams he basically said it depends on how much he has gained--if he has gained a decent amount then I might be able to go home (since he consistently has done well on the NST and during my u/s to check on fluid and flow) granted even at home I would still be required to stay in bed, only getting up to go to the bathroom, but I MIGHT be able to go home...I thought of a few of you (you know who you are) would be interested in these answers :-)

What To Expect...When You're Expecting A Preemie?

So I finally had my NICU consult today--I was starting to get concerned because I really wanted a chance to talk w/ one of the neonatologists before I delivered and considering that delivering next Tues. (or sometime next week) is a possibility I was worried the consult wouldnt happen before then

But it did, today, and here is the scoop--based on what I asked lol so the neonatologists gave me the run down of what I can kinda expect going based off a baby born at 29 weeks (granted if I deliver next week I will be 31 weeks but with Little Buddy being smaller--we are guessing he wont necessarily be developmentally at 31 weeks...but he could be) So for a baby born at 29 weeks (normal size for 29 weeks) there is 95% survival rate. Little Buddy could still be smaller than a 29 week baby so she said the survival rate does go down a little bit to like 85-90% survival rate. I dont like thinking about survival rates because I am using positive self thought that Little Buddy WILL survive.

But at 29 weeks she said that the baby will almost 100% need respiration help. Depending on how much help he needs it will either be through a nasal canula (the little tubes going up to his nose with oxygen-this is what I am hoping for) or he will need to be intubated (a tube in the trachea going down the windpipe to the lungs) intubation is obviously more invasive so we are hoping to not need that. The thought of having LB be intubated scares me...I know that seeing that would be really hard so I am REALLY hoping that a nasal canula will suffice.

Little Buddy will also need to have an IV line for antibiotics depending on what his blood work shows they may decide to do a PICC line (which Im sure everyone knows what that is now after my PICC experiences in 1st tri). An IV or PICC line I dont think will scare me too much...

Little Buddy will also have some brain scans done--preemies are at a really high risk for brain bleeds and they said they will be monitoring this pretty closely.

LB will also need a nasogastric tube (a small tube inserted through the nostril, down the esophagus to the stomach) for gavage feedings (tube feedings) they are obviously REALLY pro-breastfeeding and will want me to pump ASAP for this--I still need to talk w/ the Lactation Consultants about any help they can give me w/ renting pumps (if I need to) and pumping schedules, etc.

She said that it may be a while before I can hold LB--they highly recommend the kangaroo care (Skin-to-skin contact between parent and baby. During kangaroo care, the baby is placed on the parent's chest, dressed only in a diaper and sometimes a hat. The baby's head is turned to the side so the baby can hear the parent's heartbeat and feel the parent's warmth.) Unfortunately Kangaroo Care can only be done once the baby isnt in critical condition which may be a while for LB.

The neonatalogist also said that with some babies that are born as small as LB may be born there is a 10-15% risk that there will be long-term issues such as cognitive delays, feeding/growth issues, etc. She said that I can expect LB to be in the NICU for a minimum of 4 weeks. Honestly I was preparing myself that LB would be in the NICU until his due date so 4 weeks wouldnt be SO bad. But it could be longer.

So overall, my NICU consult wasnt a very upbeat consult but having a baby in the NICU isnt a very upbeat situation. I havent really processed some of the statistics that she told as far as survival rates and long term issues. It may be bad but I am choosing to be in denial until the situation arises--I can deal with it then.

As every other consult I've had, this one was full of "we really wont know anything until he is here" and "we really cant predict anything" and "you will just have to wait and see"--talk about waiting on pins and needles. But I need to remind myself--that things can go wrong with even "healthy" full term babies. There are moms that go their entire pregnancy in the dark not knowing their child may have issues only to be surprised at birth. God is at least giving me a heads up--I feel like hearing this hard things now will make my reality in the next week (or couple of weeks hopefully) less of a low blow- I wont feel so punched in the stomach as I would imagine you would feel if you went in thinking everything was great and normal.

They said I can schedule a tour of sorts to come up to the NICU to see what it is like (which I've already seen it from when I briefly worked here doing social work in the perinatal services dept. we mostly worked with moms who had baby's in the NICU--helping them cope and get hooked up w/ resources in the community HA! how ironic!) but I think it would be good to go w/ Donnie so he can see and it wont be such a shock for him. Either way, tour or not, its going to be a HUGE shock to see LB just in general--we've been waiting all this time to meet him and it will be exciting either way! AND it will be shocking to see a baby as tiny as he is (Ive been told by other preemie moms to take lots of pictures when they are that small because once they are big you will NEVER believe they could have been that small) and it will be a shock to see him hooked up to the variety of things I listed above.

So that was my afternoon--I am still waiting on my PT consult which I will probably be jelly legs by the time they come to see me--either that or I will be a mom to an outside baby and therefore not need the PT consult anymore haha

That is all the news for today--I am going to go back to watching trashy tv shows online such as Teen Mom :-)

fast food society

So I actually got to talk w/ one of my dr's today (I still dont know half of them--they tend to forget to introduce themselves when they come in at 5am) Up until this point they had only been coming in really early in the morning and in my half sleep stupor I wasnt the best at chatting or asking questions (mom and dad I'm sure you can understand--you know how "pleasant" I am in the morning)

But today one of the dr's came in around 10:30 and was actually available to chat/answer questions. So I had my list ready and got some good news and some kind of alarming news. The first thing I wanted to ask about was I had been doing some research on my own and had found a few studies where moms had babys with IUGR and later found out the IUGR was a result of a clotting disorder called MTHFR. So I added that to my list of things that I wanted to know if they were looking into it. When I asked the peri about it he said that it is INCREDIBLY rare and that it is not something they generally look into because it involves taking a substantial amount of blood and the test takes about 3 weeks and is very very expensive plus I didnt really fit any risk factors that would indicate that it could be a possibility (ex: history of stillbirths, passing large clots, etc.) I did mention that I do tend to end up w/ things that are rare (i.e. hyperemesis) but he said that at the time they didnt really see it as something to look into

He said that IUGR baby's can just start to grow and he has seen it happen so there is a hope in that LB will just have grown instantaneously. He said at my last ultrasound LB was around 830grams and that they need him to be at least above 1000grams at my ultrasound next Tues. He said that if he hasnt grown enough or has stopped growing or has lost size that we will start talking about delivering me either that day or sometime soon--kinda intense to think about but Ive decided (upon recieving some good advice) that if they do decide induction is best that I want at least 24 hours notice to process the idea that I will be having a baby (unless it is emergent but it didnt seem like it would be an emergent situation just one where they would want to deliver sooner than later)

I also asked about my chances of having a c-section--I expressed that I had originally really been hoping to try for unmedicated childbirth and that I had been educating myself on that and other birth options and he said that as long as my doppler flows stay good (which they monitor that about twice a week) he said that they would let me try for as regular of a delivery as possible but they would want to closely monitor his heart rate, etc. So basically they would just be watching extra close to ensure that he didnt get too stressed during labor. I am REALLY happy about this--I was preparing myself for a c-section but I still was hoping that I would at least get a chance to try things naturally and hopefully I get that--granted it would probably be difficult considering they will have to be using things to induce me which makes labor more intense but at this point I am really ready to try and as Krissy pointed out to me last night at least I wont be pushing out a huge baby :-) so I have that on my side as well haha

He said that after the baby is born they will probably send my placenta to pathology to see if they can figure out the cause of my IUGR. He said sometimes they never can find a reason other times as soon as the baby is actually here and they can get a good look at things they can see what caused it. He said that sometimes just being on bedrest is enough to just stop my body from competing with my placenta and that I could have just had a not so great placenta with this pregnancy and it isnt something that would happen again--or it could. Story of my life, I feel like everything Ive struggled w/ during this pregnancy is up in the air as to whether or not it would happen again in another pregnancy

I also asked more about the possibility of an amnio he said that they would only be wanting to do an amnio to check for TORCH infections. TORCH is an acronym for Toxoplasmosis, Other (such as syphilis, varicella, mumps, parvovirus, and HIV)Rubella, Cytomegalovirus & Herpes simplex. I can pretty much weed out some of those (being as I know I obviously dont have syphilis, herpes or HIV) lol and I am pretty sure that they did a test in the beginning for rubella and I think I was vacinnated against it (I could be completely wrong about this one) but nonetheless that is the only reason they would even want to do an amnio, not to check for Downs or anything else which I wouldnt have agreed to anyway.

I asked how likely it was that I could have been infected with one of these things and not known it and he said it could have been as simple as something I got infected with early in the pregnancy, gave me flu/cold like symptoms that I brushed off (as any normal person would) that were actually something more serious. I think that this obviously could have happened considering 1. how sick I was in the beginning of my pregnancy in general I wouldnt have noticed feeling crappier than the crappy I already felt, 2. I dont think they ever figured out what I was actually sick w/ in Wisconsin when I got REALLY sick and was hospitalized, I think they thought it was PICC infection but I remember them being surprised at how quickly it went away. So I definitely think some infection could be something to look into.

I also asked more about the chromosomal/genetic issues, specifically Noonan's syndrome as I have some family history with this condition. My peri's dont seem super familiar with this condition but the dr. I saw this morning said that he would look more into it and see if it is even something that can be diagnosed or seen in utero. They seem to think that this is more something with the placenta or fluid or something along those lines vs. genetic and they havent brought up the possiblity of Downs again so I am hopeful that that was just something they had to warn me about vs. an actual possiblity

The most frustrating part about this whole situation is the neverending waiting game--just feeling really helpless and frustrated that there arent more answers--the Dr. said we are a fast food society, we want stuff NOW and it just doesnt happen that way in obstetrics. I am glad they are taking their time and really not rushing into any one course of treatment that could be risky for LB...I just need patience right now...pretty much I always need patience in my life but now in particular haha

So that is what is going on today--I am getting another manicure at 2pm :-) haha I have really enjoyed and appreciated everyone visiting and leaving kind words and THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for all the prayers--We know that there are so many people praying for us and LB and I know that God is hearing each and every one of you--I will keep you all updated this week but hopefully things will be pretty boring and I wont have much to update about :-)!

1 week down, 1 to go

So I have now officially been on strict hospital bedrest for 1 whole week--7...long...days...and I have at least until Jan 18th (wait scratch that--they changed my ultrasound to Jan 19th because apparently they are big on torture here at Good Sam)

But on the 19th I will be getting my repeat growth scan that will tell me if the bedrest is helping or not. In the past week a few things have happened:

-I get daily NST (non-stress tests) twice a day to monitor the baby, check for contractions, etc. Within these NST's they like to see at least 2 accelerations in the babys hearrate in a 10minute period--generally I am on the monitor around 30-40 mins before I get my 20 solid minutes of good hearrate readings. The nurses have always said that my results are good...until today

-This morning I had to go down to the Seton Center (for the 2nd time in an hour and a half) to have a BPP done...a BPP is a biophysical profile-- The BPP measures the baby's heart rate, muscle tone, movement, breathing, and the amount of amniotic fluid around the baby. Little buddy wasnt moving at all despite all the prodding of the tech so this took a while for them to see the breath signs they need but I suppose it went okay since they didnt call a dr in and they sent me back up to SCOB (special care OB where I am staying)

- I have also been getting a regular ultrasounds to check my amniotic fluid level and umbilical cord pressure, apparently at my last ultrasound (on the 4th) the umbilical cord flow (also known as doppler flow velocimetry)they measure how much amniotic fluid I have (which has always been normally thankfully) and they measure the resistance and velocity of the blood flow to the baby (this can show if there are problems that can be affecting growth)apparently on the 4th I was within the high range of normal for the cord flow. They are watching to ensure that the blood flow pressure doesnt 1. increase, 2. decrease too much, 3. stop all together, 4. start flowing the wrong way--if any of these things were to happen we would be talking immediate induction--but Ive had two more ultrasounds since my one on the 4th and my doppler flow is gone down slightly (which is good since it was in the high range of normal on the 4th)The ultrasound tech did note though that there is a substantial difference in my doppler flow depending on my positioning (she said i have MUCH better flow when I am on my left side which isnt surprising and that she woldnt be surprised if the dr's added that to my bedrest regime--meaning I would not only be not allowed out of bed except to use the bathroom but i would need to stay laying on my left side for the majority of the day)


-I also found out what Little Buddy weighed at my Ultrasound on the 4th, he was a whopping 1lb, 13oz. which was basically no change from the 2 weeks prior--this news was really sad for me, I know that at this stage of pregnancy baby's DO grow alot, on avg. 1/2 lb per week, so even if Little Buddy starts growing at an average growth rate (which he hasnt yet this pregnancy) after weeks of bedrest he will still weigh less than 3lbs...my fear is that when I go in for my ultrasound on the 19th they will find something they dont like or Little Buddy wont have grown as much as they wanted and they will want to induce me and he will be born weighing less than 3lbs--this REALLY REALLY scares me--it scares me because I know that caucasian males have the lowest success rates when it comes to being in the NICU, it scares me because 3lbs is really...really...really....little and there is a chance that he could be even smaller (2lbs 13oz on the 19th would be if he was growing normally)

I pretty much have moved from having fears of him coming early, or having a chromosomal issue or later health issue to having fears of him not living. I know that it is horrible and morbid to think but I cannot help but fear the worst-- I am really really working hard in trusting God right now, but I am hoping for a miracle at this point because I just cant put an optimistic twist into the situation I am in right now. I couldnt imagine going home without a baby. It hurts my heart to even type that, think that or acknowledge that there is the slightest possiblity of that occuring. Maybe God is waiting to give me good news because in the short week Ive been here Ive gone from being sad about small things, like the possibility that my baby might have Downs or other delays, to realizing I DONT CARE WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM I JUST WANT HIM HERE ALIVE! Maybe I am supposed to be focusing on the simple blessing that is life and not the other details--well now I am doing that...

I apologize for the negativity of this post but, its an update nonetheless and is easier to post on here than to talk about out loud, so it is what it is...

O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you percieve my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord....For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mothers womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be....Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting (Psalm 139)

I know that the Lord is not done working on Little Buddy--He is forming him and planning his life right now--ordaining his days--I just need to work on getting my heart in the right place again

updates from the perinatologist

So since my blog is going to be alot of medical jargon updates and what not I thought I would slip in a few random pics to keep people enticed to read more. The pic below is from the Summer of 06--Donnie and I had been dating for 2 years already and the shirt im wearing--the infamous dicey jane shirt--is the shirt i was wearing the 1st night i ever met donnie and incidentally he is probably wearing the same thing he was wearing the nice we first met haha ok now on to updates

They went ahead and gave me two steriod shots (one yesterday and one today) to help little buddy's lungs develop more rapidly so if they need to induce me/deliver him anytime soon his lungs will hopefully be a little more developed.(for what it's worth they dont forsee me being induced anytime within the next 2 weeks but it is better to start the steriod shots now in case I do need to anytime w/in the next month).

So I met w/ the perinatologist last night and he said that my short term course of treatment is: I will be on strict hospital bedrest (not allowed to walk or get out of bed except to go to the bathroom) for the next 2 weeks until my next ultrasound. Basically he explained that strict bedrest can help women in this way: when ones body is active and exerting energy the heart obviously pumps harder and can actually be pumping blood from other organs to help supplement that. (for example marathon runners tend to go to the bathroom far less often in comparison to how much they are drinking because their heart is rerouting some of the blood from the kidneys which tell them they need to go to the bathroom) well when you are pregnant, or at least some pregnant womens hearts reroute blood from the placenta first (since it is a pretty big organ) instead of one of the moms other organs so for moms whose hearts exert more energy and take blood from the placenta bedrest can help stop that from happening. The more blood in the placenta is essentially better nutrition for the baby. (sidenote: bear w/ me the perinatalogist explained everything much better than I am) So the hope is that after two weeks of me literally doing nothing laying in bed with very minimal movement my heartrate will stay calm and relaxed and baby can get all the nutrients he needs. If it is successful and the baby shows growth at the next ultrasound then we know that I need to be on strict bedrest and monitored for the duration of the pregnancy (If this is what happens I am going to cross my fingers about the potential of completeing the bedrest at home vs here and at this point getting to 40wks isnt really seeming like it is going to happen so my own personally mini goal is making it to at least 37wks)

But--this is a big but-- if the bedrest doesnt help then there are a few different courses of action. In looking at the results from my ultrasound on Monday the perinatalogist noted that little buddy had smaller than normal (and maybe even smaller for him) arm and leg bones (humerus and femur) as a result of this and a few other things including the overall growth restiction that this could be a sign that little buddy may have Down's syndrome. Since there havent been many other reasons to explain LB's growth restriction this may be a contributing factor. Granted LB( little buddy) hasnt shown any other soft markers for downs such as the nuchal fold thickness, nasal bone issues, etc. the shortened humerus and femur are signs (but I think the baby could just have short legs like Donnie--and hopefully Donnies muscular legs too haha). So if the bedrest doesnt help the peri thinks that an amniocentesis would be the next step to look for more factors contributing towards Downs or any other chromosomal issues and they also want to check for an virual issues such as toxoplasmosis (sp?) So the issue for Donnie and I are that doing an amnio at any stage of pregnancy is risky he said for us we would be at a 1 in 400 chance that the amnio would break the bag of waters which would obviously mean I would go into labora and have LB. So right now we are just kinda bouncing around the idea of what we should do- If the only purpose of doing an amnio is to tell us yes there is a better chance you baby does/might have Downs be prepared or no it isnt looking like your baby has Downs then we will skip it--whether he has downs or not it isnt worth risking his life to find out earlier for our own convenience--when he is born we will love him and be excited and overjoyed and deal with it then but I know already how perfect LB is for me and donnie--the perfect baby for US (downs or not) so it really doesnt effect much I'll just wait and see when he comes.

BUT if the amnio is also being done to check for the viral things that could effect their course of treatment for the time being then we might consider doing it. For example if the amnio DOES find a viral infection then we know they can either try to treat it in utero or it will be confirmed that yes the baby needs to come out to be treated properly. Because either way by the time we get to choosing whether or not we are going to need an amnio we wil already be talking whether to keep LB in longer or to induce me

Ok lets take a quick breather from the scary stuff to look at another picture not seen by many. this pic is from Donnie and I on New Years Eve 2004! we were so cool then and so in love already haha and yes if you note closely that IS a tongue stud in my mouth- I was such a sinner!

and we are back to the serious stuff...


So it was a LOT to take in all at once and now that I have had a day to process I am feeling better about it. We are just working on really leaning on God--I was a wreck last night (when the dr started talking about the possiblities of downs I completely zoned out on everything he said after that--it completely threw me for a loop) but after taking a step back and reading His word, talking to Him, unloading all my worries to Him I had a pretty stress freel worry free day (thank you LORD!) Either way an OB nurse told me that everyday LB stays inside me is three less days he would have to stay in an incubator so as the day passes in a positive light I know I just saved LB 3 days in an incubator! I know these next 2 weeks are going to be really hard and stressful and worryful (is this a word?) I know I am going to be waiting on pins and needles to find out the results of my u/s after 2 weeks on bedrest plus BEING on bedrest is making the days tick by slower than molasses. Staying strong- staying positive! I got to have an exciting day--I got a complimentary manicure offered to all the bed rest mamas (and I think they are coming back on Fri to do pedicures yay), i convinced my nurse to take my heplock out so I am currently no longer stuck w/ anything! yay!! and I got to take a nice stroll in a wheelchair around the hospital which was quite refreshing to just sit in a chair rather than lay in bed and to walk around well wheel around/be pushed but ya know same diff- we went up to the nursery and looked at all the cute little babies--it just reaffirms--THIS IS ALL WORTH IT!

So right now the biggest prayer concerns we have been praying are that God would keep growing LB to a healthy and strong point- that God would hold LB in his hand and nourish him and that Donnie and I will continue to turn to Him in our frustrations and trust that he has it all figured out.

This is Donnie and I only a few weeks ago at our vow renewal service. I love my husband so much and I wouldnt want to/cant imagine going through this with anyone other than him. He is such a rock for me, never showing his fears, staying strong for me--I love you Donnie more than you can imagine!

letter to baby

So since I cant sleep due to insomnia from my earlier steriod shot I thought that I would write a letter to Little buddy while I wait for ambien to come and help--

Dear Little Buddy,
Your mom cant sleep right now because she has so many thoughts racing through her mind. I need to settle my thoughts and my heart for both our sakes. So here is something you probably didnt know about your ole mom.

James,it is my favorite book of the Bible. The first time I ever remember turning to the Lord I sat down, cried out to God and opened my Bible to James. I had never read James (I honestly didn’t even know it was a book in the Bible) and started reading. This was the first time I ever felt comforted by the Lord, the first time I felt He knew me personally and knew my struggle and was there to help. The entire book of James has continually been a book that I swear God included in the Bible just for me.

Consider it pure joy whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does. (James 1:2-8)

I know that in this trial right now, being stuck in a hospital bed for weeks and being unsure of what to do, what to think, being scared for your life, praying for you daily—I KNOW that I am growing in my faith in God’s plan for my family. For OUR family. I know that I can boldly come to the Lord and ask him for wisdom of what to do in this situation, how to react in this situation, I know I can pray for wisdom for me and for your doctors, nurses, etc. God will give me all the wisdom I need and be generous in doing so! Right now I am working on not doubting—I am working on remembering that you and me right now—this situation—is for God’s glory and OUR good.

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. (James 4:7-10)

I know that right now the devil is waiting for me to lose faith, waiting for me to be disheartened so he can get a foothold in my heart. He is waiting for me to have that moment of weakness where I cry out “why” and think “it’s not fair”. But I know that if I keep turning to the Lord—if I keep lifting YOU up to the Lord Little Buddy that he will draw near to us, hold us and keep us safe.

Brothers, as an example of patience in the face of suffering, take the prophets who spoke in the name of the Lord. As you know, we consider blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job's perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy. (James 5:10-11)

The book of James has so much wisdom—patience in the face of suffering. Easier said than done—but it is so comforting to know that the Lord IS full of compassion and mercy. Little Buddy—I know that everything will be okay despite getting bad news on top of bad news. I know that when I finally do get to meet you, whether that is sooner or later than I planned, I know it will be perfect in God’s timing and that God is going to get us through this, both of us. We are so lucky to have a God who understands our troubles, who understands my hurting right now. God is so good. I cant wait to see what the Lord is finally going to bring us after all this is said and done! I cant wait to look back at this situation with the clarity that comes with time and say, “THAT’S why God chose for me to go through that—I NEEDED THAT SITUATION TO GROW” I know that in time I will inevitably be saying those words about this.

I love you little buddy and I can’t wait to see you on the outside and to love on you!

Love,
Mommy

Update to L&D bedrest

Just wanted to give a quick update--I had a routine ultrasound this morning (well routine for me that is) to check on the baby's growth. During the ultrasound they found that the baby had not grown since my last ultrasound 2 weeks ago and there were some concerns about one of his arms. As a result the Seton Center doctor and my midwives decided I needed to be admitted to inpatient labor and delivery. So as of now I am at Good Sam in their special care ob floor. The resident on call predicted that I would be here on bedrest until the baby was born (my due date is 11 weeks away). Currently they are monitoring the baby to make sure he is handling everything okay. They will be doing regular ultrasounds and using the fetal heart monitors to keep track of everything.

My placenta was grade 2 and looking good, my umblilical cord is a three vessel cord (which is good) and had good flow and my amniotic fluid level was good also. So basically everything looked fine on my end which is concerning because now they really have no idea why the baby isnt growing. I will no longer be seeing the midwives and am now seeing a high risk perinatologist --but on a plus side this particular perinatologist, Dr.Brady, is actually the medical director for New Hope Center and is a Believer and very pro-life! I feel much more confident knowing that he will be caring for me and Little Buddy. They will be doing some genetic testing to try and determine why he isnt growing & to see if there are any correlations and if the growth doesnt accelerate then we will be discussing whether or not it is better for the baby to stay in-utero or to be born and treated in the NICU. I am getting a steriod shot soon today (waiting on it now) to help little buddy's lungs grow faster so if I need to be induced anytime soon that will be an added help (for what it's worth they dont forsee me being induced anytime within the next 2 weeks but it is better to start the steriod shots now in case I do need to anytime w/in the next month).

We appreciate all the prayers and support! I will do my best to keep you updated--I am working on staying positive throughout this experience. It still hasnt sunk in that when I leave the hospital I will be a mama! So weird! If you all could just pray for the dr's treating me and that I will turn to the Great Physician for all my answers. I know that God is carrying me through this! He is so good!