so clearly...there is no baby today

So last Friday my dr's came in and told me that they were putting me to be on the schedule to be induced today--they figured that the baby wouldnt have grown a good amount, they wanted the doppler flow to be below 3 and they wanted the amniotic fluid level to be above 5

I really thought they were going to induce me--ya know, since they were putting me on the schedule for induction but in the back of my mind I was still doubtful being as they have told me every time that they were going to induce me but this time it seemed more real, it as put in their dr's notes, on the schedule, etc. But all this was still pending on the ultrasound results

I had my ultrasound this morning at 9am--Little Buddy is proving to be quite the little grower! He went from 2lbs 12oz. to 3lbs 7oz! So in the past 4 weeks he has grown over 20oz! That is great, the dr's were shocked, every nurse I have had has said that they are shocked Ive made it this far, etc. But since his growth was good, the doppler flow was down to 3.1 (which is close enough to 3) and the fluid level is far over 5 they were going to let me go another 2 weeks

I'm not gunna lie, I was devastated--full on sobbing, freaking out on the phone to Donnie about how I cant handle it, etc. I cried to the dr. (Dr.Lambers), I cried to the nurses, I cried to the ladies giving me a pedicure haha I was just really really bummed--to be that close to an end and then have it not happen...Yes I was excited about his growth but at the same time I felt like "While he has grown he is still small--its not like this growth has put us 'out of the woods' as far as problems go" (Can we talk about a bad attitude to have?!) I vented on the phone to my sister, my mom, Donnie, and basically was hysterical thinking about 2 more weeks...the Dr could tell I was obviously at my breaking point so she offered some options for me to chose from:

Option #1:
Go home...what?! did I say go home?! thats right, go home...now for this option the problem is that I am currently getting 2 non-stress tests(NST) a day, if I went home I would be just as restricted as I am now and would need someone to drive me back here everyday for a NST, and the bigger problem is based on the Seton Center hours I would only be able to get 1 NST a day instead of the 2 I am having now which is obviously what they think is best...for this option also I would have to be re-admitted during the weekends b/c the Seton Center is completely closed so the only way to be monitored on Sat & Sun would be to either be readmitted or go to L&D triage (which is expensive as far as insurance)--so basically if I went home it wouldnt be against medical advice or anything but it would be going against what the dr's recommend as their usual course of treatment---while the possibility of going home is SO STINKIN appealing I know that I need to be smart and logical and do whats best for Little Buddy and right now thats being here--plus if something were to go wrong I dont want the guilt of feeling like it was my decision that compromised my child's health--Id rather be able to blame the dr's :-) ha!

Option#2:
They were looking into the possiblity of a home health company to be able to get a NST machine out at my house--they thought they knew of a company that did this...a little company called, Alere--(yup thats right, the same company that did my IV stuff, the same company we JUST paid in full for last year haha) This seemed like the BEST option, being at home and still having twice daily NST's--but unfortunately they dont offer this service, they will come twice a week to do them but obviously I need it everyday so this option ended up not really an option

Option#3:
Reducing some of my hospital restrictions so I could walk around a little maybe and offering me day passes to leave! Now my concern for this option is that if I am able to leave for a few hours during the day I was worried I would feel like I was on a "break" from bedrest and I would be too tempted to be active, etc. Plus I wasnt sure how often I would be allowed these day passes and if they would even help my sanity or if they would just be a little taste of what I was missing

Well Donnie and I finally talked, which is why it took me so long to post this, and we picked showcase #3 (I mean, option 3 ;-)--I sometimes do feel like I am on the Price is Right as far as LB's weight and induction haha--Bob, I bet 1lb!) I digress, but yea so we picked #3 and decided to help squelch my temptation to be active I need to be out on my day pass when Donnie is around so we are going to use the day passes as evening passes--my 1st one being tomorrow! So I get to go home, EAT DINNER IN MY OWN HOUSE, REST IN MY OWN BED (where I can actually cuddle w/ my husband), I can sit in the glider in the nursery and boss Donnie around about where to put what decorations and I can just be HOME!! Granted I will have to come back that evening but still I think this will be very, very helpful! I will get to do this 1 more time this weekend and 1 more time next week. The dr said she wishes that she could give me a pass to go home everyday but if she did that then the insurance company would start to question "if she can go home everyday for 4 hours, why isnt she just at home on bedrest?" (which makes sense) and I honestly think even just going home these 3 times will make the next 2 weeks go by much faster!

So in even better news: they arent going to do another growth scan--no more waiting game, no matter what, I WILL BE INDUCED MARCH 2ND! (this is so helpful as far as planning) ANDDDDD even better--my Midwives are taking me back as a patient!! They are going to be doing my induction (as far as everything goes smoothly they will do my delivery, if need be I will have the high-risk dr's as backups) I feel like the cheesy saying: God answers prayers in 1 of 3 ways: yes, no, or wait...apparently He just wanted me to wait (which I am getting quite good at)

And to end the post in an even more positive/fun note: I had a really great "God moment" today...so I was really upset, sobbing on the phone to my mom about how I cant do it anymore, its too hard, etc. Well as soon as I got off the phone the ladies came to get me to take me to get a pedicure...so they wheel me to the little lobby, with me still having tears in my eyes about my "sad news" and when I get in the room they always have a little radio playing...normally this is tuned to some awful station like KISS 107.1 (what most patients like) but TODAY it was tuned to 93.3 (which I obviously MUCH prefer--for those not in Cincy this is a Christian station) and literally as soon as I got in the room one of my favorite songs started: "Praise You in this Storm" by Casting Crowns

I was sure by now,
God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MUWbmtbzDno If youve never heard this song--listen to it! its great!)

Think God planned that? I do...I love Him! God is so good!