the REAL update

So I didnt update last night b/c we didnt get to talk w/ the dr until 9:30pm! It was ridiculous--(oh and of course as soon as Donnie went to get me potbelly's is when the dr decided to come and chat) but apparently none of the dr's communicated very well to realize that I hadnt talked w/ anyone yet so when one finally came it was a resident so that didnt help much b/c the residents cant really answer any questions definitively so she basically just came in to tell me that I would be here for another 2 weeks and that at that point they probably would be inducing me (keep in mind they have said that EVERY SINGLE TIME since Ive gotten here 4 weeks ago) ugh!

Little Buddy did grow! He was 2lbs 2oz at my last u/s (2 weeks ago) and as of yesterday he was 2lbs 12oz (overall he is the size of a 29 weeker) Which was great news! It feels so good to know that at least he is growing so whether the bed rest is helping or not we are doing something right so we are definitely excited and thankful and know that all the prayers we have been getting are definitely helping!

The sucky part is being here for 2 more weeks...I know logically that the longer he stays in the better its just so frustrating--I dont know if the dr's really realize how much it tugs at our emotions to be walking on eggshells waiting to be "induced" I would rather them not act like that is even going to happen than to be saying we are 90% sure that is going to happen and than it not, its like...how do we mentally prepare ourselves? We get ourselves all worked up, and pumped up and as prepared as possible for our son to come, and for the NICU stuff to start and for the c-section stuff...thannnn we find out we have to wait 2 more weeks while in the meantime everyday when they do tests I am on pins and needles, scared that the tests are going to show some horrible result I feel like I never get a break from the stress of worrying about him, wanting him here, wanting him to grow, etc.

Then to add to that the physical toll that bedrest plays which I think alot of my family/friends dont quite get--I am in such pain and stuff from not being able to move around, my PT said that the pain will probably not go away until I am allowed out of the hospital and resume regular range of motion and activity and its gotten to the point where the only way I sleep or get any pain relief is from medication that I feel so horrible taking because even though the dr. prescribes it I honestly dont feel comfortable w/ my baby being exposed to it--but at the same time I WONT make it through 2 more weeks of pain and sleeplessness w/o the meds--its such a catch 22

For me the biggest struggle right now w/ bedrest isnt being bored/stir crazy (while I do feel that way occasionally I have SO many activities to keep me occupied) its more the emotional toll that is getting harder and harder every day--like I said above the feeling of waiting on pins and needles, the mommy guilt I struggle w/ about taking meds that I am not comfortable w/, physical pain, and I really really REALLY REALLLY miss just being w/ my husband at home, being able to go to sleep w/ him in OUR bed, it really sucks to watch him leave every night and to be all alone after that--I cant imagine how it feels for people who have to leave their other kids at home, it breaks my heart just to not be w/ my husband...

I know that everyone has been asking how they can help, what they can bring, etc. For the time being I think I am at the point where I just need a little space, I dont know how to explain it because obviously I am by myself all day but I just... I dunno right now I just think having Donnie come see me is all I need and I will do my best to keep everyone updated but I probably wont be blogging as much, these next 2 weeks I think are going to be alot more difficult than the last 4 and I think I just need to process that with just Donnie at least for the time being (though I appreciate all the offers!) Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers, we really appreciate the care and concern and well wishes!