Lord, You have assigned me my portion...

"Lord, You have assigned me my portion and my cup, and have made my lot secure" (Psalm 16:5)

So I have been in the hospital for going on 5 weeks now and sadly (and I am very ashamed to admit this) I have only read 1 book in its entirety :-( I am seriously embarassed to admit this because in general I am an avid reader--I really enjoy sitting down with a good book (even if it is just a trashy, easy read) and I always hated being in school having to spend time reading text books that were boring when I would rather be reading novels and having lengthy book discussions with friends (friends being Megan...yes, we were the nerds who would go to a bar, sip on a beer for an hour and discuss foreshadowing/symbolism/etc. haha sorry Meg! you have to admit it is a little nerdy) But for some reason I have really struggled in finding a book that has kept my attention since being in the hospital. The one book I read in full was My Sisters Keeper and I read that within the 1st day and a half of being here (and yes it is much better as a book than a movie).

I have tried a variety of books, from The Vampire Diaries (for those that dont know, I am quite Twilight obsessed so this is right up my alley haha) and I couldnt get through more than 100 pages, I have tried Vanishing Acts by Jodi Picoult (another one of my fav authors), I have tried reading a few books by Ted Dekker (I was given book 1 in his series, Sinner and really loved it and was so excited to get the next two but I for some reason cant get myself started). I have tried reading parenting books, biographies, silly girly books, pregnancy books, etc. I feel horrible like my brain is rotting, and I get annoyed with myself for being "bored" when I have a stack of books next to me! I dont know if I have just been to antsy, distracted, etc. that when I start reading my mind relaxes and just wanders to the real things I have been thinking about (baby, induction, etc.) But people keep bringing me books, which I genuinely want to read but just cant, until...

I was given a book by my mother in law, Keep A Quiet Heart by Elisabeth Elliot and was excited to start reading it (she said it was great) but I was also kind of thinking that this would be another great book to add to my stack of books I couldnt get into. But this past Sunday, after listening to a few online sermons, I kind of felt in the mood to read so I jumped on that and opened up this book--its great! I have been able to stick with it and read and it really touches on topics that I can relate with so well right now. I think it works great for me because it is a bunch of short "articles" (I dont know if they would even be considered articles) that are 1-3pages in length on a variety of topics but all relating back to the idea of a "quiet heart"...It works perfectly for me! It has wonderful scripture refrences, it is all Godly wonderful stories and it is in short doses--it helps me to take advantage of quieting my mind while I read, taking a break from everything I've been thinking and just being able to relax in my reading...I miss relaxing in my reading and her writing is so great because of what it focuses on! With articles entitled, "Do Not Forecast Grief", "A Lesson in Things Temporal", and "Lord, Please Remove my Dilemma" (how often do we feel this way?!)

" St. Augustine said, "The very pleasures of human life men aquire by difficulties". There are times when the entire arrangement of our existence is disrupted and we long then for just one ordinary day--seeing our ordinary life as greatly desirable, even wonderful, in light of the terrible disruption that has taken place. Difficulty opens our eyes to pleasures we had taken for granted"

All I am going to say is: I wish I had read this 3 months ago.

I feel like she is hitting on topics so close to home for me but is doing it in such a soft, gentle way that I dont feel crappy after reading it, like I am falling so short of how I should be responding to my situation. It is so simply put that I often think, hmm how come I didnt think of that? (like above, shouldnt it be obvious that we should view our 'ordinary lives' as desirable and wonderful?)

So the past few days I have been really focusing on the concept of a quiet heart.

"'Lord, You have assigned me my portion and my cup, and have made my lot secure' (psalm 16:5) I know no greater simplifier for all of life. Whatever happens is assigned. Does the Intellect balk at that? Can we say that there are things which happen to us which do not belong to our lovingly assigned 'portion' (this belongs to it, that does not?) Are some things, then, out of the control of the Almighty? Every assignment is measured and controlled for my eternal good. As I accept the portion given, other options are cancelled. Decisions become much easier, directions clearer, and hence my heart has become inexpressibly quieter"

Man, how peaceful does that sound! Just the sound of a "quiet heart" is appealing! I have found in just a few short days that by truly accepting my portion things have become much easier. I dont feel burdened as much by what decisions to make, I feel at peace with where things are going and sure enough, my heart HAS become inexpressibly quieter!