I started off doing these surveys weekly but stopped when things started to get tough and I ended up in here so I figured I needed to do at least one more for my memory's sake :-)
How far along: 36 weeks 5 days pregnant
Total weight gain: I have officially reached my pre-pregnancy weight! I am actually 1lb over!! In the last 5 weeks I gained 7 lbs!! That is huge for me--but its great because LB has grown too and I can definitely see a change in my belly size
Maternity clothes: Yup, still rockin the maternity shirts--Im glad all the maternity shirts were so casual and comfy--but since my belly has decided (in the last 2 weeks) get bigger I've found that all my shirts are getting too short even w/ my small belly! Good to know for next time if I have a normal sized belly and go 40 weeks these shirts wont make it! Luckily for this time around I only need them to last me another 2 days!
Sleep: The ambien works like a charm... I am turning from side to side because my hips get sore and there isnt much matress padding but I am sleeping moderately well and I have been taking some pain meds to help w/ my back which really help my sleep be more restful which is whats important--it doesnt matter if you can sleep 12 hours if they arent 12 hours of restful sleep--but I'm doing okay now
Best moment this week: It was great to go home on a 4 hour pass to finish up the odds and ends on the nursery--my "nesting" desire has been fulfilled, and I really enjoyed small group this week- We are going over the gospel of John and Ive read it numerous times but its just so fresh and new this time--everyone has such great perspective and ideas, I am learning alot and feel like our small group has a great cohesion
Food cravings: Surprisingly I havent had any real cravings lately--oh wait I take that back--I crave chili cheese burritos from Taco Bell (chilito anyone?) Yes gross I know but they taste so good and reheat so easily mmmm that and turkey lunchmeat sandwiches which are a staple of the pregnancy diet
Labor signs: I have much more frequent braxton hicks contractions that are getting stronger, I can definitely feel my uterus clenching up and slowly relaxing and Ive had some contractions (that are a min- a min and a half) that I dont feel but they show up on the monitor--right now I have what they call an "irritable" uterus--means you have some contractions but not consistently and they arent strong contractions
Belly Button: still an innie and will always be an innie I think--but I feel like it shows through every shirt I wear now
What I miss the most: being able to leave--I miss just mundane regular life, sleeping in bed w/ my husband, cooking in my kitchen, being able to clean my own house, organize the baby's room, etc. What we consider regular/normal life now will never be that again--as of Tues. March 2nd our normal will be radically changed. (or maybe March 3rd...or 4th heaven forbid!!)
What am I looking forward to the most: meeting my child--I cant wait to just look in his eyes and know him and feel attached to him and be able to comfort him and learn him (what he likes/dislikes, his personality, his facial expressions, his cries). I cant wait to snuggle him, feed him, change his little diapered hiney, I just want him to be here! I am so excited to be a family of 3!!!
Milestones: As of this upcoming tues. I will officially be considered full-term-- I didnt think I would make it here but praise God I did! I have all of LB's stuff packed in his diaper bag, carseat is being installed in the car tomorrow, I have my labor and delivery stuff prepared--we are GOOD TO GO!
It hasnt hit me yet about what is about to happen to our family--but I will write more about that probably tomorrow and monday. The plan for the time being is that Judy and Pam will be recieving any and all updates and they will be passing the info on to other siblings, family members, friends, etc. We dont really think we need visitors because it is going to be a long process so Donnie and I have decided that we will just keep you updated about what the medical plan is (i.e.- they put the cervadil in, now theyre starting pitocin, now shes having contractions and active labor has begun, etc. ) well my ambien is kicking in hard core so before I sound like a babbling idiot I will stop blogging for tonight
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Thursday, February 25, 2010
edit to previous post
In reading back over my previous post I wanted to clarify when I say I'm not 100% sure I will be coming home w/ a baby I mean I dont know how long or if he will be in NICU after delivery--I know he will be okay just might need a little help in the beginning! Or he will be a little fighter and be able to come home when I am discharged (ahhh discharge day--how glorious!)
pictures galore
So I wanted to do a quick update and mainly post a bunch of pictures :-) Since I wrote last I have been able to go home 3 times for 4 hours at a time--realistically it ends up being 3 hours because we spend roughly an hour getting me from my hospital room to home and back again but I enjoy it nonetheless! I have been in full out "nesting" mode and it has been killing me that I cant really do much to prepare (and for anyone that knows me I thrive in organization and planning) So its definitely been a struggle and knowing that LB will be here SO SOON (less than a week!!!!!) it has really hit me...as I was leaving our house after my pass yesterday it occured to me...the next time I go home, I wont be pregnant anymore. I would LOVE to be able to say that the next time I go home, I will have a baby but at this point I'm not 100% sure how accurate that would be (but I am pretty darn hopeful!)
Speaking of bringing LB home (sidenote: isnt it going to be so weird once he has a real name? haha I'm thinking LB might stick around longer than we realized) I have picked his "coming home outfits"--Since we dont know what size he will be I have a variety of "sizes" picked. As you can see in the pic below I have x-small, small, medium and large--The middle two outfits only differ in size a tiny bit but the ridiculous thing is--these are all marked as "preemie" size!! You can now see my sizing woes in trying to organize--surely if the far left is a true preemie size the far right cant be too?
On my passes home I have attempted to "nest" to the best of my bedresting abilities lol This basically means I spent alot of time sitting in the recliner in the nursery watching Donnie do things, or sitting on our guest bed sorting through baby shower presents (which we have been SO incredibly blessed in recieving everything we could possibly need--We have the best friends and family! thank you all so much!!!) And let me tell you--sorting baby clothes isnt fun...especially when the sizing can be dramatically different depending on the brand. Either way we got the majority of the nursery put together! (thanks in help to Pat who has so lovingly run errands for Donnie and I so we could use my time home to get the most done!) These are some pics of the nursery so far (please ignore any random trash, pieces of wood or missing drawers haha these will eventually be gone before LB comes home...I hope)
This is the changing table/dresser combo, the changing pad will go in front of the cloth wall hanging (which is actually part of the crib bumper)
With the help of a good friend, we turned the crib bumper into matching window valences (we chose not to use the bumpers in the crib because of some safety issues--and I think they are much cuter as valences)
This is my favorite corner of the room haha I cant wait to sit in the recliner w/ LB and read to him--ahh the mushy sentimental pregnancy side of me is coming out--but seriously I have all my stories lined up & ready to go :-)
This is his crib--and yes we will raise it to be at the appropriate level (not that he will be sleeping in here anytime soon)
And this is what you see when you look in the door--we are still waiting on 1 piece of furniture to come in--we ordered a natural wood toy chest to go under one of the windows for storage but other than that its mostly finished!
There are more pics of the nursery posted on my facebook page as well--so now for the fun part...since we roughly "know" when LB will be here I thought it would be fun to make some guesses on specifics, so knowing that they will begin my induction at 9pm on Monday March 1st (this can be a short or very long process) let me know:
Speaking of bringing LB home (sidenote: isnt it going to be so weird once he has a real name? haha I'm thinking LB might stick around longer than we realized) I have picked his "coming home outfits"--Since we dont know what size he will be I have a variety of "sizes" picked. As you can see in the pic below I have x-small, small, medium and large--The middle two outfits only differ in size a tiny bit but the ridiculous thing is--these are all marked as "preemie" size!! You can now see my sizing woes in trying to organize--surely if the far left is a true preemie size the far right cant be too?
And I really didnt feel like the pictures did these outfits justice in how tiny they outfits really are--so for a size comparison this is the "x-small" outfit as compared to my hand--uhm yes! it is that tiny and precious!
Some other fun things that have been going on--Kelly, my amazing sister-in-law came and took some beautiful maternity pictures for me..We had talked about her doing some earlier in my pregnancy but we wanted to wait until my belly got bigger--wellll that didnt happen then I ended up in the hospital. So on the 15th Kelly came to the hospital, we hung black sheet and she took these awesome pics for me! If you remember they originally "thought" (cough..liars..cough) I was going to be induced on the 16th so we figured these would be my last belly pics ever--not so much since here I am 10 days later lol But Kel is an amazing photographer and I will definitely cherish these pics because even though this pregnancy has been "hard" I havent hated being pregnant--I have loved getting a belly, feeling him move, watching things change as he grew--so looking at these makes me feel happy and positive about pregnancy :-)
On my passes home I have attempted to "nest" to the best of my bedresting abilities lol This basically means I spent alot of time sitting in the recliner in the nursery watching Donnie do things, or sitting on our guest bed sorting through baby shower presents (which we have been SO incredibly blessed in recieving everything we could possibly need--We have the best friends and family! thank you all so much!!!) And let me tell you--sorting baby clothes isnt fun...especially when the sizing can be dramatically different depending on the brand. Either way we got the majority of the nursery put together! (thanks in help to Pat who has so lovingly run errands for Donnie and I so we could use my time home to get the most done!) These are some pics of the nursery so far (please ignore any random trash, pieces of wood or missing drawers haha these will eventually be gone before LB comes home...I hope)
This is the changing table/dresser combo, the changing pad will go in front of the cloth wall hanging (which is actually part of the crib bumper)
With the help of a good friend, we turned the crib bumper into matching window valences (we chose not to use the bumpers in the crib because of some safety issues--and I think they are much cuter as valences)
This is my favorite corner of the room haha I cant wait to sit in the recliner w/ LB and read to him--ahh the mushy sentimental pregnancy side of me is coming out--but seriously I have all my stories lined up & ready to go :-)
This is his crib--and yes we will raise it to be at the appropriate level (not that he will be sleeping in here anytime soon)
And this is what you see when you look in the door--we are still waiting on 1 piece of furniture to come in--we ordered a natural wood toy chest to go under one of the windows for storage but other than that its mostly finished!
There are more pics of the nursery posted on my facebook page as well--so now for the fun part...since we roughly "know" when LB will be here I thought it would be fun to make some guesses on specifics, so knowing that they will begin my induction at 9pm on Monday March 1st (this can be a short or very long process) let me know:
1. What date he will be born on?
2. What time?
3. How much will he weigh?
4. How long will he be?
maybe there will be a special prize for whoever is closest?? (wink wink) sidenote: there will probably be no prize :-/ haha I will keep you all updated with how things go and who knows--maybe my next post will be pictures galore of LB!!
Thursday, February 18, 2010
no backsies!
My induction is on the schedule to begin Mon, March 1st at 9pm!! and NO BACKSIES this time! Its the final countdown!! (Please enjoy video and lyrics haha--particularly the guitar solo)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qQwuU6Bumg4
and Yes--this song will be playing in my head on repeat for the next week and a half :-) yay for LB making his appearance!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qQwuU6Bumg4
and Yes--this song will be playing in my head on repeat for the next week and a half :-) yay for LB making his appearance!!!
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
so clearly...there is no baby today
So last Friday my dr's came in and told me that they were putting me to be on the schedule to be induced today--they figured that the baby wouldnt have grown a good amount, they wanted the doppler flow to be below 3 and they wanted the amniotic fluid level to be above 5
I really thought they were going to induce me--ya know, since they were putting me on the schedule for induction but in the back of my mind I was still doubtful being as they have told me every time that they were going to induce me but this time it seemed more real, it as put in their dr's notes, on the schedule, etc. But all this was still pending on the ultrasound results
I had my ultrasound this morning at 9am--Little Buddy is proving to be quite the little grower! He went from 2lbs 12oz. to 3lbs 7oz! So in the past 4 weeks he has grown over 20oz! That is great, the dr's were shocked, every nurse I have had has said that they are shocked Ive made it this far, etc. But since his growth was good, the doppler flow was down to 3.1 (which is close enough to 3) and the fluid level is far over 5 they were going to let me go another 2 weeks
I'm not gunna lie, I was devastated--full on sobbing, freaking out on the phone to Donnie about how I cant handle it, etc. I cried to the dr. (Dr.Lambers), I cried to the nurses, I cried to the ladies giving me a pedicure haha I was just really really bummed--to be that close to an end and then have it not happen...Yes I was excited about his growth but at the same time I felt like "While he has grown he is still small--its not like this growth has put us 'out of the woods' as far as problems go" (Can we talk about a bad attitude to have?!) I vented on the phone to my sister, my mom, Donnie, and basically was hysterical thinking about 2 more weeks...the Dr could tell I was obviously at my breaking point so she offered some options for me to chose from:
Option #1:
Go home...what?! did I say go home?! thats right, go home...now for this option the problem is that I am currently getting 2 non-stress tests(NST) a day, if I went home I would be just as restricted as I am now and would need someone to drive me back here everyday for a NST, and the bigger problem is based on the Seton Center hours I would only be able to get 1 NST a day instead of the 2 I am having now which is obviously what they think is best...for this option also I would have to be re-admitted during the weekends b/c the Seton Center is completely closed so the only way to be monitored on Sat & Sun would be to either be readmitted or go to L&D triage (which is expensive as far as insurance)--so basically if I went home it wouldnt be against medical advice or anything but it would be going against what the dr's recommend as their usual course of treatment---while the possibility of going home is SO STINKIN appealing I know that I need to be smart and logical and do whats best for Little Buddy and right now thats being here--plus if something were to go wrong I dont want the guilt of feeling like it was my decision that compromised my child's health--Id rather be able to blame the dr's :-) ha!
Option#2:
They were looking into the possiblity of a home health company to be able to get a NST machine out at my house--they thought they knew of a company that did this...a little company called, Alere--(yup thats right, the same company that did my IV stuff, the same company we JUST paid in full for last year haha) This seemed like the BEST option, being at home and still having twice daily NST's--but unfortunately they dont offer this service, they will come twice a week to do them but obviously I need it everyday so this option ended up not really an option
Option#3:
Reducing some of my hospital restrictions so I could walk around a little maybe and offering me day passes to leave! Now my concern for this option is that if I am able to leave for a few hours during the day I was worried I would feel like I was on a "break" from bedrest and I would be too tempted to be active, etc. Plus I wasnt sure how often I would be allowed these day passes and if they would even help my sanity or if they would just be a little taste of what I was missing
Well Donnie and I finally talked, which is why it took me so long to post this, and we picked showcase #3 (I mean, option 3 ;-)--I sometimes do feel like I am on the Price is Right as far as LB's weight and induction haha--Bob, I bet 1lb!) I digress, but yea so we picked #3 and decided to help squelch my temptation to be active I need to be out on my day pass when Donnie is around so we are going to use the day passes as evening passes--my 1st one being tomorrow! So I get to go home, EAT DINNER IN MY OWN HOUSE, REST IN MY OWN BED (where I can actually cuddle w/ my husband), I can sit in the glider in the nursery and boss Donnie around about where to put what decorations and I can just be HOME!! Granted I will have to come back that evening but still I think this will be very, very helpful! I will get to do this 1 more time this weekend and 1 more time next week. The dr said she wishes that she could give me a pass to go home everyday but if she did that then the insurance company would start to question "if she can go home everyday for 4 hours, why isnt she just at home on bedrest?" (which makes sense) and I honestly think even just going home these 3 times will make the next 2 weeks go by much faster!
So in even better news: they arent going to do another growth scan--no more waiting game, no matter what, I WILL BE INDUCED MARCH 2ND! (this is so helpful as far as planning) ANDDDDD even better--my Midwives are taking me back as a patient!! They are going to be doing my induction (as far as everything goes smoothly they will do my delivery, if need be I will have the high-risk dr's as backups) I feel like the cheesy saying: God answers prayers in 1 of 3 ways: yes, no, or wait...apparently He just wanted me to wait (which I am getting quite good at)
And to end the post in an even more positive/fun note: I had a really great "God moment" today...so I was really upset, sobbing on the phone to my mom about how I cant do it anymore, its too hard, etc. Well as soon as I got off the phone the ladies came to get me to take me to get a pedicure...so they wheel me to the little lobby, with me still having tears in my eyes about my "sad news" and when I get in the room they always have a little radio playing...normally this is tuned to some awful station like KISS 107.1 (what most patients like) but TODAY it was tuned to 93.3 (which I obviously MUCH prefer--for those not in Cincy this is a Christian station) and literally as soon as I got in the room one of my favorite songs started: "Praise You in this Storm" by Casting Crowns
I was sure by now,
God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MUWbmtbzDno If youve never heard this song--listen to it! its great!)
Think God planned that? I do...I love Him! God is so good!
I really thought they were going to induce me--ya know, since they were putting me on the schedule for induction but in the back of my mind I was still doubtful being as they have told me every time that they were going to induce me but this time it seemed more real, it as put in their dr's notes, on the schedule, etc. But all this was still pending on the ultrasound results
I had my ultrasound this morning at 9am--Little Buddy is proving to be quite the little grower! He went from 2lbs 12oz. to 3lbs 7oz! So in the past 4 weeks he has grown over 20oz! That is great, the dr's were shocked, every nurse I have had has said that they are shocked Ive made it this far, etc. But since his growth was good, the doppler flow was down to 3.1 (which is close enough to 3) and the fluid level is far over 5 they were going to let me go another 2 weeks
I'm not gunna lie, I was devastated--full on sobbing, freaking out on the phone to Donnie about how I cant handle it, etc. I cried to the dr. (Dr.Lambers), I cried to the nurses, I cried to the ladies giving me a pedicure haha I was just really really bummed--to be that close to an end and then have it not happen...Yes I was excited about his growth but at the same time I felt like "While he has grown he is still small--its not like this growth has put us 'out of the woods' as far as problems go" (Can we talk about a bad attitude to have?!) I vented on the phone to my sister, my mom, Donnie, and basically was hysterical thinking about 2 more weeks...the Dr could tell I was obviously at my breaking point so she offered some options for me to chose from:
Option #1:
Go home...what?! did I say go home?! thats right, go home...now for this option the problem is that I am currently getting 2 non-stress tests(NST) a day, if I went home I would be just as restricted as I am now and would need someone to drive me back here everyday for a NST, and the bigger problem is based on the Seton Center hours I would only be able to get 1 NST a day instead of the 2 I am having now which is obviously what they think is best...for this option also I would have to be re-admitted during the weekends b/c the Seton Center is completely closed so the only way to be monitored on Sat & Sun would be to either be readmitted or go to L&D triage (which is expensive as far as insurance)--so basically if I went home it wouldnt be against medical advice or anything but it would be going against what the dr's recommend as their usual course of treatment---while the possibility of going home is SO STINKIN appealing I know that I need to be smart and logical and do whats best for Little Buddy and right now thats being here--plus if something were to go wrong I dont want the guilt of feeling like it was my decision that compromised my child's health--Id rather be able to blame the dr's :-) ha!
Option#2:
They were looking into the possiblity of a home health company to be able to get a NST machine out at my house--they thought they knew of a company that did this...a little company called, Alere--(yup thats right, the same company that did my IV stuff, the same company we JUST paid in full for last year haha) This seemed like the BEST option, being at home and still having twice daily NST's--but unfortunately they dont offer this service, they will come twice a week to do them but obviously I need it everyday so this option ended up not really an option
Option#3:
Reducing some of my hospital restrictions so I could walk around a little maybe and offering me day passes to leave! Now my concern for this option is that if I am able to leave for a few hours during the day I was worried I would feel like I was on a "break" from bedrest and I would be too tempted to be active, etc. Plus I wasnt sure how often I would be allowed these day passes and if they would even help my sanity or if they would just be a little taste of what I was missing
Well Donnie and I finally talked, which is why it took me so long to post this, and we picked showcase #3 (I mean, option 3 ;-)--I sometimes do feel like I am on the Price is Right as far as LB's weight and induction haha--Bob, I bet 1lb!) I digress, but yea so we picked #3 and decided to help squelch my temptation to be active I need to be out on my day pass when Donnie is around so we are going to use the day passes as evening passes--my 1st one being tomorrow! So I get to go home, EAT DINNER IN MY OWN HOUSE, REST IN MY OWN BED (where I can actually cuddle w/ my husband), I can sit in the glider in the nursery and boss Donnie around about where to put what decorations and I can just be HOME!! Granted I will have to come back that evening but still I think this will be very, very helpful! I will get to do this 1 more time this weekend and 1 more time next week. The dr said she wishes that she could give me a pass to go home everyday but if she did that then the insurance company would start to question "if she can go home everyday for 4 hours, why isnt she just at home on bedrest?" (which makes sense) and I honestly think even just going home these 3 times will make the next 2 weeks go by much faster!
So in even better news: they arent going to do another growth scan--no more waiting game, no matter what, I WILL BE INDUCED MARCH 2ND! (this is so helpful as far as planning) ANDDDDD even better--my Midwives are taking me back as a patient!! They are going to be doing my induction (as far as everything goes smoothly they will do my delivery, if need be I will have the high-risk dr's as backups) I feel like the cheesy saying: God answers prayers in 1 of 3 ways: yes, no, or wait...apparently He just wanted me to wait (which I am getting quite good at)
And to end the post in an even more positive/fun note: I had a really great "God moment" today...so I was really upset, sobbing on the phone to my mom about how I cant do it anymore, its too hard, etc. Well as soon as I got off the phone the ladies came to get me to take me to get a pedicure...so they wheel me to the little lobby, with me still having tears in my eyes about my "sad news" and when I get in the room they always have a little radio playing...normally this is tuned to some awful station like KISS 107.1 (what most patients like) but TODAY it was tuned to 93.3 (which I obviously MUCH prefer--for those not in Cincy this is a Christian station) and literally as soon as I got in the room one of my favorite songs started: "Praise You in this Storm" by Casting Crowns
I was sure by now,
God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MUWbmtbzDno If youve never heard this song--listen to it! its great!)
Think God planned that? I do...I love Him! God is so good!
Monday, February 8, 2010
Lord, You have assigned me my portion...
"Lord, You have assigned me my portion and my cup, and have made my lot secure" (Psalm 16:5)
So I have been in the hospital for going on 5 weeks now and sadly (and I am very ashamed to admit this) I have only read 1 book in its entirety :-( I am seriously embarassed to admit this because in general I am an avid reader--I really enjoy sitting down with a good book (even if it is just a trashy, easy read) and I always hated being in school having to spend time reading text books that were boring when I would rather be reading novels and having lengthy book discussions with friends (friends being Megan...yes, we were the nerds who would go to a bar, sip on a beer for an hour and discuss foreshadowing/symbolism/etc. haha sorry Meg! you have to admit it is a little nerdy) But for some reason I have really struggled in finding a book that has kept my attention since being in the hospital. The one book I read in full was My Sisters Keeper and I read that within the 1st day and a half of being here (and yes it is much better as a book than a movie).
I have tried a variety of books, from The Vampire Diaries (for those that dont know, I am quite Twilight obsessed so this is right up my alley haha) and I couldnt get through more than 100 pages, I have tried Vanishing Acts by Jodi Picoult (another one of my fav authors), I have tried reading a few books by Ted Dekker (I was given book 1 in his series, Sinner and really loved it and was so excited to get the next two but I for some reason cant get myself started). I have tried reading parenting books, biographies, silly girly books, pregnancy books, etc. I feel horrible like my brain is rotting, and I get annoyed with myself for being "bored" when I have a stack of books next to me! I dont know if I have just been to antsy, distracted, etc. that when I start reading my mind relaxes and just wanders to the real things I have been thinking about (baby, induction, etc.) But people keep bringing me books, which I genuinely want to read but just cant, until...
I was given a book by my mother in law, Keep A Quiet Heart by Elisabeth Elliot and was excited to start reading it (she said it was great) but I was also kind of thinking that this would be another great book to add to my stack of books I couldnt get into. But this past Sunday, after listening to a few online sermons, I kind of felt in the mood to read so I jumped on that and opened up this book--its great! I have been able to stick with it and read and it really touches on topics that I can relate with so well right now. I think it works great for me because it is a bunch of short "articles" (I dont know if they would even be considered articles) that are 1-3pages in length on a variety of topics but all relating back to the idea of a "quiet heart"...It works perfectly for me! It has wonderful scripture refrences, it is all Godly wonderful stories and it is in short doses--it helps me to take advantage of quieting my mind while I read, taking a break from everything I've been thinking and just being able to relax in my reading...I miss relaxing in my reading and her writing is so great because of what it focuses on! With articles entitled, "Do Not Forecast Grief", "A Lesson in Things Temporal", and "Lord, Please Remove my Dilemma" (how often do we feel this way?!)
" St. Augustine said, "The very pleasures of human life men aquire by difficulties". There are times when the entire arrangement of our existence is disrupted and we long then for just one ordinary day--seeing our ordinary life as greatly desirable, even wonderful, in light of the terrible disruption that has taken place. Difficulty opens our eyes to pleasures we had taken for granted"
All I am going to say is: I wish I had read this 3 months ago.
I feel like she is hitting on topics so close to home for me but is doing it in such a soft, gentle way that I dont feel crappy after reading it, like I am falling so short of how I should be responding to my situation. It is so simply put that I often think, hmm how come I didnt think of that? (like above, shouldnt it be obvious that we should view our 'ordinary lives' as desirable and wonderful?)
So the past few days I have been really focusing on the concept of a quiet heart.
"'Lord, You have assigned me my portion and my cup, and have made my lot secure' (psalm 16:5) I know no greater simplifier for all of life. Whatever happens is assigned. Does the Intellect balk at that? Can we say that there are things which happen to us which do not belong to our lovingly assigned 'portion' (this belongs to it, that does not?) Are some things, then, out of the control of the Almighty? Every assignment is measured and controlled for my eternal good. As I accept the portion given, other options are cancelled. Decisions become much easier, directions clearer, and hence my heart has become inexpressibly quieter"
Man, how peaceful does that sound! Just the sound of a "quiet heart" is appealing! I have found in just a few short days that by truly accepting my portion things have become much easier. I dont feel burdened as much by what decisions to make, I feel at peace with where things are going and sure enough, my heart HAS become inexpressibly quieter!
So I have been in the hospital for going on 5 weeks now and sadly (and I am very ashamed to admit this) I have only read 1 book in its entirety :-( I am seriously embarassed to admit this because in general I am an avid reader--I really enjoy sitting down with a good book (even if it is just a trashy, easy read) and I always hated being in school having to spend time reading text books that were boring when I would rather be reading novels and having lengthy book discussions with friends (friends being Megan...yes, we were the nerds who would go to a bar, sip on a beer for an hour and discuss foreshadowing/symbolism/etc. haha sorry Meg! you have to admit it is a little nerdy) But for some reason I have really struggled in finding a book that has kept my attention since being in the hospital. The one book I read in full was My Sisters Keeper and I read that within the 1st day and a half of being here (and yes it is much better as a book than a movie).
I have tried a variety of books, from The Vampire Diaries (for those that dont know, I am quite Twilight obsessed so this is right up my alley haha) and I couldnt get through more than 100 pages, I have tried Vanishing Acts by Jodi Picoult (another one of my fav authors), I have tried reading a few books by Ted Dekker (I was given book 1 in his series, Sinner and really loved it and was so excited to get the next two but I for some reason cant get myself started). I have tried reading parenting books, biographies, silly girly books, pregnancy books, etc. I feel horrible like my brain is rotting, and I get annoyed with myself for being "bored" when I have a stack of books next to me! I dont know if I have just been to antsy, distracted, etc. that when I start reading my mind relaxes and just wanders to the real things I have been thinking about (baby, induction, etc.) But people keep bringing me books, which I genuinely want to read but just cant, until...
I was given a book by my mother in law, Keep A Quiet Heart by Elisabeth Elliot and was excited to start reading it (she said it was great) but I was also kind of thinking that this would be another great book to add to my stack of books I couldnt get into. But this past Sunday, after listening to a few online sermons, I kind of felt in the mood to read so I jumped on that and opened up this book--its great! I have been able to stick with it and read and it really touches on topics that I can relate with so well right now. I think it works great for me because it is a bunch of short "articles" (I dont know if they would even be considered articles) that are 1-3pages in length on a variety of topics but all relating back to the idea of a "quiet heart"...It works perfectly for me! It has wonderful scripture refrences, it is all Godly wonderful stories and it is in short doses--it helps me to take advantage of quieting my mind while I read, taking a break from everything I've been thinking and just being able to relax in my reading...I miss relaxing in my reading and her writing is so great because of what it focuses on! With articles entitled, "Do Not Forecast Grief", "A Lesson in Things Temporal", and "Lord, Please Remove my Dilemma" (how often do we feel this way?!)
" St. Augustine said, "The very pleasures of human life men aquire by difficulties". There are times when the entire arrangement of our existence is disrupted and we long then for just one ordinary day--seeing our ordinary life as greatly desirable, even wonderful, in light of the terrible disruption that has taken place. Difficulty opens our eyes to pleasures we had taken for granted"
All I am going to say is: I wish I had read this 3 months ago.
I feel like she is hitting on topics so close to home for me but is doing it in such a soft, gentle way that I dont feel crappy after reading it, like I am falling so short of how I should be responding to my situation. It is so simply put that I often think, hmm how come I didnt think of that? (like above, shouldnt it be obvious that we should view our 'ordinary lives' as desirable and wonderful?)
So the past few days I have been really focusing on the concept of a quiet heart.
"'Lord, You have assigned me my portion and my cup, and have made my lot secure' (psalm 16:5) I know no greater simplifier for all of life. Whatever happens is assigned. Does the Intellect balk at that? Can we say that there are things which happen to us which do not belong to our lovingly assigned 'portion' (this belongs to it, that does not?) Are some things, then, out of the control of the Almighty? Every assignment is measured and controlled for my eternal good. As I accept the portion given, other options are cancelled. Decisions become much easier, directions clearer, and hence my heart has become inexpressibly quieter"
Man, how peaceful does that sound! Just the sound of a "quiet heart" is appealing! I have found in just a few short days that by truly accepting my portion things have become much easier. I dont feel burdened as much by what decisions to make, I feel at peace with where things are going and sure enough, my heart HAS become inexpressibly quieter!
Thursday, February 4, 2010
so THATS why I'm here
So we finally got to talk to Dr.Brady last night (we hadnt seen a dr since the resident who told me the ultrasound results) and we got a few questions answered--so I obviously begged to go home, presented my case of why I wanted/thought I could manage strict bedrest at home, etc. I asked him what the chances of letting me go home were: none ha!
He said that the biggest reason that they are keeping me in the hospital is apparently IUGR baby's have increased rates of being stillborns--(I guess they didnt want to tell me this before as to not scare me) but he said that he has actually had patients who had all fine tests until one day they had a bad test and delivered the baby just in time--but they were able to catch it because they were doing the non-stress tests (NST's) twice daily...so at least I feel like I am doing something being here and that it is making a big difference even if it doesnt feel like it--knowing those risks I dont even want to go home now (if that makes any sense)
Dr.Brady also said that they will be inducing me if I make it to 37 weeks--at that point the benefits of delivery far outweigh the risks of keeping me pregnant--because 37 weeks if considered full term and I have recieved two rounds of steriod shots he said at that point they can pretty much do more on the outside than what I can do w/ the baby in...knowing this has really helped me have a better perspective on things. It is comforting to have a specific "end" in sight, it is awesome to think that I may actually make it to full term (they didnt seem to hopeful when I came in at 28 weeks) and I know that at MOST that means I only have 3 and half more weeks left of being here...strangely that is comforting to know! It makes it not seem as bad to be here and I think it takes alot of stress off of me about thinking about my next ultrasound because I know regardless of what my next ultrasound says the worst they can say is we are keeping you 2 more weeks but that will be IT! So while to some this may seem strange but to me it feels great and has helped my spirits some. A good friend sent me an exerpt from Trusting God by Jerry Bridges (great book!) and it really got me thinking:
"God does not willingly bring affliction or grief to us. He does not delight in causing us to experience pain or heartache. He always has a purpose for the grief He brings or allows to come into our lives. Most often we do not know what that purpose is, but it is enough to know that His infinite wisdom and perfect love have determined that the particular sorrow is best for us. God never wastes pain. He always uses it to accomplish His purpose. And His purpose is for His glory and our good. Therefore, we can trust Him when our hearts are aching or our bodies are racked with pain.
"Trusting God in the midst of our pain and heartache means that we accept it from Him. There is a vast difference between acceptance and either resignation or submission. We can resign ourselves to a difficult situation, simply because we see no other alternative. Many people do that all the time. Or we can submit to the sovereignty of God in our circumstances with a certain amount of reluctance. But to truly accept our pain and heartache has the connotation of willingness. An attitude of acceptance says that we trust God, that He loves us, and knows what is best for us."
I am glad that my friend sent me this, it gives me something to think about every day and is a good way for me to keep my attitude in check. Am I resigning myself, simply submitting or is my attitude one of willingness? I can honestly say that the past few days I have had an attitude of resignation and submission but NOT one of willingness. I never realized what my resigned attitude and submitting attitude was saying to the Lord. I let myself slip a little, forgetting that true acceptance is how I say that I trust the Lord and His plans and I really need to remember that He ALWAYS knows what is best for me.
He said that the biggest reason that they are keeping me in the hospital is apparently IUGR baby's have increased rates of being stillborns--(I guess they didnt want to tell me this before as to not scare me) but he said that he has actually had patients who had all fine tests until one day they had a bad test and delivered the baby just in time--but they were able to catch it because they were doing the non-stress tests (NST's) twice daily...so at least I feel like I am doing something being here and that it is making a big difference even if it doesnt feel like it--knowing those risks I dont even want to go home now (if that makes any sense)
Dr.Brady also said that they will be inducing me if I make it to 37 weeks--at that point the benefits of delivery far outweigh the risks of keeping me pregnant--because 37 weeks if considered full term and I have recieved two rounds of steriod shots he said at that point they can pretty much do more on the outside than what I can do w/ the baby in...knowing this has really helped me have a better perspective on things. It is comforting to have a specific "end" in sight, it is awesome to think that I may actually make it to full term (they didnt seem to hopeful when I came in at 28 weeks) and I know that at MOST that means I only have 3 and half more weeks left of being here...strangely that is comforting to know! It makes it not seem as bad to be here and I think it takes alot of stress off of me about thinking about my next ultrasound because I know regardless of what my next ultrasound says the worst they can say is we are keeping you 2 more weeks but that will be IT! So while to some this may seem strange but to me it feels great and has helped my spirits some. A good friend sent me an exerpt from Trusting God by Jerry Bridges (great book!) and it really got me thinking:
"God does not willingly bring affliction or grief to us. He does not delight in causing us to experience pain or heartache. He always has a purpose for the grief He brings or allows to come into our lives. Most often we do not know what that purpose is, but it is enough to know that His infinite wisdom and perfect love have determined that the particular sorrow is best for us. God never wastes pain. He always uses it to accomplish His purpose. And His purpose is for His glory and our good. Therefore, we can trust Him when our hearts are aching or our bodies are racked with pain.
"Trusting God in the midst of our pain and heartache means that we accept it from Him. There is a vast difference between acceptance and either resignation or submission. We can resign ourselves to a difficult situation, simply because we see no other alternative. Many people do that all the time. Or we can submit to the sovereignty of God in our circumstances with a certain amount of reluctance. But to truly accept our pain and heartache has the connotation of willingness. An attitude of acceptance says that we trust God, that He loves us, and knows what is best for us."
I am glad that my friend sent me this, it gives me something to think about every day and is a good way for me to keep my attitude in check. Am I resigning myself, simply submitting or is my attitude one of willingness? I can honestly say that the past few days I have had an attitude of resignation and submission but NOT one of willingness. I never realized what my resigned attitude and submitting attitude was saying to the Lord. I let myself slip a little, forgetting that true acceptance is how I say that I trust the Lord and His plans and I really need to remember that He ALWAYS knows what is best for me.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
the REAL update
So I didnt update last night b/c we didnt get to talk w/ the dr until 9:30pm! It was ridiculous--(oh and of course as soon as Donnie went to get me potbelly's is when the dr decided to come and chat) but apparently none of the dr's communicated very well to realize that I hadnt talked w/ anyone yet so when one finally came it was a resident so that didnt help much b/c the residents cant really answer any questions definitively so she basically just came in to tell me that I would be here for another 2 weeks and that at that point they probably would be inducing me (keep in mind they have said that EVERY SINGLE TIME since Ive gotten here 4 weeks ago) ugh!
Little Buddy did grow! He was 2lbs 2oz at my last u/s (2 weeks ago) and as of yesterday he was 2lbs 12oz (overall he is the size of a 29 weeker) Which was great news! It feels so good to know that at least he is growing so whether the bed rest is helping or not we are doing something right so we are definitely excited and thankful and know that all the prayers we have been getting are definitely helping!
The sucky part is being here for 2 more weeks...I know logically that the longer he stays in the better its just so frustrating--I dont know if the dr's really realize how much it tugs at our emotions to be walking on eggshells waiting to be "induced" I would rather them not act like that is even going to happen than to be saying we are 90% sure that is going to happen and than it not, its like...how do we mentally prepare ourselves? We get ourselves all worked up, and pumped up and as prepared as possible for our son to come, and for the NICU stuff to start and for the c-section stuff...thannnn we find out we have to wait 2 more weeks while in the meantime everyday when they do tests I am on pins and needles, scared that the tests are going to show some horrible result I feel like I never get a break from the stress of worrying about him, wanting him here, wanting him to grow, etc.
Then to add to that the physical toll that bedrest plays which I think alot of my family/friends dont quite get--I am in such pain and stuff from not being able to move around, my PT said that the pain will probably not go away until I am allowed out of the hospital and resume regular range of motion and activity and its gotten to the point where the only way I sleep or get any pain relief is from medication that I feel so horrible taking because even though the dr. prescribes it I honestly dont feel comfortable w/ my baby being exposed to it--but at the same time I WONT make it through 2 more weeks of pain and sleeplessness w/o the meds--its such a catch 22
For me the biggest struggle right now w/ bedrest isnt being bored/stir crazy (while I do feel that way occasionally I have SO many activities to keep me occupied) its more the emotional toll that is getting harder and harder every day--like I said above the feeling of waiting on pins and needles, the mommy guilt I struggle w/ about taking meds that I am not comfortable w/, physical pain, and I really really REALLY REALLLY miss just being w/ my husband at home, being able to go to sleep w/ him in OUR bed, it really sucks to watch him leave every night and to be all alone after that--I cant imagine how it feels for people who have to leave their other kids at home, it breaks my heart just to not be w/ my husband...
I know that everyone has been asking how they can help, what they can bring, etc. For the time being I think I am at the point where I just need a little space, I dont know how to explain it because obviously I am by myself all day but I just... I dunno right now I just think having Donnie come see me is all I need and I will do my best to keep everyone updated but I probably wont be blogging as much, these next 2 weeks I think are going to be alot more difficult than the last 4 and I think I just need to process that with just Donnie at least for the time being (though I appreciate all the offers!) Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers, we really appreciate the care and concern and well wishes!
Little Buddy did grow! He was 2lbs 2oz at my last u/s (2 weeks ago) and as of yesterday he was 2lbs 12oz (overall he is the size of a 29 weeker) Which was great news! It feels so good to know that at least he is growing so whether the bed rest is helping or not we are doing something right so we are definitely excited and thankful and know that all the prayers we have been getting are definitely helping!
The sucky part is being here for 2 more weeks...I know logically that the longer he stays in the better its just so frustrating--I dont know if the dr's really realize how much it tugs at our emotions to be walking on eggshells waiting to be "induced" I would rather them not act like that is even going to happen than to be saying we are 90% sure that is going to happen and than it not, its like...how do we mentally prepare ourselves? We get ourselves all worked up, and pumped up and as prepared as possible for our son to come, and for the NICU stuff to start and for the c-section stuff...thannnn we find out we have to wait 2 more weeks while in the meantime everyday when they do tests I am on pins and needles, scared that the tests are going to show some horrible result I feel like I never get a break from the stress of worrying about him, wanting him here, wanting him to grow, etc.
Then to add to that the physical toll that bedrest plays which I think alot of my family/friends dont quite get--I am in such pain and stuff from not being able to move around, my PT said that the pain will probably not go away until I am allowed out of the hospital and resume regular range of motion and activity and its gotten to the point where the only way I sleep or get any pain relief is from medication that I feel so horrible taking because even though the dr. prescribes it I honestly dont feel comfortable w/ my baby being exposed to it--but at the same time I WONT make it through 2 more weeks of pain and sleeplessness w/o the meds--its such a catch 22
For me the biggest struggle right now w/ bedrest isnt being bored/stir crazy (while I do feel that way occasionally I have SO many activities to keep me occupied) its more the emotional toll that is getting harder and harder every day--like I said above the feeling of waiting on pins and needles, the mommy guilt I struggle w/ about taking meds that I am not comfortable w/, physical pain, and I really really REALLY REALLLY miss just being w/ my husband at home, being able to go to sleep w/ him in OUR bed, it really sucks to watch him leave every night and to be all alone after that--I cant imagine how it feels for people who have to leave their other kids at home, it breaks my heart just to not be w/ my husband...
I know that everyone has been asking how they can help, what they can bring, etc. For the time being I think I am at the point where I just need a little space, I dont know how to explain it because obviously I am by myself all day but I just... I dunno right now I just think having Donnie come see me is all I need and I will do my best to keep everyone updated but I probably wont be blogging as much, these next 2 weeks I think are going to be alot more difficult than the last 4 and I think I just need to process that with just Donnie at least for the time being (though I appreciate all the offers!) Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers, we really appreciate the care and concern and well wishes!
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
good news/bad news
So I am not really in the mood to do a full update right now but I wanted to let family/friends who had been waiting to hear know what is going on at least for the time being
They have decided to let me go another 2 weeks--I'm super glad he is growing and has 2 more weeks to cook but I also am struggling right now with thinking about 2 more weeks stuck in the hospital
I will post more details tomorrow...thanks for all the thoughts and prayers!
They have decided to let me go another 2 weeks--I'm super glad he is growing and has 2 more weeks to cook but I also am struggling right now with thinking about 2 more weeks stuck in the hospital
I will post more details tomorrow...thanks for all the thoughts and prayers!
its the final countdown....
Hi everyone, I just wanted to post real quick and let you all know that the "big" ultrasound is scheduled for 1pm. I will update you this as soon as we know anything, hopefully it wont take as long to talk to the dr as it did before but rest assured you all will know as soon as we know! Prayers for patience and for us to put all our hopes in what God's will is for us, not for what we want. Thanks! Love you guys!
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