another first checked off the list...

I really am horrible at updating my blog, I am so uninspired to write and when I do write its always long and too much detail for anyone to read. Nicholas is now 8 months old...well 8 and a half months haha I feel its cliche to say he's growing up so fast but he really is! I love that his personality is coming out so much and he is such a little stinker! There is really no other way to put it than saying he.is.a.stinker :-) He has started to army crawl EVERYWHERE and is really stinkin fast and of course loves to crawl to places he shouldnt be. Nevermind the HUGE open space we have in the living room for him to play in and crawl around he insists on crawling in the 6 inch space behind the recliner and since he is little he can fit in all these ridiculously tiny places that make it near impossible for Donnie and I to get him out of.

I dont really want to baby proof my house, like, I kind of think we just need to work with him on not touching things he shouldnt touch because when we go to other people's houses they arent going to have every little thing baby proofed. I am going to probably get a gate to block off the kitchen but thats more for my convenience than for him. I dunno maybe I am being silly and will change my mind when he gets even more mobile but its what we agree on for now.

He also is doing AWESOME with eating!! PRAISE GOD! We had really been struggling, I was at my wits end (probably why I didnt blog much), etc. He has started feeding therapy and is doing great--the therapist has some interesting tricks for us to try and we are currently working with him to get him to be able to hold his own bottle and tip his head back to drink, working on pacing himself (he gulps and doesnt breathe which is problematic for a variety of reasons) and we are working on introducing more solids. Right now he is pretty consistently eating 1/4 jar of baby food twice a day...1/2 jar total. I gave up on making his own food b/c we 1. have no freezer space, 2. with him only eating 1/2 jar total I think we can splurge the 47 cents to buy him a jar every two days haha He is also going to be evaluated for physical therapy in the next couple weeks to work on his low muscle tone.

Nicholas also had his first surgery which went well (thanks for all the thoughts and prayers!) I didnt even cry (well just tears welling up) when they took him back. I am such a big girl! haha He was so stinkin cute in his little gown w/ his itty bitty blood pressure cuff and little IV. He was such a trooper through it all!


RSS kids are at a pretty high risk of developing fasting hypoglycemia and ketonemia so I requested he come in extra early for surgery and get an IV w/ a sugar solution to help w/ that since he couldnt eat. His sugars stayed great during surgery and after (he was still on the IV) but he was in a decent amount of pain so they gave him some morphine so we between trying to wake up from the anesthesia and the morphine he was really out of it and didnt want to eat. After 2 hours of not wanting to eat they were wanting to discharge us but I was "that mom" and said I wasnt comfortable taking him home until he had eaten. They decided to take him off the IV to see if that helped his appetite and...it did nothing. He still wouldnt eat and after being off the IV for 20 mins they tested his sugars and they had dropped about 20 points....sooooo they admitted us which I am glad they did b/c I would not have wanted to take him home and had to be dealing w/ all that, second guessing whether to bring him back, etc.

(He looks so sad...)

(Just kidding! He was smiley and flirting with nurses about 85% of the time we were there)

We stayed until he was doing okay with feeding and was able to stablize his feedings w/o fluids and keep his sugars up. We were finally discharged Thurs. evening after meeting with an educator from the Diabetes Center to get a glucose meter and learn to check his sugars. The endocrinologist (who we are already seeing in march) wants us to keep track and make sure he doesnt get low sugars...but after all that we can at least say we are done with his first surgery, I've experienced staying in the hospital w/ LB, watching him get an IV, etc. and we all survived and came out unscathed (well LB is still not 100% but doing well)

We also found out this month that Nicky definitely has Russell Silver Syndrome (RSS). We had some genetic testing done and we finally got the results back which confirmed his diagnosis. About 40% of kids with RSS never get a biologically positive test result but we did which was good because it got rid of any doubts we had.

In the last year so much has happened, as a family we have been through so much between my hyperemesis and IV therapy, 10 weeks in the hospital on bedrest, a scary and hard labor and delivery, having an amazing & miraculous healthy 3lb baby!, taking my baby home and being terrified by his lack of growth, seeing too many dr's to count, spending hours in waiting rooms, getting tests done, talking with dr's, doing research, having therapy evaluations, therapy sessions, etc. This past year has been far from easy but it has been SO GOOD! We are so blessed and even as things arent really seeming to slow down (or get easier) with having the addition of blood sugar issues, physical therapy, etc. I am so thankful for everything in my life. I've been really meditating on Psalm 71 lately and have found such peace!


In you, Lord, I have taken refuge;
let me never be put to shame.
In your righteousness, rescue me and deliver me;
turn your ear to me and save me.
Be my rock of refuge,
to which I can always go;
give the command to save me,
for you are my rock and my fortress...

Though you have made me see troubles,
many and bitter,
YOU will restore my life again;
from the depths of the earth
you will again bring me up.
You will increase my honor
and comfort me once more.

He is SO good!

ohh oh we're half way there...

So 6 months have come and gone for Nicholas...I cant believe that he is 7 months already!! At 6 months:

- Nicholas weighed 10lbs 3oz. and was 23.5 in. long!! Go Nicky!!



- Between Nicholas and myself we had 7 doctors appointments during his 6th month



-Nicholas has gotten MUCH better at sitting unassisted and playing with toys (his favorites include: the exersaucer, crinkly parrot and any paper product)



-Nicholas has begun to roll like a mad man--he can get halfway across the living room in literally 30 seconds-- this marks the end of me being able to leave him hanging out on my bed while I get dressed



-I discovered Nicholas likes a variety of music but very much dislikes the band Dispatch for some reason



-Nicholas was still teething (sidenote: I think the tooth might *finally* be popping through at 7months 2 wks)



-had his first ride on big Uncle Joe's combines :-)



-Nicholas got another new cousin! (Hope Rose--so precious!)



-was still wearing newborn size clothing



-had his 1st night away from both mommy and daddy/ had his first slumber party with grammy and pawpaw



-tried sweet potatoes and carrots for the first time, both were good but Nicky still isnt very interested in eating anything really...but at least he doesnt make an awful pained face like he did when we tried to give him green beans at 5 months



-had his first fun experience in the johnny jump-up which he just spins in circles in because he doesnt weigh enough to bounce in it yet-- he loves it all the same though :-)



I think those are the big things that happened at 6 months--I know I am forgetting things and I am a lame mom because I dont document anything really (my thoughts on this: I never remember to take video, pictures, write down anything, etc. because I am always too enthralled in the moment and dont think "hey I should take a picture of this" until after the fact then I am bummed when I realize that our first family photo wasnt taken until Nicholas was 6 months old! how is that possible?!)



6 months was a busy month for us, as is every month, filled w/ doctors appointments, play dates, therapy stuff, going for walks, etc. I am waiting for the pause--where I feel like I can "catch up and catch my breath" but I am thinking that moment might not ever come--I suppose the best I can do is just be in the moment every day and enjoy the time w/ my little buddy...I can't wait for the holiday season to watch Nicholas enjoy his first Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas! The next time I post I should have some ridiculously cute pictures of Nicky in his 2 halloween costumes- yes thats right, 2! haha I really couldnt pass them up especially since they were a whopping $4/each. He will just have to do a costume change 1/2 way through the evening or maybe I will bring him in his Halloween costume to church on Sunday the 31st hehe I would be that ridiculous and I know I can count on at least 5 people loving that I am bringing him to church in costume..okay who can guess the 5 people? ;-)

boring

I never feel like I have much to blog about. Actually, I have things I could blog about but I figure it will be too boring to read- unless you are like my parents or siblings that might be interested in the mundane things I do with Nicholas. I dont want to become one of those people who blog everytime their baby has a dirty diaper or giggles haha I know those things are probably only interesting to me--but nonetheless I am blogging today in hopes I will be inspired about something.

So I guess I will just update about what is going on with Nicholas until I am inspired--hey its easier to update here than to tell all my close family and friends individually. Nicholas has an evaluation with First Steps (Ky's early intervention program) coming up to see if he is eligible/needs any services. He is doing awesome with gross motor which is usually an issue with RSS kids but his communication and problem solving might be needing a little help. He has his first appointment with Gastro (who I feel like are the ONLY people we havent seen at Children's lol) Hopefully this will go smoothly and we will get some answers about his reflux (which seems to be rearing its ugly head again, just in time for our insurance to stop covering his current reflux medicine...awesome, not!) He also may have some delayed gastric emptying issues but that will be determined I guess.

Nicholas also had his appointment with urology and we found out that he will have to have surgery--orchiopexy. This surgery probably wont be a big deal, I mean its only a 2 hour long procedure and we will be in and out in the same day but I am really struggling with my anxiety about this. I guess any mom can relate to the fears about their child having any procedure done I am just terrified that something will go wrong, you always hear those stories about a child that goes in for a routine procedure and than something horrible happens. I guess the worry may stem from the feeling that I am ALWAYS (actually let me rephrase...often...always is such a God word) "that person". If something has a 2% chance of happening you can bet that it will happen to me...my hyperemesis, my IUGR, my experiences with going in to have my wisdom teeth removed and ending up needing an emergency appendectomy (long story for another post...it was ridiculous to say the least). I just have bad luck, but as I Christian I feel like bad luck isnt something I should even believe or say or whatever

Luck doesnt really have a place in Christianity, does it? I mean I suppose this is just another situation that God is going to use to teach me about His sovereignty---my "luck" is a moot point, I have no luck--I have a strong and powerful God that controls my life and my experiences. I guess its just hard because I feel like as I've struggled with anxiety and worry over the years I have accumulated many verses but I feel like those verses are just laying flat to me (which is embarassing for me to even admit, that the Word of God is laying flat) I dont know if its because I have studied them so much that I am losing the "awe factor" if you can call it that. I dont think that should ever happen--I should always be in awe of how good and faithful God is, I should be in awe of His wonderful sovereignty and I should easily be reminded that I can put my faith in Him no matter the circumstance. I wonder if maybe just breaking apart the verses may help, word by word, examining why the verses are worded and placed where they are?

I know worry is something I (and many others, if not everyone) will struggle w/ their entire lives--how can you not, even if your worry is just in an initial instance its still there. Now--I know that this is something I really need to chat with God about, my feeling stagnant in His word. I know its my own fault, and I am sure I will learn something from these feelings but right now it is making me uncomfortable. Perhaps being uncomfortable is a good thing, I should probably be more concerned if I was comfortable in my static position. So, I dont know where I am going with this anymore? (my brain is frazzled lately, I swear as soon as you walk in Children's Hospital there is something that scrambles a mothers brain and makes her incapable of having full thoughts haha)

Other than the surgery Nicky is doing well--I am adjusting to dealing with rude comments from strangers about his size as some of you might have seen on Facebook. Yes people are that ridiculous and dense...apparently some individuals are born with no social filter. A good friend recommended I use those comments as an opportunity to witness to those people..."Yes he is small, he is my miracle baby, let me tell you about the awesome work God has done in our lives" I guess I'm just not holy enough for that, or I am too cynical as I think of a bunch of not so Christian things I could say instead of thinking how can I turn this into an opportunity to witness. Guess that will be something else I can work on...

Long, LONG story short--I have alot of things I should be working on right now, and I think I am...so if I dont post for a while it will probably be because I am so busy working on these things ;-) but really...just add it to my mental to do list of things to work on which I think is the plight of being a stay at home mom though I wouldnt have it any other way.

how he loves us

So here we are at the end of little buddy's 5 month of life and I am astonished. I cant believe he is almost half a year old! 6 months old seems so old (and seasoned mamas reading this can chuckle to themselves at my new mom silliness)! I think Nicholas has turned that corner of being a little person now, no longer the little baby, he has such personality now! In the last month or so he has: learned to roll from both belly to back and back to belly, can stand unassisted when holding onto the criss-crossing bars on his playmat, has started to show a little attitude already (complete with a lovely lip snarl), has discovered the full dexterity of his fingers and hands and he is overall just a loving sweet natured peanut!

I want to keep track of his month stats but I am trying to just avoid thinking about his growth as much as possible--you know just avoiding inevitable things is healthy ;-) But I do know that he was roughly 9lbs 14.5oz at his plagiocephaly appointment. (Which sidenote: Donnie weighed 9lbs 15oz AT BIRTH...Poor, poor Pammy :-) That is just ridiculous! ) As far as health things go I am starting to adjust to having weekly if not sometimes bi-weekly dr's appointments. Hopefully after Sept things will let up a little bit and we can go to monthly visits.

When it comes to his health stuff I just know that God is using Nicholas in more ways than one. First--I post on a few private listservs for Russell Silver Syndrome moms to get advice, support, etc. I posted some about Nicholas just to see what other experiences were like and I got *numerous* replies from the other moms that they've never heard of an RSS child who is doing as well as Nicky--Most said their kiddos didnt reach 10lbs until age 1, most were on feeding tubes by 5 months, many had had numerous surgeries. Even the different specialists we've seen at Children's have been shocked at his good health considering his health condition. Yet again, Nicky stumps doctors and people with how awesome he is doing! God is just so good, and not because Nicky is doing well (God would still be good even if things were much worse) but because He is using Nicholas in such a unique way. He is showing His awesome power through my son and I love that!

Lately I've been really thinking about God's love for us and how much I am learning about this through my experiences as a mother. Basically I cry everytime I think about it...which is basically every time I am driving and listening to the radio. So if you happen to drive by me and I have tears streaming down my face its probably for a good reason. This song is really getting to me lately:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TCunuL58odQ

"And we are His portion and He is our prize, Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes, If His grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking."

I cant get over how much I love Nicholas and it makes me think about how much *my* parents love me, how even though when I was a teenager and out of control I would scream and yell convinced that my parents didnt care about me because of xyz (which xyz was always for my own good). How could I have ever thought that?! And even more so, how did I ever think that God didnt care about me?! Oh, How He Loves Us! I've gone through some pretty horrible experiences that led me to believe that in this fallen world there is no God who lovingly let those things happen to me. How wrong could I have been?! He was there the whole time, has been there everytime since. Okay I am rambling and this doesnt make any sense...but nonetheless...I am learning so much everyday about my God and His love and how my earthly love for Nicholas is only a fraction of His love for me. I am so thankful to be having these experiences that teach me more about who God is.

As the months go on, and Nicholas gets older I am loving seeing life through his eyes (which is so cheesetastic that I cant believe I just said it!...I am one of those moms hehe) I cant wait to see what 6 months has in store for us! I am sure it will be a fantastic month and I am sure that I will be so sad to see it go...I remember 6 weeks just like it was yesterday....

a short one for once

-I figured I should jump on the bandwagon w/ everyone doing bullet point posts lately--I know, I know, my blog is always long and wordy but maybe if I update short posts more often I can cut back on that

-I joined the MAGIC Foundation (Major Aspects of Growth In Children) and in becoming a member they sent me this great comprehensive guidebook about RSS/SGA. I've been reading it everyday bit by bit (its LONG and a lot of medical jargon) It has been great! I actually understand the genetics (shock!) and it makes me appreciative that I had to take statistics in college and learn how to read medical & academic journals--who-da known that would come in handy?? (and thanks again to my sister Devon who taught me & my classmates college statistics over speakerphone since our prof was an idiot)

-We leave for Lake Barkley on Wed--and I am such a buzz kill already, I know it will be fun but I'm dreading it simply because I dont want to pack. Vacations lose alot of their fun factor when you have to pack for 3 people, calculate amount of frozen breastmilk to bring and factor in all possibilities so you dont run out, etc. That and the fact that I will have to unpack our suitcases from Cleveland to re-pack them for Barkley...I know, thats sad right?

- I've been thinking alot about my marriage lately and I just love Donnie and am so thankful that I am in a Christian marriage above anything else--I'm going to this seminar at my church about this book "The God Empowered Wife" I read it not long after I got married but I wanted to go back and re-read before the seminar...I just love this: "Relationships are God's vice grips. They squeeze you until your sins ooze out--sins you wouldnt have had to face otherwise, but that enslave you and separate you from God" Wow! doesnt that make marriage sound so fun!? haha actually its great and so true...I could go on and on about this book but I'll save that for a long post after the seminar

-Man, I suck, even my bullet points are long :-/

a day off from being a grown up

I really wish sometimes that I could just have a day off from being a grown up...where I could just do nothing, and think about nothing while I was doing nothing. While yes, I have been VERY lucky as of lately to have a day to myself with my best friend (thanks to Pam and the sisters for watching Nicholas for me!) I still spent a majority of my "free day" thinking about what I have to do, what is going in in my little family, etc. It would be glorious to just sit and do nothing, not think about anything and have someone who would prepare all the meals, keep my house clean, etc. Basically I want a mom for a day and I want to have a child-like thought process for just a few hours...ahh to be a kid again..


Since this is obviously not reality I suppose I will update on what has been going on in the last month. I am a horrible blogger as of late, and I know this post wont be much better. My posts are always long and wordy and full of details that I know nobody but me really wants haha But it is nice to go back and look at past posts and reminisce about what was going on in my life especially since its been a year since I started my blog (I think?). So July was a crazy hectic month, in June I had my highschool reunion and I feel like since then things have been on fast forward. Nicholas had his first ear infection which was not fun, and I'm pretty sure he's begun teething. At the end of June we went to Terre Haute, IN to help my sister move which was fun to see her new house and spend time w/ her boys who I miss terribly when I dont get to see them. Hopefully I will see them more often now that they are only 3 hours away (as opposed to 8 hours away in Madison,WI).


On our way back from Terre Haute we stopped in Indy to spend the night w/ my best friend D and her husband. Then on June 30th I also went to the Midnight release of Eclipse w/ my best friend D and my sister--it was awesome and for those that dont know I am a closet Twi-Hard :-)


Then we got home and were home for a few days then we had a big picnic at our house w/ family and friends which was a blast. I got to see my brother who I hadnt seen since Sept. 2009! and I got to meet his beautiful girlfriend :-) My sister and her husband and kids spent the night at our place which was so fun and gave me a glimpse of what my life will be like in a few years--a house full of fun, rambunctious boys! Cant wait! We took her oldest 2 fishing for the first time and it was so cute! They both caught a fish and actually were more patient with the fishing than I anticipated they would be (considering they are 5 and 3 years old). Donnie also set up a 100ft long slip and slide for them at our house which I of course "tested out" before the boys went down...uhm I would not recommend doing a slip n slide over the age of 10. I got going a little fast and flew off the end another 5-10ft haha I really do wish I had video of me doing this because I am sure I looked completely foolish! But it was fun :-) Then Nicholas had his 1st 4th of July celebrations to attend--we went to dinner at Donnie's sisters and then fireworks out at Gautrauds which was fun. Nicholas got to experience his first fireworks (kinda? he saw a few then I put him to bed while the rest were going off)


I also had a fun bachelorette party for a good friend which was so fun to go to now that I am married haha and then that same evening I actually went to ANOTHER bachelorette dinner and party (bus) haha it was really fun to go out and party and you know me...being thrifty...I brought my own drinks along in my purse haha I spent most of the evening talking about Nicholas with another one of the new moms who was on the party bus--we are so exciting! woo hoo! not. This month I also took Nicholas swimming for the first time which was great fun--he loved the water and he basically looked adorable in his "swimming costume" as my mom calls it ;-)



Then I had Nicholas' 4 month well visit--this was quite an event for me. Now I will preface this section by saying that I wasnt sure if I wanted to blog about this stuff but the more and more I think about it the more and more I feel okay sharing this info--it will save me from awkward moments in the future (having to explain then) and I know that my blog has been a blessing to many women who have privately messaged me (other moms who had IUGR babies, bed rest experiences, etc.) So I am blogging about my experience not to allow other to be voyeurs into our life but in hopes that I can provide some peace or understanding for another mom in a similar situation who happens to search and find my blog. Okay that being said:

so Nicholas had his 4 month well visit with Dr.Deis (who is great by the way! I highly recommend him!) and at this appointment a few concerns were brought up by the dr. Nicholas is obviously still really small. There's no beating around the bush about this, his weight gain has never been horrible but its definitely not great and usually around this age is when preemies (or SGA babies) sometimes start to catch up/make great gains in their weight/length. Nicholas just isnt, and along with a variety of other characteristics and things we have been struggling with (eating issues, reflux, etc.) The pedi recommended we take Nicholas to Children's to have some genetic testing done. This was a shock for me...kinda. When I was in the hospital with the IUGR stuff I had done some research then about genetic causes for IUGR but didnt look into them very much because its hard to do that before your baby is born (you dont know what symptoms to look for, etc. so what is the point in scaring yourself until you are faced with it after your child is born). Anyway--so the pedi wants us to take Nicholas to be checked out by a geneticist, and a gastroenterologist at Children's also (to check about his reflux) and also wants a consult w/ plastics at childrens because apparently Nicholas' flat spot is getting worse/not getting better and he may need helmet therapy for his plagiocephaly (fancy word for flat spot). I of course hold it together during our appointment (and Nicholas getting shots which really was just icing on the cake to my already *fantastic* appointment)


After the appointment I of course lost it--so many thoughts going through my head, just the overall fear of what this could mean, I felt incredibly overwhelmed just at the number of appointments we were going to have. So I schedule all the appointments and we have our genetics appointment first. So first: praise the Lord! Just in general--for everything! Praise the Lord that I am a stay at home mom (and that we can afford for me to be one!) With all the appointments its MUCH easier to schedule them having a completely open schedule. Praise the Lord that we live where we do and we have an AMAZING Children's hospital 20 mins. from our house--we arent having to pick up and travel to go see these dr's. Praise the Lord that I have a pediatrician who is so on top of the ball that he is acting proactively about these issues--he isnt waiting for the you know...crap to hit the fan...before referring us for consults (and I am pretty sure he is a Christian which just makes it all the better!) Praise the Lord for a husband who knows just what to say to calm me down when I call him in frantics and Praise the Lord for a family (on both sides) who are so supportive, calm, loving and just amazing!


So we had the genetics appointment a few weeks ago-- before the appointment I did some research of my own and looked at symptoms/characteristics of the suspected condition (which Nicholas has like 90% of the characteristics), and looked at some pictures of children with this condition (some were like mirror images of Nicholas--which literally my heart stopped when looking at some of these pictures. I just knew before we had the appointment what the result was going to be). So after a great appointment with a geneticist and a genetic counselor we have come to the result that Nicholas does in fact have Russell Silver Syndrome. This explains SO MUCH! It explains why I had all the difficulties in my pregnancy (doesnt quite explain the hyperemesis but I found that many other women who have RSS babies also had hyperemesis even though there is no medical link per say). It explains the IUGR, it explains his small size, it explains everything! But it also has its hard points--there can be some difficult side effects with Russell Silver Syndrome which I am still dealing with accepting.

Every mom thinks their child is perfect--and Nicholas is in my eyes. This diagnosis doesnt change anything really for how I feel about Nicholas but if anything its just another opportunity to turn to the Lord with open hands, ready for what He wants to give me. (Not to down play that this has been a struggle for me-- I sometimes want to close my "open hands" into fists and stomp and scream like a little kid having a hissy fit because its just "not fair" that we went through everything we did and this is the result) But I know that already Nicholas has been such a testament to the awesome and mighty power of MY God! He is and always will be our miracle baby--I know that God has such a special plan for Nicholas and I know that He is going to continue using Nicholas to teach Donnie and I more about Him. There will be struggles up ahead in the road but at least we now know what we are dealing with--we can take this head on and get things moving, getting Nicholas in to see all the different dr's he needs to see (urologists, geneticists, endocrinologists, cardiologists, gastroenterologists, plastics, orthopaedics, and probably more but that is just the list for now). I really also wanted to post this because I know that as Nicholas gets older and doesnt get much bigger there will be lingering questions and thoughts.

I'd rather just answer those questions and thoughts now--through this--than in the future. I know that Nicholas is such a tiny peanut and always will be and I will have to work on my generic "answer" for when people ask me why he's so tiny still (which is already starting). But I know who reads this blog (for the most part) and its people that I know will be loving and respectful and kind in reaction to this :-)

So after we had this appointment and got this somewhat difficult news we also got some more difficult news that evening. We found out that my Uncle Jeff passed away. I still have such a sad and heavy heart about this news. My uncle was such an upbeat, funny, caring man. He always had such a positive outlook and had a magnetic personality. He will be missed VERY much by MANY people. He was a wonderful father (he has an 8 year old daughter), a great husband, and a fun uncle--his funeral was a great service and it was so nice to see how many lives my uncle had touched. I am so glad that Nicholas was able to meet my Uncle Jeffy during easter this year.
These pictures are my last memories of Uncle Jeff and I'm glad that I am able to have positive, happy memories to recall back to. We will miss you Uncle Jeff!

busy busy

I enjoy being busy because I like having things going on that I look forward too but I also hate feeling like I cant pause and enjoy the moment because there is always somewhere else to be...that being said this weekend felt so busy--Donnie has been working insane hours, I think he worked something like 115 hours in 9 days?! It is such a blessing that his company is doing so well, and of course his paychecks are awesome but I miss him, alot...I think Nicholas does too

Between him being gone at work for roughly 12 hours everyday by the time he gets home, we eat dinner, feed nicholas and put him down its time for bed already and then it happens all over again and heaven forbid our grass needs mowing because than we REALLY dont see Donnie--so when weekends come I want them to not be busy but this weekend felt packed

I had my 5 year high school reunion which is kind of weird to have and kind of weird that I went but I more just wanted an excuse to dress cute (meaning wear something other than jeans and a tshirt and flip flops) and feel like a "normal" 23 year old--Ursuline does all-school reunion kind of things like this reunion was for the class of 2005, 2000, 1995, 1990, 1985, 1980, etc. So its interesting (sidenote: it will be really fun because when I have my 10 year reunion my little sister will be having her 5 reunion at the same time!)--it started with mass and then a cocktail hour (naturally) then dinner, dancing etc. It was funny because even though the invitations were for alums and their spouses/significant others there werent really many men there (even for the older women) and the men that were in attendance looked like the boys at a UA high school dance--they were being dragged around by their wives, being used to take pictures and refill drinks haha it was really strange being back in the school even though it has physically changed alot

There was one distinct moment when I was in the restroom with all of my high school friends (the bathrooms hadnt changed a bit) and we were walking out into the hallway joking and I was like wow--I feel like nothing has changed and I am back in highschool...all I needed was my plaid skirt and I woulda been there. But really, since its only been 5 years not too much has changed--I recently got a letter in the mail, I wrote it to myself my senior year of high school and my teachers just mailed it--in the letter I wrote about where I wanted to be in 5 years and much to my surprise it was pretty acurate for my life. I wanted to be married to Donnie, check, (we started dating my jr. year of high school and I knew from our 1st date on that we were going to get married haha), I wanted to be graduated from college w/ a degree that enabled me to do some sort of counseling, check, I wanted to maybe have a child/be pregnant, check, My group of friends has somewhat changed but I still keep in touch with all of my friends from back then--in getting this letter it just reaffirmed how much I love my life and how happy I've been with all of my big life decisions

When looking at my high school friends I sometimes feel like the odd man out because I married my high school sweetheart, I have bills/mortgage to pay, I dont go out every night, I have a baby, I dont go on extravagent trips to vegas or L.A., etc. I just sometimes feel like I'm not normal for my age but then I look at Nicholas and Donnie and I wouldnt trade any of it for the world....I love my guys :-), I like that I am settled down--I enjoy more just hanging out w/ my husband and baby than going out and yes I had a blast at my reunion and going out afterward but I'm just not made for that lifestyle--my feet were killing me (I wore my little sisters 5 inch heels which I think caused permanent damage to my feet), I was tired, I'm too cheap to drink anything but beer, I came home and was exhausted and knew I pushed myself too far by staying out w/ my old high school friends and now 2 days later I am paying for it as I sit here sick on the couch

My life is so good though and has turned out infinitely better than what 18 year old me could have imagined--I think I should probably write myself a letter again now and hide it away for another 5 years--its fun to see what I was thinking and what my goals were and if I had achieved them...I think my life is actually only going to get more fun as time goes on and that "my old glory days" were not so much glory days haha

Little Peanut

I hate that I only update my blog like once a month now....I would do it more often but honestly my life is pretty boring and I find I dont really have much to blog about other than Nicholas but I know that him doing something cute is much more exciting to me than it probably is to most people that being said...

He is so stinkin cute! I think I probably say that at least 10x's a day still, I wonder if I will ever get used to his cuteness or if I will always think he is unusually cute? He is doing pretty well--his 3 month stats are 8lbs, 20in. which is pretty good. He is still in the 0 percentile lol but his head circumference is on the charts :-) At his appointment today the dr. showed me his growth chart and he was on a great growth curve which aligned with the normal growth curve it was just below it (parallel to the "normal" curve though if that makes any sense). I was starting to be a little concerned because in the last 2 weeks or so Nicholas has been sleeping A TON!

I know, I know...what mom complains/worries about too much sleep? Well...I do haha He was sleeping from 10:30pm-8:30am (which was me waking him up at 8:30-he would have slept longer) I feed him and by 9am he is sleeping again until I wake him up at 12:30 and then by 1pm he is sleeping again then I wake him up at 3:30pm feed him and back to sleep again usually for about an hour or two then is up until 7:30 then he takes random 20 min cat naps between 7:30-10:30....so basically he spends way more time sleeping than being awake which I thought at first was just a growth spurt but in the last couple days he hasnt been eating as much at his feedings and he is very dissinterested in eating so I went ahead and called the pediatrician

We went today and all is well (he looks super healthy!) The pediatrician wasnt concerned about the sleep on its own only in combination with him eating less--basically we need to be fortifying his bottles of milk more than we already are (we were doing 1tsp of formula mixed in w/ every bottle of breastmilk now we need to do 2tsp of formula mixed in to every bottle) He needs to be eating about 18oz./day to maintain and gain weight so the pedi said as long as he is eating that amount I should just let him sleep when he wants to sleep

This is such a relief! I have really been struggling w/ my anxiety lately about Nicholas and his health. Its hard to differentiate between normal mommy worry and worry that is above and beyond---its like as soon as anything variates I assume its something serious and life threatening for example: with the sleeping stuff instead of thinking "oh he is sleeping more maybe its just a growth spurt or a phase" I think "He has some serious genetic condition and he is going to die"...literally I have these thoughts...not okay! I dont know if its because of all the pregnancy complications and him being so small still that I just go to the worst case scenario--and if it is because of the experiences in the past am I always going to be extra worried about his health for the rest of his life or will I ever feel like we are "out of the woods"? I dont know...maybe some other moms can chime in on this

I hate the anxiety and worry and not because it physically and emotionally is so horrible but because all I can think of is how incredibly SINFUL it is ugh! I hate that in my worrying I recognize I am being sinful yet I struggle with taking my thoughts captive--a good friend recommend in those times just have a running list going through what I am thankful for and man! I have a LOT to be thankful for! But then it makes me feel even worse because I think my worry=me doubting Gods sovereignty which is so horrible since God has been so good to me! He has blessed me, kept my child safe and healthy, He is just so faithful and here I am worrying still! You would think by now that I would know that God is in control of everything! It just scares me how much I love Nicholas because its so all encompassing...like nothing Ive ever experienced! The love for your child is something no one can prepare you for--that instant bond and overwhelming love is incredible...and scary :-)

So now that Nicholas is 3 months old he is changing so much everyday (at least it seems that way) he has great head control and loves to look around (he is incredibly nosy haha) he has come really really close to rolling over a few times and I swear once his arms are a little stronger he will be crawling because when hes on his belly his legs already like push his body forward and he wiggles across the floor--it is ridiculous to seem him do all these things (including the head control) because its like looking at a newborn doing these things! He amazes strangers who dont realize he is 3 months old haha and I'm okay not correcting them--let them think my newborn baby smiles on demand and holds his head up haha

hmmm...nothing really else going on, things are great, life is awesome and God is good :-) Oh here is a clip of a commercial I really enjoy because it is so ridic! The Coolest You'll Look Pooping Your Pants (and no its not vulgar) it makes me laugh everytime because I just think of little Nicholas walking in them haha

slacker

I have been a complete and total slacker in my blogging--who knew that having only 1 baby would take up so much time?! Megan and I often sit back and laugh at how we were such fools...we had these lavish dreams of being stay at home moms who would have all the free time in the world, I mean what would we do to keep ourselves from getting bored with our newborns? We had visions of afternoon walks and picnics in the park

HA! we were such FOOLS! Our "afternoon walks and picnics in the park" are us sitting cramped in a nursery begrudginly pumping/nursing our babies and talking about how we havent gotten out of the house in a week and when we did we were covered in spit up :-)

That being said please dont get me wrong, I do absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE being a stay at home mom, I cant believe how blessed I am to have a husband who works extra hard so that I have the luxury (and yes I know how much of a true luxury it is) to stay home and cherish my baby every minute of every day....it hurts my heart to think that I would have already had to be back at work at this point had I decided to work/stay in grad school--to miss seeing every little change in Nicholas is something that I wouldnt be able to handle.

Speaking of changes, little Nicky is changing so much! He is 2months old now (well actually 11 weeks old on Wed--I admitted I was a slacker) At his 2 month appointment he was 6lbs 2oz. and 19.25 in long, as of last Tues he was 6lbs 8oz so I am sure by this point he is at least 7lbs! EEK! At dinner tonight our waiter guessed Nicholas was a week old...this is a regular occurance along with people not being able to help themselves from being nosy--its always awkward when after I explain, "no he wasnt a preemie, he was full term just very small" when people ask "do they know why he is so tiny? what happened" ...."well it all started 9 months ago when I suffered from a condition called hyperemesis..."

Honestly, what do people expect me to say? I just smile and use each time to remember he is tiny but mighty and when I am able to proudly say that he didnt spend any time in the NICU I am reminded of how great our God is, how incredibly blessed I am and just how amazing Nicholas really is. At his two month appointment he got his first round of shots, he handled them like a champ, me on the other hand, well I cried before they even gave him his first, the nurse walked into the room w/ them and I started bawling, he got the shots then let out a few little cries, I held him and rocked him and he was fine promptly 2 mins later, while I was still crying and the dr left the room saying, "I'll just give you a few minutes to compose yourself" haha

He is doing okay growth wise, not amazing but not bad just average I suppose. I think they were wanting to see a little more growth than what he had but nothing to worry about. He also began struggling with acid reflux at around 7 weeks but we got him on zantac and that seems to be helping so far. They also heard a slight heart murmur which had me freaking out. The dr said its really common and only about 1 in 100 kids ever end up needing surgery to fix it--well I AM THE 1 in 100!! (clearly from my pregnancy I dont have the greatest luck in medically related things). Well thankfully I didnt pass my bad luck on to Nicholas and after an appt with a cardiologist we know we have nothing to worry about and no follow up appt was even needed :-) Praise God!

Nicholas is starting to smile ALOT more and it melts my heart--I literally spend at least an hour a day holding him and just looking at him/talking to him--listening to his little sounds and watching his smiles really make me a happy lady. He is so close to laughing that Donnie and I are just waiting to hear it. I cant wait to watch him grow and change, with him being as tiny as he is I cant picture him as anything but a tiny baby--I cant even picture him being the size of a normal 6 month old baby--like he will always be a little peanut in my eyes. He really is my little buddy :-)

My Guys--Nicholas and Daddy cuddling, my favorite thing to see every afternoon!

Short & Sweet

This is my short and sweet birth story for anyone who wants to know what happened but doesnt want to read all about placenta and afterbirth :-)

Monday March 1st-
9:45pm- Cervadil inserted to begin ripening my cervix- I was 1-2cm, 50% effaced and -1 station
10:00pm-membranes stripped which caused mild contractions and back pain

Tues March 2nd-
9:30am- removed cervadil 2cm, 70% effaced and -1 station
11:00am- started Pitocin on lowest dose (2)
3:00pm- Checked again, Pitocin dose was now at 20 (highest dose), still no regular contractions, continued back pain, membranes stripped again
3:30pm- got into birthing tub, contractions were now regular and strong 1min long 2 mins apart(meaning 1 minute break between each 1 minute long contraction)
6:00pm- Devon (my doula/sister) left briefly, I got out of the birthing tub, contractions were still 1 min long, 2 mins apart
7:45pm- Devon returned, checked again-4cm, 70% effaced -1 station contractions still 2 mins apart 1 min long
8:15pm- got in birth tub again, really strong contractions starting to get closer together
9:45pm- checked again still 4cm, 70% effaced
10:00pm- recieved Nubaine shot for pain management, contractions were now non-stop with no break in between each contraction
11:10pm- sat up to begin getting an Epidural
11:30pm- Epidural was placed--it takes 20-30 mins for the meds to begin working, still 4cm, 70% effaced
11:52pm- Checked again I was now 7-8cm and my midwife broke my water
11:56pm- checked again I was now 10cm, 100% effaced ready to go

Wed March 3rd-
12:02am- began pushing, I pushed 7 times, reached down and felt his head
12:13am- Nicholas is born!!

My Birth Story

***THIS IS THE LONG VERSION MY NEXT POST WILL BE THE CONDENSED "BARE BONES" DETAILS FOR ANYONE WHO DOESNT WANT TO READ THIS NOVEL***

Nicholas James Glenn
Born 3/3/2010 at 12:13am
3lbs 6.9oz & 15.5 inches long

**Words of caution: this birth story does contain medical phrases, body parts, etc. so if this makes you uncomfortable—don’t read haha**

I don’t know where to even begin in my birth story with Nicholas—my pregnancy was anything but easy with my experiences with hyperemesis gravidarum during weeks 5-16 of my pregnancy. My hyperemesis caused me to be on modified bed rest with 24/7 IV hydration, a zofran pump and home health care. I thankfully was given a “break” from all the crazy medical stuff during weeks 16-28—during this time I only had moderate nausea/vomiting, mild weight loss and was able to be active (meaning no bed rest, no IV pole, etc.) During this break we found that Nicholas was small for his gestational age and we were monitored closely—unfortunately his growth continued to drop lower and lower and at 28 weeks he was officially diagnosed with IUGR (intrauterine growth restriction) and I was admitted to Good Samaritan Hospital to be on strict bed rest. From weeks 28-37 I was on strict bed rest at the hospital and then was scheduled to be induced at 37 weeks (which is medically considered full term). At Nicholas’ last ultrasound (on Feb 16th) they guessed his weight to be 3lbs 7oz. and my induction was scheduled for two weeks later.

While I was on bed rest my prenatal care was transferred to the Maternal Fetal Medicine doctors at Good Sam which work with high-risk moms but thankfully we made it to full term and I was able to be transferred back to my midwives for my delivery. My induction began on Monday, March 1st. To start the induction they used a medication called cervadil-this works to ripen and thin out the cervix and prepare it for dilation and labor. I was originally going to be administered this at 9pm and stay on the special care OB floor (where I had been for the past 2 months). But since the midwives had no idea how my body or Nicholas would react to the cervadil they decided to go ahead and move me to the labor and delivery suite in case of an emergency. Devon (my sister and doula) and Donnie were with me as we packed up my room and headed over to L&D. I was really excited and wanting to get things going—I was so ready to meet my baby and to be that much closer to being off bed rest! They let me walk to L&D (which I hadn’t been allowed to do for 9 weeks!) When we got to L&D, my midwife Sue, explained the cervadil to me and put it in. Going into this induction I knew that there was a very high chance that my delivery would result in an emergency c-section as IUGR babies often don’t react well to labor. Donnie and I were really hoping to avoid a c-section, but we knew that the chances of having a successful vaginal delivery, let alone a med-free (pain med free) vaginal delivery were very slim. I had been praying that my body had naturally started to prepare itself for labor despite it being 3 weeks before my due date—when Sue checked me before putting the Cervadil in I was 1-2cm, 50% effaced and -1 station! I was so happy because I knew starting out at this point my chances of a successful induction were increased.

So at 10pm on Monday night the Cervadil was inserted (and Sue stripped my membranes which is often done to help jumpstart labor also) and I was given an ambien to help me sleep through the night (knowing that the plan was to start pitocin in the morning). At this point Devon went home, planning on coming back early the next morning—cervadil is a 12 hour long medication that sometimes needs to be administered more than once before it works. I could tell that it was working somewhat that night because I wasn’t able to sleep at all because it started very mild contractions and a lot of bad back pain (which was a foreshadowing to really bad back labor).

In the morning Sue’s shift was over and Kim, a different midwife, took over. At this point Devon came back and my other sister Kate came to work and was assigned me as a patient—having my sisters there as support made a HUGE difference in my labor experience and I will be forever grateful for their encouragement, support and love. At 9:30am Kim came and removed my cervadil and checked me again—I was at a solid 2cms of dilation, 70% effaced and -1 station—so some progress had been made but not much, but enough to start the Pitocin. Pitocin is a synthetic form of oxytocin which causes your body to contract. I was scared to start the Pit because it is known for causing really strong contractions and for making pain-med free labors much more difficult. I was still really hopeful on remaining pain-med free at this point. Kate begrudgingly started my pitocin (we joked that she had to be the ‘bad sister’—always coming to up my pitocin dosage to make stronger contractions while Devon got to be the ‘good sister’ who just sat and comforted me haha) So at 11am the pitocin was started on the lowest dose (2)—it could be increased up to the highest dose of 20. Unfortunately being on the lowest dose- it didn’t cause contractions so Kate had to continually up the dosage. During this time I walked the halls hoping that contractions would start, I had to be on the fetal monitor the entire time I was in labor (they put me on the monitors from the time they started the cervadil the night before) With Nicholas being so small and me having an anterior placenta the monitors did not like to stay on him. I had a difficult time finding positions that would allow him to stay on the monitor the entire time. By 3pm, Kim checked me again and I was at 3-4cm, 70% effaced and still -1 station. Kim also stripped my membranes again (which caused some contractions the last time it was done) Kate had the pitocin turned up to the maximum dose and this was when my labor really started. With the pitocin being so high when I started having contractions they were hard and close together—1 minute long, 2 minutes apart. I essentially would have a minute of rest between the contractions.

At this point I was still in early labor, I was excited that the contractions had actually started (even though they were really intense and close together). I was able to use my Bradley relaxation techniques to help with the pain. Devon and Donnie both encouraged me to breathe through each contraction, relax my entire body and just take one contraction at a time. I was still talking, joking, etc. at this point (a clear sign of early labor despite the close contractions). At 3:30pm Kate had the birthing tub brought into my room and I got into that. The birthing tub was a complete lifesaver for me! It dramatically helped my contractions (which were close and also in my back which was really painful). I labored in the tub until about 6pm. During this time I started to get a little more serious, not talking as much, but still managing fine. At 6pm, Devon left to briefly go home to put her son to bed (knowing I was still in early labor and it was going to be a while). I also got out of the tub at 6pm which was horrible. It was much more difficult to handle my contractions but I wanted to try some different positions to get him moving and to keep my labor going. At this point the contractions were intense but the minute long break between each contraction was enough to keep them manageable. I even joked that I didn’t understand why women get epidurals (haha this would come to bite me in the butt) having the break in between each one made it so that I was able to rest and prepare for the next one. At around 7:30pm Devon came back and at 7:45pm I was checked again. At this point the contractions were starting to get much more difficult and seemed to be closer together. When I was checked this time I was at 4cm, 70% effaced and still -1 station. This is when things began to get tough—the contractions were really intense in my back and the exhaustion of being up for over 24hours was kicking in. I was no longer joking, talking, etc. I could tell I was definitely in labor and moving through the stages (which is a good thing—not so fun when you’re in the moment though). At around 8:15pm I got into the birthing tub again hoping for the relief it provided last time—this time it didn’t help as much, the contractions started to get closer together and the breaks in-between seemed shorter and shorter. The breaks in between were shorter, my body (which coming into this labor was already worn down from 2 months of bed rest—my muscles were much weaker because of the lack of movement and my stamina was waning). I felt like I got the short end of the stick at this point—because of the bed rest I was weaker than normal, I hadn’t slept well in basically 2 months and I started to feel like I wouldn’t be able to manage much longer. I was convinced that I had to be farther along, the pressure was incredibly low and I was sure that I had to be close to transition since my contractions were non-stop.

This is when I began to ask for meds. I was so physically tired, my body did not want to cooperate and I was feeling desperate. I had been having intense, close together contractions for the past 6 hours and physically I knew I was close to the end of my rope. I got out of the tub at 9:45pm and was checked again. I could see the disappointment in Kim’s face when I asked how far along I was, surely I had progressed in the last 3 hours. I was still only 4cm dilated but I was about 80% effaced and he was as low as he could get. I didn’t understand how my body could be having these intense contractions with no break but not be further along. I was convinced that I was going to be in labor for at least a whole more night which I knew physically I wouldn’t be able to do. I needed rest and a break but it wasn’t going to happen. We discussed with Kim some of my pain management options—I was strongly against getting an epidural going into this but I also knew that I wasn’t progressing well on my own, the pitocin was at its highest dose and I was also scared that the longer I was in labor the higher chance there was that Nicholas would begin to be in distress from the intense contractions. Kim suggested we try Nubain—Nubain is supposed to promote rest and lessen the pain perception (basically make the pain more manageable). We decided to try this before going for an epidural. Now this is when it gets debatable. Everyone in the room says the Nubain had a dramatic effect on me but I felt like it did nothing. I still felt every contraction only the Nubain made me feel completely out of it. I felt like I was out of body—I was aware of what everyone was doing around me (Devon was reading a book and eating an apple, Donnie was trying to rest himself, Kate was watching the monitors, etc.) but I couldn’t interact at all—I felt each contraction and was able to moan in pain but I didn’t feel able to move my body, etc. It was not the relief I was hoping for and my contractions were one right after the next with no break. At around 10:40pm, the Nubain was wearing off enough that I told Donnie I really needed the epidural, we asked everyone to leave the room and we talked about it for a while and decided that if I was going to physically be able to handle a vaginal delivery the only way for me to do so was by getting an epidural. (Side note: Kate said that while she was in the hall w/ Kim waiting for our decision Kim was really hoping I would get the epidural because she knew I probably needed it to relax enough to continue progressing)

Kate and Kim called the anesthesiologist and he came at 11:00pm. I was not scared of the epidural but I was terrified that I wouldn’t be able to sit still enough (through my constant contractions) to have him place the epidural. I just remember leaning forward onto Kate’s shoulder sobbing—I was getting an epidural which I was so against but my labor needed it. I remember Krissy (my other sister) telling me before I was induced that it was really helpful for her to remember that God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. I just prayed—God I know I can’t handle anymore, please make this stop. I was somehow mentally able to force myself to sit still and relax while he was placing the epidural. I think during the 30 minutes it took for him to place the epidural I was relaxed enough to begin progressing.

By 11:30 the epidural was placed, I sat back and Kate started the meds (which take 20-30 minutes to begin working). This is when things started to get exciting—Kim checked me again at 11:52 because I was feeling kind of like I needed to push and I had other signposts that delivery was impending (bloody show, incredible pressure really low, etc.) When she checked me at 11:52 I had gone from 4cm to 7-8cm and at this point Kim decided it would be best to break my water in hopes that it would further progress things and my bag of water had been bulging for the past 6 hours or so. Apparently my bag of water was pretty strong because Kim said usually when its that bulging she can break it with just a prick of her finger but that didn’t work so she broke it using the hook. The sensation of my water breaking was crazy feeling and totally not what I was thinking it would feel like (earlier around 8:30 or so when I was in the tub I thought my water had broken or that I was having a slow leak—I now know that I would definitely be able to tell if my water had broken).

At 11:56 Kim checked me again and within 4 minutes I had gone from 7cm to 10cm and complete!! It was time to start pushing! At this point Nicholas had a few decelerations and things were moving pretty quickly—they put the oxygen mask on me to just help get even more oxygen to Nicholas (he was still doing pretty well but they weren’t sure how the next part of my delivery would go so they wanted to give me O2 just in case). I started pushing at 12:02—During all of this the epidural still hadn’t kicked in! My toes were a little tingly but I was still able to move my legs, reposition myself, etc. I was holding my legs with Kate holding one foot and Donnie holding the other with Devon up by my head. Kim said I could push whenever I felt the urge to which was basically immediately. I started pushing with Kate calmly counting for me (she is so good at her job and I totally want her to be my nurse for every delivery in the future!!) Pushing felt completely natural and I was so excited and ready to meet Nicholas that I just wanted to push and push until he came but Kim wanted me to slow down a little bit. She wanted me to use the momentum of each contraction—what she didn’t realize (since the monitors had never really showed my contractions very well) was that I was constantly contracting at this point with no break in between so I just kept pushing. To be sure Kate checked my abdomen and sure enough I was contracting a lot! With every push Kate, Donnie, Devon and Kim were all watching what was going on—they all were really encouraging and got really excited with each push (“you are pushing so well! Keep doing that!” there eyes all got wide each time I pushed and I was sure he was almost out!) At this point Kim asked me if I wanted to feel my baby so I reached down and touched the top of his head! I am SO glad I did this—it is such a surreal feeling to touch your baby while he is still inside of you! Kim finally told me that he was basically out and to push more controlled and less quickly and I felt Nicholas come out—they put him on my belly (he had a really short umbilical cord only about 12 inches long) He was so tiny and warm and covered in vernix. At this point Donnie cut the cord quickly and they rushed him over to the isolette where there was a team waiting—up until this point the doctors had expected at least a month long stay in the NICU for him if not longer—only weeks before I had a consultation with the NICU dr’s who were talking survival rates with me depending on his size. Nicholas was so small and I kept waiting to hear that he was okay. I was so thankful he was born and I just couldn’t stop saying “Thank you God!” over and over—I told Donnie to go over to Nicholas and at this point I realized that nobody’s voices sounded rushed, nervous, etc. Everyone sounded positive, happy, and surprised! At this point they brought Nicholas over to me—I was shocked—my baby wasn’t being rushed to the NICU, he didn’t have tubes in him already, my child was being handed to me for the first time! I just remember sobbing and holding him and not wanting to let go—I was sure that he would have needed more medical attention but he didn’t and he was wrapped up in my arms! I held him for a few minutes then they took him back to recheck his temps, make sure his vitals were okay, etc. He scored an 8 and a 9 on his APGARS and was perfectly healthy!

I watched the surprised nurses work on him and monitor him as I delivered the afterbirth and while Kim gave me the 1 stitch I ended up needing. I came to realize that everyone’s eyes were wide while I was pushing because with each push he wasn’t just “crowning” but his whole head was pretty much coming out! Kate said with each push they thought that it would be the one to deliver him—I only pushed 7 times and Nicholas was born! I have never known what true relief felt like until I held my perfectly health 3lb 6.9oz baby—he is a complete miracle! Doctors still cant explain and have no reasoning behind how and why he is so small but healthy—the reasoning behind it is prayer! I 100% belief that Nicholas is a miracle and that my merciful and miraculous God chose to use Nicholas as a reminder of his power and might! Nicholas is a daily reminder to me of what the Lord is capable of, a reminder of the power of prayer and a reminder that God is so good and faithful! I couldn’t have asked for a better birth experience and I was so blessed! Donnie was amazing as a birth support, Devon was spectacular as a birth coach (I couldn’t have done it without her—Donnie was there to encourage and help and Devon was there to keep my going she was amazing!) Kate was the best L&D nurse ever, I truly can see that the Lord had a special purpose in making Katie a L&D nurse she was such a loving support and my midwife was calm, respectful and caring! I felt 100% supported and loved through the entire experience and Nicholas is basically the best thing ever!

1 month update

I am going to attempt to write a blog post and actually finish it—see in the month since my last post I have sat down and attempted numerous times to update about Nicholas, each time it ends in a crying baby or me being side tracked by something more important I should be doing (i.e. laundry, dishes, etc.)

So now as I sit here with my little one snuggled up in the moby *fast asleep* (please don’t jinx myself! Please don’t jinx myself!) I am going to update on my first month as a mom (and eventually I would like to post my birth story but seeing as I started typing it out for my own records and it was roughly 4 pages long I *may* need to write a condensed version for on here—plus I doubt you all want the details anyway)

Birth stats:
3lbs 6oz, 15.5 inches long

1 month stats:
4lbs 9oz, 17.5 inches long—he is still not on the charts (with the exception of his head circumference which was in the 2nd percentile haha) but I love love love my little peanut- I feel like he is becoming more “baby” and less “newborn” everyday. Things have been relatively easy I would say. The first two weeks were kinda rough mainly because of feeding issues. Nicholas doesn’t have any issues eating but its more trying to find the best way for him to get food. With him being as small as he is nursing was originally out of the question—we attempted (even with a shield) and got nowhere (which I expected). I rented a hospital grade pump and was pumping and bottle feeding every 2-3 hours which basically made me want to die haha I hated pumping and after being in a hospital room for 2 months and feeling trapped there I very much felt trapped/tethered by my pump…I felt like it was making things impossible for me and I felt very just…bleh I don’t know how to explain it but I am sure any other mom who has had to exclusively pump can relate to those feelings that occur in the first few weeks. So in the first 2 weeks he was home it was more an issue of me crying every night when I had to wake up and pump and bottle feed—I have been so blessed though to have a completely supportive and encouraging husband! He would wake up in the middle of the nights to give Nicholas a bottle while I pumped or he would go get my pump parts ready so I didn’t have to get out of bed—he is basically amazing!

But after those initial 2 weeks I became sort of resigned to my position of milk-machine but I was still hopeful to be able to get away from the pumping and transition to nursing—so I met w/ a lactation consultant, we tried a variety of things such as supplemental nursing systems (SNS), modifying my pumping schedule and I even tried nursing! He is able to nurse but because of his size he gets tuckered out pretty quickly and wont get a full feeding and when he does get a full feeding it uses so much energy that it kind of eliminates half the calories he just consumed (and at less than 5 lbs he needs all the calories he can get!) So the past 5 and a half weeks have been spent w/ me trying different feeding techniques which include: pumping and bottle feeding every 2-3hours, SNS and bottle feeding, SNS and feeding, combo bottle feeding and nursing, exclusively nursing on-demand and weighing him throughout each nursing session to watch his intake, exclusively nursing on-demand w/ no weighing—the first time I attempted this I got 2 days in and ended up w/ plugged ducts and mastitis which definitely knocked me on my butt for a good 4-5 days but I got to experience what its like to be sick while having to still care for a baby and through God’s good grace I got through it and it wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be.

Other than the ridiculous amount of time I’ve spent stressing over how to get my milk to my baby, I’ve really enjoyed being a mommy. I love the bond I already have with Nicholas and nothing beats the feeling of being able to just lie in bed and snuggle with a sweet smelling newborn! Nicholas is a very good natured baby and is in general pretty content—he has been a great sleeper too! After the first 2 weeks he started sleeping in 4 hour stretches and now he will give us a 6 hour stretch a couple of times a week! He is becoming a lot more alert and really enjoys bath time, walks in the neighborhood, dancing around the house w/ mommy (in the moby of course) and co-sleeping in the morning w/ mommy after daddy has left for work (shh! Don’t tell Donnie about our little ritual after he leaves—it involves sleeping in bed together and then watching Regis and Kelly haha)

So my sweet little boys first month has come and gone and I am so sad that it went by fast but I am thoroughly enjoying him changing everyday—God has blessed our family so much, every time I feel frustrated I just stop myself and look at him…I mean really look at him and I’m reminded of how much of a true miracle he is—I am reminded of the faithfulness of God, of God’s sovereignty, of God’s grace and mercy and I am astounded still to think that this sweet baby boy was just a single cell 10 months ago—its amazing! And as always God is just SO GOOD!

such an amazing God

So I have been needing to update since Nicholas was born but I've been busy to say the least haha even now I am still in so much shock and happiness and just overwhelmed with how things have ended up that I dont know if I am even quite ready to write about my experience

But I do want to say that I have been more blessed by my pregnancy experience and labor/delivery experience than I ever thought possible--I have come to know God on such a more intimate level through all this, when I look in my baby's eyes I see the sheer strength of my God--He created this life, He sustained me, He grew Nicholas and He held us in his hand through it all

Nicholas was born at 3lbs 6.9 oz., 15.5 inches long on Wed March 3 at 12:13am--my induction began on March 1st at 9:30pm (I am working on my birth story but am still a little too emotional to get it finished lol) Nicholas scored an amazing 8 and 9 on his APGARS and came out of the womb able to regulate his own temperature, breathe on his own, cry, etc. He was 100% healthy and amazing--despite his incredibly small size he is making such incredible strides!

God has truly done a miracle in my sons life!

I will update with more details, pictures, etc. once I finally am out of my emotional, foggy-mommy brain...and yes, I know that this foggy-mommy brain can last quite some time but I promise details ARE coming

back to the beginning

I started off doing these surveys weekly but stopped when things started to get tough and I ended up in here so I figured I needed to do at least one more for my memory's sake :-)

How far along: 36 weeks 5 days pregnant


Total weight gain: I have officially reached my pre-pregnancy weight! I am actually 1lb over!! In the last 5 weeks I gained 7 lbs!! That is huge for me--but its great because LB has grown too and I can definitely see a change in my belly size


Maternity clothes: Yup, still rockin the maternity shirts--Im glad all the maternity shirts were so casual and comfy--but since my belly has decided (in the last 2 weeks) get bigger I've found that all my shirts are getting too short even w/ my small belly! Good to know for next time if I have a normal sized belly and go 40 weeks these shirts wont make it! Luckily for this time around I only need them to last me another 2 days!


Sleep: The ambien works like a charm... I am turning from side to side because my hips get sore and there isnt much matress padding but I am sleeping moderately well and I have been taking some pain meds to help w/ my back which really help my sleep be more restful which is whats important--it doesnt matter if you can sleep 12 hours if they arent 12 hours of restful sleep--but I'm doing okay now

Best moment this week: It was great to go home on a 4 hour pass to finish up the odds and ends on the nursery--my "nesting" desire has been fulfilled, and I really enjoyed small group this week- We are going over the gospel of John and Ive read it numerous times but its just so fresh and new this time--everyone has such great perspective and ideas, I am learning alot and feel like our small group has a great cohesion


Food cravings: Surprisingly I havent had any real cravings lately--oh wait I take that back--I crave chili cheese burritos from Taco Bell (chilito anyone?) Yes gross I know but they taste so good and reheat so easily mmmm that and turkey lunchmeat sandwiches which are a staple of the pregnancy diet


Labor signs: I have much more frequent braxton hicks contractions that are getting stronger, I can definitely feel my uterus clenching up and slowly relaxing and Ive had some contractions (that are a min- a min and a half) that I dont feel but they show up on the monitor--right now I have what they call an "irritable" uterus--means you have some contractions but not consistently and they arent strong contractions


Belly Button: still an innie and will always be an innie I think--but I feel like it shows through every shirt I wear now


What I miss the most: being able to leave--I miss just mundane regular life, sleeping in bed w/ my husband, cooking in my kitchen, being able to clean my own house, organize the baby's room, etc. What we consider regular/normal life now will never be that again--as of Tues. March 2nd our normal will be radically changed. (or maybe March 3rd...or 4th heaven forbid!!)


What am I looking forward to the most: meeting my child--I cant wait to just look in his eyes and know him and feel attached to him and be able to comfort him and learn him (what he likes/dislikes, his personality, his facial expressions, his cries). I cant wait to snuggle him, feed him, change his little diapered hiney, I just want him to be here! I am so excited to be a family of 3!!!

Milestones: As of this upcoming tues. I will officially be considered full-term-- I didnt think I would make it here but praise God I did! I have all of LB's stuff packed in his diaper bag, carseat is being installed in the car tomorrow, I have my labor and delivery stuff prepared--we are GOOD TO GO!

It hasnt hit me yet about what is about to happen to our family--but I will write more about that probably tomorrow and monday. The plan for the time being is that Judy and Pam will be recieving any and all updates and they will be passing the info on to other siblings, family members, friends, etc. We dont really think we need visitors because it is going to be a long process so Donnie and I have decided that we will just keep you updated about what the medical plan is (i.e.- they put the cervadil in, now theyre starting pitocin, now shes having contractions and active labor has begun, etc. ) well my ambien is kicking in hard core so before I sound like a babbling idiot I will stop blogging for tonight

edit to previous post

In reading back over my previous post I wanted to clarify when I say I'm not 100% sure I will be coming home w/ a baby I mean I dont know how long or if he will be in NICU after delivery--I know he will be okay just might need a little help in the beginning! Or he will be a little fighter and be able to come home when I am discharged (ahhh discharge day--how glorious!)

pictures galore

So I wanted to do a quick update and mainly post a bunch of pictures :-) Since I wrote last I have been able to go home 3 times for 4 hours at a time--realistically it ends up being 3 hours because we spend roughly an hour getting me from my hospital room to home and back again but I enjoy it nonetheless! I have been in full out "nesting" mode and it has been killing me that I cant really do much to prepare (and for anyone that knows me I thrive in organization and planning) So its definitely been a struggle and knowing that LB will be here SO SOON (less than a week!!!!!) it has really hit me...as I was leaving our house after my pass yesterday it occured to me...the next time I go home, I wont be pregnant anymore. I would LOVE to be able to say that the next time I go home, I will have a baby but at this point I'm not 100% sure how accurate that would be (but I am pretty darn hopeful!)

Speaking of bringing LB home (sidenote: isnt it going to be so weird once he has a real name? haha I'm thinking LB might stick around longer than we realized) I have picked his "coming home outfits"--Since we dont know what size he will be I have a variety of "sizes" picked. As you can see in the pic below I have x-small, small, medium and large--The middle two outfits only differ in size a tiny bit but the ridiculous thing is--these are all marked as "preemie" size!! You can now see my sizing woes in trying to organize--surely if the far left is a true preemie size the far right cant be too?

And I really didnt feel like the pictures did these outfits justice in how tiny they outfits really are--so for a size comparison this is the "x-small" outfit as compared to my hand--uhm yes! it is that tiny and precious!


Some other fun things that have been going on--Kelly, my amazing sister-in-law came and took some beautiful maternity pictures for me..We had talked about her doing some earlier in my pregnancy but we wanted to wait until my belly got bigger--wellll that didnt happen then I ended up in the hospital. So on the 15th Kelly came to the hospital, we hung black sheet and she took these awesome pics for me! If you remember they originally "thought" (cough..liars..cough) I was going to be induced on the 16th so we figured these would be my last belly pics ever--not so much since here I am 10 days later lol But Kel is an amazing photographer and I will definitely cherish these pics because even though this pregnancy has been "hard" I havent hated being pregnant--I have loved getting a belly, feeling him move, watching things change as he grew--so looking at these makes me feel happy and positive about pregnancy :-)

On my passes home I have attempted to "nest" to the best of my bedresting abilities lol This basically means I spent alot of time sitting in the recliner in the nursery watching Donnie do things, or sitting on our guest bed sorting through baby shower presents (which we have been SO incredibly blessed in recieving everything we could possibly need--We have the best friends and family! thank you all so much!!!) And let me tell you--sorting baby clothes isnt fun...especially when the sizing can be dramatically different depending on the brand. Either way we got the majority of the nursery put together! (thanks in help to Pat who has so lovingly run errands for Donnie and I so we could use my time home to get the most done!) These are some pics of the nursery so far (please ignore any random trash, pieces of wood or missing drawers haha these will eventually be gone before LB comes home...I hope)

This is the changing table/dresser combo, the changing pad will go in front of the cloth wall hanging (which is actually part of the crib bumper)

With the help of a good friend, we turned the crib bumper into matching window valences (we chose not to use the bumpers in the crib because of some safety issues--and I think they are much cuter as valences)

This is my favorite corner of the room haha I cant wait to sit in the recliner w/ LB and read to him--ahh the mushy sentimental pregnancy side of me is coming out--but seriously I have all my stories lined up & ready to go :-)

This is his crib--and yes we will raise it to be at the appropriate level (not that he will be sleeping in here anytime soon)

And this is what you see when you look in the door--we are still waiting on 1 piece of furniture to come in--we ordered a natural wood toy chest to go under one of the windows for storage but other than that its mostly finished!

There are more pics of the nursery posted on my facebook page as well--so now for the fun part...since we roughly "know" when LB will be here I thought it would be fun to make some guesses on specifics, so knowing that they will begin my induction at 9pm on Monday March 1st (this can be a short or very long process) let me know:

1. What date he will be born on?

2. What time?

3. How much will he weigh?

4. How long will he be?

maybe there will be a special prize for whoever is closest?? (wink wink) sidenote: there will probably be no prize :-/ haha I will keep you all updated with how things go and who knows--maybe my next post will be pictures galore of LB!!