put off complaining put on thankfulness

So, I've been feeling convicted lately and this Sunday's service (though it wasnt much preaching) really made me think about some things, specifically how I have been a trophy of grace throughout my pregnancy and hyperemesis experience. And to put it simply, I have NOT been a very good example. While I havent done much outward complaining (though others may disagree) I have had a heart full of complaining and self-pity and frustration with God that I had no right to have.

When Brad talked today about how our biggest problem (our sin problem) has already been taken care of and everything else is just life essentially I realized that I had been forgetting that God is completely just in letting me and having me go through this difficult time. Furthermore He would be completely justified to let it continue throughout the entire pregnancy, or even worsen. Instead of being thankful that God is giving me grace upon grace to deal with it everyday all I am thinking about is how its not fair that I have to go through this. It's not fair that I dont get to have joy in my pregnancy because I am so sick, I dont get to think back fondly to my first pregnancy with happiness, I dont get to feel all lovey dovey towards the baby inside of me because I am just too sick. Well, honestly, that is such crap.

I have missed out on the joy that has been there all along!! God has blessed me with a healthy baby this far, a truly healthy baby! The simple fact that I am able and was easily able to concieve a baby is a true miracle in itself. There are thousands of women who pray daily to just be able to concieve and here I am throwing that miracle to the wayside because I am uncomfortable. I yet again am face to face with an idol and I am choosing to focus on the idol and not the amazing God I have. Only this time, my idol creeped up on in me in the concept of an ideal pregnancy.

Ideal....what does that even mean? Shouldnt a healthy baby quantify as ideal? I am truly disgusted with myself at how easily I let myself slip back into the "woe is me" game. Honestly, I am not a "trooper" I am not "just getting by"...I am saved! My biggest problem is taken care of, I have a healthy baby, a great marriage, an awesome home and food on the table (even though I may not be able to enjoy that food just yet...its still there). What do I really have to be complaining about?! I went back to a book I really enjoy to regain a little insight, "Lord, Change My Attitude...Before It's Too Late" by James MacDonald, and man I forgot how great this book is and how much truth it has in it...here is a little taste of his blunt writing that helped give me a little kick in the butt to get back on track...

Complaining is an attitude choice that if left unchecked will wither my capacity to experience joy and genuine thankfulness…complaining questions God’s sovereignty! To complain is to say in effect; “God, You blew it! You had a chance to meet my expectations, but You couldn’t handle it! Nice try, God- close but not close enough”. Complaining about adversity- that’s the worst kind of complaining there is. “Why do I have to go through that? Why must I endure all this hassle when life goes so smoothly for them? I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired: when will all this end?” “My trial….my hardship….my lot in life…my misfortune” All this nauseating noise rises to the very ears of God. Every one of us has a measure of adversity, and God Himself is the one who measured it out. And for that reason, every person has something in his or her life that God doesn’t want to hear complaints about. All the grace and strength you need to experience joy and victory is available to you, but by choosing to complain, by clinging to the idol of a perfect life (pregnancy)…YOU ARE FLUSHING AWAY THE GRACE OF GOD.

So TRUE! So from now on, Im asking whoever reads this blog, to help hold me accountable...Help me to see when I am being a pitiful trophy of grace. Help me remember that what I am going through is just a tiny little taste of the suffering Christ endured for ME!! For complaining, sinning, ungrateful, me. God is just so good!