boring

I never feel like I have much to blog about. Actually, I have things I could blog about but I figure it will be too boring to read- unless you are like my parents or siblings that might be interested in the mundane things I do with Nicholas. I dont want to become one of those people who blog everytime their baby has a dirty diaper or giggles haha I know those things are probably only interesting to me--but nonetheless I am blogging today in hopes I will be inspired about something.

So I guess I will just update about what is going on with Nicholas until I am inspired--hey its easier to update here than to tell all my close family and friends individually. Nicholas has an evaluation with First Steps (Ky's early intervention program) coming up to see if he is eligible/needs any services. He is doing awesome with gross motor which is usually an issue with RSS kids but his communication and problem solving might be needing a little help. He has his first appointment with Gastro (who I feel like are the ONLY people we havent seen at Children's lol) Hopefully this will go smoothly and we will get some answers about his reflux (which seems to be rearing its ugly head again, just in time for our insurance to stop covering his current reflux medicine...awesome, not!) He also may have some delayed gastric emptying issues but that will be determined I guess.

Nicholas also had his appointment with urology and we found out that he will have to have surgery--orchiopexy. This surgery probably wont be a big deal, I mean its only a 2 hour long procedure and we will be in and out in the same day but I am really struggling with my anxiety about this. I guess any mom can relate to the fears about their child having any procedure done I am just terrified that something will go wrong, you always hear those stories about a child that goes in for a routine procedure and than something horrible happens. I guess the worry may stem from the feeling that I am ALWAYS (actually let me rephrase...often...always is such a God word) "that person". If something has a 2% chance of happening you can bet that it will happen to me...my hyperemesis, my IUGR, my experiences with going in to have my wisdom teeth removed and ending up needing an emergency appendectomy (long story for another post...it was ridiculous to say the least). I just have bad luck, but as I Christian I feel like bad luck isnt something I should even believe or say or whatever

Luck doesnt really have a place in Christianity, does it? I mean I suppose this is just another situation that God is going to use to teach me about His sovereignty---my "luck" is a moot point, I have no luck--I have a strong and powerful God that controls my life and my experiences. I guess its just hard because I feel like as I've struggled with anxiety and worry over the years I have accumulated many verses but I feel like those verses are just laying flat to me (which is embarassing for me to even admit, that the Word of God is laying flat) I dont know if its because I have studied them so much that I am losing the "awe factor" if you can call it that. I dont think that should ever happen--I should always be in awe of how good and faithful God is, I should be in awe of His wonderful sovereignty and I should easily be reminded that I can put my faith in Him no matter the circumstance. I wonder if maybe just breaking apart the verses may help, word by word, examining why the verses are worded and placed where they are?

I know worry is something I (and many others, if not everyone) will struggle w/ their entire lives--how can you not, even if your worry is just in an initial instance its still there. Now--I know that this is something I really need to chat with God about, my feeling stagnant in His word. I know its my own fault, and I am sure I will learn something from these feelings but right now it is making me uncomfortable. Perhaps being uncomfortable is a good thing, I should probably be more concerned if I was comfortable in my static position. So, I dont know where I am going with this anymore? (my brain is frazzled lately, I swear as soon as you walk in Children's Hospital there is something that scrambles a mothers brain and makes her incapable of having full thoughts haha)

Other than the surgery Nicky is doing well--I am adjusting to dealing with rude comments from strangers about his size as some of you might have seen on Facebook. Yes people are that ridiculous and dense...apparently some individuals are born with no social filter. A good friend recommended I use those comments as an opportunity to witness to those people..."Yes he is small, he is my miracle baby, let me tell you about the awesome work God has done in our lives" I guess I'm just not holy enough for that, or I am too cynical as I think of a bunch of not so Christian things I could say instead of thinking how can I turn this into an opportunity to witness. Guess that will be something else I can work on...

Long, LONG story short--I have alot of things I should be working on right now, and I think I am...so if I dont post for a while it will probably be because I am so busy working on these things ;-) but really...just add it to my mental to do list of things to work on which I think is the plight of being a stay at home mom though I wouldnt have it any other way.

how he loves us

So here we are at the end of little buddy's 5 month of life and I am astonished. I cant believe he is almost half a year old! 6 months old seems so old (and seasoned mamas reading this can chuckle to themselves at my new mom silliness)! I think Nicholas has turned that corner of being a little person now, no longer the little baby, he has such personality now! In the last month or so he has: learned to roll from both belly to back and back to belly, can stand unassisted when holding onto the criss-crossing bars on his playmat, has started to show a little attitude already (complete with a lovely lip snarl), has discovered the full dexterity of his fingers and hands and he is overall just a loving sweet natured peanut!

I want to keep track of his month stats but I am trying to just avoid thinking about his growth as much as possible--you know just avoiding inevitable things is healthy ;-) But I do know that he was roughly 9lbs 14.5oz at his plagiocephaly appointment. (Which sidenote: Donnie weighed 9lbs 15oz AT BIRTH...Poor, poor Pammy :-) That is just ridiculous! ) As far as health things go I am starting to adjust to having weekly if not sometimes bi-weekly dr's appointments. Hopefully after Sept things will let up a little bit and we can go to monthly visits.

When it comes to his health stuff I just know that God is using Nicholas in more ways than one. First--I post on a few private listservs for Russell Silver Syndrome moms to get advice, support, etc. I posted some about Nicholas just to see what other experiences were like and I got *numerous* replies from the other moms that they've never heard of an RSS child who is doing as well as Nicky--Most said their kiddos didnt reach 10lbs until age 1, most were on feeding tubes by 5 months, many had had numerous surgeries. Even the different specialists we've seen at Children's have been shocked at his good health considering his health condition. Yet again, Nicky stumps doctors and people with how awesome he is doing! God is just so good, and not because Nicky is doing well (God would still be good even if things were much worse) but because He is using Nicholas in such a unique way. He is showing His awesome power through my son and I love that!

Lately I've been really thinking about God's love for us and how much I am learning about this through my experiences as a mother. Basically I cry everytime I think about it...which is basically every time I am driving and listening to the radio. So if you happen to drive by me and I have tears streaming down my face its probably for a good reason. This song is really getting to me lately:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TCunuL58odQ

"And we are His portion and He is our prize, Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes, If His grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking."

I cant get over how much I love Nicholas and it makes me think about how much *my* parents love me, how even though when I was a teenager and out of control I would scream and yell convinced that my parents didnt care about me because of xyz (which xyz was always for my own good). How could I have ever thought that?! And even more so, how did I ever think that God didnt care about me?! Oh, How He Loves Us! I've gone through some pretty horrible experiences that led me to believe that in this fallen world there is no God who lovingly let those things happen to me. How wrong could I have been?! He was there the whole time, has been there everytime since. Okay I am rambling and this doesnt make any sense...but nonetheless...I am learning so much everyday about my God and His love and how my earthly love for Nicholas is only a fraction of His love for me. I am so thankful to be having these experiences that teach me more about who God is.

As the months go on, and Nicholas gets older I am loving seeing life through his eyes (which is so cheesetastic that I cant believe I just said it!...I am one of those moms hehe) I cant wait to see what 6 months has in store for us! I am sure it will be a fantastic month and I am sure that I will be so sad to see it go...I remember 6 weeks just like it was yesterday....