The Real Reality

Maggie Jo's Birth Story :-)

2012-01-07T11:35:00.002-05:00

I havent blogged since Aug. and I can think of no better way to re-enter the blogging world than with a birth story. I don't know about you-- but I LOVE reading birth stories so hopefully you wont mind that this is really long :-) I wrote out part of this the night she was born so I wouldnt forget the details so please ignore my "tenses" if they dont make sense haha

Margaret Joanna made her entrance November 28th at 9:21pm-- 7lbs 1.4oz and 20 inches long :-) We are completely in love already and I am so thankful for such an amazing blessing!

I started having contractions Saturday night/Sunday(11/27) morning at 3am. They werent super painful but were fairly consistent and I had constant lower back cramping. I went about my normal business (cleaned the house, took a shower, went to church) and all the while the contractions continued so I started to think it was the beginnings of labor not just the false labor I had been having for weeks prior. I called my sister Devon who was my doula (she was my doula for Nicholas too and is finishing up her DONA certification-- shes the best!) since she lives 3 hours away and told her what was going on and she decided it would be worth it for her to go ahead and start coming my direction. She got into town around lunch time and the contractions continued but still werent painful or anything, just uncomfortable.

My sister and I decided to try and go to a few stores and walk around to see if that helped pick things up (which it did as long as I was walking....once I stopped power walking the contractions slowed down again). We got dinner then came home and I called my sister in law, Kate, who is a L&D nurse and asked her to come over and check me to see if that would help get things going. She came over and checked and said I was 3cm, 70% and a -1 station (I had progressed slightly since my last appt where I was a stretchy 2, almost 3 and 50%). Once I was checked contractions got harder and more uncomfortable and were consistent but again after a few hours they petered out and werent doing much. At that point I decided to try and use my pump for a few minutes to see if that would increase the contractions-- same results. It seemed like I could get the contractions going pretty well by doing different tricks but once I stopped they contractions became more mild and less frequent.

At this point I was really exhausted and frustrated because I hadnt slept in 24 hours, I was mentally frustrated assuming that this was going to be days of false, on again off again labor so at 2am on Sunday night/Monday morning I decided to take an ambien to try and get some sleep. I slept for about 4 hours and was woken up to painful contractions.

All day Monday (11/28) was the on again off again labor but with more painful contractions than what I had experienced before. Kate was working L&D and I was hoping I could come in during her shift (she had planned on trading with other people but obviously it would be easiest if I went into labor during her shift). My sister/doula also had to go back home on tues. morning so I was REALLY hoping that today would be the day so I didnt have to worry about my doula not being here in time. The weather was really rainy and cold out so my sister and I decided to go up to my parents house in Glendale and go walk around Tri-County mall. Before going up my sister recommended calling my midwives to see if they would strip my membranes again before doing the power walking. I called and they said to come on in so we went to the Midwives office and they checked me again and I was still only like a 3, almost 4, and basically hadnt changed much since the night before. My midwife, Cindy, said to go ahead and keep my appt for that Thurs. (was SO frustrated, and really hoping she would have come before then) and said to keep them updated if contractions got harder.

So my sister and I drove up to our parents house to have my mom and dad watch DS and we went and walked the mall again and the contractions were getting harder but they petered out once I got home. At this point I mentally lost it-- was frustrated and feeling like real labor would NEVER happen. My sister and Donnie were both trying to reason with me-- I had 2 options: keep doing things to make my body contract in hopes that labor would kick start or try and sleep/relax and see if the contractions stop and give my body some rest. I basically was pissed and didnt want to do either--I didnt want to keep walking, etc. because I was tired and it wasnt working but I also didnt want to try and rest b/c I didnt want to slow the little progress I was having. I was crying and whiney and generally annoyed and frustrated. Thankfully Donnie took initiative and when I called him crying at work he insisted I get in the tub to try and relax and recooperate my thoughts-- I was hesitant too because I was afraid it would get rid of what little labor was still going on and I really wanted to "get the show on the road". I talked with Devon while I was in the tub and she recommended that I plan on hanging out with friends that night-- she didnt think it would be productive for me to have another night of sitting at home, timing contractions and getting frustrated so I called Megan Gautraud and planned to come over to their house and have a glass of wine and try and get my mind off things. With a plan for the evening in mind and laying in the tub I was able to relax quite a bit. The tub reallyrelaxed me-- helped me gain some peace and calm and got my head back in the game. While in the tub my contractions completely stopped, I slept for about 20 mins (very safe haha) and I was pretty sure my labor stopped. When I stood up to get out of the tub though(around 4pm) I had a super painful contraction.

After being in the tub I had markedly more painful contractions but they were still pretty spaced out and not worth timing. I still planned on going to Gautraud's house that evening and I was convinced the painful contractions were still just prodromal labor since they were spaced out. Since we were at my parents house my dad said he could keep Nicholas overnight there so I could have an evening to myself and I wouldnt have concerns about someone watching Nicholas to keep me worried. We ate dinner around 5:30 and my sister and I decided to head back to my house at 6pm.

At this point the super painful contractions started to seem more consistent but I was convinced labor was never going to happen so I didnt think much of it. On the 40 min drive home I decided to time the contractions and they were about 5-6 mins apart, almost 2 minutes long. But I was still talking and laughing in between them so I thought I had a while to go. Once we got home I debated if Donnie and I should try and go out still and Donnie went ahead and got in the shower to clean up after work while I decided. While he was in the shower the contractions got SUPER hard and a lot closer together...I was crawling around my house on all 4's to work through them and my sister thought it was probably time to head to the hospital and I agreed.

The car ride to the hospital was TERRIBLE the contractions were right on top of each other and I didnt know it at the time but I was going through transition. I can remember praying that God would give me strength and I had some serious self-doubt that I would be able to do this. I also remember Donnie driving past the hospital (to go to a different entrance) and I looked up and basically cried "There's the hospital-- why are you not going there?!" haha While in the car the midwives called me back (I called them when I left our house to let them know I was on my way) and when I talked with Nancy I guess she could tell I was in serious labor so she said she would direct admit me so I didnt have to wait in triage (HUGE blessing!)

When we got to the hospital Donnie dropped me off at the entrance to go park and I had to get down on all 4's in the lobby of the hospital to work through the contractions. I was having self-doubt, moaning, and really working hard. Pretty sure I scared the few people in the lobby haha I had a tough time making it up to the L&D floor-- I had a long contraction in the elevator going up, dropped down on my hands and knees and refused to get out of the elevator. Devon was like you HAVE to move regardless of the contractions so I finally got up to L&D and they skipped triage for me since I was clearly in hard labor.

I got back to my delivery room at 8pm. It was very strange because after about 10 mins of being in my room the contractions became much more managable. My midwife checked me and I was 7cm, 100% and +1. Things were obviously going fast-- I labored and was handling the contractions really well. They were about 3-4 mins apart and about 1.5 mins long and while I worked hard and was in a lot of pain during each contraction I was laughing and joking and able to rest in between each one. I started having a lot of pressure about 30 mins after being checked and was checked again and was 9cm. At this point my midwife told me to just listen to my body, do what I needed to do and follow its cues as far as what position to be in, when to start pushing, etc.

I used the squatting bar, got on all 4's in bed, laid on my side, laid flat and was moving a lot between contractions to try and find a position that worked. I was bearing down and pushing really hard with each contraction and was starting to feel scared because I was feeling physically tired and was worried that pushing could be a long process. I probably "pushed" from about 9pm until she was born at 9:21pm. It wasnt at all the traditional pushing experience I had with Nicholas it was much more organic (cliche I know) and me just listening to my body. Around 9 or so more family/friends came (Pam, my mother in law, Kelly & Kara my 2 sister in laws and Megan my best friend). I remember them coming in the room but I was pretty in the zone at that point and was pushing with each contraction but still pretty calm. I finally found a comfortable position laying on my left side and had 1 really hard push and my water made a huge pop and leaked everywhere and then things got going really fast.

After my water broke I remember Kate looking down and then quickly calling my midwife Nancy back in the room. At this point I reached down and felt Maggies head and realized it was really time! I couldnt stop pushing and my midwife had me open my legs more and turn onto my back and 3 minutes after my water broke Maggie was born! It was crazy and intense and fast and amazing all at the same time! My midwife literally almost didnt have time to get a glove on since it was only minutes from the time my water broke to her being completely out. I didnt tear at all and we waited till the cord stopped pulsing before Donnie cut it. She latched on right away and I was able to get 1 entire hour of skin to skin before she was weighed or touched at all by anyone but me :-) It literally was perfect! Another bonus of things going so quickly was they didnt make me get the required IV/Heplock which after having so many IV's in my life I was INCREDIBLY thankful for!

While early labor was not fun and mentally frustrating my hospital experience was perfect and I wouldnt change a single thing. I am so blessed to have so many wonderful support people in my life to help and encourage me-- I love having the women I love the most be there for the birth of my first daughter-- I know it is an experience I will never forget :-) Recovery after Maggie has been really easy, nursing did not go well at all so after about 3.5 weeks (and Nicholas getting hand foot and mouth and me getting mastitis) we decided that transitioning to formula was our best bet. Nicholas is absolutely in love with his little sister (is constantly wanting to kiss her and yelling "Hi baby!") He is such a good little helper boy-- helps hold the bottle while feeding Maggie Jo, brings me her diapers/wipes, blankeys, etc.

So now I am sitting here, looking down at the sweet (almost 6 week old!) baby sleeping on my chest and I am just overwhelmed by how blessed I am-- God's amazing and never-ending grace and mercy has been so apparent as our family has transitioned from 3 to 4. I could go on and on about how thankful and happy I am but I'll keep those thoughts for my prayer journal haha Nevertheless-- this is the story of how sweet Maggie Jo made her entrance into this crazy world :-)

MAGIC Convention 2011 Part 1 (LONG!)

2011-08-03T14:46:00.004-04:00

Since I have no car at the current moment (in the shop...again) and no stroller (in said car trunk...in the shop) and its rainy outside I thought I would be ambitious and post 2 days in a row! So much was learned and happened at the MAGIC Convention that I thought it deserved its own post. The convention was in Lombard, IL which is just outside Chicago and it was really nice (aside from some billing issues we have had after the fact the hotel was really nice).

This was our first year attending the convention and I had somewhat mixed feelings about it. When we originally decided to go (back in like January) I was really excited to learn more and get to know other RSS families and meet some of the women I've been "talking" with online in real life. There is a private facebook RSS support page that I go to sometimes and there are some familiar faces who have given me advice and encouragement since Nicholas recieved his diagnosis. But as time went on my excitement turned to feeling nervous/not wanting to go as much. I had heard from a few other families who had gone in the past that it was helpful but not as helpful as you would think, that it was clique-y with the other RSS families and that there was a lot of negativity. I am not in a place where I want negativity and I had no desire to spend a bunch of money to go listen to everyone complain and have "woe is me" attitudes.

The nervousness came from a pre-scheduled consultation that I signed Nicholas up for. There is a nation-wide known endocrinologist that works with RSS kids and has been a leader in research and treatment of RSS kids for the past 25 years. Basically she is the best of the best and is the dr. you want to see if your kid has RSS. She treats out of Mt.Sinai in New York and many, MANY families have her as their child's treating endocrinologist and fly from all over the country multiple times a year to have their child be seen by her. She was going to be presenting at the conference and giving free consultations. I signed up, which was a no brainer, but then got worried that after seeing Nicholas we would find out that we had dropped the ball on his treatment or find out that he needed a g-tube or something and it would leave me feeling terrible and sad for an entire weekend. Again, not something I wanted to do, plus this dr. (Dr.H) is not exactly known for her bedside manner but she is the best when it comes to RSS so we had our consultation on the books.

Thurs. night we checked into the hotel and had a free consultation with a pediatric dentist since a lot of kids have some mouth issues/palate issues and over crowding and jaw issues that require braces and all sorts of other things. I just wanted him to look at Nick's teeth and tell us if we should be doing anything other than brushing at this point. Nick's teeth are great and coming in nicely and we should start seeing a dentist at age 2 and we should make sure to pick a dentist who has a speciality in pediatrics. Easy enough-- during this time on Thurs. they had a big room filled with stuff for kids. It was a bunch of pharmacuetical companies and medical company reps with booths with free toys and stuff for kids. Nicholas got some free ice cream, ran around like a crazy person, got some free toys and pens and notebooks and bags, etc. It would have been really fun for a kid probably 4+ (there was a rock climbing wall and face painting and balloon animals and a funny picture booth kind of thing and WII games to play) but for a 16 month old there wasnt much that kept his attention for longer than a minute or two. It was fine though since we had driven for 5.5 hours and then checked in and went to this game room place and just had an early night.

Friday was the busiest day by far-- there were speakers for Donnie and I from 8:30am to like 5pm (with some breaks for lunch and stuff). We had paid for Nicholas to have childcare provided so he was dropped off at the daycare so Donnie and I could focus on the speakers. During each time slot there were 2 different options of presentations so Donnie and I split up so we could get the most info. Donnie went to a presentation about nutrition and how to get calories in your kids without needing medication. Donnie said it was great and really informational so I went ahead and bought the speakers book so I could read it (havent gotten to it yet). I went to a long presentation by Dr.H about the basics of RSS treatment and common problems and her treatment protocols. This was great information and made me more confident that we were already ahead of the game and on track with his treatment and dr's (main dr's at this point are his endocrinologist, gastroenterologist, nutritionist, ortho and pediatrician). We then broke for lunch and Donnie stayed with Nicholas so he could nap while I attended the 2nd half of the presentations.

The afternoon had GREAT presentations! The first was on Limb-Lengthening surgery-- which I know, I know, it sounds terrible and painful and just awful. I don't know about you but when I picture this surgery I think of breaking bones and months upon months in casts and bedridden and all horrible things I wouldn't want to put my child through. In actuality it is NOT that way at all! After talking with the ortho dr who did the presentation we found out that Nicholas has a predicted discrepancy of 3-4cm which is quite a bit and definitely would need something to be done for long term treatment.

We had already seen 2 different ortho dr's in Cincy, the first told us about a procedure called epiphysiodesis which essentially stops growth on the longer leg so the shorter leg can catch up. This freaked me out for a variety of reasons, 1. we are working REALLY hard to get Nicholas to grow and I am really against doing anything that will be STOPPING growth and messing with the growth plates, 2. Why would we do a procedure on the "normal" leg and leave the other leg untreated when in RSS kids the discrepancy is caused by an undergrowth in the shorter leg not an overgrowth in the longer leg. Basically it would be treating the leg with no problems and leaving the leg with the issue alone...seems kind of backward, 3. the possible risks are serious-- permanent damage to the growth plate which could stop growth all together. The ortho who suggested this also didn't do any official measurements of Nicholas and just "eye balled" the discrepancy. He also wanted to do this procedure at age 5 (again, really random...had no explanation as to why age 5 would be the age to do). Basically I ran the other way and got a second opinion. We were really lucky to get an appt down at Shriner's in Lexington where we got much better results. The dr's had official x-rays done of his bones to REALLY see the discrepancy. She agreed that the epiphysiodesis wasnt suggested but she thought his discrepancy would probably stay the same (its currently 1.5cm) and not get larger as he grew. Therefore she just wanted to wait and see and in a year reevaluate if we should get lifts or what we should do.

The speaker at the conference talked about how in his experience with RSS kids (which is alot since most RSS kids have a discrepancy and he is who Dr.H refers all her patients to) the discrepancy continues to grow and once the discrepancy is past 2cm, using lifts for long term treatment isnt the best route to go. He said with lifts its too easy to be non-compliant and not wear them and before you know it you end up with chronic back and knee pain. He suggests limb-lengthening surgery where they basically go in and cut the bone and put a frame around it. Every day you turn the frame so that it separates the bone a tiny tiny tiny bit and as the bone heals new bone regenerates to fill in the gap. He said that it is usually 10 days of being in the frame for each cm that you are lengthening. So for Nicholas who will end up with say a 4cm discrepancy he would be in the frame for 40 days. But during those 40 days he can still be mobile and active. After that there is about another 3 months of physical therapy to make sure the muscles stretch with the new length and to just work on strengthening. He said the kids never undergo general anesthesia and that an epidural is given and afterward usually tylenol is enough for pain management in kids. The pain is essentially equivalent to a child who gets growing pains during a growth spurt which is typical in all kids. His website explains it WAY better than I just did but it really put my mind at ease. This procedure wouldn't need to be done for a while (he recommends jr.high age as an ideal time to do it) but I feel confident and ready to discuss the decision with the dr. at Shriner's when we see her next year.

This post is getting long so I am going to write some more in a part 2 section....if you stuck with me this long then....you are probably family since this is probably boring to most people BUT stay tuned for info about the teen round table and our consultation with Dr.H!

Summer 2011

2011-08-02T21:19:00.002-04:00

Well since I haven't blogged since April I guess I can do an entire recap of the summer of 2011 since it is winding down to an end. Things have been so busy and fun around here! I am purposely keeping myself (and Nicholas) really busy since I somehow seem to have energy-- its almost like if I have 1 day go by that I don't plan on doing something I am afraid my body will realize how crazy busy I've been and refuse to get going again. Needless to say this post will be long as always and I promise to be brief and possibly go into more detail in later posts (I always say this and rarely do so don't get your hopes up).

May- Nicholas started growth hormone therapy at the very end of April so May was our 1st month giving the nightly shots. He takes them like such a champ! Now that we are a few months in I can say that they are really no big deal and I can actually give him his shot without either of us crying anymore :-) We didn't do too much in May because it was rounding up the end of my 1st trimester which meant I still had pukey days quite regularly but by the end of May my morning sickness was completely gone so that was pretty awesome! (Since starting the growth hormone Nicholas grew 3 inches between Feb and June!!!)

June- We took a family vacation with my side of the family (my parents, my sister and her husband and 3 boys, my brother and his girlfriend and my little sister). We used to go to South Carolina every year as kids and we had gone in years past but the last time we went was 2007 (right before Donnie and I got engaged) This year we were all able to get our schedules aligned and my dad rented this AMAZING house for us to stay at! We were super excited since this was Nicholas' first "vacation" meaning first time on an airplane, first time on the beach, etc. He seriously loved it! He would walk up and down the beach without paying any attention to make sure someone was following him. He would walk up to girls laying out on their towels and just say "Hi" all casually haha It was adorable and he had a blast with his cousins and aunts/uncles. It was really fun to get together with my side of family since my brother and sister both live out of state.

July- We took 2 trips this month-- the first was to the MAGIC Foundation Annual Convention. I know I've talked about MAGIC before and I have another link to them in my sidebar (Is your child growing normally?) MAGIC stands for Major Aspects of Growth In Children-- they are a wonderful network of information and support for families of children with growth disorders. At the convention this year there were 112 Russell Silver Syndrome Families!! It was nuts to see so many kids that "looked" like Nicholas and even more nuts to be able to go an entire weekend out in public without once being told "Oh my word! He is so small! How old is he?" or "Wow! What a little peanut--was he a preemie?" It was refreshing to be around other people who just "get it". I learned so many great things at convention that this definitely deserves a post in and of itself. The cliff notes version is that Nicholas is growing perfectly (praise God!) and the RSS specialist we saw literally had no other suggestions of things we should be doing or doing differently! We also found out that Nicholas will need a limb-lengthening surgery sometime during his pre-teen/teen years which was unexpected (his right leg is shorter than his left). Lastly, kids with RSS are simply that-- KIDS with RSS. Talking to some older teens/young adults w/ RSS really calmed my fears about what life would be like for Nicholas as he gets older, starts school, etc.

The week after we got back from Chicago (where the convention was held) Nicholas and I decided to travel up to Cleveland to spend some time with my Grandma Rosie (mom's mom). She is the best :-) I have always been really close with her and a really cherish the one on one time we get especially since becoming a mother and a wife, its wonderful to talk with her about daily life and just get her wisdom and advice. I've also become MUCH more confident about traveling with Nicholas by myself. He really is my little buddy :-) He is my day to day sidekick who keeps me company and makes me laugh, a lot! We got to see my cousin Maddie who came over for a slumber party (she is about 8 or 9 years old) Nicholas had a BLAST playing with her and doing crafts and watching old videos of Sharon Lois and Bram's Elephant Show which was one of my favorites as a kid. Its weird to watch those videos with my own kid and to look at the kids in the show and think that they are all probably in their mid to late 30's with families of their own.

Aug- Unfortunately we had a vacation planned for Aug also to go down to Lake Barkley with Donnie's entire family but we had to decide to skip it due to needing more vacation time when the baby comes, which we found in July-- is a little girl! Its finally sunk in that I am having a girl (buying adorable pink outfits has definitely helped!) So for this month I am just planning loads of playdates, enjoying as much time as I can with my parents and sister before my mom and sister go back to work/school in the fall and trying not to melt in the weather which is REALLY not accomodating for pregnant women, or kids, or the elderly or really anyone. Hopefully I can be less lazy and do some other longer updates about the convention, what I learned during my 30 day fast from tv and internet and other fun summer things but if not-- keep your eyes peeled for another update come fall/winter. Hopefully I will update before baby girl gets here!

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2011-04-27T09:29:00.000-04:00

I am such a bum! I have only done 2 blog updates in 2011 and its almost the end of APRIL! That is ridiculous! I wrote a few and will post them probably once a day until I get caught up. Keep in mind that these will be boring posts but honestly I do this blog for memories sake because its nice to be able to look back and remember exactly what was going on.

So lets time warp back to March 2011….

Nicholas is 1! I cannot believe that my tiny baby, my 3lb 6oz miracle of all miracles baby is one year old. My heart hurts to think that his first year of life has passed by so quickly. Is it a normal mom thing to feel sad and think that you missed out? Maybe missed out isn’t the right word but when I think back to his 1^st year of life I wonder if I paid enough attention. Did I memorize his little face? Will I be able to remember how sweet he smelled as a little infant? Did I spend enough time rocking him and singing to him and cuddling with him? Did I let him nap too much? Haha I know that seems silly but I want to enjoy every second with him and I don’t want to let these seemingly unimportant moments pass me by because I know that as he gets older I will MISS these seemingly unimportant moments. The moments at 2am when its just you and the baby, rocking in the nursery, half asleep as he snuggles up closer. Okay I really need to cool it with the nostalgia.

So apparently I missed the memo about turning 1= toddlerhood and this may not be true for everyone but I think Nicholas decided that he had had enough of this baby-thing and wanted to move full steam ahead into “I am crazy, get into everything, I will give you mischievous smiles as I act ornery” stage. Let me tell you—I fear for the day that he can finally walk because I know that it will officially mean that he has beaten me. I just CANNOT keep up with him! He is so fast, gets into the most ridiculous things, climbs on everything and is such a little boy! He enjoys banging his head into things, taking rough falls, wrestling with daddy and getting into mischief (i.e. finding a roll of toilet paper somehow and unrolling it completely, or scaling the baby gate until he is standing completely upright but unable to get down). Anyone who says that toddlerhood doesn’t start till age 2 is nuts! Well, either they are nuts or I am in for an even BIGGER surprise…can he really get more crazy?! Please seasoned moms, just don’t tell me about it. Laugh and point when you see me chasing after my little hooligan haha

We had a birthday party for Nicholas a little early because he was scheduled to have surgery a few days before his actual birthday but it ended up being cancelled! Yay! His party was fabulous, dinosaur themed and I think he really had fun. He loves playing with the “big kids” and feeling like he is part of the gang and I think he had a blast and LOVED all his fun presents! We did a chili bar (white chicken chili, texas style chili, beefy black bean and corn chili and veggie chili) with all the different toppings (spaghetti, sour cream, jalapenos, cheese, hot sauces, onions, crackers, green onions, etc.) He had an AWESOME cake too—some friends of ours have a side business doing cakes and they made him a HUGE dinosaur cake (it was 2- 11x13 cakes (one chocolate, one vanilla) side by side with an even BIGGER rice crispie shaped dinosaur covered in fondant. Then they made this cool dinosaur egg nest out of rice crispie and chocolate and it had a little cake egg in it for Nicholas to enjoy as his “smash cake” and smash he did! He was all about it and really liked his special cake!

Basically that is all that happened this March, at least as far as I can remember, your first-born turning 1 is kind of a big deal and it overshadows any other things that went on in March—so there ya go! YAY March 2011!

Season of Sickness

2011-02-17T13:23:00.002-05:00

This winter has truly been the Season of Sickness here at the Glenn house. I would always hear about other families who had what seemed like an entire month of illness but until I had a child it had never been me. It’s been seriously ridiculous. So far, since Christmas we’ve had:

Nicholas: 3 ear infections, 17 days worth of the stomach flu, 14 days worth of a NASTY cold, 2 ER visits, 2 days of hospital stays and 1 surgery

Lauren: 4 days worth of strep throat, 3 days worth of stomach flu, 5 days worth of colds

Donnie: 3 days worth of stomach flu, 7 days worth of cold/flu

Apparently our house is one big cesspool of germs. But on the bright side I feel like I can now say I’ve handled it—that we came out unscathed and that I never want to be puked on again (at least not until next winter please!) If only we had had the foresight to buy stock in Lysol….

The really unfortunate part of all this sickness is how rough it’s been on Nicholas. For an RSS kiddo, illness is a BIG deal. While Nicholas didn’t lose a ton of weight (only a few ounces) it’s a BIG deal for him. At his 9 month well visit Nicholas was 12lbs even, now at almost 12 months Nicholas is still only 12.1lbs….not so good for 3 months of growth. While yes he had the stomach flu, the times he wasn’t pukey he was being fed HIGH calorie food (I’m talking toast with butter on BOTH sides per our nutritionist, entire bowls of ice cream in the evening…any and everything we could do to get as many calories in him as possible!) Unfortunately they think his lack of weight gain is also attributed to his growth curve slowing down and perhaps plateauing which is common for RSS kids. He had been doing really well, chugging along on his own little curve, that paralleled the “normal” growth curve, just well below it. Now that curve is taking a nose dive and its not so good.

For us that means in the next couple months that if we cant get his weight back up, growth increased than we will be back to the pediatric gastroenterologist to discuss G-tubes and those options. At this point, the thought of a G-tube (feeding tube that goes directly into the stomach) is far less anxiety-provoking than it used to be. If it means there is less stress on our family to get Nick to grow than I am all for it!

We also recently had a very important appointment with Nicholas’ new endocrinologist who is going to be his primary doc (along with our awesome pediatrician). At this appointment we decided it was time to start Nicholas on growth hormone therapy! This is big exciting news for us because hopefully once he starts GHT he will obviously grow better, gain weight easier (hopefully), get sick less, have more stable blood sugar along with other positives. The biggest hurdle we have with starting this will be getting insurance approval. Often times insurance companies don’t approve this therapy since it will be something we will need for quite a few years. GHT involves giving Nicholas nightly injections of the synthetic growth hormone. For most RSS kids the GHT lasts well into adolescence which from an insurance perspective that is them paying for this expensive therapy from age 1 to possible age 15+. We could really use prayer about this, that starting this therapy will be an easy transition and that Nicholas will handle the injections with ease. Also we could use prayer that we will get insurance approval very quickly! Some friends of ours that have a daughter with RSS were very blessed and got insurance coverage within 2 weeks! That is basically unheard of, many families have to fight with the insurance company for 6+ months—hopefully that wont be us!

So while this has been a season of sickness for us its been a huge season of growth also. For me its been growing in my confidence in my parenting, growing in my abilities to turn these things over to the Lord. Without realizing it I’ve been holding on so hard to Nicholas’ medical situation. I felt like I was giving these things over to the Lord but I was still clenching them with white knuckles out of fear that if I loosened my grip things would fall apart. In doing this I was missing out on the relief that comes with trusting in the Lord wholeheartedly, I’ve also missed out on experiencing the overwhelming grace that the Lord could be pouring out on me if I only let Him. He has given me grace upon grace to deal with the circumstances that He has perfectly portioned out for me.

“For in his fullness, we have all received, and grace upon grace” John 1:16

I am so thankful for the experiences and struggles I’ve had in the last year (Nicholas’ medical stuff, my difficult pregnancy, my struggles with not being able to nurse my baby, then the struggles with getting my baby to eat in general, the struggles of having surgeries and illness and many other things). I have really learned what it means to go with the flow, to give it all to the Lord and just to put my faith in Him that the season I was experiencing is just that, a season of my life. So in this season of sickness I give thanks to God that he has portioned and appointed all the seasons of my life and that while things may be hard I know there is another season just around the corner.

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace. –Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Feb?? I though it was January!

2011-02-11T14:36:00.003-05:00

**Sidenote-- I finally got around to writing a new blog post (wrote it Jan 3rd) but I really wanted to update with pictures so I just saved the written entry to post once I got my pictures uploaded...long story short: I cant find my camera cord so no pictures are going to be in this post...and its really outdated already...clearly blogging is falling pretty low on priority list but nonetheless, enjoy!**

I am writing this more for memories sake—I seriously cant remember anything these days and I know I will look back in sadness that I didn’t write these things down so unfortunately for you, you are going to get to read all the 1^st things and exciting moments in the last few months.

Nicholas had his first Halloween which was great fun (wow this is really long overdue). He went as a giraffe AND a penguin since his mom cant decide on anything. We went to the annual Glenn Harvest party which was good times had by all and I am sure next year Nick will be big time nommin on some 15 bean soup (family tradition). He helped “pass out candy” at his Aunt Katie’s house and loved the excitement once all the cousins came back dressed in their costumes. He was 7 months old for this stuff. At 7 months he also got his first teeth (bottom 2) and started army crawling around.

I’ll do my best to condense and add fun pictures. Since I last blogged lots have gone one. Nicholas had his first Thanksgiving! We traveled up to Cleveland to spend time w/ my mom’s side of the family. We stayed at my Gramma’s house and my sister and her family was there too! It was great fun to watch Nicholas really interacting with his cousins for the first time. He is finally army crawling so he is all over the place and really enjoys playing now. He also became much more vocal during this trip, talking up a storm. He enjoyed meat for the first time and loved that I finally got around to getting him a food mill. His Thanksgiving meal consisted of Ham, turkey, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, green beans, corn, cranberry sauce, stuffing and a little whipped cream off mom’s pie. He also had his first surgery and hospital stay in November at 8 months which I wrote about in my last post.

Moving right along—Nicholas had his first Christmas…more like 1^st Christmas week which involved our small group Christmas party where he really enjoyed this creepy squishy chicken thing that pushed out an egg…bad description but it was awful and was one of the white elephant gifts we did. We had Christmas eve at Donnie’s parents house which is always fun. We went over for breakfast at 10 and Nicholas enjoyed a hearty breakfast of ham, eggs (1^st time!), breakfast potatoes, fruit and probably other stuff I didn’t see him get. We opened presents which is mayhem if you can imagine 21 people (including 9 children ages 5,4,3,2,2,2,9 months, 6 months, 3 months) and Nicholas got so spoiled and it was wonderful! We then had the traditional dinner of beef stroganoff and then headed up to my parents to spend the night. We were all surprised when we found out that my brother had booked a surprise flight into Cincinnati to surprise my parents! It was great since my brother has only gotten to see Nicholas one other time (this past July). We had a calm Christmas morning and Nicholas got spoiled again! My sister and her family got into town that afternoon and my Aunt came over as well for Christmas Dinner. Nicholas ate about ¼ of my piece of red velvet cake and ice cream and was whining for more. Now I am sure with all this food talk you are wondering how his feeding therapy is going…well its good. We have transitioned to focusing more on speech but the problem we are having now is that he LOVES table food so much that he doesn’t want a bottle anymore but he still needs the bottle for the calories. Its quite the conundrum but we are working on it. I don’t blame him, who would want a boring old bottle when you could have ham or pie haha

Nicholas also had his first trip to the shooting range this past December haha a couple days after Christmas we went to the range with Dave, Megan and George and Andrew & Stephanie and it was really fun! We got a few looks for bringing babies to a shooting range and no mom, they weren’t down by the shooting guns, it wasn’t loud or dirty haha This is when Nicholas officially said his first word- Bear. He got some books about bears for Christmas and we had been reading them and it must have stuck. Since then he has also said Puffs and Up (when playing with blocks). Then when we were in Indiana for New Years Day celebrating with Donnie’s extended family he waved and said bye bye for the first time! Its probably the cutest thing I’ve ever seen!

Lets see Nicholas also met one of my best friends, Jessi, this December (she was my maid of honor). I love introducing Nick to important people in my life. Donnie and I spent New Years Eve in Indianapolis with my best friend Dani and her husband Dan. It was quite a momentus occasion. We were playing a board game (exciting, right?!) and Donnie got laughing so hard that he was crying. Why is this important you ask? Well lets see, I’ve been with Donnie almost 7 years (since 2004) and I have NEVER seen a tear come out of his eye. I have barely even seen him tear up let alone have an actual tear come to fruition. I was so excited and I am glad to know that my husband does indeed have tear ducts haha. Nicholas also enjoyed dinner at Maggiano’s that night as you can see from the picture.((womp womp...no pic sorry guys!-- its a cute one if I ever get to posting it!)

I think that is all the big stuff that’s been happening in the past couple of weeks. We aren’t too exciting but I love our life. Things are good. Nicholas is good. Life is just good :-)

another first checked off the list...

2010-11-19T12:45:00.003-05:00

I really am horrible at updating my blog, I am so uninspired to write and when I do write its always long and too much detail for anyone to read. Nicholas is now 8 months old...well 8 and a half months haha I feel its cliche to say he's growing up so fast but he really is! I love that his personality is coming out so much and he is such a little stinker! There is really no other way to put it than saying he.is.a.stinker :-) He has started to army crawl EVERYWHERE and is really stinkin fast and of course loves to crawl to places he shouldnt be. Nevermind the HUGE open space we have in the living room for him to play in and crawl around he insists on crawling in the 6 inch space behind the recliner and since he is little he can fit in all these ridiculously tiny places that make it near impossible for Donnie and I to get him out of.

I dont really want to baby proof my house, like, I kind of think we just need to work with him on not touching things he shouldnt touch because when we go to other people's houses they arent going to have every little thing baby proofed. I am going to probably get a gate to block off the kitchen but thats more for my convenience than for him. I dunno maybe I am being silly and will change my mind when he gets even more mobile but its what we agree on for now.

He also is doing AWESOME with eating!! PRAISE GOD! We had really been struggling, I was at my wits end (probably why I didnt blog much), etc. He has started feeding therapy and is doing great--the therapist has some interesting tricks for us to try and we are currently working with him to get him to be able to hold his own bottle and tip his head back to drink, working on pacing himself (he gulps and doesnt breathe which is problematic for a variety of reasons) and we are working on introducing more solids. Right now he is pretty consistently eating 1/4 jar of baby food twice a day...1/2 jar total. I gave up on making his own food b/c we 1. have no freezer space, 2. with him only eating 1/2 jar total I think we can splurge the 47 cents to buy him a jar every two days haha He is also going to be evaluated for physical therapy in the next couple weeks to work on his low muscle tone.

Nicholas also had his first surgery which went well (thanks for all the thoughts and prayers!) I didnt even cry (well just tears welling up) when they took him back. I am such a big girl! haha He was so stinkin cute in his little gown w/ his itty bitty blood pressure cuff and little IV. He was such a trooper through it all!

RSS kids are at a pretty high risk of developing fasting hypoglycemia and ketonemia so I requested he come in extra early for surgery and get an IV w/ a sugar solution to help w/ that since he couldnt eat. His sugars stayed great during surgery and after (he was still on the IV) but he was in a decent amount of pain so they gave him some morphine so we between trying to wake up from the anesthesia and the morphine he was really out of it and didnt want to eat. After 2 hours of not wanting to eat they were wanting to discharge us but I was "that mom" and said I wasnt comfortable taking him home until he had eaten. They decided to take him off the IV to see if that helped his appetite and...it did nothing. He still wouldnt eat and after being off the IV for 20 mins they tested his sugars and they had dropped about 20 points....sooooo they admitted us which I am glad they did b/c I would not have wanted to take him home and had to be dealing w/ all that, second guessing whether to bring him back, etc.

(He looks so sad...)

(Just kidding! He was smiley and flirting with nurses about 85% of the time we were there)

We stayed until he was doing okay with feeding and was able to stablize his feedings w/o fluids and keep his sugars up. We were finally discharged Thurs. evening after meeting with an educator from the Diabetes Center to get a glucose meter and learn to check his sugars. The endocrinologist (who we are already seeing in march) wants us to keep track and make sure he doesnt get low sugars...but after all that we can at least say we are done with his first surgery, I've experienced staying in the hospital w/ LB, watching him get an IV, etc. and we all survived and came out unscathed (well LB is still not 100% but doing well)

We also found out this month that Nicky definitely has Russell Silver Syndrome (RSS). We had some genetic testing done and we finally got the results back which confirmed his diagnosis. About 40% of kids with RSS never get a biologically positive test result but we did which was good because it got rid of any doubts we had.

In the last year so much has happened, as a family we have been through so much between my hyperemesis and IV therapy, 10 weeks in the hospital on bedrest, a scary and hard labor and delivery, having an amazing & miraculous healthy 3lb baby!, taking my baby home and being terrified by his lack of growth, seeing too many dr's to count, spending hours in waiting rooms, getting tests done, talking with dr's, doing research, having therapy evaluations, therapy sessions, etc. This past year has been far from easy but it has been SO GOOD! We are so blessed and even as things arent really seeming to slow down (or get easier) with having the addition of blood sugar issues, physical therapy, etc. I am so thankful for everything in my life. I've been really meditating on Psalm 71 lately and have found such peace!

In you, Lord, I have taken refuge;
let me never be put to shame.
In your righteousness, rescue me and deliver me;
turn your ear to me and save me.
Be my rock of refuge,
to which I can always go;
give the command to save me,
for you are my rock and my fortress...

Though you have made me see troubles,
many and bitter,
YOU will restore my life again;
from the depths of the earth
you will again bring me up.
You will increase my honor
and comfort me once more.

He is SO good!

ohh oh we're half way there...

2010-10-11T12:47:00.005-04:00

So 6 months have come and gone for Nicholas...I cant believe that he is 7 months already!! At 6 months:

- Nicholas weighed 10lbs 3oz. and was 23.5 in. long!! Go Nicky!!

- Between Nicholas and myself we had 7 doctors appointments during his 6th month

-Nicholas has gotten MUCH better at sitting unassisted and playing with toys (his favorites include: the exersaucer, crinkly parrot and any paper product)

-Nicholas has begun to roll like a mad man--he can get halfway across the living room in literally 30 seconds-- this marks the end of me being able to leave him hanging out on my bed while I get dressed

-I discovered Nicholas likes a variety of music but very much dislikes the band Dispatch for some reason

-Nicholas was still teething (sidenote: I think the tooth might *finally* be popping through at 7months 2 wks)

-had his first ride on big Uncle Joe's combines :-)

-Nicholas got another new cousin! (Hope Rose--so precious!)

-was still wearing newborn size clothing

-had his 1st night away from both mommy and daddy/ had his first slumber party with grammy and pawpaw

-tried sweet potatoes and carrots for the first time, both were good but Nicky still isnt very interested in eating anything really...but at least he doesnt make an awful pained face like he did when we tried to give him green beans at 5 months

-had his first fun experience in the johnny jump-up which he just spins in circles in because he doesnt weigh enough to bounce in it yet-- he loves it all the same though :-)

I think those are the big things that happened at 6 months--I know I am forgetting things and I am a lame mom because I dont document anything really (my thoughts on this: I never remember to take video, pictures, write down anything, etc. because I am always too enthralled in the moment and dont think "hey I should take a picture of this" until after the fact then I am bummed when I realize that our first family photo wasnt taken until Nicholas was 6 months old! how is that possible?!)

6 months was a busy month for us, as is every month, filled w/ doctors appointments, play dates, therapy stuff, going for walks, etc. I am waiting for the pause--where I feel like I can "catch up and catch my breath" but I am thinking that moment might not ever come--I suppose the best I can do is just be in the moment every day and enjoy the time w/ my little buddy...I can't wait for the holiday season to watch Nicholas enjoy his first Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas! The next time I post I should have some ridiculously cute pictures of Nicky in his 2 halloween costumes- yes thats right, 2! haha I really couldnt pass them up especially since they were a whopping $4/each. He will just have to do a costume change 1/2 way through the evening or maybe I will bring him in his Halloween costume to church on Sunday the 31st hehe I would be that ridiculous and I know I can count on at least 5 people loving that I am bringing him to church in costume..okay who can guess the 5 people? ;-)

boring

2010-09-14T14:14:00.002-04:00

I never feel like I have much to blog about. Actually, I have things I could blog about but I figure it will be too boring to read- unless you are like my parents or siblings that might be interested in the mundane things I do with Nicholas. I dont want to become one of those people who blog everytime their baby has a dirty diaper or giggles haha I know those things are probably only interesting to me--but nonetheless I am blogging today in hopes I will be inspired about something.

So I guess I will just update about what is going on with Nicholas until I am inspired--hey its easier to update here than to tell all my close family and friends individually. Nicholas has an evaluation with First Steps (Ky's early intervention program) coming up to see if he is eligible/needs any services. He is doing awesome with gross motor which is usually an issue with RSS kids but his communication and problem solving might be needing a little help. He has his first appointment with Gastro (who I feel like are the ONLY people we havent seen at Children's lol) Hopefully this will go smoothly and we will get some answers about his reflux (which seems to be rearing its ugly head again, just in time for our insurance to stop covering his current reflux medicine...awesome, not!) He also may have some delayed gastric emptying issues but that will be determined I guess.

Nicholas also had his appointment with urology and we found out that he will have to have surgery--orchiopexy. This surgery probably wont be a big deal, I mean its only a 2 hour long procedure and we will be in and out in the same day but I am really struggling with my anxiety about this. I guess any mom can relate to the fears about their child having any procedure done I am just terrified that something will go wrong, you always hear those stories about a child that goes in for a routine procedure and than something horrible happens. I guess the worry may stem from the feeling that I am ALWAYS (actually let me rephrase...often...always is such a God word) "that person". If something has a 2% chance of happening you can bet that it will happen to me...my hyperemesis, my IUGR, my experiences with going in to have my wisdom teeth removed and ending up needing an emergency appendectomy (long story for another post...it was ridiculous to say the least). I just have bad luck, but as I Christian I feel like bad luck isnt something I should even believe or say or whatever

Luck doesnt really have a place in Christianity, does it? I mean I suppose this is just another situation that God is going to use to teach me about His sovereignty---my "luck" is a moot point, I have no luck--I have a strong and powerful God that controls my life and my experiences. I guess its just hard because I feel like as I've struggled with anxiety and worry over the years I have accumulated many verses but I feel like those verses are just laying flat to me (which is embarassing for me to even admit, that the Word of God is laying flat) I dont know if its because I have studied them so much that I am losing the "awe factor" if you can call it that. I dont think that should ever happen--I should always be in awe of how good and faithful God is, I should be in awe of His wonderful sovereignty and I should easily be reminded that I can put my faith in Him no matter the circumstance. I wonder if maybe just breaking apart the verses may help, word by word, examining why the verses are worded and placed where they are?

I know worry is something I (and many others, if not everyone) will struggle w/ their entire lives--how can you not, even if your worry is just in an initial instance its still there. Now--I know that this is something I really need to chat with God about, my feeling stagnant in His word. I know its my own fault, and I am sure I will learn something from these feelings but right now it is making me uncomfortable. Perhaps being uncomfortable is a good thing, I should probably be more concerned if I was comfortable in my static position. So, I dont know where I am going with this anymore? (my brain is frazzled lately, I swear as soon as you walk in Children's Hospital there is something that scrambles a mothers brain and makes her incapable of having full thoughts haha)

Other than the surgery Nicky is doing well--I am adjusting to dealing with rude comments from strangers about his size as some of you might have seen on Facebook. Yes people are that ridiculous and dense...apparently some individuals are born with no social filter. A good friend recommended I use those comments as an opportunity to witness to those people..."Yes he is small, he is my miracle baby, let me tell you about the awesome work God has done in our lives" I guess I'm just not holy enough for that, or I am too cynical as I think of a bunch of not so Christian things I could say instead of thinking how can I turn this into an opportunity to witness. Guess that will be something else I can work on...

Long, LONG story short--I have alot of things I should be working on right now, and I think I am...so if I dont post for a while it will probably be because I am so busy working on these things ;-) but really...just add it to my mental to do list of things to work on which I think is the plight of being a stay at home mom though I wouldnt have it any other way.

how he loves us

2010-09-01T13:50:00.003-04:00

So here we are at the end of little buddy's 5 month of life and I am astonished. I cant believe he is almost half a year old! 6 months old seems so old (and seasoned mamas reading this can chuckle to themselves at my new mom silliness)! I think Nicholas has turned that corner of being a little person now, no longer the little baby, he has such personality now! In the last month or so he has: learned to roll from both belly to back and back to belly, can stand unassisted when holding onto the criss-crossing bars on his playmat, has started to show a little attitude already (complete with a lovely lip snarl), has discovered the full dexterity of his fingers and hands and he is overall just a loving sweet natured peanut!

I want to keep track of his month stats but I am trying to just avoid thinking about his growth as much as possible--you know just avoiding inevitable things is healthy ;-) But I do know that he was roughly 9lbs 14.5oz at his plagiocephaly appointment. (Which sidenote: Donnie weighed 9lbs 15oz AT BIRTH...Poor, poor Pammy :-) That is just ridiculous! ) As far as health things go I am starting to adjust to having weekly if not sometimes bi-weekly dr's appointments. Hopefully after Sept things will let up a little bit and we can go to monthly visits.

When it comes to his health stuff I just know that God is using Nicholas in more ways than one. First--I post on a few private listservs for Russell Silver Syndrome moms to get advice, support, etc. I posted some about Nicholas just to see what other experiences were like and I got *numerous* replies from the other moms that they've never heard of an RSS child who is doing as well as Nicky--Most said their kiddos didnt reach 10lbs until age 1, most were on feeding tubes by 5 months, many had had numerous surgeries. Even the different specialists we've seen at Children's have been shocked at his good health considering his health condition. Yet again, Nicky stumps doctors and people with how awesome he is doing! God is just so good, and not because Nicky is doing well (God would still be good even if things were much worse) but because He is using Nicholas in such a unique way. He is showing His awesome power through my son and I love that!

Lately I've been really thinking about God's love for us and how much I am learning about this through my experiences as a mother. Basically I cry everytime I think about it...which is basically every time I am driving and listening to the radio. So if you happen to drive by me and I have tears streaming down my face its probably for a good reason. This song is really getting to me lately:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TCunuL58odQ

"And we are His portion and He is our prize, Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes, If His grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking."

I cant get over how much I love Nicholas and it makes me think about how much *my* parents love me, how even though when I was a teenager and out of control I would scream and yell convinced that my parents didnt care about me because of xyz (which xyz was always for my own good). How could I have ever thought that?! And even more so, how did I ever think that God didnt care about me?! Oh, How He Loves Us! I've gone through some pretty horrible experiences that led me to believe that in this fallen world there is no God who lovingly let those things happen to me. How wrong could I have been?! He was there the whole time, has been there everytime since. Okay I am rambling and this doesnt make any sense...but nonetheless...I am learning so much everyday about my God and His love and how my earthly love for Nicholas is only a fraction of His love for me. I am so thankful to be having these experiences that teach me more about who God is.

As the months go on, and Nicholas gets older I am loving seeing life through his eyes (which is so cheesetastic that I cant believe I just said it!...I am one of those moms hehe) I cant wait to see what 6 months has in store for us! I am sure it will be a fantastic month and I am sure that I will be so sad to see it go...I remember 6 weeks just like it was yesterday....

a short one for once

2010-08-10T13:57:00.002-04:00

-I figured I should jump on the bandwagon w/ everyone doing bullet point posts lately--I know, I know, my blog is always long and wordy but maybe if I update short posts more often I can cut back on that

-I joined the MAGIC Foundation (Major Aspects of Growth In Children) and in becoming a member they sent me this great comprehensive guidebook about RSS/SGA. I've been reading it everyday bit by bit (its LONG and a lot of medical jargon) It has been great! I actually understand the genetics (shock!) and it makes me appreciative that I had to take statistics in college and learn how to read medical & academic journals--who-da known that would come in handy?? (and thanks again to my sister Devon who taught me & my classmates college statistics over speakerphone since our prof was an idiot)

-We leave for Lake Barkley on Wed--and I am such a buzz kill already, I know it will be fun but I'm dreading it simply because I dont want to pack. Vacations lose alot of their fun factor when you have to pack for 3 people, calculate amount of frozen breastmilk to bring and factor in all possibilities so you dont run out, etc. That and the fact that I will have to unpack our suitcases from Cleveland to re-pack them for Barkley...I know, thats sad right?

- I've been thinking alot about my marriage lately and I just love Donnie and am so thankful that I am in a Christian marriage above anything else--I'm going to this seminar at my church about this book "The God Empowered Wife" I read it not long after I got married but I wanted to go back and re-read before the seminar...I just love this: "Relationships are God's vice grips. They squeeze you until your sins ooze out--sins you wouldnt have had to face otherwise, but that enslave you and separate you from God" Wow! doesnt that make marriage sound so fun!? haha actually its great and so true...I could go on and on about this book but I'll save that for a long post after the seminar

-Man, I suck, even my bullet points are long :-/

a day off from being a grown up

2010-08-02T15:39:00.008-04:00

I really wish sometimes that I could just have a day off from being a grown up...where I could just do nothing, and think about nothing while I was doing nothing. While yes, I have been VERY lucky as of lately to have a day to myself with my best friend (thanks to Pam and the sisters for watching Nicholas for me!) I still spent a majority of my "free day" thinking about what I have to do, what is going in in my little family, etc. It would be glorious to just sit and do nothing, not think about anything and have someone who would prepare all the meals, keep my house clean, etc. Basically I want a mom for a day and I want to have a child-like thought process for just a few hours...ahh to be a kid again..

Since this is obviously not reality I suppose I will update on what has been going on in the last month. I am a horrible blogger as of late, and I know this post wont be much better. My posts are always long and wordy and full of details that I know nobody but me really wants haha But it is nice to go back and look at past posts and reminisce about what was going on in my life especially since its been a year since I started my blog (I think?). So July was a crazy hectic month, in June I had my highschool reunion and I feel like since then things have been on fast forward. Nicholas had his first ear infection which was not fun, and I'm pretty sure he's begun teething. At the end of June we went to Terre Haute, IN to help my sister move which was fun to see her new house and spend time w/ her boys who I miss terribly when I dont get to see them. Hopefully I will see them more often now that they are only 3 hours away (as opposed to 8 hours away in Madison,WI).

On our way back from Terre Haute we stopped in Indy to spend the night w/ my best friend D and her husband. Then on June 30th I also went to the Midnight release of Eclipse w/ my best friend D and my sister--it was awesome and for those that dont know I am a closet Twi-Hard :-)

Then we got home and were home for a few days then we had a big picnic at our house w/ family and friends which was a blast. I got to see my brother who I hadnt seen since Sept. 2009! and I got to meet his beautiful girlfriend :-) My sister and her husband and kids spent the night at our place which was so fun and gave me a glimpse of what my life will be like in a few years--a house full of fun, rambunctious boys! Cant wait! We took her oldest 2 fishing for the first time and it was so cute! They both caught a fish and actually were more patient with the fishing than I anticipated they would be (considering they are 5 and 3 years old). Donnie also set up a 100ft long slip and slide for them at our house which I of course "tested out" before the boys went down...uhm I would not recommend doing a slip n slide over the age of 10. I got going a little fast and flew off the end another 5-10ft haha I really do wish I had video of me doing this because I am sure I looked completely foolish! But it was fun :-) Then Nicholas had his 1st 4th of July celebrations to attend--we went to dinner at Donnie's sisters and then fireworks out at Gautrauds which was fun. Nicholas got to experience his first fireworks (kinda? he saw a few then I put him to bed while the rest were going off)

I also had a fun bachelorette party for a good friend which was so fun to go to now that I am married haha and then that same evening I actually went to ANOTHER bachelorette dinner and party (bus) haha it was really fun to go out and party and you know me...being thrifty...I brought my own drinks along in my purse haha I spent most of the evening talking about Nicholas with another one of the new moms who was on the party bus--we are so exciting! woo hoo! not. This month I also took Nicholas swimming for the first time which was great fun--he loved the water and he basically looked adorable in his "swimming costume" as my mom calls it ;-)

Then I had Nicholas' 4 month well visit--this was quite an event for me. Now I will preface this section by saying that I wasnt sure if I wanted to blog about this stuff but the more and more I think about it the more and more I feel okay sharing this info--it will save me from awkward moments in the future (having to explain then) and I know that my blog has been a blessing to many women who have privately messaged me (other moms who had IUGR babies, bed rest experiences, etc.) So I am blogging about my experience not to allow other to be voyeurs into our life but in hopes that I can provide some peace or understanding for another mom in a similar situation who happens to search and find my blog. Okay that being said:

so Nicholas had his 4 month well visit with Dr.Deis (who is great by the way! I highly recommend him!) and at this appointment a few concerns were brought up by the dr. Nicholas is obviously still really small. There's no beating around the bush about this, his weight gain has never been horrible but its definitely not great and usually around this age is when preemies (or SGA babies) sometimes start to catch up/make great gains in their weight/length. Nicholas just isnt, and along with a variety of other characteristics and things we have been struggling with (eating issues, reflux, etc.) The pedi recommended we take Nicholas to Children's to have some genetic testing done. This was a shock for me...kinda. When I was in the hospital with the IUGR stuff I had done some research then about genetic causes for IUGR but didnt look into them very much because its hard to do that before your baby is born (you dont know what symptoms to look for, etc. so what is the point in scaring yourself until you are faced with it after your child is born). Anyway--so the pedi wants us to take Nicholas to be checked out by a geneticist, and a gastroenterologist at Children's also (to check about his reflux) and also wants a consult w/ plastics at childrens because apparently Nicholas' flat spot is getting worse/not getting better and he may need helmet therapy for his plagiocephaly (fancy word for flat spot). I of course hold it together during our appointment (and Nicholas getting shots which really was just icing on the cake to my already *fantastic* appointment)

After the appointment I of course lost it--so many thoughts going through my head, just the overall fear of what this could mean, I felt incredibly overwhelmed just at the number of appointments we were going to have. So I schedule all the appointments and we have our genetics appointment first. So first: praise the Lord! Just in general--for everything! Praise the Lord that I am a stay at home mom (and that we can afford for me to be one!) With all the appointments its MUCH easier to schedule them having a completely open schedule. Praise the Lord that we live where we do and we have an AMAZING Children's hospital 20 mins. from our house--we arent having to pick up and travel to go see these dr's. Praise the Lord that I have a pediatrician who is so on top of the ball that he is acting proactively about these issues--he isnt waiting for the you know...crap to hit the fan...before referring us for consults (and I am pretty sure he is a Christian which just makes it all the better!) Praise the Lord for a husband who knows just what to say to calm me down when I call him in frantics and Praise the Lord for a family (on both sides) who are so supportive, calm, loving and just amazing!

So we had the genetics appointment a few weeks ago-- before the appointment I did some research of my own and looked at symptoms/characteristics of the suspected condition (which Nicholas has like 90% of the characteristics), and looked at some pictures of children with this condition (some were like mirror images of Nicholas--which literally my heart stopped when looking at some of these pictures. I just knew before we had the appointment what the result was going to be). So after a great appointment with a geneticist and a genetic counselor we have come to the result that Nicholas does in fact have Russell Silver Syndrome. This explains SO MUCH! It explains why I had all the difficulties in my pregnancy (doesnt quite explain the hyperemesis but I found that many other women who have RSS babies also had hyperemesis even though there is no medical link per say). It explains the IUGR, it explains his small size, it explains everything! But it also has its hard points--there can be some difficult side effects with Russell Silver Syndrome which I am still dealing with accepting.

Every mom thinks their child is perfect--and Nicholas is in my eyes. This diagnosis doesnt change anything really for how I feel about Nicholas but if anything its just another opportunity to turn to the Lord with open hands, ready for what He wants to give me. (Not to down play that this has been a struggle for me-- I sometimes want to close my "open hands" into fists and stomp and scream like a little kid having a hissy fit because its just "not fair" that we went through everything we did and this is the result) But I know that already Nicholas has been such a testament to the awesome and mighty power of MY God! He is and always will be our miracle baby--I know that God has such a special plan for Nicholas and I know that He is going to continue using Nicholas to teach Donnie and I more about Him. There will be struggles up ahead in the road but at least we now know what we are dealing with--we can take this head on and get things moving, getting Nicholas in to see all the different dr's he needs to see (urologists, geneticists, endocrinologists, cardiologists, gastroenterologists, plastics, orthopaedics, and probably more but that is just the list for now). I really also wanted to post this because I know that as Nicholas gets older and doesnt get much bigger there will be lingering questions and thoughts.

I'd rather just answer those questions and thoughts now--through this--than in the future. I know that Nicholas is such a tiny peanut and always will be and I will have to work on my generic "answer" for when people ask me why he's so tiny still (which is already starting). But I know who reads this blog (for the most part) and its people that I know will be loving and respectful and kind in reaction to this :-)

So after we had this appointment and got this somewhat difficult news we also got some more difficult news that evening. We found out that my Uncle Jeff passed away. I still have such a sad and heavy heart about this news. My uncle was such an upbeat, funny, caring man. He always had such a positive outlook and had a magnetic personality. He will be missed VERY much by MANY people. He was a wonderful father (he has an 8 year old daughter), a great husband, and a fun uncle--his funeral was a great service and it was so nice to see how many lives my uncle had touched. I am so glad that Nicholas was able to meet my Uncle Jeffy during easter this year.
These pictures are my last memories of Uncle Jeff and I'm glad that I am able to have positive, happy memories to recall back to. We will miss you Uncle Jeff!

busy busy

2010-06-21T14:29:00.002-04:00

I enjoy being busy because I like having things going on that I look forward too but I also hate feeling like I cant pause and enjoy the moment because there is always somewhere else to be...that being said this weekend felt so busy--Donnie has been working insane hours, I think he worked something like 115 hours in 9 days?! It is such a blessing that his company is doing so well, and of course his paychecks are awesome but I miss him, alot...I think Nicholas does too

Between him being gone at work for roughly 12 hours everyday by the time he gets home, we eat dinner, feed nicholas and put him down its time for bed already and then it happens all over again and heaven forbid our grass needs mowing because than we REALLY dont see Donnie--so when weekends come I want them to not be busy but this weekend felt packed

I had my 5 year high school reunion which is kind of weird to have and kind of weird that I went but I more just wanted an excuse to dress cute (meaning wear something other than jeans and a tshirt and flip flops) and feel like a "normal" 23 year old--Ursuline does all-school reunion kind of things like this reunion was for the class of 2005, 2000, 1995, 1990, 1985, 1980, etc. So its interesting (sidenote: it will be really fun because when I have my 10 year reunion my little sister will be having her 5 reunion at the same time!)--it started with mass and then a cocktail hour (naturally) then dinner, dancing etc. It was funny because even though the invitations were for alums and their spouses/significant others there werent really many men there (even for the older women) and the men that were in attendance looked like the boys at a UA high school dance--they were being dragged around by their wives, being used to take pictures and refill drinks haha it was really strange being back in the school even though it has physically changed alot

There was one distinct moment when I was in the restroom with all of my high school friends (the bathrooms hadnt changed a bit) and we were walking out into the hallway joking and I was like wow--I feel like nothing has changed and I am back in highschool...all I needed was my plaid skirt and I woulda been there. But really, since its only been 5 years not too much has changed--I recently got a letter in the mail, I wrote it to myself my senior year of high school and my teachers just mailed it--in the letter I wrote about where I wanted to be in 5 years and much to my surprise it was pretty acurate for my life. I wanted to be married to Donnie, check, (we started dating my jr. year of high school and I knew from our 1st date on that we were going to get married haha), I wanted to be graduated from college w/ a degree that enabled me to do some sort of counseling, check, I wanted to maybe have a child/be pregnant, check, My group of friends has somewhat changed but I still keep in touch with all of my friends from back then--in getting this letter it just reaffirmed how much I love my life and how happy I've been with all of my big life decisions

When looking at my high school friends I sometimes feel like the odd man out because I married my high school sweetheart, I have bills/mortgage to pay, I dont go out every night, I have a baby, I dont go on extravagent trips to vegas or L.A., etc. I just sometimes feel like I'm not normal for my age but then I look at Nicholas and Donnie and I wouldnt trade any of it for the world....I love my guys :-), I like that I am settled down--I enjoy more just hanging out w/ my husband and baby than going out and yes I had a blast at my reunion and going out afterward but I'm just not made for that lifestyle--my feet were killing me (I wore my little sisters 5 inch heels which I think caused permanent damage to my feet), I was tired, I'm too cheap to drink anything but beer, I came home and was exhausted and knew I pushed myself too far by staying out w/ my old high school friends and now 2 days later I am paying for it as I sit here sick on the couch

My life is so good though and has turned out infinitely better than what 18 year old me could have imagined--I think I should probably write myself a letter again now and hide it away for another 5 years--its fun to see what I was thinking and what my goals were and if I had achieved them...I think my life is actually only going to get more fun as time goes on and that "my old glory days" were not so much glory days haha

Little Peanut

2010-06-16T13:36:00.002-04:00

I hate that I only update my blog like once a month now....I would do it more often but honestly my life is pretty boring and I find I dont really have much to blog about other than Nicholas but I know that him doing something cute is much more exciting to me than it probably is to most people that being said...

He is so stinkin cute! I think I probably say that at least 10x's a day still, I wonder if I will ever get used to his cuteness or if I will always think he is unusually cute? He is doing pretty well--his 3 month stats are 8lbs, 20in. which is pretty good. He is still in the 0 percentile lol but his head circumference is on the charts :-) At his appointment today the dr. showed me his growth chart and he was on a great growth curve which aligned with the normal growth curve it was just below it (parallel to the "normal" curve though if that makes any sense). I was starting to be a little concerned because in the last 2 weeks or so Nicholas has been sleeping A TON!

I know, I know...what mom complains/worries about too much sleep? Well...I do haha He was sleeping from 10:30pm-8:30am (which was me waking him up at 8:30-he would have slept longer) I feed him and by 9am he is sleeping again until I wake him up at 12:30 and then by 1pm he is sleeping again then I wake him up at 3:30pm feed him and back to sleep again usually for about an hour or two then is up until 7:30 then he takes random 20 min cat naps between 7:30-10:30....so basically he spends way more time sleeping than being awake which I thought at first was just a growth spurt but in the last couple days he hasnt been eating as much at his feedings and he is very dissinterested in eating so I went ahead and called the pediatrician

We went today and all is well (he looks super healthy!) The pediatrician wasnt concerned about the sleep on its own only in combination with him eating less--basically we need to be fortifying his bottles of milk more than we already are (we were doing 1tsp of formula mixed in w/ every bottle of breastmilk now we need to do 2tsp of formula mixed in to every bottle) He needs to be eating about 18oz./day to maintain and gain weight so the pedi said as long as he is eating that amount I should just let him sleep when he wants to sleep

This is such a relief! I have really been struggling w/ my anxiety lately about Nicholas and his health. Its hard to differentiate between normal mommy worry and worry that is above and beyond---its like as soon as anything variates I assume its something serious and life threatening for example: with the sleeping stuff instead of thinking "oh he is sleeping more maybe its just a growth spurt or a phase" I think "He has some serious genetic condition and he is going to die"...literally I have these thoughts...not okay! I dont know if its because of all the pregnancy complications and him being so small still that I just go to the worst case scenario--and if it is because of the experiences in the past am I always going to be extra worried about his health for the rest of his life or will I ever feel like we are "out of the woods"? I dont know...maybe some other moms can chime in on this

I hate the anxiety and worry and not because it physically and emotionally is so horrible but because all I can think of is how incredibly SINFUL it is ugh! I hate that in my worrying I recognize I am being sinful yet I struggle with taking my thoughts captive--a good friend recommend in those times just have a running list going through what I am thankful for and man! I have a LOT to be thankful for! But then it makes me feel even worse because I think my worry=me doubting Gods sovereignty which is so horrible since God has been so good to me! He has blessed me, kept my child safe and healthy, He is just so faithful and here I am worrying still! You would think by now that I would know that God is in control of everything! It just scares me how much I love Nicholas because its so all encompassing...like nothing Ive ever experienced! The love for your child is something no one can prepare you for--that instant bond and overwhelming love is incredible...and scary :-)

So now that Nicholas is 3 months old he is changing so much everyday (at least it seems that way) he has great head control and loves to look around (he is incredibly nosy haha) he has come really really close to rolling over a few times and I swear once his arms are a little stronger he will be crawling because when hes on his belly his legs already like push his body forward and he wiggles across the floor--it is ridiculous to seem him do all these things (including the head control) because its like looking at a newborn doing these things! He amazes strangers who dont realize he is 3 months old haha and I'm okay not correcting them--let them think my newborn baby smiles on demand and holds his head up haha

hmmm...nothing really else going on, things are great, life is awesome and God is good :-) Oh here is a clip of a commercial I really enjoy because it is so ridic! The Coolest You'll Look Pooping Your Pants (and no its not vulgar) it makes me laugh everytime because I just think of little Nicholas walking in them haha

slacker

2010-05-17T20:56:00.004-04:00

I have been a complete and total slacker in my blogging--who knew that having only 1 baby would take up so much time?! Megan and I often sit back and laugh at how we were such fools...we had these lavish dreams of being stay at home moms who would have all the free time in the world, I mean what would we do to keep ourselves from getting bored with our newborns? We had visions of afternoon walks and picnics in the park

HA! we were such FOOLS! Our "afternoon walks and picnics in the park" are us sitting cramped in a nursery begrudginly pumping/nursing our babies and talking about how we havent gotten out of the house in a week and when we did we were covered in spit up :-)

That being said please dont get me wrong, I do absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE being a stay at home mom, I cant believe how blessed I am to have a husband who works extra hard so that I have the luxury (and yes I know how much of a true luxury it is) to stay home and cherish my baby every minute of every day....it hurts my heart to think that I would have already had to be back at work at this point had I decided to work/stay in grad school--to miss seeing every little change in Nicholas is something that I wouldnt be able to handle.

Speaking of changes, little Nicky is changing so much! He is 2months old now (well actually 11 weeks old on Wed--I admitted I was a slacker) At his 2 month appointment he was 6lbs 2oz. and 19.25 in long, as of last Tues he was 6lbs 8oz so I am sure by this point he is at least 7lbs! EEK! At dinner tonight our waiter guessed Nicholas was a week old...this is a regular occurance along with people not being able to help themselves from being nosy--its always awkward when after I explain, "no he wasnt a preemie, he was full term just very small" when people ask "do they know why he is so tiny? what happened" ...."well it all started 9 months ago when I suffered from a condition called hyperemesis..."

Honestly, what do people expect me to say? I just smile and use each time to remember he is tiny but mighty and when I am able to proudly say that he didnt spend any time in the NICU I am reminded of how great our God is, how incredibly blessed I am and just how amazing Nicholas really is. At his two month appointment he got his first round of shots, he handled them like a champ, me on the other hand, well I cried before they even gave him his first, the nurse walked into the room w/ them and I started bawling, he got the shots then let out a few little cries, I held him and rocked him and he was fine promptly 2 mins later, while I was still crying and the dr left the room saying, "I'll just give you a few minutes to compose yourself" haha

He is doing okay growth wise, not amazing but not bad just average I suppose. I think they were wanting to see a little more growth than what he had but nothing to worry about. He also began struggling with acid reflux at around 7 weeks but we got him on zantac and that seems to be helping so far. They also heard a slight heart murmur which had me freaking out. The dr said its really common and only about 1 in 100 kids ever end up needing surgery to fix it--well I AM THE 1 in 100!! (clearly from my pregnancy I dont have the greatest luck in medically related things). Well thankfully I didnt pass my bad luck on to Nicholas and after an appt with a cardiologist we know we have nothing to worry about and no follow up appt was even needed :-) Praise God!

Nicholas is starting to smile ALOT more and it melts my heart--I literally spend at least an hour a day holding him and just looking at him/talking to him--listening to his little sounds and watching his smiles really make me a happy lady. He is so close to laughing that Donnie and I are just waiting to hear it. I cant wait to watch him grow and change, with him being as tiny as he is I cant picture him as anything but a tiny baby--I cant even picture him being the size of a normal 6 month old baby--like he will always be a little peanut in my eyes. He really is my little buddy :-)

My Guys--Nicholas and Daddy cuddling, my favorite thing to see every afternoon!

Short & Sweet

2010-04-12T20:58:00.002-04:00

This is my short and sweet birth story for anyone who wants to know what happened but doesnt want to read all about placenta and afterbirth :-)

Monday March 1st-
9:45pm- Cervadil inserted to begin ripening my cervix- I was 1-2cm, 50% effaced and -1 station
10:00pm-membranes stripped which caused mild contractions and back pain

Tues March 2nd-
9:30am- removed cervadil 2cm, 70% effaced and -1 station
11:00am- started Pitocin on lowest dose (2)
3:00pm- Checked again, Pitocin dose was now at 20 (highest dose), still no regular contractions, continued back pain, membranes stripped again
3:30pm- got into birthing tub, contractions were now regular and strong 1min long 2 mins apart(meaning 1 minute break between each 1 minute long contraction)
6:00pm- Devon (my doula/sister) left briefly, I got out of the birthing tub, contractions were still 1 min long, 2 mins apart
7:45pm- Devon returned, checked again-4cm, 70% effaced -1 station contractions still 2 mins apart 1 min long
8:15pm- got in birth tub again, really strong contractions starting to get closer together
9:45pm- checked again still 4cm, 70% effaced
10:00pm- recieved Nubaine shot for pain management, contractions were now non-stop with no break in between each contraction
11:10pm- sat up to begin getting an Epidural
11:30pm- Epidural was placed--it takes 20-30 mins for the meds to begin working, still 4cm, 70% effaced
11:52pm- Checked again I was now 7-8cm and my midwife broke my water
11:56pm- checked again I was now 10cm, 100% effaced ready to go

Wed March 3rd-
12:02am- began pushing, I pushed 7 times, reached down and felt his head
12:13am- Nicholas is born!!

My Birth Story

2010-04-12T20:55:00.002-04:00

***THIS IS THE LONG VERSION MY NEXT POST WILL BE THE CONDENSED "BARE BONES" DETAILS FOR ANYONE WHO DOESNT WANT TO READ THIS NOVEL***

Nicholas James Glenn
Born 3/3/2010 at 12:13am
3lbs 6.9oz & 15.5 inches long

**Words of caution: this birth story does contain medical phrases, body parts, etc. so if this makes you uncomfortable—don’t read haha**

I don’t know where to even begin in my birth story with Nicholas—my pregnancy was anything but easy with my experiences with hyperemesis gravidarum during weeks 5-16 of my pregnancy. My hyperemesis caused me to be on modified bed rest with 24/7 IV hydration, a zofran pump and home health care. I thankfully was given a “break” from all the crazy medical stuff during weeks 16-28—during this time I only had moderate nausea/vomiting, mild weight loss and was able to be active (meaning no bed rest, no IV pole, etc.) During this break we found that Nicholas was small for his gestational age and we were monitored closely—unfortunately his growth continued to drop lower and lower and at 28 weeks he was officially diagnosed with IUGR (intrauterine growth restriction) and I was admitted to Good Samaritan Hospital to be on strict bed rest. From weeks 28-37 I was on strict bed rest at the hospital and then was scheduled to be induced at 37 weeks (which is medically considered full term). At Nicholas’ last ultrasound (on Feb 16th) they guessed his weight to be 3lbs 7oz. and my induction was scheduled for two weeks later.

While I was on bed rest my prenatal care was transferred to the Maternal Fetal Medicine doctors at Good Sam which work with high-risk moms but thankfully we made it to full term and I was able to be transferred back to my midwives for my delivery. My induction began on Monday, March 1st. To start the induction they used a medication called cervadil-this works to ripen and thin out the cervix and prepare it for dilation and labor. I was originally going to be administered this at 9pm and stay on the special care OB floor (where I had been for the past 2 months). But since the midwives had no idea how my body or Nicholas would react to the cervadil they decided to go ahead and move me to the labor and delivery suite in case of an emergency. Devon (my sister and doula) and Donnie were with me as we packed up my room and headed over to L&D. I was really excited and wanting to get things going—I was so ready to meet my baby and to be that much closer to being off bed rest! They let me walk to L&D (which I hadn’t been allowed to do for 9 weeks!) When we got to L&D, my midwife Sue, explained the cervadil to me and put it in. Going into this induction I knew that there was a very high chance that my delivery would result in an emergency c-section as IUGR babies often don’t react well to labor. Donnie and I were really hoping to avoid a c-section, but we knew that the chances of having a successful vaginal delivery, let alone a med-free (pain med free) vaginal delivery were very slim. I had been praying that my body had naturally started to prepare itself for labor despite it being 3 weeks before my due date—when Sue checked me before putting the Cervadil in I was 1-2cm, 50% effaced and -1 station! I was so happy because I knew starting out at this point my chances of a successful induction were increased.

So at 10pm on Monday night the Cervadil was inserted (and Sue stripped my membranes which is often done to help jumpstart labor also) and I was given an ambien to help me sleep through the night (knowing that the plan was to start pitocin in the morning). At this point Devon went home, planning on coming back early the next morning—cervadil is a 12 hour long medication that sometimes needs to be administered more than once before it works. I could tell that it was working somewhat that night because I wasn’t able to sleep at all because it started very mild contractions and a lot of bad back pain (which was a foreshadowing to really bad back labor).

In the morning Sue’s shift was over and Kim, a different midwife, took over. At this point Devon came back and my other sister Kate came to work and was assigned me as a patient—having my sisters there as support made a HUGE difference in my labor experience and I will be forever grateful for their encouragement, support and love. At 9:30am Kim came and removed my cervadil and checked me again—I was at a solid 2cms of dilation, 70% effaced and -1 station—so some progress had been made but not much, but enough to start the Pitocin. Pitocin is a synthetic form of oxytocin which causes your body to contract. I was scared to start the Pit because it is known for causing really strong contractions and for making pain-med free labors much more difficult. I was still really hopeful on remaining pain-med free at this point. Kate begrudgingly started my pitocin (we joked that she had to be the ‘bad sister’—always coming to up my pitocin dosage to make stronger contractions while Devon got to be the ‘good sister’ who just sat and comforted me haha) So at 11am the pitocin was started on the lowest dose (2)—it could be increased up to the highest dose of 20. Unfortunately being on the lowest dose- it didn’t cause contractions so Kate had to continually up the dosage. During this time I walked the halls hoping that contractions would start, I had to be on the fetal monitor the entire time I was in labor (they put me on the monitors from the time they started the cervadil the night before) With Nicholas being so small and me having an anterior placenta the monitors did not like to stay on him. I had a difficult time finding positions that would allow him to stay on the monitor the entire time. By 3pm, Kim checked me again and I was at 3-4cm, 70% effaced and still -1 station. Kim also stripped my membranes again (which caused some contractions the last time it was done) Kate had the pitocin turned up to the maximum dose and this was when my labor really started. With the pitocin being so high when I started having contractions they were hard and close together—1 minute long, 2 minutes apart. I essentially would have a minute of rest between the contractions.

At this point I was still in early labor, I was excited that the contractions had actually started (even though they were really intense and close together). I was able to use my Bradley relaxation techniques to help with the pain. Devon and Donnie both encouraged me to breathe through each contraction, relax my entire body and just take one contraction at a time. I was still talking, joking, etc. at this point (a clear sign of early labor despite the close contractions). At 3:30pm Kate had the birthing tub brought into my room and I got into that. The birthing tub was a complete lifesaver for me! It dramatically helped my contractions (which were close and also in my back which was really painful). I labored in the tub until about 6pm. During this time I started to get a little more serious, not talking as much, but still managing fine. At 6pm, Devon left to briefly go home to put her son to bed (knowing I was still in early labor and it was going to be a while). I also got out of the tub at 6pm which was horrible. It was much more difficult to handle my contractions but I wanted to try some different positions to get him moving and to keep my labor going. At this point the contractions were intense but the minute long break between each contraction was enough to keep them manageable. I even joked that I didn’t understand why women get epidurals (haha this would come to bite me in the butt) having the break in between each one made it so that I was able to rest and prepare for the next one. At around 7:30pm Devon came back and at 7:45pm I was checked again. At this point the contractions were starting to get much more difficult and seemed to be closer together. When I was checked this time I was at 4cm, 70% effaced and still -1 station. This is when things began to get tough—the contractions were really intense in my back and the exhaustion of being up for over 24hours was kicking in. I was no longer joking, talking, etc. I could tell I was definitely in labor and moving through the stages (which is a good thing—not so fun when you’re in the moment though). At around 8:15pm I got into the birthing tub again hoping for the relief it provided last time—this time it didn’t help as much, the contractions started to get closer together and the breaks in-between seemed shorter and shorter. The breaks in between were shorter, my body (which coming into this labor was already worn down from 2 months of bed rest—my muscles were much weaker because of the lack of movement and my stamina was waning). I felt like I got the short end of the stick at this point—because of the bed rest I was weaker than normal, I hadn’t slept well in basically 2 months and I started to feel like I wouldn’t be able to manage much longer. I was convinced that I had to be farther along, the pressure was incredibly low and I was sure that I had to be close to transition since my contractions were non-stop.

This is when I began to ask for meds. I was so physically tired, my body did not want to cooperate and I was feeling desperate. I had been having intense, close together contractions for the past 6 hours and physically I knew I was close to the end of my rope. I got out of the tub at 9:45pm and was checked again. I could see the disappointment in Kim’s face when I asked how far along I was, surely I had progressed in the last 3 hours. I was still only 4cm dilated but I was about 80% effaced and he was as low as he could get. I didn’t understand how my body could be having these intense contractions with no break but not be further along. I was convinced that I was going to be in labor for at least a whole more night which I knew physically I wouldn’t be able to do. I needed rest and a break but it wasn’t going to happen. We discussed with Kim some of my pain management options—I was strongly against getting an epidural going into this but I also knew that I wasn’t progressing well on my own, the pitocin was at its highest dose and I was also scared that the longer I was in labor the higher chance there was that Nicholas would begin to be in distress from the intense contractions. Kim suggested we try Nubain—Nubain is supposed to promote rest and lessen the pain perception (basically make the pain more manageable). We decided to try this before going for an epidural. Now this is when it gets debatable. Everyone in the room says the Nubain had a dramatic effect on me but I felt like it did nothing. I still felt every contraction only the Nubain made me feel completely out of it. I felt like I was out of body—I was aware of what everyone was doing around me (Devon was reading a book and eating an apple, Donnie was trying to rest himself, Kate was watching the monitors, etc.) but I couldn’t interact at all—I felt each contraction and was able to moan in pain but I didn’t feel able to move my body, etc. It was not the relief I was hoping for and my contractions were one right after the next with no break. At around 10:40pm, the Nubain was wearing off enough that I told Donnie I really needed the epidural, we asked everyone to leave the room and we talked about it for a while and decided that if I was going to physically be able to handle a vaginal delivery the only way for me to do so was by getting an epidural. (Side note: Kate said that while she was in the hall w/ Kim waiting for our decision Kim was really hoping I would get the epidural because she knew I probably needed it to relax enough to continue progressing)

Kate and Kim called the anesthesiologist and he came at 11:00pm. I was not scared of the epidural but I was terrified that I wouldn’t be able to sit still enough (through my constant contractions) to have him place the epidural. I just remember leaning forward onto Kate’s shoulder sobbing—I was getting an epidural which I was so against but my labor needed it. I remember Krissy (my other sister) telling me before I was induced that it was really helpful for her to remember that God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. I just prayed—God I know I can’t handle anymore, please make this stop. I was somehow mentally able to force myself to sit still and relax while he was placing the epidural. I think during the 30 minutes it took for him to place the epidural I was relaxed enough to begin progressing.

By 11:30 the epidural was placed, I sat back and Kate started the meds (which take 20-30 minutes to begin working). This is when things started to get exciting—Kim checked me again at 11:52 because I was feeling kind of like I needed to push and I had other signposts that delivery was impending (bloody show, incredible pressure really low, etc.) When she checked me at 11:52 I had gone from 4cm to 7-8cm and at this point Kim decided it would be best to break my water in hopes that it would further progress things and my bag of water had been bulging for the past 6 hours or so. Apparently my bag of water was pretty strong because Kim said usually when its that bulging she can break it with just a prick of her finger but that didn’t work so she broke it using the hook. The sensation of my water breaking was crazy feeling and totally not what I was thinking it would feel like (earlier around 8:30 or so when I was in the tub I thought my water had broken or that I was having a slow leak—I now know that I would definitely be able to tell if my water had broken).

At 11:56 Kim checked me again and within 4 minutes I had gone from 7cm to 10cm and complete!! It was time to start pushing! At this point Nicholas had a few decelerations and things were moving pretty quickly—they put the oxygen mask on me to just help get even more oxygen to Nicholas (he was still doing pretty well but they weren’t sure how the next part of my delivery would go so they wanted to give me O2 just in case). I started pushing at 12:02—During all of this the epidural still hadn’t kicked in! My toes were a little tingly but I was still able to move my legs, reposition myself, etc. I was holding my legs with Kate holding one foot and Donnie holding the other with Devon up by my head. Kim said I could push whenever I felt the urge to which was basically immediately. I started pushing with Kate calmly counting for me (she is so good at her job and I totally want her to be my nurse for every delivery in the future!!) Pushing felt completely natural and I was so excited and ready to meet Nicholas that I just wanted to push and push until he came but Kim wanted me to slow down a little bit. She wanted me to use the momentum of each contraction—what she didn’t realize (since the monitors had never really showed my contractions very well) was that I was constantly contracting at this point with no break in between so I just kept pushing. To be sure Kate checked my abdomen and sure enough I was contracting a lot! With every push Kate, Donnie, Devon and Kim were all watching what was going on—they all were really encouraging and got really excited with each push (“you are pushing so well! Keep doing that!” there eyes all got wide each time I pushed and I was sure he was almost out!) At this point Kim asked me if I wanted to feel my baby so I reached down and touched the top of his head! I am SO glad I did this—it is such a surreal feeling to touch your baby while he is still inside of you! Kim finally told me that he was basically out and to push more controlled and less quickly and I felt Nicholas come out—they put him on my belly (he had a really short umbilical cord only about 12 inches long) He was so tiny and warm and covered in vernix. At this point Donnie cut the cord quickly and they rushed him over to the isolette where there was a team waiting—up until this point the doctors had expected at least a month long stay in the NICU for him if not longer—only weeks before I had a consultation with the NICU dr’s who were talking survival rates with me depending on his size. Nicholas was so small and I kept waiting to hear that he was okay. I was so thankful he was born and I just couldn’t stop saying “Thank you God!” over and over—I told Donnie to go over to Nicholas and at this point I realized that nobody’s voices sounded rushed, nervous, etc. Everyone sounded positive, happy, and surprised! At this point they brought Nicholas over to me—I was shocked—my baby wasn’t being rushed to the NICU, he didn’t have tubes in him already, my child was being handed to me for the first time! I just remember sobbing and holding him and not wanting to let go—I was sure that he would have needed more medical attention but he didn’t and he was wrapped up in my arms! I held him for a few minutes then they took him back to recheck his temps, make sure his vitals were okay, etc. He scored an 8 and a 9 on his APGARS and was perfectly healthy!

I watched the surprised nurses work on him and monitor him as I delivered the afterbirth and while Kim gave me the 1 stitch I ended up needing. I came to realize that everyone’s eyes were wide while I was pushing because with each push he wasn’t just “crowning” but his whole head was pretty much coming out! Kate said with each push they thought that it would be the one to deliver him—I only pushed 7 times and Nicholas was born! I have never known what true relief felt like until I held my perfectly health 3lb 6.9oz baby—he is a complete miracle! Doctors still cant explain and have no reasoning behind how and why he is so small but healthy—the reasoning behind it is prayer! I 100% belief that Nicholas is a miracle and that my merciful and miraculous God chose to use Nicholas as a reminder of his power and might! Nicholas is a daily reminder to me of what the Lord is capable of, a reminder of the power of prayer and a reminder that God is so good and faithful! I couldn’t have asked for a better birth experience and I was so blessed! Donnie was amazing as a birth support, Devon was spectacular as a birth coach (I couldn’t have done it without her—Donnie was there to encourage and help and Devon was there to keep my going she was amazing!) Kate was the best L&D nurse ever, I truly can see that the Lord had a special purpose in making Katie a L&D nurse she was such a loving support and my midwife was calm, respectful and caring! I felt 100% supported and loved through the entire experience and Nicholas is basically the best thing ever!

1 month update

2010-04-12T12:56:00.003-04:00

I am going to attempt to write a blog post and actually finish it—see in the month since my last post I have sat down and attempted numerous times to update about Nicholas, each time it ends in a crying baby or me being side tracked by something more important I should be doing (i.e. laundry, dishes, etc.)

So now as I sit here with my little one snuggled up in the moby *fast asleep* (please don’t jinx myself! Please don’t jinx myself!) I am going to update on my first month as a mom (and eventually I would like to post my birth story but seeing as I started typing it out for my own records and it was roughly 4 pages long I *may* need to write a condensed version for on here—plus I doubt you all want the details anyway)

Birth stats:
3lbs 6oz, 15.5 inches long

1 month stats:
4lbs 9oz, 17.5 inches long—he is still not on the charts (with the exception of his head circumference which was in the 2nd percentile haha) but I love love love my little peanut- I feel like he is becoming more “baby” and less “newborn” everyday. Things have been relatively easy I would say. The first two weeks were kinda rough mainly because of feeding issues. Nicholas doesn’t have any issues eating but its more trying to find the best way for him to get food. With him being as small as he is nursing was originally out of the question—we attempted (even with a shield) and got nowhere (which I expected). I rented a hospital grade pump and was pumping and bottle feeding every 2-3 hours which basically made me want to die haha I hated pumping and after being in a hospital room for 2 months and feeling trapped there I very much felt trapped/tethered by my pump…I felt like it was making things impossible for me and I felt very just…bleh I don’t know how to explain it but I am sure any other mom who has had to exclusively pump can relate to those feelings that occur in the first few weeks. So in the first 2 weeks he was home it was more an issue of me crying every night when I had to wake up and pump and bottle feed—I have been so blessed though to have a completely supportive and encouraging husband! He would wake up in the middle of the nights to give Nicholas a bottle while I pumped or he would go get my pump parts ready so I didn’t have to get out of bed—he is basically amazing!

But after those initial 2 weeks I became sort of resigned to my position of milk-machine but I was still hopeful to be able to get away from the pumping and transition to nursing—so I met w/ a lactation consultant, we tried a variety of things such as supplemental nursing systems (SNS), modifying my pumping schedule and I even tried nursing! He is able to nurse but because of his size he gets tuckered out pretty quickly and wont get a full feeding and when he does get a full feeding it uses so much energy that it kind of eliminates half the calories he just consumed (and at less than 5 lbs he needs all the calories he can get!) So the past 5 and a half weeks have been spent w/ me trying different feeding techniques which include: pumping and bottle feeding every 2-3hours, SNS and bottle feeding, SNS and feeding, combo bottle feeding and nursing, exclusively nursing on-demand and weighing him throughout each nursing session to watch his intake, exclusively nursing on-demand w/ no weighing—the first time I attempted this I got 2 days in and ended up w/ plugged ducts and mastitis which definitely knocked me on my butt for a good 4-5 days but I got to experience what its like to be sick while having to still care for a baby and through God’s good grace I got through it and it wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be.

Other than the ridiculous amount of time I’ve spent stressing over how to get my milk to my baby, I’ve really enjoyed being a mommy. I love the bond I already have with Nicholas and nothing beats the feeling of being able to just lie in bed and snuggle with a sweet smelling newborn! Nicholas is a very good natured baby and is in general pretty content—he has been a great sleeper too! After the first 2 weeks he started sleeping in 4 hour stretches and now he will give us a 6 hour stretch a couple of times a week! He is becoming a lot more alert and really enjoys bath time, walks in the neighborhood, dancing around the house w/ mommy (in the moby of course) and co-sleeping in the morning w/ mommy after daddy has left for work (shh! Don’t tell Donnie about our little ritual after he leaves—it involves sleeping in bed together and then watching Regis and Kelly haha)

So my sweet little boys first month has come and gone and I am so sad that it went by fast but I am thoroughly enjoying him changing everyday—God has blessed our family so much, every time I feel frustrated I just stop myself and look at him…I mean really look at him and I’m reminded of how much of a true miracle he is—I am reminded of the faithfulness of God, of God’s sovereignty, of God’s grace and mercy and I am astounded still to think that this sweet baby boy was just a single cell 10 months ago—its amazing! And as always God is just SO GOOD!

such an amazing God

2010-03-08T20:18:00.002-05:00

So I have been needing to update since Nicholas was born but I've been busy to say the least haha even now I am still in so much shock and happiness and just overwhelmed with how things have ended up that I dont know if I am even quite ready to write about my experience

But I do want to say that I have been more blessed by my pregnancy experience and labor/delivery experience than I ever thought possible--I have come to know God on such a more intimate level through all this, when I look in my baby's eyes I see the sheer strength of my God--He created this life, He sustained me, He grew Nicholas and He held us in his hand through it all

Nicholas was born at 3lbs 6.9 oz., 15.5 inches long on Wed March 3 at 12:13am--my induction began on March 1st at 9:30pm (I am working on my birth story but am still a little too emotional to get it finished lol) Nicholas scored an amazing 8 and 9 on his APGARS and came out of the womb able to regulate his own temperature, breathe on his own, cry, etc. He was 100% healthy and amazing--despite his incredibly small size he is making such incredible strides!

God has truly done a miracle in my sons life!

I will update with more details, pictures, etc. once I finally am out of my emotional, foggy-mommy brain...and yes, I know that this foggy-mommy brain can last quite some time but I promise details ARE coming

back to the beginning

2010-02-27T23:28:00.002-05:00

I started off doing these surveys weekly but stopped when things started to get tough and I ended up in here so I figured I needed to do at least one more for my memory's sake :-)

How far along: 36 weeks 5 days pregnant

Total weight gain: I have officially reached my pre-pregnancy weight! I am actually 1lb over!! In the last 5 weeks I gained 7 lbs!! That is huge for me--but its great because LB has grown too and I can definitely see a change in my belly size

Maternity clothes: Yup, still rockin the maternity shirts--Im glad all the maternity shirts were so casual and comfy--but since my belly has decided (in the last 2 weeks) get bigger I've found that all my shirts are getting too short even w/ my small belly! Good to know for next time if I have a normal sized belly and go 40 weeks these shirts wont make it! Luckily for this time around I only need them to last me another 2 days!

Sleep: The ambien works like a charm... I am turning from side to side because my hips get sore and there isnt much matress padding but I am sleeping moderately well and I have been taking some pain meds to help w/ my back which really help my sleep be more restful which is whats important--it doesnt matter if you can sleep 12 hours if they arent 12 hours of restful sleep--but I'm doing okay now

Best moment this week: It was great to go home on a 4 hour pass to finish up the odds and ends on the nursery--my "nesting" desire has been fulfilled, and I really enjoyed small group this week- We are going over the gospel of John and Ive read it numerous times but its just so fresh and new this time--everyone has such great perspective and ideas, I am learning alot and feel like our small group has a great cohesion

Food cravings: Surprisingly I havent had any real cravings lately--oh wait I take that back--I crave chili cheese burritos from Taco Bell (chilito anyone?) Yes gross I know but they taste so good and reheat so easily mmmm that and turkey lunchmeat sandwiches which are a staple of the pregnancy diet

Labor signs: I have much more frequent braxton hicks contractions that are getting stronger, I can definitely feel my uterus clenching up and slowly relaxing and Ive had some contractions (that are a min- a min and a half) that I dont feel but they show up on the monitor--right now I have what they call an "irritable" uterus--means you have some contractions but not consistently and they arent strong contractions

Belly Button: still an innie and will always be an innie I think--but I feel like it shows through every shirt I wear now

What I miss the most: being able to leave--I miss just mundane regular life, sleeping in bed w/ my husband, cooking in my kitchen, being able to clean my own house, organize the baby's room, etc. What we consider regular/normal life now will never be that again--as of Tues. March 2nd our normal will be radically changed. (or maybe March 3rd...or 4th heaven forbid!!)

What am I looking forward to the most: meeting my child--I cant wait to just look in his eyes and know him and feel attached to him and be able to comfort him and learn him (what he likes/dislikes, his personality, his facial expressions, his cries). I cant wait to snuggle him, feed him, change his little diapered hiney, I just want him to be here! I am so excited to be a family of 3!!!

Milestones: As of this upcoming tues. I will officially be considered full-term-- I didnt think I would make it here but praise God I did! I have all of LB's stuff packed in his diaper bag, carseat is being installed in the car tomorrow, I have my labor and delivery stuff prepared--we are GOOD TO GO!

It hasnt hit me yet about what is about to happen to our family--but I will write more about that probably tomorrow and monday. The plan for the time being is that Judy and Pam will be recieving any and all updates and they will be passing the info on to other siblings, family members, friends, etc. We dont really think we need visitors because it is going to be a long process so Donnie and I have decided that we will just keep you updated about what the medical plan is (i.e.- they put the cervadil in, now theyre starting pitocin, now shes having contractions and active labor has begun, etc. ) well my ambien is kicking in hard core so before I sound like a babbling idiot I will stop blogging for tonight

edit to previous post

2010-02-25T16:06:00.002-05:00

In reading back over my previous post I wanted to clarify when I say I'm not 100% sure I will be coming home w/ a baby I mean I dont know how long or if he will be in NICU after delivery--I know he will be okay just might need a little help in the beginning! Or he will be a little fighter and be able to come home when I am discharged (ahhh discharge day--how glorious!)

pictures galore

2010-02-25T15:03:00.005-05:00

So I wanted to do a quick update and mainly post a bunch of pictures :-) Since I wrote last I have been able to go home 3 times for 4 hours at a time--realistically it ends up being 3 hours because we spend roughly an hour getting me from my hospital room to home and back again but I enjoy it nonetheless! I have been in full out "nesting" mode and it has been killing me that I cant really do much to prepare (and for anyone that knows me I thrive in organization and planning) So its definitely been a struggle and knowing that LB will be here SO SOON (less than a week!!!!!) it has really hit me...as I was leaving our house after my pass yesterday it occured to me...the next time I go home, I wont be pregnant anymore. I would LOVE to be able to say that the next time I go home, I will have a baby but at this point I'm not 100% sure how accurate that would be (but I am pretty darn hopeful!)

Speaking of bringing LB home (sidenote: isnt it going to be so weird once he has a real name? haha I'm thinking LB might stick around longer than we realized) I have picked his "coming home outfits"--Since we dont know what size he will be I have a variety of "sizes" picked. As you can see in the pic below I have x-small, small, medium and large--The middle two outfits only differ in size a tiny bit but the ridiculous thing is--these are all marked as "preemie" size!! You can now see my sizing woes in trying to organize--surely if the far left is a true preemie size the far right cant be too?

And I really didnt feel like the pictures did these outfits justice in how tiny they outfits really are--so for a size comparison this is the "x-small" outfit as compared to my hand--uhm yes! it is that tiny and precious!

Some other fun things that have been going on--Kelly, my amazing sister-in-law came and took some beautiful maternity pictures for me..We had talked about her doing some earlier in my pregnancy but we wanted to wait until my belly got bigger--wellll that didnt happen then I ended up in the hospital. So on the 15th Kelly came to the hospital, we hung black sheet and she took these awesome pics for me! If you remember they originally "thought" (cough..liars..cough) I was going to be induced on the 16th so we figured these would be my last belly pics ever--not so much since here I am 10 days later lol But Kel is an amazing photographer and I will definitely cherish these pics because even though this pregnancy has been "hard" I havent hated being pregnant--I have loved getting a belly, feeling him move, watching things change as he grew--so looking at these makes me feel happy and positive about pregnancy :-)

On my passes home I have attempted to "nest" to the best of my bedresting abilities lol This basically means I spent alot of time sitting in the recliner in the nursery watching Donnie do things, or sitting on our guest bed sorting through baby shower presents (which we have been SO incredibly blessed in recieving everything we could possibly need--We have the best friends and family! thank you all so much!!!) And let me tell you--sorting baby clothes isnt fun...especially when the sizing can be dramatically different depending on the brand. Either way we got the majority of the nursery put together! (thanks in help to Pat who has so lovingly run errands for Donnie and I so we could use my time home to get the most done!) These are some pics of the nursery so far (please ignore any random trash, pieces of wood or missing drawers haha these will eventually be gone before LB comes home...I hope)

This is the changing table/dresser combo, the changing pad will go in front of the cloth wall hanging (which is actually part of the crib bumper)

With the help of a good friend, we turned the crib bumper into matching window valences (we chose not to use the bumpers in the crib because of some safety issues--and I think they are much cuter as valences)

This is my favorite corner of the room haha I cant wait to sit in the recliner w/ LB and read to him--ahh the mushy sentimental pregnancy side of me is coming out--but seriously I have all my stories lined up & ready to go :-)

This is his crib--and yes we will raise it to be at the appropriate level (not that he will be sleeping in here anytime soon)

And this is what you see when you look in the door--we are still waiting on 1 piece of furniture to come in--we ordered a natural wood toy chest to go under one of the windows for storage but other than that its mostly finished!

There are more pics of the nursery posted on my facebook page as well--so now for the fun part...since we roughly "know" when LB will be here I thought it would be fun to make some guesses on specifics, so knowing that they will begin my induction at 9pm on Monday March 1st (this can be a short or very long process) let me know:

1. What date he will be born on?

2. What time?

3. How much will he weigh?

4. How long will he be?

maybe there will be a special prize for whoever is closest?? (wink wink) sidenote: there will probably be no prize :-/ haha I will keep you all updated with how things go and who knows--maybe my next post will be pictures galore of LB!!

no backsies!

2010-02-18T23:52:00.004-05:00

My induction is on the schedule to begin Mon, March 1st at 9pm!! and NO BACKSIES this time! Its the final countdown!! (Please enjoy video and lyrics haha--particularly the guitar solo)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qQwuU6Bumg4

and Yes--this song will be playing in my head on repeat for the next week and a half :-) yay for LB making his appearance!!!

so clearly...there is no baby today

2010-02-16T17:29:00.003-05:00

So last Friday my dr's came in and told me that they were putting me to be on the schedule to be induced today--they figured that the baby wouldnt have grown a good amount, they wanted the doppler flow to be below 3 and they wanted the amniotic fluid level to be above 5

I really thought they were going to induce me--ya know, since they were putting me on the schedule for induction but in the back of my mind I was still doubtful being as they have told me every time that they were going to induce me but this time it seemed more real, it as put in their dr's notes, on the schedule, etc. But all this was still pending on the ultrasound results

I had my ultrasound this morning at 9am--Little Buddy is proving to be quite the little grower! He went from 2lbs 12oz. to 3lbs 7oz! So in the past 4 weeks he has grown over 20oz! That is great, the dr's were shocked, every nurse I have had has said that they are shocked Ive made it this far, etc. But since his growth was good, the doppler flow was down to 3.1 (which is close enough to 3) and the fluid level is far over 5 they were going to let me go another 2 weeks

I'm not gunna lie, I was devastated--full on sobbing, freaking out on the phone to Donnie about how I cant handle it, etc. I cried to the dr. (Dr.Lambers), I cried to the nurses, I cried to the ladies giving me a pedicure haha I was just really really bummed--to be that close to an end and then have it not happen...Yes I was excited about his growth but at the same time I felt like "While he has grown he is still small--its not like this growth has put us 'out of the woods' as far as problems go" (Can we talk about a bad attitude to have?!) I vented on the phone to my sister, my mom, Donnie, and basically was hysterical thinking about 2 more weeks...the Dr could tell I was obviously at my breaking point so she offered some options for me to chose from:

Option #1:
Go home...what?! did I say go home?! thats right, go home...now for this option the problem is that I am currently getting 2 non-stress tests(NST) a day, if I went home I would be just as restricted as I am now and would need someone to drive me back here everyday for a NST, and the bigger problem is based on the Seton Center hours I would only be able to get 1 NST a day instead of the 2 I am having now which is obviously what they think is best...for this option also I would have to be re-admitted during the weekends b/c the Seton Center is completely closed so the only way to be monitored on Sat & Sun would be to either be readmitted or go to L&D triage (which is expensive as far as insurance)--so basically if I went home it wouldnt be against medical advice or anything but it would be going against what the dr's recommend as their usual course of treatment---while the possibility of going home is SO STINKIN appealing I know that I need to be smart and logical and do whats best for Little Buddy and right now thats being here--plus if something were to go wrong I dont want the guilt of feeling like it was my decision that compromised my child's health--Id rather be able to blame the dr's :-) ha!

Option#2:
They were looking into the possiblity of a home health company to be able to get a NST machine out at my house--they thought they knew of a company that did this...a little company called, Alere--(yup thats right, the same company that did my IV stuff, the same company we JUST paid in full for last year haha) This seemed like the BEST option, being at home and still having twice daily NST's--but unfortunately they dont offer this service, they will come twice a week to do them but obviously I need it everyday so this option ended up not really an option

Option#3:
Reducing some of my hospital restrictions so I could walk around a little maybe and offering me day passes to leave! Now my concern for this option is that if I am able to leave for a few hours during the day I was worried I would feel like I was on a "break" from bedrest and I would be too tempted to be active, etc. Plus I wasnt sure how often I would be allowed these day passes and if they would even help my sanity or if they would just be a little taste of what I was missing

Well Donnie and I finally talked, which is why it took me so long to post this, and we picked showcase #3 (I mean, option 3 ;-)--I sometimes do feel like I am on the Price is Right as far as LB's weight and induction haha--Bob, I bet 1lb!) I digress, but yea so we picked #3 and decided to help squelch my temptation to be active I need to be out on my day pass when Donnie is around so we are going to use the day passes as evening passes--my 1st one being tomorrow! So I get to go home, EAT DINNER IN MY OWN HOUSE, REST IN MY OWN BED (where I can actually cuddle w/ my husband), I can sit in the glider in the nursery and boss Donnie around about where to put what decorations and I can just be HOME!! Granted I will have to come back that evening but still I think this will be very, very helpful! I will get to do this 1 more time this weekend and 1 more time next week. The dr said she wishes that she could give me a pass to go home everyday but if she did that then the insurance company would start to question "if she can go home everyday for 4 hours, why isnt she just at home on bedrest?" (which makes sense) and I honestly think even just going home these 3 times will make the next 2 weeks go by much faster!

So in even better news: they arent going to do another growth scan--no more waiting game, no matter what, I WILL BE INDUCED MARCH 2ND! (this is so helpful as far as planning) ANDDDDD even better--my Midwives are taking me back as a patient!! They are going to be doing my induction (as far as everything goes smoothly they will do my delivery, if need be I will have the high-risk dr's as backups) I feel like the cheesy saying: God answers prayers in 1 of 3 ways: yes, no, or wait...apparently He just wanted me to wait (which I am getting quite good at)

And to end the post in an even more positive/fun note: I had a really great "God moment" today...so I was really upset, sobbing on the phone to my mom about how I cant do it anymore, its too hard, etc. Well as soon as I got off the phone the ladies came to get me to take me to get a pedicure...so they wheel me to the little lobby, with me still having tears in my eyes about my "sad news" and when I get in the room they always have a little radio playing...normally this is tuned to some awful station like KISS 107.1 (what most patients like) but TODAY it was tuned to 93.3 (which I obviously MUCH prefer--for those not in Cincy this is a Christian station) and literally as soon as I got in the room one of my favorite songs started: "Praise You in this Storm" by Casting Crowns

I was sure by now,
God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MUWbmtbzDno If youve never heard this song--listen to it! its great!)

Think God planned that? I do...I love Him! God is so good!

Lord, You have assigned me my portion...

2010-02-08T21:37:00.002-05:00

"Lord, You have assigned me my portion and my cup, and have made my lot secure" (Psalm 16:5)

So I have been in the hospital for going on 5 weeks now and sadly (and I am very ashamed to admit this) I have only read 1 book in its entirety :-( I am seriously embarassed to admit this because in general I am an avid reader--I really enjoy sitting down with a good book (even if it is just a trashy, easy read) and I always hated being in school having to spend time reading text books that were boring when I would rather be reading novels and having lengthy book discussions with friends (friends being Megan...yes, we were the nerds who would go to a bar, sip on a beer for an hour and discuss foreshadowing/symbolism/etc. haha sorry Meg! you have to admit it is a little nerdy) But for some reason I have really struggled in finding a book that has kept my attention since being in the hospital. The one book I read in full was My Sisters Keeper and I read that within the 1st day and a half of being here (and yes it is much better as a book than a movie).

I have tried a variety of books, from The Vampire Diaries (for those that dont know, I am quite Twilight obsessed so this is right up my alley haha) and I couldnt get through more than 100 pages, I have tried Vanishing Acts by Jodi Picoult (another one of my fav authors), I have tried reading a few books by Ted Dekker (I was given book 1 in his series, Sinner and really loved it and was so excited to get the next two but I for some reason cant get myself started). I have tried reading parenting books, biographies, silly girly books, pregnancy books, etc. I feel horrible like my brain is rotting, and I get annoyed with myself for being "bored" when I have a stack of books next to me! I dont know if I have just been to antsy, distracted, etc. that when I start reading my mind relaxes and just wanders to the real things I have been thinking about (baby, induction, etc.) But people keep bringing me books, which I genuinely want to read but just cant, until...

I was given a book by my mother in law, Keep A Quiet Heart by Elisabeth Elliot and was excited to start reading it (she said it was great) but I was also kind of thinking that this would be another great book to add to my stack of books I couldnt get into. But this past Sunday, after listening to a few online sermons, I kind of felt in the mood to read so I jumped on that and opened up this book--its great! I have been able to stick with it and read and it really touches on topics that I can relate with so well right now. I think it works great for me because it is a bunch of short "articles" (I dont know if they would even be considered articles) that are 1-3pages in length on a variety of topics but all relating back to the idea of a "quiet heart"...It works perfectly for me! It has wonderful scripture refrences, it is all Godly wonderful stories and it is in short doses--it helps me to take advantage of quieting my mind while I read, taking a break from everything I've been thinking and just being able to relax in my reading...I miss relaxing in my reading and her writing is so great because of what it focuses on! With articles entitled, "Do Not Forecast Grief", "A Lesson in Things Temporal", and "Lord, Please Remove my Dilemma" (how often do we feel this way?!)

" St. Augustine said, "The very pleasures of human life men aquire by difficulties". There are times when the entire arrangement of our existence is disrupted and we long then for just one ordinary day--seeing our ordinary life as greatly desirable, even wonderful, in light of the terrible disruption that has taken place. Difficulty opens our eyes to pleasures we had taken for granted"

All I am going to say is: I wish I had read this 3 months ago.

I feel like she is hitting on topics so close to home for me but is doing it in such a soft, gentle way that I dont feel crappy after reading it, like I am falling so short of how I should be responding to my situation. It is so simply put that I often think, hmm how come I didnt think of that? (like above, shouldnt it be obvious that we should view our 'ordinary lives' as desirable and wonderful?)

So the past few days I have been really focusing on the concept of a quiet heart.

"'Lord, You have assigned me my portion and my cup, and have made my lot secure' (psalm 16:5) I know no greater simplifier for all of life. Whatever happens is assigned. Does the Intellect balk at that? Can we say that there are things which happen to us which do not belong to our lovingly assigned 'portion' (this belongs to it, that does not?) Are some things, then, out of the control of the Almighty? Every assignment is measured and controlled for my eternal good. As I accept the portion given, other options are cancelled. Decisions become much easier, directions clearer, and hence my heart has become inexpressibly quieter"

Man, how peaceful does that sound! Just the sound of a "quiet heart" is appealing! I have found in just a few short days that by truly accepting my portion things have become much easier. I dont feel burdened as much by what decisions to make, I feel at peace with where things are going and sure enough, my heart HAS become inexpressibly quieter!

so THATS why I'm here

2010-02-04T12:11:00.002-05:00

So we finally got to talk to Dr.Brady last night (we hadnt seen a dr since the resident who told me the ultrasound results) and we got a few questions answered--so I obviously begged to go home, presented my case of why I wanted/thought I could manage strict bedrest at home, etc. I asked him what the chances of letting me go home were: none ha!

He said that the biggest reason that they are keeping me in the hospital is apparently IUGR baby's have increased rates of being stillborns--(I guess they didnt want to tell me this before as to not scare me) but he said that he has actually had patients who had all fine tests until one day they had a bad test and delivered the baby just in time--but they were able to catch it because they were doing the non-stress tests (NST's) twice daily...so at least I feel like I am doing something being here and that it is making a big difference even if it doesnt feel like it--knowing those risks I dont even want to go home now (if that makes any sense)

Dr.Brady also said that they will be inducing me if I make it to 37 weeks--at that point the benefits of delivery far outweigh the risks of keeping me pregnant--because 37 weeks if considered full term and I have recieved two rounds of steriod shots he said at that point they can pretty much do more on the outside than what I can do w/ the baby in...knowing this has really helped me have a better perspective on things. It is comforting to have a specific "end" in sight, it is awesome to think that I may actually make it to full term (they didnt seem to hopeful when I came in at 28 weeks) and I know that at MOST that means I only have 3 and half more weeks left of being here...strangely that is comforting to know! It makes it not seem as bad to be here and I think it takes alot of stress off of me about thinking about my next ultrasound because I know regardless of what my next ultrasound says the worst they can say is we are keeping you 2 more weeks but that will be IT! So while to some this may seem strange but to me it feels great and has helped my spirits some. A good friend sent me an exerpt from Trusting God by Jerry Bridges (great book!) and it really got me thinking:

"God does not willingly bring affliction or grief to us. He does not delight in causing us to experience pain or heartache. He always has a purpose for the grief He brings or allows to come into our lives. Most often we do not know what that purpose is, but it is enough to know that His infinite wisdom and perfect love have determined that the particular sorrow is best for us. God never wastes pain. He always uses it to accomplish His purpose. And His purpose is for His glory and our good. Therefore, we can trust Him when our hearts are aching or our bodies are racked with pain.
"Trusting God in the midst of our pain and heartache means that we accept it from Him. There is a vast difference between acceptance and either resignation or submission. We can resign ourselves to a difficult situation, simply because we see no other alternative. Many people do that all the time. Or we can submit to the sovereignty of God in our circumstances with a certain amount of reluctance. But to truly accept our pain and heartache has the connotation of willingness. An attitude of acceptance says that we trust God, that He loves us, and knows what is best for us."

I am glad that my friend sent me this, it gives me something to think about every day and is a good way for me to keep my attitude in check. Am I resigning myself, simply submitting or is my attitude one of willingness? I can honestly say that the past few days I have had an attitude of resignation and submission but NOT one of willingness. I never realized what my resigned attitude and submitting attitude was saying to the Lord. I let myself slip a little, forgetting that true acceptance is how I say that I trust the Lord and His plans and I really need to remember that He ALWAYS knows what is best for me.

the REAL update

2010-02-03T13:57:00.002-05:00

So I didnt update last night b/c we didnt get to talk w/ the dr until 9:30pm! It was ridiculous--(oh and of course as soon as Donnie went to get me potbelly's is when the dr decided to come and chat) but apparently none of the dr's communicated very well to realize that I hadnt talked w/ anyone yet so when one finally came it was a resident so that didnt help much b/c the residents cant really answer any questions definitively so she basically just came in to tell me that I would be here for another 2 weeks and that at that point they probably would be inducing me (keep in mind they have said that EVERY SINGLE TIME since Ive gotten here 4 weeks ago) ugh!

Little Buddy did grow! He was 2lbs 2oz at my last u/s (2 weeks ago) and as of yesterday he was 2lbs 12oz (overall he is the size of a 29 weeker) Which was great news! It feels so good to know that at least he is growing so whether the bed rest is helping or not we are doing something right so we are definitely excited and thankful and know that all the prayers we have been getting are definitely helping!

The sucky part is being here for 2 more weeks...I know logically that the longer he stays in the better its just so frustrating--I dont know if the dr's really realize how much it tugs at our emotions to be walking on eggshells waiting to be "induced" I would rather them not act like that is even going to happen than to be saying we are 90% sure that is going to happen and than it not, its like...how do we mentally prepare ourselves? We get ourselves all worked up, and pumped up and as prepared as possible for our son to come, and for the NICU stuff to start and for the c-section stuff...thannnn we find out we have to wait 2 more weeks while in the meantime everyday when they do tests I am on pins and needles, scared that the tests are going to show some horrible result I feel like I never get a break from the stress of worrying about him, wanting him here, wanting him to grow, etc.

Then to add to that the physical toll that bedrest plays which I think alot of my family/friends dont quite get--I am in such pain and stuff from not being able to move around, my PT said that the pain will probably not go away until I am allowed out of the hospital and resume regular range of motion and activity and its gotten to the point where the only way I sleep or get any pain relief is from medication that I feel so horrible taking because even though the dr. prescribes it I honestly dont feel comfortable w/ my baby being exposed to it--but at the same time I WONT make it through 2 more weeks of pain and sleeplessness w/o the meds--its such a catch 22

For me the biggest struggle right now w/ bedrest isnt being bored/stir crazy (while I do feel that way occasionally I have SO many activities to keep me occupied) its more the emotional toll that is getting harder and harder every day--like I said above the feeling of waiting on pins and needles, the mommy guilt I struggle w/ about taking meds that I am not comfortable w/, physical pain, and I really really REALLY REALLLY miss just being w/ my husband at home, being able to go to sleep w/ him in OUR bed, it really sucks to watch him leave every night and to be all alone after that--I cant imagine how it feels for people who have to leave their other kids at home, it breaks my heart just to not be w/ my husband...

I know that everyone has been asking how they can help, what they can bring, etc. For the time being I think I am at the point where I just need a little space, I dont know how to explain it because obviously I am by myself all day but I just... I dunno right now I just think having Donnie come see me is all I need and I will do my best to keep everyone updated but I probably wont be blogging as much, these next 2 weeks I think are going to be alot more difficult than the last 4 and I think I just need to process that with just Donnie at least for the time being (though I appreciate all the offers!) Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers, we really appreciate the care and concern and well wishes!

good news/bad news

2010-02-02T21:32:00.001-05:00

So I am not really in the mood to do a full update right now but I wanted to let family/friends who had been waiting to hear know what is going on at least for the time being

They have decided to let me go another 2 weeks--I'm super glad he is growing and has 2 more weeks to cook but I also am struggling right now with thinking about 2 more weeks stuck in the hospital

I will post more details tomorrow...thanks for all the thoughts and prayers!

its the final countdown....

2010-02-02T09:58:00.001-05:00

Hi everyone, I just wanted to post real quick and let you all know that the "big" ultrasound is scheduled for 1pm. I will update you this as soon as we know anything, hopefully it wont take as long to talk to the dr as it did before but rest assured you all will know as soon as we know! Prayers for patience and for us to put all our hopes in what God's will is for us, not for what we want. Thanks! Love you guys!

skinny lil chicken legs

2010-01-28T14:35:00.003-05:00

2 posts in 1 day--crazy I know! But honestly I havent had a ton to really post about...surprisingly by the 4th week of bedrest you are kinda tapped out w/ exciting news! haha Things are pretty mundane here at Good Sam-I've gotten into a pretty easy routine of eating, sleeping, showering and watching Lost on my computer haha Last night Donnie and I took another NICU tour (this time it was for Donnie since he missed the last one) and it was great! I will say it was a little better than last time simply because the nurse knew some better answers to my questions about carseats, pumping/feeding, etc. She was also very kind to ask alot of questions about where we were at and what our specific situation was--knowing how far along I am, that we have an IUGR baby she made to point out some things that would be more specific for when little buddy is born. We got to see a few babies that were close in size to what he will be which was helpful--let me tell you it is strange to look at a 1lb 13oz. preemie and think "wow! the baby inside of me is bigger than that!" and even to look at a 2lb 2oz. preemie and think "thats how big little buddy is right now! look at those arms and legs! thats what I feel punching/kicking me!"

I also got to see a baby what was intubated which I didnt see last time--this was good for me because I saw that it wasnt as scary/painful looking as I was expecting. For some reason I was just thinking about what an adult that is intubated looks like and it looks so rough and painful to have that huge tube down your throat I was sad and scared for little buddy but after seeing this preemie I realized "well duh, the intubation tube for a preemie is itty bitty"--like smaller than my IV tubing used to be--not so painful and scary looking so that was good to see. The nurse also gave me snoedel-Preemies are usually separated from their parents and kept on ventilators, heart monitors, and other medical equipment. Instead of being totally isolated from the touch of his parents, the baby in NICU can have the comfort and scent of his mother near him, slowly being released through the accompanying Snoedel, to ease the separation and continue the parent-to- baby bonding process.They are designed specifically to absorb and retain a mother’s (or father’s) scent (they are filled w/ lambs wool). Then when held or placed near a newborn or infant the scent is slowly released to comfort the baby, thus improving sleep. The nurse said they always give them to moms but when she went to look for one to show me another nurse told me they werent going to be giving them away for too much longer so they went ahead and gave me one in case they were out by the time I deliver. So nice!

Still no updates on what to expect for next week so for now we are just praying and working on preparing ourselves for what is next--I am still struggling some w/ letting go of some of my feelings of "missing out". I am so blessed to be pregnant, and to have made it this far--I need to keep that in perspective--some woman would give anything to trade positions with me right now--even w/ the sucky bedrest and other struggles. So really, I am BLESSED! But, I am sinful and I am human and I do feel sadness about some of this. I feel sadness that more than likely I wont get to experience what going into labor feels like, I feel sadness that I wont be able to share my labor stories w/ other moms and be able to relate to what contractions feel like, I am scared of what it will be like to go home w/o a baby--to leave my newborn in the care of strangers (though I know how loving the NICU nurses are and how big of a heart they have for these babies--I think to work somewhere like a NICU you definitely have to feel called to work with these precious little lives--so I feel confident in those nurses)...basically its just me working still on accepting God's plans and not my own...working on trusting in His sovereignty and knowing that there is purpose to ever experience--not just the ones that go "normally".

So this week has just been some mental preparation, sitting around, not too much going on--I did think in light of my post from earlier that I would put a few pics of what I am starring at all day, every day--I feel like I've moved in here! Seriously--

This is my bathroom door/the wall right in front of my bed, Donnie brought the circular picture frame from home and hung it on a pre-existing nail in the wall lol and Please note the BEAUTIFUL drawings I have recieved from my loving nephews: the one on the door is courtesy of Andrew and William and on the fridge is a painting done by William and a picture of a beautiful sunset done by John Patrick :-) I <3>

These are the baskets I keep within arms reach next to my bed: One is full of activity books, knitting, crafts, etc. and the other is full of food (candy, homemade muffins, apples, oranges, mints, chocolate, granola bars, peanut butter crackers, pretzels, etc.) I thought for sure after eating all this food that I would be a big fat fatty next time I got weighed but they weighed me this past Monday (it had been a month and a half since I last stepped on the scale) and I had only gained 1lb! I was shocked--completely and utterly shocked--but then I was saddened when I realized its from all my muscle deteriorating haha so while I havent "gained" I've definitely gotten, uhh, flabby :-( haha oh well I have being pregnant as an excuse so I will just go with that-but thanks again to everyone for all the generous gifts! It keeps me sane!

Lastly this to my right, next to the bathroom door--and yes those are CARDS lining the top of the shelves! I have recieved so many and LOVE getting them in the mail, Donnie brings me the mail everyday (including bills and junkmail which arent as fun) but there are also cards which I love! I am saving them all to put in a memory box for little buddy that will have a variety of things from my pregnancy--so he will get to look back and see how much you all loved him already! Also yes, that is gilmore girls and frasier dvds to keep me busy too :-)

And finally, this post wouldnt be complete without some presh pics of little buddy! This just might be, one of my favorite ultrasound pics so far--its of his leg (from knee down to his little 2 1/2 inch foot!) I love his skinny lil chicken leg! This picture just seems so vulnerable and little and uhh I cant wait to snuggle him!!!

This is another profile shot of his face--he is so cute already! Both of these pics were taken at a random ultrasound I had last Friday (it was just to check fluid, doppler flow and check for breathing motions--dont get too excited)

Pay it forward!

2010-01-28T14:16:00.002-05:00

Thank you to everyone for the huge outpouring of support! We have been so blessed, a huge thank you to (please forgive me if I am forgetting anyone here!):
Donna T. for the awesome gift basket
Hildy B. for the great gift bag full of goodies
The Sinclair Community College Child & Family Education Dept- the great gift basket
Amy S.-for the oh so tiny adorable preemie outfit and snuggy blankie and for taking the time to come and do my hair—the highlights look great!
Devon K. - for the great gift box—I’ve hung the pictures on my wall that the boys have done! Thank you also for all the support and listening to numerous crying phone calls late at night/during the day! Love you!
The New Hope Center ladies- For all the wonderful and uplifting cards
Dale, Donna & Crystal C. - thanks for the uplifting card and prayers
The anonymous card giver- you’re ridiculous cards are much enjoyed!
Our Grace Fellowship Family- thank you so much for all the supportive and uplifting cards, emails and phone cards!
Our amazing small group-thank you for hauling up here to have small group in the cafeteria! I literally look forward to it every day, all week!
Peg G. – the homemade potato soup was amazing
Dave & Meg- all of the homemade dinners are much appreciated—we love having you come and visit!
Shannon & Alex- thanks for dinner and the company we really appreciate visitors!
Krissy- thanks for the yummy Thai and for coming to visit, we so appreciate being able to hang out and laugh and feel normal
Kate & Kelly- thanks for stopping by so often and being so helpful—you both have helped to brighten my day and have helped encourage me to stay positive
Mom, dad & Brooke- thanks for the snacks, activity books, candy, flowers, DVD’s, visits, support, and all the wonderful help you have been!
Pat & Pam- thank you for numerous, numerous visits, for bringing breakfast, lunch and dinner (and chocolate) and all of the prayers and support
All our friends/family--thank you for the phone calls, for checking in on us, the numerous and overwhelming amount of prayers, letters, and well wishes

and last...but certainly not least:

To our anonymous gracious and very generous friend:
Donnie & I cannot begin to express the gratitude we have for your generous gift. We have been so touched by the outpouring of support we have received and you’re gift has truly helped lift some of the burden off of our shoulders. The Lord says that we should walk by each others' side through trials and strife and because of you—we are experiencing that firsthand. We have blessed enough to have friends like you to help us with this struggle and trial. Your humble graciousness has touched our hearts and reconfirmed that there is so much goodness in this world! We are blessed to have you as a friend and we will without a doubt be “paying it forward”! Please know that your generosity will be put to good use, and that we will be surely telling Little Buddy all about his secret angel! Thank you, thank you, thank you! We cannot express enough how appreciative we are!

Love,
The Glenn Family

sneaky sneaky

2010-01-20T15:43:00.003-05:00

So after I updated yesterday I got ahold of my chart and ultrasound results for some real pics haha As you can see Donnie's rendition was pretty close to the real deal but this has some more numbers that might help it make a little more sense

This one shows his growth being charted from my last 4 ultrasounds--the line he is closest to is the line that represents the 10th percentile. To the right is a list of the dates the ultrasounds were done along with Fetus # (always just one little buddy haha) and the EFW (estimated fetus weight?) in grams and the percentile that his weight put him in. **So I wanted to try and make it that you could enlarge the pictures by clicking on them but I dont know if I did it right--click on it..did it work? hmmm **

This image is just a close-up of the growth chart. As you can see the "normal" growth trend lines start to go up much faster from this point forward and based on the pattern of LB's growth he will have to grow a lot to stay close to the 10th percentile. You can also see the 1 ultrasound that his growth was slightly above the 10th percentile--the dr's think this ultrasound was probably a fluke based on the 10% margin of error that exists with ultrasounds. Based on when my next ultrasound will be (I will be 33 weeks that day) LB would need to be at 1500 grams to be within the 10th percentile. Anything is possible with the Lord so that is what we are hoping for, but we are also realistic that 33 weeks may just be God's timing for Little Buddy to come out and meet everyone :-)

Hope this makes a little more sense--if not sorry I'm not good at math/statistics/looking at charts either so its kinda foreign for me too. Also, a big thanks to Hildy B. and Donna T. who both made me AWESOME gift baskets! It definitely helps brighten my day to get things like this and it touches my heart to know how much Donnie, LB and myself are cared about. We are so blessed to have such a wonderful family and group of friends! We love you guys! Also, an early thanks to all of my small group friends (and awesome small group leaders: Dave & Meg) for planning on having small group in the cafeteria this week.I really, really, really appreciate that you guys are willing to drive up here to help me feel a little bit normal--I'm sure that it will be an interesting experience to say the least and who knows maybe we can witness to unsuspecting hospital visitors/patients :-)

the LONG awaited ultrasound results

2010-01-19T18:06:00.005-05:00

So, I apologize for the long lag time in posting an update, I literally just got to talk w/ Dr.Brady(yes--my ultrasound was at 10am and I didnt get any news until 5:45pm--it was torture). So the final verdict is....2 more weeks strict hospital bed rest. Little Buddy has gained some weight in the past 2 weeks, at my ultrasound on Jan 4th he was 1lb 13oz (830grams), the goal was for him to have grown to 1000grams by this ultrasound. Well today he measured 2lbs 2oz (964grams) so he didnt quite make it to the size they were hoping for but he did grow.

They compare his growth (from all the ultrasounds I have had) to a growth chart that shows the average growth rates of a baby at the different gestational ages. The picture below is a sample (courtesy of Donnie haha) of little buddy's growth.

As you can see he has gradually fallen off the low end of the curve (this isnt quite what the real growth chart looks since the lower blue line is the 10th percentile and little buddy is in the 2nd percentile) but you can see that he hasnt quite followed the curve with the past two ultrasounds....The dr's said though that ultrasounds have roughly a 10% margin of error (which they think it was a fluke that his growth even got above the curve for the 1 measurement you can see above) but they wanted to be sure that this growth from today's ultrasound wasnt a fluke either so they said that I will get another ultrasound in 2 weeks which will confirm that he isnt going to be back up to the 10th percentile and at that point the next step will be induction.

So for the time being they said they arent comfortable letting me do bed rest at home because I would have to be coming back to the hospital for monitoring and they arent comfortable w/ me moving that much (getting in the car, coming to the hospital, etc.) So I will be here on strict bed rest for another 2 weeks.

Some positives:

1)after my ultrasound in 2 weeks the dr's will be deciding for us what to do (it wont be a situation where we are presented with the decision of whether little buddy is better in or out--it will be that if he continues to grow so little they will induce)

2) the nurses are talking with the care coordinator for me to try and get the fee for my private room waived (I had a little bit of a meltdown in realizing that we couldnt afford the private for 2 more weeks and honestly my small bit of sanity would be lost if I had to share a room for the next 2 weeks) so getting that waived would be a huge blessing and nurses seem to think they can get the care coordinator to sign off on it

3) the spa people are starting to give facials as an option starting this friday so now I will have nice nails and good skin ha

4) I get to have 2 more weeks of being pregnant, this may seem strange since I'm not exactly comfortable being pregnant (clearly my body doesnt like having little buddy in--between the nausea and vomitting, to aches and pains, low blood pressure and headaches I'm basically a disaster) but I feel like I am already going to be missing out on alot of the "pregnancy experience" being that I will be induced early so it will be nice to reach as many milestones as I can while I am pregnant

5) if I am induced in 2 weeks it will be a much easier situation for my sister to be able to come and act as my doula, she was prepared to leave wisconsin and drive down today with her youngest if I ended up being induced but I know that this week is hectic for her and I will be happy knowing that if I go in 2 weeks it will be less stressful for her to be able to come (less stress for all involved is what I'm going for)

So that is what is going on--hopefully the above chart helped the situation make sense--its kinda confusing not having a picture of the real growth chart that shows his growth each week vs. where it should be, etc. but that pic is the best we could do (please note: I wanted to steal my chart out of the hallway and take an actual picture of the growth chart from my ultrasound results but my 'goody goody' husband wouldnt do it and Im not supposed to be out of bed so I will have to wait until I have a visitor who is willing to do my dirty work haha)

ultrasound

2010-01-19T10:53:00.002-05:00

So we had our ultrasound--we are still waiting to talk to Dr.Brady about the results...I will update more later--Thanks for all the prayers!

about tomorrow...

2010-01-18T14:21:00.005-05:00

So I thought I should do a quick update before our big ultrasound tomorrow...First I just wanted to post a picture of our sad Christmas tree that is no more...It stinks to think that when I come home (whenever that will be) my Christmas tree will be gone, my holiday lights will have been taken down, etc. Keep in mind this is not complaining--if I could jump for joy over the fact that I didnt have to take them down I would (thanks Pat & Pam :-) ) But it is sad to think that I came in during the holiday season and when I leave we will be moving on to the next holiday...So here's to you little Christmas tree and all the delight you brought me... Moving on to things that you all actually care to read about: I havent updated in a few days because not too much has really been happening. Donnie came by on Saturday evening (he had to work on Saturday-boo! but I understand since he is taking all day Tues. off) and within 2 hours of him being here he started to feel really yucky and realized he was coming down with the stomach flu. Donnie never gets sick so for him to say "babe, I dont feel good I need to go home" I know he's serious. Unfortunately, Saturday night was the evening we FINALLY had worked out a time for us BOTH to go on a NICU tour...but then obviously Donnie couldnt go because stomach virus and preemies dont mix. So Donnie went home much to my sadness but Kate just got off work and graciously offered to go with me...ya know..in case I had an emotional meltdown :-) which I very much appreciated and much to my surprise I didnt have any meltdowns..got teary-eyed a few times but nothing ridiculous, and I got to see first hand some tiny babies...but God must really be preparing my heart because even the 3lb baby we saw didnt really seem that little to me...I was thankful for this and I was thankful that I felt calm and prepared for when our little buddy is eventually going to be in the NICU

So that was my exciting Saturday evening, well I woke up on Sunday and got sick too! Boo to puking! But honestly it wasnt too horrible because at this point I am so used to feeling gross and pukey that it wasnt that different than a normal day haha but I didnt have any visitors because I didnt want to infect anyone (this bug must be seriously contagious since I barely was around Donnie and I caught it--or I just have bad luck haha...I'm thinking it might be the latter) so I just bummed around on Sunday and watched a ton of episodes of Lost and stayed drugged so that the vomitting and nausea stayed at bay. Today, thankfully, I am feeling better and keeping food down so that is a blessing.

Okay so the main reason I am updating this blog today: Donnie and I have talked about tomorrow and Ive obviously gone over in my head 875928753 times what it is going to be like. I obviously have some anxieties going in but one thing that you all can do to help is check my blog...thats right...just check my blog...meaning I plan on turning off my phone tomorrow and having Donnie do the same (for at least a good portion of the day) I think right now for my mental sanity the best option to update you all on what the dr's say is via this blog. I love talking to you all and giving updates but I know that tomorrow I am going to be emotional regardless of the outcome and it would be a great help to me to know that I wont have to spend my afternoon calling all of my great friends and family--just having a whole day with my husband (which I havent had in 2 weeks) just us, sorting through how we feel and what this ultrasound will mean for us in regards to how life will be for the next few months...obviously the best case scenario is that bed rest has helped little buddy grow and I will continue on with the bedrest for the next however many weeks (at most 9 weeks) to help him grow...but keep in mind that for me that would mean 9 more weeks of this...which while I would be incredibly grateful to have 9 more weeks of this, It is going to take some time for me to process that I wont be leaving a bed for the next 9 weeks. So for this reason alone, I am asking for some time tomorrow, for just me and Donnie to process....

I appreciate all the prayers and well wishes and visitors and food and everything from you all---We have felt incredibly loved and cared about and it touches my heart how much you all already love my little buddy :-) I mean, I know that he is the greatest thing since sliced bread but to know that you all think so too, and love him so much already--well it really does touch my heart...So thanks in advance for respecting our wishes about tomorrow and I am pretty sure that I will find out what time my ultrasound is by 830 am...so I will do my best to update at least quickly with what time the ultrasound is so you all can know what time to check for updates (I obviously wont be updating with the ultrasound time if they decide to take me 1st thing at 830) I also dont know how long it will be until we get to talk to Dr.Brady after the ultrasound is done so WE might not even know the true results for a while after the ultrasound (which Lord help me have patience cuz I already can forsee myself getting irritated ha) So, I figured for those of you that havent gotten to come see me I would post a few pics to give you a mental image of my life for the past 2 weeks :-) enjoy!

My tiny little baby bump--grow little buddy! grow!

Me for the past 2 weeks (just picture varying patterns of sweats & shirts)

I Thought this picture was super cute...not...but Im not supposed to sit upright too often hence the lovely angle

Shh! Dont tell, I snuck out of bed to take my weekly belly picture, this is 30 weeks 5 days

still maturing

2010-01-14T15:33:00.002-05:00

Oh and just another quick update: my peri's just came in and I had been wondering (as have a few of my family and friends) if just keeping LB inside of me is beneficial if he isnt growing (you know...how everyone says well everyday he stays in you is for his benefit) well I wasnt quite sure that was accurate if he wasnt GROWING inside of me (how beneficial can that be?) but my peri said even if he isnt gaining weight inside of me development and maturity can still be happening--he said we REALLY want to try to keep him in you for as long as possible FOR that maturity to happen...I also asked--what if he isnt quite at 1000grams on tues--like what if he 975 grams will they still want to induce? He said that they said 1000 grams because they are looking for 100 grams a week in weight gain (which is on the low side of normal weight gain for babies at this gestational age) SO if he was close they would still want to keep him in... I also asked what my chances were of going HOME on bedrest if the baby was 1000grams he basically said it depends on how much he has gained--if he has gained a decent amount then I might be able to go home (since he consistently has done well on the NST and during my u/s to check on fluid and flow) granted even at home I would still be required to stay in bed, only getting up to go to the bathroom, but I MIGHT be able to go home...I thought of a few of you (you know who you are) would be interested in these answers :-)

What To Expect...When You're Expecting A Preemie?

2010-01-14T14:41:00.002-05:00

So I finally had my NICU consult today--I was starting to get concerned because I really wanted a chance to talk w/ one of the neonatologists before I delivered and considering that delivering next Tues. (or sometime next week) is a possibility I was worried the consult wouldnt happen before then

But it did, today, and here is the scoop--based on what I asked lol so the neonatologists gave me the run down of what I can kinda expect going based off a baby born at 29 weeks (granted if I deliver next week I will be 31 weeks but with Little Buddy being smaller--we are guessing he wont necessarily be developmentally at 31 weeks...but he could be) So for a baby born at 29 weeks (normal size for 29 weeks) there is 95% survival rate. Little Buddy could still be smaller than a 29 week baby so she said the survival rate does go down a little bit to like 85-90% survival rate. I dont like thinking about survival rates because I am using positive self thought that Little Buddy WILL survive.

But at 29 weeks she said that the baby will almost 100% need respiration help. Depending on how much help he needs it will either be through a nasal canula (the little tubes going up to his nose with oxygen-this is what I am hoping for) or he will need to be intubated (a tube in the trachea going down the windpipe to the lungs) intubation is obviously more invasive so we are hoping to not need that. The thought of having LB be intubated scares me...I know that seeing that would be really hard so I am REALLY hoping that a nasal canula will suffice.

Little Buddy will also need to have an IV line for antibiotics depending on what his blood work shows they may decide to do a PICC line (which Im sure everyone knows what that is now after my PICC experiences in 1st tri). An IV or PICC line I dont think will scare me too much...

Little Buddy will also have some brain scans done--preemies are at a really high risk for brain bleeds and they said they will be monitoring this pretty closely.

LB will also need a nasogastric tube (a small tube inserted through the nostril, down the esophagus to the stomach) for gavage feedings (tube feedings) they are obviously REALLY pro-breastfeeding and will want me to pump ASAP for this--I still need to talk w/ the Lactation Consultants about any help they can give me w/ renting pumps (if I need to) and pumping schedules, etc.

She said that it may be a while before I can hold LB--they highly recommend the kangaroo care (Skin-to-skin contact between parent and baby. During kangaroo care, the baby is placed on the parent's chest, dressed only in a diaper and sometimes a hat. The baby's head is turned to the side so the baby can hear the parent's heartbeat and feel the parent's warmth.) Unfortunately Kangaroo Care can only be done once the baby isnt in critical condition which may be a while for LB.

The neonatalogist also said that with some babies that are born as small as LB may be born there is a 10-15% risk that there will be long-term issues such as cognitive delays, feeding/growth issues, etc. She said that I can expect LB to be in the NICU for a minimum of 4 weeks. Honestly I was preparing myself that LB would be in the NICU until his due date so 4 weeks wouldnt be SO bad. But it could be longer.

So overall, my NICU consult wasnt a very upbeat consult but having a baby in the NICU isnt a very upbeat situation. I havent really processed some of the statistics that she told as far as survival rates and long term issues. It may be bad but I am choosing to be in denial until the situation arises--I can deal with it then.

As every other consult I've had, this one was full of "we really wont know anything until he is here" and "we really cant predict anything" and "you will just have to wait and see"--talk about waiting on pins and needles. But I need to remind myself--that things can go wrong with even "healthy" full term babies. There are moms that go their entire pregnancy in the dark not knowing their child may have issues only to be surprised at birth. God is at least giving me a heads up--I feel like hearing this hard things now will make my reality in the next week (or couple of weeks hopefully) less of a low blow- I wont feel so punched in the stomach as I would imagine you would feel if you went in thinking everything was great and normal.

They said I can schedule a tour of sorts to come up to the NICU to see what it is like (which I've already seen it from when I briefly worked here doing social work in the perinatal services dept. we mostly worked with moms who had baby's in the NICU--helping them cope and get hooked up w/ resources in the community HA! how ironic!) but I think it would be good to go w/ Donnie so he can see and it wont be such a shock for him. Either way, tour or not, its going to be a HUGE shock to see LB just in general--we've been waiting all this time to meet him and it will be exciting either way! AND it will be shocking to see a baby as tiny as he is (Ive been told by other preemie moms to take lots of pictures when they are that small because once they are big you will NEVER believe they could have been that small) and it will be a shock to see him hooked up to the variety of things I listed above.

So that was my afternoon--I am still waiting on my PT consult which I will probably be jelly legs by the time they come to see me--either that or I will be a mom to an outside baby and therefore not need the PT consult anymore haha

That is all the news for today--I am going to go back to watching trashy tv shows online such as Teen Mom :-)

fast food society

2010-01-12T11:22:00.003-05:00

So I actually got to talk w/ one of my dr's today (I still dont know half of them--they tend to forget to introduce themselves when they come in at 5am) Up until this point they had only been coming in really early in the morning and in my half sleep stupor I wasnt the best at chatting or asking questions (mom and dad I'm sure you can understand--you know how "pleasant" I am in the morning)

But today one of the dr's came in around 10:30 and was actually available to chat/answer questions. So I had my list ready and got some good news and some kind of alarming news. The first thing I wanted to ask about was I had been doing some research on my own and had found a few studies where moms had babys with IUGR and later found out the IUGR was a result of a clotting disorder called MTHFR. So I added that to my list of things that I wanted to know if they were looking into it. When I asked the peri about it he said that it is INCREDIBLY rare and that it is not something they generally look into because it involves taking a substantial amount of blood and the test takes about 3 weeks and is very very expensive plus I didnt really fit any risk factors that would indicate that it could be a possibility (ex: history of stillbirths, passing large clots, etc.) I did mention that I do tend to end up w/ things that are rare (i.e. hyperemesis) but he said that at the time they didnt really see it as something to look into

He said that IUGR baby's can just start to grow and he has seen it happen so there is a hope in that LB will just have grown instantaneously. He said at my last ultrasound LB was around 830grams and that they need him to be at least above 1000grams at my ultrasound next Tues. He said that if he hasnt grown enough or has stopped growing or has lost size that we will start talking about delivering me either that day or sometime soon--kinda intense to think about but Ive decided (upon recieving some good advice) that if they do decide induction is best that I want at least 24 hours notice to process the idea that I will be having a baby (unless it is emergent but it didnt seem like it would be an emergent situation just one where they would want to deliver sooner than later)

I also asked about my chances of having a c-section--I expressed that I had originally really been hoping to try for unmedicated childbirth and that I had been educating myself on that and other birth options and he said that as long as my doppler flows stay good (which they monitor that about twice a week) he said that they would let me try for as regular of a delivery as possible but they would want to closely monitor his heart rate, etc. So basically they would just be watching extra close to ensure that he didnt get too stressed during labor. I am REALLY happy about this--I was preparing myself for a c-section but I still was hoping that I would at least get a chance to try things naturally and hopefully I get that--granted it would probably be difficult considering they will have to be using things to induce me which makes labor more intense but at this point I am really ready to try and as Krissy pointed out to me last night at least I wont be pushing out a huge baby :-) so I have that on my side as well haha

He said that after the baby is born they will probably send my placenta to pathology to see if they can figure out the cause of my IUGR. He said sometimes they never can find a reason other times as soon as the baby is actually here and they can get a good look at things they can see what caused it. He said that sometimes just being on bedrest is enough to just stop my body from competing with my placenta and that I could have just had a not so great placenta with this pregnancy and it isnt something that would happen again--or it could. Story of my life, I feel like everything Ive struggled w/ during this pregnancy is up in the air as to whether or not it would happen again in another pregnancy

I also asked more about the possibility of an amnio he said that they would only be wanting to do an amnio to check for TORCH infections. TORCH is an acronym for Toxoplasmosis, Other (such as syphilis, varicella, mumps, parvovirus, and HIV)Rubella, Cytomegalovirus & Herpes simplex. I can pretty much weed out some of those (being as I know I obviously dont have syphilis, herpes or HIV) lol and I am pretty sure that they did a test in the beginning for rubella and I think I was vacinnated against it (I could be completely wrong about this one) but nonetheless that is the only reason they would even want to do an amnio, not to check for Downs or anything else which I wouldnt have agreed to anyway.

I asked how likely it was that I could have been infected with one of these things and not known it and he said it could have been as simple as something I got infected with early in the pregnancy, gave me flu/cold like symptoms that I brushed off (as any normal person would) that were actually something more serious. I think that this obviously could have happened considering 1. how sick I was in the beginning of my pregnancy in general I wouldnt have noticed feeling crappier than the crappy I already felt, 2. I dont think they ever figured out what I was actually sick w/ in Wisconsin when I got REALLY sick and was hospitalized, I think they thought it was PICC infection but I remember them being surprised at how quickly it went away. So I definitely think some infection could be something to look into.

I also asked more about the chromosomal/genetic issues, specifically Noonan's syndrome as I have some family history with this condition. My peri's dont seem super familiar with this condition but the dr. I saw this morning said that he would look more into it and see if it is even something that can be diagnosed or seen in utero. They seem to think that this is more something with the placenta or fluid or something along those lines vs. genetic and they havent brought up the possiblity of Downs again so I am hopeful that that was just something they had to warn me about vs. an actual possiblity

The most frustrating part about this whole situation is the neverending waiting game--just feeling really helpless and frustrated that there arent more answers--the Dr. said we are a fast food society, we want stuff NOW and it just doesnt happen that way in obstetrics. I am glad they are taking their time and really not rushing into any one course of treatment that could be risky for LB...I just need patience right now...pretty much I always need patience in my life but now in particular haha

So that is what is going on today--I am getting another manicure at 2pm :-) haha I have really enjoyed and appreciated everyone visiting and leaving kind words and THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for all the prayers--We know that there are so many people praying for us and LB and I know that God is hearing each and every one of you--I will keep you all updated this week but hopefully things will be pretty boring and I wont have much to update about :-)!

1 week down, 1 to go

2010-01-11T13:53:00.002-05:00

So I have now officially been on strict hospital bedrest for 1 whole week--7...long...days...and I have at least until Jan 18th (wait scratch that--they changed my ultrasound to Jan 19th because apparently they are big on torture here at Good Sam)

But on the 19th I will be getting my repeat growth scan that will tell me if the bedrest is helping or not. In the past week a few things have happened:

-I get daily NST (non-stress tests) twice a day to monitor the baby, check for contractions, etc. Within these NST's they like to see at least 2 accelerations in the babys hearrate in a 10minute period--generally I am on the monitor around 30-40 mins before I get my 20 solid minutes of good hearrate readings. The nurses have always said that my results are good...until today

-This morning I had to go down to the Seton Center (for the 2nd time in an hour and a half) to have a BPP done...a BPP is a biophysical profile-- The BPP measures the baby's heart rate, muscle tone, movement, breathing, and the amount of amniotic fluid around the baby. Little buddy wasnt moving at all despite all the prodding of the tech so this took a while for them to see the breath signs they need but I suppose it went okay since they didnt call a dr in and they sent me back up to SCOB (special care OB where I am staying)

- I have also been getting a regular ultrasounds to check my amniotic fluid level and umbilical cord pressure, apparently at my last ultrasound (on the 4th) the umbilical cord flow (also known as doppler flow velocimetry)they measure how much amniotic fluid I have (which has always been normally thankfully) and they measure the resistance and velocity of the blood flow to the baby (this can show if there are problems that can be affecting growth)apparently on the 4th I was within the high range of normal for the cord flow. They are watching to ensure that the blood flow pressure doesnt 1. increase, 2. decrease too much, 3. stop all together, 4. start flowing the wrong way--if any of these things were to happen we would be talking immediate induction--but Ive had two more ultrasounds since my one on the 4th and my doppler flow is gone down slightly (which is good since it was in the high range of normal on the 4th)The ultrasound tech did note though that there is a substantial difference in my doppler flow depending on my positioning (she said i have MUCH better flow when I am on my left side which isnt surprising and that she woldnt be surprised if the dr's added that to my bedrest regime--meaning I would not only be not allowed out of bed except to use the bathroom but i would need to stay laying on my left side for the majority of the day)

-I also found out what Little Buddy weighed at my Ultrasound on the 4th, he was a whopping 1lb, 13oz. which was basically no change from the 2 weeks prior--this news was really sad for me, I know that at this stage of pregnancy baby's DO grow alot, on avg. 1/2 lb per week, so even if Little Buddy starts growing at an average growth rate (which he hasnt yet this pregnancy) after weeks of bedrest he will still weigh less than 3lbs...my fear is that when I go in for my ultrasound on the 19th they will find something they dont like or Little Buddy wont have grown as much as they wanted and they will want to induce me and he will be born weighing less than 3lbs--this REALLY REALLY scares me--it scares me because I know that caucasian males have the lowest success rates when it comes to being in the NICU, it scares me because 3lbs is really...really...really....little and there is a chance that he could be even smaller (2lbs 13oz on the 19th would be if he was growing normally)

I pretty much have moved from having fears of him coming early, or having a chromosomal issue or later health issue to having fears of him not living. I know that it is horrible and morbid to think but I cannot help but fear the worst-- I am really really working hard in trusting God right now, but I am hoping for a miracle at this point because I just cant put an optimistic twist into the situation I am in right now. I couldnt imagine going home without a baby. It hurts my heart to even type that, think that or acknowledge that there is the slightest possiblity of that occuring. Maybe God is waiting to give me good news because in the short week Ive been here Ive gone from being sad about small things, like the possibility that my baby might have Downs or other delays, to realizing I DONT CARE WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM I JUST WANT HIM HERE ALIVE! Maybe I am supposed to be focusing on the simple blessing that is life and not the other details--well now I am doing that...

I apologize for the negativity of this post but, its an update nonetheless and is easier to post on here than to talk about out loud, so it is what it is...

O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you percieve my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord....For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mothers womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be....Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting (Psalm 139)

I know that the Lord is not done working on Little Buddy--He is forming him and planning his life right now--ordaining his days--I just need to work on getting my heart in the right place again

updates from the perinatologist

2010-01-05T22:58:00.003-05:00

So since my blog is going to be alot of medical jargon updates and what not I thought I would slip in a few random pics to keep people enticed to read more. The pic below is from the Summer of 06--Donnie and I had been dating for 2 years already and the shirt im wearing--the infamous dicey jane shirt--is the shirt i was wearing the 1st night i ever met donnie and incidentally he is probably wearing the same thing he was wearing the nice we first met haha ok now on to updates

They went ahead and gave me two steriod shots (one yesterday and one today) to help little buddy's lungs develop more rapidly so if they need to induce me/deliver him anytime soon his lungs will hopefully be a little more developed.(for what it's worth they dont forsee me being induced anytime within the next 2 weeks but it is better to start the steriod shots now in case I do need to anytime w/in the next month).

So I met w/ the perinatologist last night and he said that my short term course of treatment is: I will be on strict hospital bedrest (not allowed to walk or get out of bed except to go to the bathroom) for the next 2 weeks until my next ultrasound. Basically he explained that strict bedrest can help women in this way: when ones body is active and exerting energy the heart obviously pumps harder and can actually be pumping blood from other organs to help supplement that. (for example marathon runners tend to go to the bathroom far less often in comparison to how much they are drinking because their heart is rerouting some of the blood from the kidneys which tell them they need to go to the bathroom) well when you are pregnant, or at least some pregnant womens hearts reroute blood from the placenta first (since it is a pretty big organ) instead of one of the moms other organs so for moms whose hearts exert more energy and take blood from the placenta bedrest can help stop that from happening. The more blood in the placenta is essentially better nutrition for the baby. (sidenote: bear w/ me the perinatalogist explained everything much better than I am) So the hope is that after two weeks of me literally doing nothing laying in bed with very minimal movement my heartrate will stay calm and relaxed and baby can get all the nutrients he needs. If it is successful and the baby shows growth at the next ultrasound then we know that I need to be on strict bedrest and monitored for the duration of the pregnancy (If this is what happens I am going to cross my fingers about the potential of completeing the bedrest at home vs here and at this point getting to 40wks isnt really seeming like it is going to happen so my own personally mini goal is making it to at least 37wks)

But--this is a big but-- if the bedrest doesnt help then there are a few different courses of action. In looking at the results from my ultrasound on Monday the perinatalogist noted that little buddy had smaller than normal (and maybe even smaller for him) arm and leg bones (humerus and femur) as a result of this and a few other things including the overall growth restiction that this could be a sign that little buddy may have Down's syndrome. Since there havent been many other reasons to explain LB's growth restriction this may be a contributing factor. Granted LB( little buddy) hasnt shown any other soft markers for downs such as the nuchal fold thickness, nasal bone issues, etc. the shortened humerus and femur are signs (but I think the baby could just have short legs like Donnie--and hopefully Donnies muscular legs too haha). So if the bedrest doesnt help the peri thinks that an amniocentesis would be the next step to look for more factors contributing towards Downs or any other chromosomal issues and they also want to check for an virual issues such as toxoplasmosis (sp?) So the issue for Donnie and I are that doing an amnio at any stage of pregnancy is risky he said for us we would be at a 1 in 400 chance that the amnio would break the bag of waters which would obviously mean I would go into labora and have LB. So right now we are just kinda bouncing around the idea of what we should do- If the only purpose of doing an amnio is to tell us yes there is a better chance you baby does/might have Downs be prepared or no it isnt looking like your baby has Downs then we will skip it--whether he has downs or not it isnt worth risking his life to find out earlier for our own convenience--when he is born we will love him and be excited and overjoyed and deal with it then but I know already how perfect LB is for me and donnie--the perfect baby for US (downs or not) so it really doesnt effect much I'll just wait and see when he comes.

BUT if the amnio is also being done to check for the viral things that could effect their course of treatment for the time being then we might consider doing it. For example if the amnio DOES find a viral infection then we know they can either try to treat it in utero or it will be confirmed that yes the baby needs to come out to be treated properly. Because either way by the time we get to choosing whether or not we are going to need an amnio we wil already be talking whether to keep LB in longer or to induce me

Ok lets take a quick breather from the scary stuff to look at another picture not seen by many. this pic is from Donnie and I on New Years Eve 2004! we were so cool then and so in love already haha and yes if you note closely that IS a tongue stud in my mouth- I was such a sinner!

and we are back to the serious stuff...

So it was a LOT to take in all at once and now that I have had a day to process I am feeling better about it. We are just working on really leaning on God--I was a wreck last night (when the dr started talking about the possiblities of downs I completely zoned out on everything he said after that--it completely threw me for a loop) but after taking a step back and reading His word, talking to Him, unloading all my worries to Him I had a pretty stress freel worry free day (thank you LORD!) Either way an OB nurse told me that everyday LB stays inside me is three less days he would have to stay in an incubator so as the day passes in a positive light I know I just saved LB 3 days in an incubator! I know these next 2 weeks are going to be really hard and stressful and worryful (is this a word?) I know I am going to be waiting on pins and needles to find out the results of my u/s after 2 weeks on bedrest plus BEING on bedrest is making the days tick by slower than molasses. Staying strong- staying positive! I got to have an exciting day--I got a complimentary manicure offered to all the bed rest mamas (and I think they are coming back on Fri to do pedicures yay), i convinced my nurse to take my heplock out so I am currently no longer stuck w/ anything! yay!! and I got to take a nice stroll in a wheelchair around the hospital which was quite refreshing to just sit in a chair rather than lay in bed and to walk around well wheel around/be pushed but ya know same diff- we went up to the nursery and looked at all the cute little babies--it just reaffirms--THIS IS ALL WORTH IT!

So right now the biggest prayer concerns we have been praying are that God would keep growing LB to a healthy and strong point- that God would hold LB in his hand and nourish him and that Donnie and I will continue to turn to Him in our frustrations and trust that he has it all figured out.

This is Donnie and I only a few weeks ago at our vow renewal service. I love my husband so much and I wouldnt want to/cant imagine going through this with anyone other than him. He is such a rock for me, never showing his fears, staying strong for me--I love you Donnie more than you can imagine!

letter to baby

2010-01-05T00:29:00.003-05:00

So since I cant sleep due to insomnia from my earlier steriod shot I thought that I would write a letter to Little buddy while I wait for ambien to come and help--

Dear Little Buddy,
Your mom cant sleep right now because she has so many thoughts racing through her mind. I need to settle my thoughts and my heart for both our sakes. So here is something you probably didnt know about your ole mom.

James,it is my favorite book of the Bible. The first time I ever remember turning to the Lord I sat down, cried out to God and opened my Bible to James. I had never read James (I honestly didn’t even know it was a book in the Bible) and started reading. This was the first time I ever felt comforted by the Lord, the first time I felt He knew me personally and knew my struggle and was there to help. The entire book of James has continually been a book that I swear God included in the Bible just for me.

Consider it pure joy whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does. (James 1:2-8)

I know that in this trial right now, being stuck in a hospital bed for weeks and being unsure of what to do, what to think, being scared for your life, praying for you daily—I KNOW that I am growing in my faith in God’s plan for my family. For OUR family. I know that I can boldly come to the Lord and ask him for wisdom of what to do in this situation, how to react in this situation, I know I can pray for wisdom for me and for your doctors, nurses, etc. God will give me all the wisdom I need and be generous in doing so! Right now I am working on not doubting—I am working on remembering that you and me right now—this situation—is for God’s glory and OUR good.

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. (James 4:7-10)

I know that right now the devil is waiting for me to lose faith, waiting for me to be disheartened so he can get a foothold in my heart. He is waiting for me to have that moment of weakness where I cry out “why” and think “it’s not fair”. But I know that if I keep turning to the Lord—if I keep lifting YOU up to the Lord Little Buddy that he will draw near to us, hold us and keep us safe.

Brothers, as an example of patience in the face of suffering, take the prophets who spoke in the name of the Lord. As you know, we consider blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job's perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy. (James 5:10-11)

The book of James has so much wisdom—patience in the face of suffering. Easier said than done—but it is so comforting to know that the Lord IS full of compassion and mercy. Little Buddy—I know that everything will be okay despite getting bad news on top of bad news. I know that when I finally do get to meet you, whether that is sooner or later than I planned, I know it will be perfect in God’s timing and that God is going to get us through this, both of us. We are so lucky to have a God who understands our troubles, who understands my hurting right now. God is so good. I cant wait to see what the Lord is finally going to bring us after all this is said and done! I cant wait to look back at this situation with the clarity that comes with time and say, “THAT’S why God chose for me to go through that—I NEEDED THAT SITUATION TO GROW” I know that in time I will inevitably be saying those words about this.

I love you little buddy and I can’t wait to see you on the outside and to love on you!

Love,
Mommy

Update to L&D bedrest

2010-01-04T15:38:00.002-05:00

Just wanted to give a quick update--I had a routine ultrasound this morning (well routine for me that is) to check on the baby's growth. During the ultrasound they found that the baby had not grown since my last ultrasound 2 weeks ago and there were some concerns about one of his arms. As a result the Seton Center doctor and my midwives decided I needed to be admitted to inpatient labor and delivery. So as of now I am at Good Sam in their special care ob floor. The resident on call predicted that I would be here on bedrest until the baby was born (my due date is 11 weeks away). Currently they are monitoring the baby to make sure he is handling everything okay. They will be doing regular ultrasounds and using the fetal heart monitors to keep track of everything.

My placenta was grade 2 and looking good, my umblilical cord is a three vessel cord (which is good) and had good flow and my amniotic fluid level was good also. So basically everything looked fine on my end which is concerning because now they really have no idea why the baby isnt growing. I will no longer be seeing the midwives and am now seeing a high risk perinatologist --but on a plus side this particular perinatologist, Dr.Brady, is actually the medical director for New Hope Center and is a Believer and very pro-life! I feel much more confident knowing that he will be caring for me and Little Buddy. They will be doing some genetic testing to try and determine why he isnt growing & to see if there are any correlations and if the growth doesnt accelerate then we will be discussing whether or not it is better for the baby to stay in-utero or to be born and treated in the NICU. I am getting a steriod shot soon today (waiting on it now) to help little buddy's lungs grow faster so if I need to be induced anytime soon that will be an added help (for what it's worth they dont forsee me being induced anytime within the next 2 weeks but it is better to start the steriod shots now in case I do need to anytime w/in the next month).

We appreciate all the prayers and support! I will do my best to keep you updated--I am working on staying positive throughout this experience. It still hasnt sunk in that when I leave the hospital I will be a mama! So weird! If you all could just pray for the dr's treating me and that I will turn to the Great Physician for all my answers. I know that God is carrying me through this! He is so good!

the REAL results

2009-12-23T16:52:00.005-05:00

This is my 12 weeks-(profile)

This is 20wks-(a foot)

This is 24 wks- my creepy little aliens face :-)

(confused? tilt your head to the left the dark circles are eyes)

24 weeks- (spine & ribs)

26 weeks- (profile of face)

26 weeks-(another profile of face)

Me @ 26 weeks 6 days

* I thought since I always post about my numerous ultrasounds it would be fun to post a few of the ultrasound pics. Little buddy is always super active so its hard to get many good pictures but these are a few of the better ones I have so far.

**Update from my last post**

So we just got back from my doctors appointment to go over my ultrasound results....and they were good! yay! So the overall information was that while little buddy is small he is still growing. He is on a consistent upward growth trend that while in a small percentile is still not technically small enough to be considered IUGR / growth restricted (I am AT RISK for iugr but not diagnosed iugr). So for the time being I am going to just be closely monitored for the duration of my pregnancy--bi-weekly appointments and bi-weekly ultrasounds (possibly weekly depending on how his growth progresses) They will be monitoring the umbilical flow which basically shows how the placenta is passing nutrition to the baby and they will be monitoring his growth.

The best news is: as long as he stays on the current growth trend he is on (and doesnt drop any lower) I wont have to go on bedrest!! Yay!! As for the current situation they just want me to continue to take it easy, dont push myself, if I feel crampy or tired or anything I need to stop what I am doing, drink water and rest! If for some reason he does drop lower that will mean bedrest and if (worst case scenario) his growth stops than we will be discussing different delivery options, etc. but the midwives feel confident that it wont come to that and that little buddy will stay put for at least another 10 weeks (I am 27 weeks now) and that he will be born healthy and just a tiny little peanut!

PRAISE GOD FOR ALL HIS BLESSINGS! This is the best christmas present ever!

26 weeks and quick ultrasound update

2009-12-22T09:15:00.002-05:00

So I dont have a ton of new info but I figured I would update and let some family know ( who I know are wondering) how the ultrasound went yesterday. My good friend Kerry went with me because Donnie was only able to take some time off once this week (his company always gets super busy right before the holidays because of people having guests and wanting everything to work lol) so we decided it would be best for him to take time off to come to my appt on Wed. where we will be discussing my ultrasound results in detail and what that will mean for the rest of my pregnancy

So my good friend Kerry came with me, the ultrasound went well. Little buddy finally gave us a few cute profile shots and he wasnt as active as normal so we were able to see more detail (I think he is sleepy in the morning just like his mommy haha) All the main organs and everything looked fine (same as before) and when looking at his growth he HAS grown since my last ultrasound two weeks ago but he is still behind meaning his belly measurements are still almost a full month behind where they should be, his arms/legs are still about 2 weeks behind and his head is only a few days behind (same as before) but he has grown! Obviously the largest concern before this ultrasound was that I would go and he would measure the same as two weeks ago but he is still growing at a consistent rate but hes just behind where he should be (specifically in his abdominal measurements which are in less than the third percentile which clearly isnt good)

The u/s tech was really nice, it ended up that her daughter used to work w/ Kerry as a nurse at Children's AND even weirder I had heard about her daughter from Kerry because her daughter was pregnant the same time Kerry was but had really bad hyperemesis! And her daughter lives in Campbell County too--such a small world. So we talked w/ the tech for a few minutes, she totally understood my experience w/ hyperemesis since her daughter too had the zofran pump, IV fluids, etc.

Since we kinda knew the tech she was more chatty about the results of my u/s which was nice. She said he is still in the same percentile of growth despite him growing from the past two weeks. So essentially there is still an upward curve of growth at a consistent rate but I am still going to be in the at risk category. The dr's at the seton center want me to come back in another two weeks for another u/s and the tech was guessing that I will probably come back every two weeks for the duration of my pregnancy (which is fine w/ me--I will have a whole baby album of ultrasound pics haha!) But she couldnt tell me indefinitely because I will obviously have to talk w/ my midwives to see how they want to approach treating me

Our appointment is on Wed. so I am guessing that is when I will get the official IUGR diagnosis (or not?) and I will find out what they recommend for my care (at my last appointment they hinted that bedrest for the rest of my pregnancy would be the next step....) I will have more details after that! Thanks for all the prayers, I know that they are helping!! Now onto my weekly survey--my last survey for the 2nd trimester! As of today I am officially in my 3rd trimester! Weird!

How far along? 26 weeks

Weight gain? I have been stuffing my face since my last appt 2 weeks ago in hopes of gaining weight for me and the baby. The midwives were hoping to see a little more weight gain from me so we will see on Wed. I feel like I am eating all day long and so much food! In reality its probably a normal amount but I swear that Ive gained like 10lbs in 2 weeks haha

Maternity clothes? Still wearing them. Donnie and I went this weekend to try and find me a comfy pair of boots so I would have something with some traction to wear in the snow (currently I am only wearing clogs which dont bode well in snow) So we went to Boot Country--lets talk about how my feet and ankles were so swollen that I didnt fit into a SINGLE pair of womens boots...not 1...and sadly, not even some mens boots! I guess I didnt realize I was swelling because my clogs are so loose

Sleep? I have been sleeping much better actually, Ive figured out what pillows to use, how to manuever so I dont get all tangled up...I'm still working on curing Donnie's snoring though...

Best moment this week? Glenn family christmas was very fun! I love watching little kiddos open presents and be so excited they cant handle it! Plus it is bittersweet to think that this is our last Christmas for the rest of our lives that is going to be just me and Donnie :-) It was fun thinking of all the fun christmas stuff we will get to do w/ little buddy next year (yes I know he will be less than a year old but it will be exciting nonetheless) Donnie's mom got me an antique classic pooh book (we are doing a classic pooh theme in our nursery for those that didnt know)--it is SO precious and definitely one of my favorite gifts

Food cravings? pizza as always...not too much else

Labor signs? none

Belly Button? innie

What I miss most? I had a pretty content week this week...I still miss smoking as always but whats new with that?!

What I'm looking forward to most? My appt on Wed. to get the final verdict and my 1st baby shower in Sunday! I cant wait to see some of my high school friends and college friends!

Milestones? I cant think of any huge milestones this week, still working on getting Donnie to be able to feel little buddy from the outside but he only kicks hard enough to feel from the outside every now and then so its hard to get Donnie in time to feel it. During my ultrasound the tech was using the wand much higher than I thought the baby was but I guess the baby is big enough now that he isnt just hanging out below my bellybutton. I mean I knew that he was up higher but it became more real when she was like right around my ribs...strange. Little buddy was quite the acrobat during my appointment. though stretching his legs out completely and up toward his face. Kerry joked that he was going to be gymnast and I said a gymnast just like his daddy...but my story about Donnie taking gymnastics is for another post all together haha...

25 weeks & Ultrasound results!

2009-12-14T22:42:00.003-05:00

So this is my last evening at 25 weeks and I figured I would wait until after my appointment to update today. So the most important news is my ultrasound results from my last ultrasound. Well the CNM's (certified nurse midwives) are starting to suspect more and more that I have Intrauterine Growth Restriction (IUGR). Basically IUGR is when the baby is not growing appropriately for its gestational age. From what Ive read there arent specific things that definitively cause IUGR but there are correlations between IUGR and things such as smoking, drug use,etc. Obviously for me these things arent related and actually the CNM said that looking at my chart and at me she wouldnt have guessed that I would be at-risk for IUGR.

But looking at my ultrasound results and doing some research I have found it is common w/ IUGR babies to have a head that is the correct size for gestational age with other body measurements measuring small which is exactly what little buddy has. Basically the midwives said though that it is a really good sign that his head is close to normal size she said that when the head is also measuring behind it is definitely more serious so that is one good thing. I have another ultrasound scheduled for Dec 21st and she said after that ultrasound they will have enough measurements to make a determination if it is actually IUGR or just a small baby. If it is IUGR my next step will be bedrest--I jokingly told her I already do nothing so I dont know how much more restricted my lifestyle can get haha

But back to the serious stuff....I feel like after feeling so confident in previous posts about how I am managing this I will say that after my appointment today I just feel a litte more shaken with this information. I have been praying that this would just be a little baby and not IUGR because there are obviously so many more negative things that result in an IUGR baby (ex: having to be induced, likelihood of pre-eclampsia, bed rest, etc.)

I have really been struggling just tonight with keeping my thoughts focused on the Lord. I know that HE is the Ultimate doctor for my little buddy, I know that HE is the perfect creator and that little buddy is being formed inside me as a perfect child for me and donnie, I know that God will never give me more than I can handle (I praise God for stories like Job, as a friend reminded me, He never gives more than you can handle so apparently he has more faith in me than I have in myself) I know that little buddy is not mine, he is already the Lords and that regardless of how anything turns out--it is God's perfect plan and will and the Lord is justified and merciful in everything he gives me to deal with. I know that God is SO FAITHFUL he has stood by me everytime, and everything has always been okay and I have managed every other time and every circumstance has had its purpose so this time and this circumstance will be no different.

These are the things "I know" now its a matter of literally repeating these over and over again until my sinful heart starts to "get it". I know after talking with a friend that many of these concepts are things I need to start learning now because as soon as little buddy is here these truths come more and more into play (particularly knowing that little buddy is NOT MINE but the Lords!) I am working on staying positive, not letting my fears get ahold of me, trusting in God, and praying. I know that I have a God who has no limits-- anything is possible with him. so I AM praying that at my next ultrasound the Lord will have grown little buddy to a healthy size and that all will be "normal". I am not bashful in asking this because I know that if it is His will, it is totally a possiblity! I just praise God for giving me so much grace--just the right amount to keep me sane and continually turning to Him. HE IS SO GOOD!

So on a more positive note here is my "fun" survey about my 25th week of pregnancy:
How far along? 25 weeks

Weight gain? I am officially up 9lbs from my lowest weight this pregnancy! I am still about 9 lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight but I feel good that I am gaining! (never thought I would say that...ever...in my life) It seems I am gaining about 3-4lbs a month which is good--or at least better than nothing!

Maternity clothes? still rockin them! Oh and fun fact, maternity panty hose are much more comfortable than non-maternity pantyhose. I think this may be another maternity item that sneaks into my non-maternity wardrobe after little buddy is here.

Sleep? I have been sleeping a little better. We are still roughing it in our little queen sized bed :-)

Best moment this week? Renewing my vows with my husband-- our church had a church wide vow renewal service to mark the end of a sermon series on mercy in marriage. It was really fun, they had a reception afterward complete with a wedding cake and dancing. It was so much more meaningful to look into my husbands eyes and make these promises knowing how much work goes into it, how hard it is to keep those promises daily. It made me really stop and think about how blessed I am to have such a God-fearing, loving, supportive, husband. He truly is my best friend and I wouldnt want to be sharing my life with anyone else.

Food cravings? pizza...mmm and I really want another piece of wedding cake from that reception...seriously our table was all about some wedding cake it doesnt help that there were two preggo's sitting right next to each other

Labor signs? none thank God!!! I am praying that I dont have any of these for at least another 11 weeks...AT LEAST and that my braxton hicks would go away because they are annoying
Belly button? Innie--as always

What I miss most? bending over w/ ease haha this makes for a funny mental picture when you imagine a pregnant lady w/ a screwy center of balance who cant bend over trying to put on pantyhose...it was a risky operation but a success

What I'm looking forward to most? my upcoming baby shower--I have the best friends and family! I am really so lucky to have people around me that are so supportive and loving--I appreciate it more than you all could know!

Milestones? I think Donnie felt the baby for the 1st time. It is still up for debate, he didnt seem very excited but I am thinking it may be becuase his kicks are still so weak that it was such a tiny tap from the outside that Donnie was a little disappointed. But I know once Donnie gets to feel his 1st jab he will be more excited--DONNIE READ BETWEEN THE LINES (I know he reads my blog ha) ACT EXCITED NEXT TIME YOU FEEL THE BABY MOVE! I MEAN, ACT REALLY EXCITED! haha so that is about it. Oh and another fun fact...as of today I am exactly 99 days away from my due date! yay for double digits!

24 weeks

2009-12-08T10:04:00.002-05:00

Well now that I am 25 weeks I thought it fitting to do my survey about 24 weeks haha

Just a sidenote: I know my blog is boring...like really boring, but honestly there isnt much going on being as I'm not working or in school. I spend my time doing...well not much...I volunteer--that should count for some fun stories...not! I definitely feel at a stand still sometimes because while I have all the free time to be doing things like reading stimulating books and taking up new hobbies I lack the desire to do so by myself. As much as I am a homebody, I hate doing things alone...I want to try and start up a Women's Bible Study of sorts once the new year hits but lets be real--that probably isnt going to happen. As for hobbies, most hobbies for women entail some sort of craftiness--knitting, sewing, scrapbooking, etc. I AM NOT CRAFTY I know that if I tried to do one of those hobbies the whole time I would be thinking " I need to hurry up and finish this scrapbook just so I can be done" (hence over a year later I still havent turned in the layout for our wedding album) or "Thank goodness I am almost done with knitting this scarf!"

I enjoy reading but I really do miss the dialogue that comes with being a student, reading a book or article, even if its boring, and having group discussion about it. Maybe I need a book club? Who knows but I do know one thing--if I dont start doing something intellectual soon that requires even an ounce of brain power--my brain is going to turn to complete mush. Currently its starting the mushing process. Okay enough about my brain mush, on to the boring survey which I am hoping I will enjoy looking back on some day...hopefully

How far along? 24 weeks (completed)

Weight gain? I weighed myself earlier this week and had lost a few lbs but I weighed myself in the morning and I was scantily clad so I honestly could be the same as I was when I weighed myself at the dr's office in the afternoon fully clothed

Maternity clothes? I found my dark denim dressy maternity jeans! yay! I was all pumped to wear them w/ my high heeled boots to a christmas party this past Sat. and I got my boots on (which putting on shoes and socks is becoming more difficult already) and after waiting on Donnie to finish getting ready (the whole 5 minutes that took) my feet were swollen and uncomfortable and I switched back to flats before we left haha

Sleep? I am sleeping a little better since we have invested in a humidifier for our bedroom, breathe-right strips for Donnie and Donnie insulated the attic so our bedroom isnt an icebox. But the size of our bed is getting on my nerves- I have always been a fan of king sized beds but when we were shopping for our new bedroom set a year or so ago Donnie was adament that a queen was fine...well now that I have 75835948 pillows in bed w/ me there isnt any room! Donnie offered to sleep in the guest room, or even to pull the twin size bed into our bedroom so at least we were sleeping in the same room but I dont want to do that--im being stubborn and am going to try to just tough it out w/ him in bed w/ me and our multitude of pillows

Best moment this week? getting my hair cut and colored-- I have been feeling less than desirable and pretty w/ my skin being HORRIBLE and my hair not acting right and I'm trying to grow it back out so I have that struggle of the "awkward phase" every woman knows what I'm talking about... so the amazing Amy Sandfoss came and gave me great new cut and color and some new product and I feel 100% better--Amy, I dont know if you read this, but youre the best!

Food cravings? None really, still struggling on eating in general--honestly I am hoping this lack of appetite continues on past pregnancy so I can get rid of baby weight and then some! But pizza always sounds good--and hamburgers a little bit lately too

Labor signs? Braxton hicks and nothing else, thank God!

Belly button? Innie--as always

What I miss most? pathetic but smoking--It hasnt been very hard for me to quit honestly considering I smoked for oh...8 and a half years...but I just miss it...like its an old friend thats gone away...esp since they had just come out w/ a cigarette that was my perfect style...the Camel crush *sigh* those days are over I just need to stop watching stupid Clint Eastwood movies w/ Donnie that just make me want cigarettes like I'm some kind of fiend

What I'm looking forward to most? Just having little buddy here! After spending more time w/ a newborn who is so precious its disgusting I am having major baby fever and cant wait for little buddy to be here so I can just snuggy his little face!

Milestones? No real milestones this week, still hoping that Donnie will be able to feel his kicks soon. But during my ultrasound he kicked me SO HARD that I swear if I had been looking at my belly and not the screen I would have seen it move. The ultrasound tech saw it as it was happening and we were both like "oh!" It was cute and very surprising...also for anyone that knows how I dance haha the baby moves the same way! His little torso stays still and he doesnt change positions his arms and legs just move around all wiggly like Donnie got a kick out of picturing the baby dancing similar to how I do when its just the two of us at home

2nd ultrasound results

2009-12-04T16:02:00.002-05:00

So we had our 2nd...well technically 3rd ultrasound yesterday. The dr's were checking on his size since at our 20 week ultrasound he was small, well this ultrasound (I was 24 weeks 2 days) he was still measuring small in some areas.

His head was the closest to being on track measuring at 23 weeks 4 days, his arms and legs were measuring between 22 weeks 3 days and 22 weeks 6 days but the most concerning was his belly/abdominal measurements which were only measuring at 20 weeks 5 days which is obviously a decent amount behind where I am at gestationally. Thankfully he had gained weight up from 10 oz. at 20 weeks 2 days up to 1 lb. at 24 weeks 2 days (they didnt mention anything about if this was a good or bad amount to have gained within a 4 week time span--but he is gaining nevertheless)

They dont think my due date is off-- and I KNOW there is no way it is off--so the dr. at the Seton center in Good Samaritan Hospital said he is going to recommend to our midwives that we come back again in 3 weeks for another ultrasound to yet again check his growth. The doctor also had the ultrasound tech check my umbilical cord flow to see if there were any problems w/ that and it seemed to be normal which was good. The organs that they could see from the ultrasound all looked normal and healthy which is a blessing as well.

I suppose my only concern now is that being how small is abdominal measurements are that makes me assume his organs in that area are just as proportionally small if that makes any sense...which then makes me think are his organs like his kidneys and stuff able to process things efficiently even though they are smaller than the rest of his body? I may be completely off base with these assumptions but the ultrasound tech wouldnt tell us much so these will be things we will discuss w/ our midwives at my next appointment which is Dec. 14th.

Right now I am just working on trusting in God's sovereignty--this is a perfect situation for me to really trust in Him and His perfect plan for me and little buddy and to trust that regardless of the outcome it will be okay and Donnie and I can manage whatever comes our way through our faith in God. So far I have been pretty proud of myself in this situation because the old Lauren would have been an anxious mess, having panic attacks, etc. which would onl y put more stress on the baby but God has been so good to me and has taught me so much that through prayer and just turning to Him I have really been able to keep my wits about me.

Currently I am working on putting together some memory verses for labor and delivery to have as a way to help me calm down and focus on something constant and true--I really think having God's word in mind will help distract me from what will be going on--it has seemed to work in the past. So far these are the verses that have really stuck out to me:

Psalm 40:1-2, Matthew 6:33-34, Isaiah 40:31, Romans 8:28, Matthew 10:29-31, Psalm 18:2,
2 Corinthians 12:8, Isaiah 40:28-31, Jeremiah 29:11, Philipians 4:6

If anyone has any other suggestions I would love to hear them!

23 weeks and counting

2009-12-02T09:30:00.003-05:00

I am actually 24 weeks now but was lazy and busy last week with the holidays and not too much happened this week other than traditional Thanksgiving stuff so I am just going to post my little survey out of once again--laziness.

How far along? 23 weeks
Weight gain? still no idea-- I have stopped weighing myself...my next appointment is the 16th so I will find out then...
Maternity Clothes? I am on the lookout for maternity jeans that are dressier--preferably a dark wash with a wider leg and actually long enough to wear with heels maybe? (I'm pretty sure this doesnt exist at least not in my price range which is $0-$30)
Sleep? I miss my ambien is all I am going to say about this
Best moment this week? mmm Thanksgiving dinner that I had been craving and getting to spend time w/ family
Food cravings? Thanksgiving dinner and something sweet and chocolatey
Labor signs? Braxton Hicks daily still but as I said before I dont know if that counts in this category as they arent real contractions per say
Belly button? still innie--I dont think mine will pop which is fine by me since the thought of that happening weirds me out
What I miss most? Hmm a good nights rest w/o tossing and turning, getting up to pee, etc.
What I am looking forward to most? We have our 3rd ultrasound scheduled for Dec. 3rd and we will find out how his growth is going--praying for good results!
Milestones? No real milestones this week, I am feeling little buddy regularly now and he moves ALOT esp when I am on my laptop for some reason, I am waiting for Donnie to be able to feel him from the outside but I think that may be a few more weeks still even though some of his kicks seem pretty strong

braxton hicks already??!

2009-11-24T10:40:00.003-05:00

So this past week has been basically uneventful but I did get some questions answered. I had my appointment w/ the midwives on the 16th which went over my ultrasound results. I was concerned that they werent going to order another ultrasound (which I wanted one just for piece of mind about the size of the baby) but when we got there they already had the paperwork faxed in for us to schedule another ultrasound, so we have our next ultrasound on Dec 3rd. They are going to be checking to make sure that the baby had the correct amount of growth (it will have been 1 month between the ultrasounds) and to check for any type of growth restriction.

Best case scenario: little one is right on track and had a growth spurt which caught him up, worst case scenario: they arent seeing the growth they want and in that case they would schedule a more specific, detailed ultrasound to look at the flow of blood and nutrition from the placenta to the baby to make sure there isnt any problems...I am not too worried, I figure even if he is a little small maybe he will just stay in there an extra week to catch up before he comes out OR maybe I wont have the 15lb baby I'm expecting to have per family history haha

As far as other ultrasound results go, everything looked normal. They couldnt get a good shot of his face or his hands because he was moving so much so that is another reason they want the 2nd ultrasound. I'm excited because its more pics for us!! They didnt give us any profile shots the first time and the pics we got were pretty blurry so hopefully they are more clear this time. At my appointment I did get a little concerned when I told the midwife, Cheyenne, that I still hadnt felt any movement at 22 weeks. So she went to check the heartbeat with the doppler and couldnt find it for a good 10 minutes!

Of course I'm worried the whole time but then she checked the ultrasound results and found out I have an anterior placenta which makes sense of me not feeling anything and having a hard time finding the heartbeat but once she found him he was moving like crazy and punching the doppler and wouldnt you know, this past week I have been feeling him move daily and often. Usually in the early morning, early afternoon and right before bed when I lay on my side :-) It definitely doesnt feel like what I thought it would feel like and it feels really far away if that makes any sense

I also had a consultation with another OB, Dr. Bowen, well actually it was w/ his nurse practitioner. I had been debating whether or not I wanted to switch. The midwives are great, one on one, at my appointments (like Cheyenne sat and talked w/ us for a good hour about all my worries about the baby's size and stuff) but in between the appt's they stink...like really bad. They are bad about answering questions, bad about calling me back, kinda condescending, and a few receptionist/office manager people are kinda er, witchy, if you get what I mean. But the midwives themselves are really nice but the practice's patient care stinks in my opinion. So I talked w/ some other moms and decided that Bowen's practice would be the closest fit so I decided to check them out. The consultation went well, I think if I went w/ them I would get the birth experience I want but I couldnt find enough things about the actual dr that differed enough from the midwives to make the switch (which would mean a farther drive up to Glendale for the appointments and delivering at a hospital farther away)

I think when it comes to my birth plan the midwives will be able to give me what I am looking for, I just wish their practice was better in the meantime. I am already praying that I get a specific midwife for my delivery that I really like and am comfortable w/. There are about 9 in the practice and I have no guarantee who I will get but I have met most of them and they all seem nice enough. Plus I know that in reality it is alot about what nurses I get and since Ive already got dibs on the BEST nurse I know-- thanks Kate! I am confident that things will go smoothly. (Kate, I apologize in advance for wanting the birthing tub, I know it is heavy and annoying haha)

While I was at my consultation though, they went ahead and set it up like a normal appointment with checking my weight, urine, blood pressure, etc. They checked the heartbeat and my fundal height, etc. Well Ive been having really bad cramping so I asked about that and come to find out Ive been having Braxton-Hicks contractions already. I thought that when my belly got really hard like that that I was feeling like maybe the baby's head pushed up or something like his butt pushing up but after describing how it feels the nurse practitioner confirmed Braxton Hicks. Very surprising! Well that is all the excitement from the past week or so--here is the weekly survey :-)

How far along? 22 weeks
Total weight gain? -10lbs...I think?
Maternity clothes? still loving the comfy pants
Sleep? I was sleeping okay until the last couple nights my stupid round ligament pain has been keeping me up all night
Best moment this week? Knowing for sure that I was feeling the baby move
Food cravings? Thanksgiving dinner...I usually am not a huge fan of turkey, stuffing, etc. but I am big time craving it this year and I am PUMPED I get to have it twice
Labor signs? I dont think Braxton Hicks fit in this category b/c it is just contractions but...yea
Belly Button? still innie
What I miss most? Our group of friends usually has something called Ham Day every year, we do a faux Thanksgiving dinner but w/ ham (b/c us girls are too lazy to cook a turkey) It is really fun, everybody brings a side dish, usually there are about 15 of us or more and we do it the wed. before thanksgiving then go out to the bars after--well this year our friend Jen who usually organizes is living in Chicago and Meg and I are too tired/pregnant to organize and I am a sourpuss because I know I will be jealous when my friends are drinking and going out to the bar when I go home to go to bed haha needless to say we arent having it this year :-( Sadly, this tradition may be over now that I will have a kiddo
What I am looking forward to most? Our next ultrasound on Dec. 3rd, going to Cleveland for Thanksgiving and getting to see my family (and living vicariously through my cousin who is a freshman at OSU this year) and once again...Thanksgiving dinner....man, I dont think Ive ever been this excited about food before...but it stinks b/c my stomach is still so shrunken I wont even make it through 1 plate before I get full
Milestones? My baby is about the size of a papaya now--he can hear things on the outside and is starting to settle into sleep cycles (uhm..not so sure about that one) He is getting bigger and bigger and hopefully I will have some cute ultrasound pics to share soon!

the longest post ever

2009-11-16T11:49:00.009-05:00

So I have been a horrible slacker in my blogging and havent posted anything in about 3 weeks so this post is going to be ridiculously long, but I added pictures to make it a little more interesting. So I havent done my survey since I was 18 weeks, so I will have surveys (for my own records mostly) for weeks 19, 20 and 21...see--complete slacker. So I will start w/ my 19th week:

How far along? 19 weeks

Total weight gain? This week I didnt weigh myself so I have no idea if I have gained or lost, I am always convinced I have gained a ton though

Maternity Clothes? I am wearing all maternity clothes and Ive decided I'm not going to want to go back to regular clothes after the baby is here...I like having shirts that are long enough and pants that are always comfy im being spoiled

Sleep? I am sleeping better, I still toss and turn all the time but I can usually stay asleep. I have been waking up consistently everyday at 7:30 am though

Best moment this week? We had alot of fun this week at the Halloween party out at Donnie's parents. I went as a "Bump in the Road" (see pics below) but the most ridiculous was when Dave and Megan arrived dressed as....Donnie and I! lol Earlier in the week I was talking w/ Meg and she said they were going to go as a dr. and a patient and she was wondering if she could borrow my IV pole for whoever was going to be the patient...I said sure, might as well get more use out of my pole (aka Ivy the IV pole). Well apparently they were using it to go dressed as Donnie and I, As you can see Meg is sporting her sexy IV pole and XU hoody and Dave (conviently) had been doing some computer work at Donnie's shop that week and had asked Donnie's boss to borrow an "official" Plumb Tite work shirt so he had the work shirt, long underwear, khakis and workboots and a creepy flesh colored skull cap to make him look bald (thankfully he wasnt wearing it in the pic below...it was weird). and he had a pipe because OBVIOUSLY all plumbers carry around a PVC pipe (go me knowing plumbing stuff haha) So it was a huge surprise and it was really funny to see them impersonating us

Food cravings? soup--any kind, for every meal...mmm

Labor signs? none so far thankfully

Belly button? Still innie, I dont think it will ever pop

What I miss most? Just having a little more energy to stay up a little later but since I have had a lack of energy and go to bed around 9 usually its been nice to have more cuddle time w/ Donnie. We used to go out more often in the evenings so by the time we got home (late usually) we would just go to bed now we spend more time watching movies together and just hanging out which is a nice change of pace

What I am looking forward to most? My ultrasound is next week...cant wait to find out the sex!

Milestones? This week our baby is the size of a mango and is 6 in. long and about 9 oz. and the baby is begininng to be covered in vernix. I am still waiting to feel movement and am really hoping to feel something soon!

"Bump in the Road"
"Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery", Right?!

Onto the 20th week-- HALF WAY THERE!!! (well...approximately)

How far along? 20 weeks!

Total weight gain? I weighed myself this week (just so I wouldnt be shocked at my next appt.) and I sadly lost the 4 lbs I had gained. So I am back down to -15lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight. I have been working on eating more since I still have no appetite and I thought I was doing better, but guess not...

Maternity clothes? Ive realized all the maternity pants I bought from gap outlet earlier in my pregnancy werent too big at the time b/c they still are baggy in the crotch even though my belly is bigger apparently they are just ill-fitting which isnt too much of a shocking revelation since they came from gap clearance outlet but whatever they fit well enough and were only $6/pair

Sleep? Sleeping fine still and still waking up like clockwork at the same time everyday which is fine w/ me and works out well since this week I have been babysitting a 2 year old everyday who comes over around 730 am

Best moment this week? For sure finding out that we are having a little boy!!!! I had secretly been suspecting girl so we were pretty surprised! Also, getting some energy back and being "forced" to go outside and be active. With watching J (the lil guy Ive been babysitting), I have been doing something outside the house everyday (as suggested by Devon to help break up the monotony of being home all day w/ a 2 year old). So its been nice to go to the library for story time, go run random errands, and go to the park--except for our lil chalk mishap. I took J to the park, then we walked to another park which was close by, at the other park there were a few kids playing and their parents were watching them. Well we brought chalk and a few balls in case J got board w/ the play equipment. Well we did chalk for a little and J wanted to play on the slide, well I saw another little girl eyeing our chalk so I left it sitting out if she wanted to play with it, eventually she shyly walked over and started playing w/ it and her dad asked if that was okay, of course I said fine, so I'm watching Jackson and the next thing I know I notice the little girl and her dad get up and leave kind of abruptly...Well after about 15 more minutes of playing I tell J it's time to leave and we go to pick up and the chalk and the little girl and her dad stole it!! All but 1 piece!! I mean it was from the dollar store but come on..seriously?! stealing chalk at the park?! What parent stealth like goes and steals something as cheap as chalk?? If they needed it that badly I would have happily sent them home with it...needless to say, it was weird.

Food cravings? I have been craving Tuna which stinks cuz I eat my 1 can a week in the beginning then I want more plus I have a hard time eating enough protein...it would be much easier if I could enjoy tuna whenever I wanted.

Labor signs? none

Belly Button? still innie

What I miss most? Not missing too much this week, I miss spending time w/ my friends--my old group has been busy so we havent gotten to spend time together lately

What I am looking forward to most? Strangely my next appointment w/ my midwives. Our ultrasound went fine and praise God they didnt see any major problems but he did measure a little behind where he should be. He was also moving so much that they couldnt get a good picture of his face to check for cleft lip, etc. As we were leaving we were all excited and happy and giddy but the ultrasound tech chased after us b/c she had forgotten to calculate his size to tell us so we get back in the room and she starts calculating his size tells us he is little small and something about wanting to make sure the placenta was passing nutrients correctly so she goes to talk w/ the dr. at the hospital, she comes back and says he is going to recommend that we come back for another ultrasound but it is ultimately up to our midwives...I immediately start crying because all I can think about is how my baby didnt have any nutrition for the first 14 weeks and how between not feeling any movement yet, the baby being small, me losing the little weight I had just gained and all the hyperemesis crap I'm basically terrified...so I am hoping that the midwives will schedule us for another U/S just so I can be calmed. I know ultrasounds are rough estimates, I know the size of the baby has more margin for error as the baby gets older and there is less of a "this is what your baby definitely should weigh", I know that I had no control over the hyperemesis and I did the best I could it just really makes me worried and I try and remember that God is sovereign, in control of this, and has determined the health and size of my baby already but it will be nice to see his little face again if we do get another ultrasound! We also start our Bradley method of childbirth classes this Sunday so we are excited about those too! It's a 12-week series which is why we are starting so early.

Milestones? This week our son is the size of a cantaloupe! All his "family jewels" are fully formed and his digestive system is making meconium. It is still weird to think that we are having a son!! Since finding out it has definitely made me feel closer to him and I feel like I can bond more now knowing what we are having so I am glad we made the decision to find out! He was moving all over the place during the ultrasound and I am really looking forward to being able to feel any and all of those movements (I know I say that now but will be whining in a few weeks when his kicks keep me up at night haha). But nonetheless we are overjoyed and there are so many thoughts that come with having a boy...I already am thinking about what fun things we are going to do and how fun it is going to be to watch the 2 guys in my life interact it really does just warm my heart thinking about him, I just want him here...now! But...patience patience I know...

Its a boy!!! (This was my 20 week "belly pic" and the night we found out!--fun fact you will notice my closet is almost finished! Such joy! haha)

Ok, last but not least (if you are still reading by this point you must really love me and my baby)

How far along? 21 weeks 5 days
Total weight gain? still down 15 lbs but I have an appointment today so we will see what the midwives scales say

Maternity clothes? still loving being comfy

Sleep? sleeping fine, Donnie was out of town this weekend so I slept two nights alone which is not fun :-( I dont know how women who have husbands who travel alot do it (Kris-you must be braver than me, I didnt even sleep in a bed alone in my own house I went up to my parents and then spent the night at a friends house haha)

Best moment this week? Going to our Bradley classes--we have really enjoyed them so far and it always brings up really good conversation between Donnie and I. I am looking forward to how close we will feel once the baby is finally here--I'm sure it will be a completely new level for our relationship.

Food cravings? This past week I have had a horrendous sore throat that just now is going away but I did endulge in a brownie covered in soft serve which was basically amazing...but even that was painful to eat I am glad I am finally feeling better and can enjoy food again--since we never did anything for our 1 year anniversary we are going to Jeff Rubys Steakhouse one night this week to celebrate! (Donnie bought a $100 gift card for $10 from our friend that works at one of the Jeff Ruby's restaurant) Though I still have a strong aversion for steak I know whatever I DO get will be wonderful!

Labor signs? thankfully none

Belly Button? still innie

What I miss most? I miss feeling like I can trust medical professionals. So let me just step up on my soapbox for a second now: mkay, so as I said earlier last saturday I woke up to a HORRIBLE HORRIBLE sore throat like I havent experienced in years (roughly 5 years since I had my tonsils and adenoids out) So I'm miserable but I dont have a fever, no coughing, etc. I decide to wait and see what to do well I wake up Sunday still feeling horrible so being the hypocondriac that I am I went ahead and went to Urgent care b/c I am not a fan of suffering and if there IS something wrong I want to start treating it sooner than later. So the urgent care (the one on 27 for anyone else living in this area--do not go there!) staff is horrible, I wait for a least an hour (I was the 1st patient there when it opened..how it still took an hour is beyond me) 1st weird happening: they ask when my last period was (sorry for any guy who reads this haha) and I say June they say okay and go on to the next question that is when I stop and say by the way I am 21 weeks pregnant they go OHHH that makes sense why your last period was in June..uhm yeah. Next weird happening: I wait for the dr. to come in he is creepy and weird and feels my throat, listens to my chest (which he was a little too touchy feely for my liking but thats another story) and then looks at my throat and says we will run a strep test and a flu test. Ok, good. So the nurse comes in to run the tests and is looking for stuff and notices a sheet on the table that had been there since I got in the room (which is cold and dirty) it is covering something up--he looks under it...oh its just a swab/culture from someone the day before--uhm gross...so they do the cultures and both are negative (I'm not too surprised since I havent had step since my tonsils were removed) but the dr. comes back and says he is still convinced its strep regardless of the negative test and gives me a prescription for zyrtec-you know the allergy medicine, mucinex- great, since I have no drainage or congestion, and some random antibiotic..so I remind him of my allergy to amoxicillan and of my pregnancy...is it still okay to take this antibiotic? "oh I dont know, you should probably ask the pharmacist" So I leave feeling--gross lol

So I call my midwives the next day just to check about the prescription before I fill it, I talk to a nurse she says I shouldnt take it w/ my amoxicillan allergy and she would talk to a midwive and see what I should take, they say they will defnitely call me back later that day--shockingly nobody calls me back so I call the next day--still no response and then finally the 3rd day they say to go ahead and fill the original prescription and to just watch for an allergic reaction..wow I feel so comforted! Thank goodness...basically I am annoyed w/ these midwives and feel very brushed aside by them (this is not my only problem w/ them so dont think I am some crazy demanding patient) so long story not so short-- I think I am switching dr's. But I have an appointment w/ them today and will see how they handle the whole ultrasound situation...

What I am looking forward to? my appointment today actually-- for above said reasons

Milestones? This week lil man is the size of banana! He is gulping down several oz. of amniotic fluid everyday for hydration and nutrition and is practicing swallowing and digestion. And, so cool, his tastebuds actually work! This is my last weekly fruit update...the next size will be for a few weeks at a time. I am really enjoying my little banana so far! Below are some pics I thought were fun, the first is from from around 14 weeks and the second is me at 21 weeks...I think ive grown a little :-)

14 weeks 21 weeks

Boy or girl??

2009-11-05T09:53:00.005-05:00

So we get to find out the gender of our sweet little baby today!! We have our big ultrasound at 4pm and are SO excited!! We ask that everyone be praying for a healthy baby, and that Donnie and I can trust the Lord during this exciting time! We know it is all in God's hands and that He is perfect and has a perfect plan for our baby--I just want to keep that in mind today (and everyday obviously).

So, in light of the big ultrasound I thought it would be fun to use some old wives tales to help predict--so lets see how accurate these are:

I am carrying extra weight: out front or around the hips/bottom
The hair on my legs is growing: more quickly than before or the same as before
I am carrying my baby: high or low
I sleep with the pillow in my bed facing to the: north or south
My feet are: colder than before or the same as before
I: refuse to eat the heel of a loaf of bread or prefer the heel of bread
The dad to be is: gaining weight right along with me or not gaining weight
My mothers hair is: gray or not gray (natural or dyed)
I had morning sickness early in my pregnancy: yes or no
My skin is: particularly good during pregnancy or not so good
I have been craving: sweets or salty/sour foods
My nose has: spread during pregnancy or stayed the same
I have been craving: meats and cheese or fruit
The baby's heart rate is: above 140 beats per minute or below 140 beats per minute

Girl: 9 Boy: 5

Currently, I really am not leaning one way or another, neither is Donnie. Let me know what your guess is!!

yay for recalled cribs!

2009-10-26T21:54:00.004-04:00

So not too much has happened in the past week. We bought some baby furniture off Craigslist. It has been a big debacle...this whole buying baby furniture...We looked around a few places, I researched some online and we finally found a crib and dresser/changer combo we liked at Baby Depot and even BETTER it was on clearance and the style was being discontinued so we were going to get a discounted price! It was really nice too!

After spending an hour talking w/ the sales lady and finding out all the discounts that were available (including an extra 30% off since we were buying the floor model) we were going to get both pieces for $400! It was really solid, nice furniture and if we had bought it at its original price it would have been $800 so we were stoked! I was just excited to check it off my mental check-list! I love checking off the check-list even if its just a check-list in my head! haha what can I say I get joy from the simple things

Okay back to the cribs so we go to the registers to check out and they ring up the crib, I remind them of the extra 30% discount and they were like oh yeah I remember you guys looking at that set then they go to ring up the dresser and it rings up full price so they bring a manager over who corrects the price of the dresser but says that the crib is under priced...uhm excuse me ma'am...no the crib is CORRECTLY priced...she basically says that we (my mom, little sister, myself and donnie) are all "mistaken" and she doesnt know where we got that price from...hmmm maybe the sales clerk we talked to for an hour about it?!? Long story not so short, the friendly manager REFUSED to honor the price they quoted us! So of course pregnant me leaves the store huffy and crying because I am convinced our baby will never have good furniture and my back hurts from standing for an hour talking about baby furniture! and the WORST part was I had to mentally uncheck the list :-( I was very, very, very sad!

So after a week of researching and finding that there really isnt any crib and dresser we like but we find a few that we are "okay" with we find another set at a different Baby Depot for about $400, while in the meantime I have been looking at Craigslist for random baby stuff and lo and behold I find a crib and dresser/changer combo for $150 that looked like what we were going to buy from Baby Depot! So I email back and forth with the seller to find out that it is a Jardine set bought from Babies-R-Us in 2005.

So we set up a time to look at it and in the meantime I print off all the info about Jardine cribs with the suspicion that the crib was actually recalled without the seller realizing it. But in preparation for this, I find that if you have a recalled Jardine crib you are eligible for a crib voucher for a new crib (any brand) from Babies-R-Us for the highest retail value of the crib you have. So I call the company assuming you need a reciept or something, nope just all the screws from the crib so they know you arent still using it and a signed waiver saying you recognize the crib is recalled and you are not going to use it anymore so we get to the sellers house and sure enough the crib is recalled but Donnie and I buy it anyway...so now we have the dresser/changer combo and a crib voucher for a BRAND NEW crib on the way!! So we will just pick a crib to match the dresser and we can save the other $250 we would have spent on the furniture from Baby Depot ORRR I can buy a nice glider without feeling guilty :-)

As for baby stuff, I am pretty quickly racking up baby stuff without really meaning to...so far we have a crib, dresser/changer combo, exersaucer, kangaroo sling, bumbo w/ tray, baby bath, baby moniters, play-mat, 2 car seat bases, baby bedding (comforter, 1 sheet, crib skirt, crib bumper which I am using to make window valences & mobile), nursery decorations (2 pictures, 2 wall hangings, light switch cover, curtains) and a boppy on the way and probably more that I am forgetting and in total we have only spent around $200! I feel more at ease having this stuff and not having to worry as much about baby gear in general...another check...and you know how I feel about checking off that check list! I would love some input from other moms though about what are the top 3 must-haves for a new mom...leave me a comment with your fav's

How far along: 18w6d

Total weight gain: I havent weighed myself this week but I have a sneaking suspicion that I have gained alot...I regularly feel like a horse :-)

Maternity clothes: I have realized I dont like the below the belly panels...

Sleep: My fatigue is back and I regularly am ready for bed around 6:30pm...clearly that isnt happening since it is 10pm and I am blogging

Best moment this week: getting to spend some time with Meg doing baby stuff

Food Cravings:Nothing really...my nausea and vomitting have returned :-( but I have come to a few realizations that this is an opportunity for me!! My goal is to 100% rely on the Lord this time around since I was kind of pathetic at doing that the 1st time. In doing this, I am managing it much better plus I was BLESSED to have about a month with no vomitting!! I am able to handle the vomitting this time much better because I had a month to renew myself, praise God!

Labor signs: none

Belly Button: innie

What I miss the most: going out for drinks w/ friends and smoking a cigarette...curse you cigarettes and your seductive charm!---> this hasnt changed

What am I looking forward to the most: our ultrasound!! It will be so nice to know that everything is healthy with the baby and getting to find out the gender will be really fun! I think it will make this pregnancy seem that much more real to know that I will be having either a son or a daughter.

Milestones: Smalls has become amazingly mobile (at least compared to me), passing the hours yawning, hiccuping, rolling, twisting, kicking, punching, sucking and swallowing. And, the little peanuts finally big enough that I should be able to feel those movements consistently in the next couple weeks! I am getting more and more anxious to meet the baby...I cant believe I am only about half way through!

late...again

2009-10-22T14:30:00.003-04:00

So I am once again late in posting but as Ive said before the little surveys each week are more for my records...not too many exciting things have happened in the past week...at least nothing worth blogging about really

How far along: This is about my 17th week of pregnancy

Total weight gain: I actually know this now...I have gained 4lbs in the past month! I am now at -13lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight... I dunno how much longer I will be updating this part haha I am predicting that I will gain alot in the next month since I feel like I am eating like a horse (which Donnie says I'm not really especially considering I am pregnant)

Maternity clothes: I am wearing almost all maternity b/c it just looks better than non-maternity and shirts and what not arent as short since they are maternity I am hoping that I will be able to still wear some of my non-maternity sweaters for the winter

Sleep: I am starting to sleep better again which is great!

Best moment this week: scheduling our 20 week ultrasound!

Food Cravings:Everything sounds really good, like I cant watch tv commercials without wanting whatever the ad is for, but when I eat it...I never can eat more than 2 bites of whatever the food craving was and generally it doesnt taste that great...its such a disappointment!

Labor signs: none

Belly Button: innie--I hate that you can tell where my bellybutton is though in the shirts that I wear since my bump is getting a little bigger...it definitely makes me feel like a fat girl in a shirt that doesnt fit but when I wear an empire waist shirt I feel like a circus tent

What I miss the most: going out for drinks w/ friends and smoking a cigarette...curse you cigarettes and your seductive charm!---> this hasnt changed

What am I looking forward to the most: our ultrasound!! It will be so nice to know that everything is healthy with the baby and getting to find out the gender will be really fun! I think it will make this pregnancy seem that much more real to know that I will be having either a son or a daughter.

Milestones: I think I felt the baby move this week but it hasnt been consistent enough to tell whether it is baby or just random stomach movement. The two times I have felt it have been in the evening when I am reading in bed or watching tv and it kinda feels like a pulled muscle/mini-muscle spasm. If it isnt the baby I am sure you all enjoyed me describing my stomach movement :-) During the 17th week my baby is about the size of an onion--I like to think the babes the size of a vidalia onion since they are my favorite haha During the 17th week Baby's skeleton is hardening, changing from rubbery cartilage to bone, and fat is finally accumulating around it. The umbilical cord is getting thicker and stronger, and those little fingers and toes are now topped by one-of-a-kind prints.

15 and 16 weeks

2009-10-13T16:57:00.006-04:00

So I have clearly been slacking in my blogging but since I am feeling better I dont have too much to write about. I have been finding more things to do which is helping the time pass by a little faster. I have been volunteering at church on Friday's and I am going to start volunteering again at the New Hope Center on Wednesdays. I have been planning little trips for myself to help the time pass faster as well.

The first little trip I did was up to Columbus then on to Cleveland. I went to Columbus for my friend Shannon's baby shower on Oct 4th which was fun and there was a really precious 2 week old little baby there...I swear if I wasnt already pregnant I would have had some serious baby fever...can you still have baby fever when youre pregnant? I seriously cant wait to meet the babe. So after her shower I kept driving north up to Cleveland to visit my Gramma Rosie for a few days. It was really nice to just have a little change of scenery and someone to hang out with. Ive also come to realize that while I am feeling better, I still have little to no energy, it worked out quite well though for me and gram because despite being a "healthy" 23 year old I have the same energy level as her :-) We did some fun stuff, went shopping (which is generally a staple in my Cleveland visits) and saw a movie by ourselves...literally nobody else in the theater which I suppose is normal for noon on a Wednesday. I made my 1st trip to Motherhood Maternity in an attempt to find jeans that would be long enough and not saggy in my butt (since when is saggy jeans a problem for me!??! ITS CRAZINESS I TELL YOU!) I was somewhat dreading going there since Ive always heard such negative stuff about the store but this specific location had a really helpful sales associate (my gram says its because people in Cleveland arent snarky lol)

So I made the mistake of trying on their pregnancy belly to ensure that the shirts I was getting would be long enough to wear throughout my pregnancy (for as much as I was spending...they better fit the entire time!) Uhm...scariest moment of my life...lol apparently "the belly" adds 4 month or so to where you are currently at...which put me pretty close to what I would be at the end of my pregnancy...uhh not cool... I have been feeling just fat lately (not preggo yet, just fat) but after taking that belly off I felt like frickin Kate Moss...no longer will I complain about feeling fat now because I know in a few short months I am going to be feeling like Mt.Everest and wishing I had my cute lil belly back haha

Needless to say, Cleveland was fun! I stopped at the Jefferson Outlets on my way back and remembered how fun it is to do stuff by myself...shopping, going to movies, etc. I should do it more often while I am still in a place where I actually HAVE alone time...so if you see me all by myself at Danberry Dollar you will know that I am enjoying my last times of solitude..

My next little trip will probably be to Indianapolis to visit my bestie Dani...considering she is only in class 2 days a week I should probably go be a bum on HER couch and at least have company while I am watching reruns of Greys Anatomy on Lifetime :-) If anyone else has any fun ideas of little trips to take I am totally up for suggestions...I would love to actually take a little trip w/ Donnie but it would have to be somewhere we could go for just a weekend with preferably a 3 hour or less drive (Donnie is not a fan of driving 4+ hours for just a weekend)

So since I slacked so much I will post 2 surveys in this post...one for week 15 and one for week 16 since I missed those weeks and I suppose I will enjoy looking back at my 1st pregnancy week by week...orrrr not :-)

How far along: This will be about my 15th week of pregnancy

Total weight gain: I think I have maybe gained a lb or two but I havent weighed myself in a while

Maternity clothes: wearing maternity stuff mostly since my old stuff just looks ridiculous and is uncomfortable

Sleep: I am still having a horrible time sleeping...I toss and turn all night and basically wake up feeling as though I didnt sleep at all

Best moment this week: listening to the heartbeat at home with Donnie...I usually cant find it when he is around usually because I find it easier in the morning but we were able to find it together for once

Food Cravings:I apparently got over my red meat freak out...at least I can eat some ground beef now and not want to vomit and Ive been craving whoppers which is strange since I really dont like Burger King...Donnie is enjoying my late night cravings though...

Labor signs: none

Belly Button: innie

What I miss the most: going out for drinks w/ friends and smoking a cigarette...curse you cigarettes and your seductive charm!

What am I looking forward to the most: I ordered our nursery bedding and I cant wait to get it in the mail!

Milestones: Continuing the march towards normal proportions, our baby's legs now outmeasure the arms. And, finally, all four limbs have functional joints. Our babe is squirming and wriggling like crazy down in the womb, though I still cant feel the movements. Our baby at 15 weeks is the size of a naval orange at about 4 inches and 2.5 oz. Now keep in mind with the fruit and veggie comparisons that it is comparing it to the length of that fruit or veggie not the thickness.

How far along: this will be about my 16th week of pregnancy

Total weight gain: still havent weighed myself but I will find out soon enough at my next appointment on the 19th

Maternity clothes: I have finally found a pair of maternity jeans that fit well, dont get saggy and are actually long enough!!

Sleep: I have gotten about 1 or 2 nights where I wake up feeling like I didnt toss and turn all night, maybe I am turning over a new leaf :-)

Best moment this week: I thought I may have felt the first movements but I dunno...it was a weird feeling and it kept happening everytime I tried to use the doppler...kinda bubbly, swishy... it was weird sooo it was maybe baby, maybe indigestion haha

Food cravings: I dont think I had any specific cravings...deli sandwiches like always and soup

Labor signs: none

Belly Button: innie

What I miss the most: still cigarettes and a beer...sigh...(sidenote: I realized how much of a redneck I sound like listing those as the things I miss most...)

What am I looking forward to the most: our 20 week ultrasound to find out the sex of the baby!!

Milestones: My adorable little fetus is busy with thumb sucking, toe wiggling, and (not so cute but equally amazing) making urine and breathing amniotic fluid as the liver, kidneys and spleen continue to develop. Lanugo (thin, downy hair) is growing all over the body for warmth.

fun pregnancy pics so far

2009-09-28T12:23:00.020-04:00

Its Positive!!

Right after we told my parents...5 weeks pregnant!

7 weeks 6 days

9 weeks 5 days

11 weeks 6 days

13 weeks 5 days

14 weeks 5 days

13 weeks 5 days

14 weeks 5 days

14 weeks

2009-09-28T11:52:00.003-04:00

Things have been pretty good in the past week or so. I still havent gotten sick and my nausea is pretty much gone! I still feel yucky in the evenings but it is so much better! It is weird to think how quickly my circumstances have changed. Now I am just trying to get back into the swing of things and being a normal person that doesnt have a ton of restrictions.

My appetite is still pretty much non-existent which isnt good. I am really trying to force myself to eat even when nothing sounds good and get back to eating more nutritional food. My biggest struggle is my anemia and my fear of taking the iron supplements I need to take. I am just so afraid to take anything new because I feel like I am still walking on eggshells and I feel like one wrong move and my vomitting will start all over again which realistically isnt going to happen but its scary. I also have alot of aversion to meat which I REALLY need to work on because I am sure I am not getting enough protein.

This week some fears about the baby have started to kick in...like I am afraid the baby is going to have problems because of the poor nutrition Ive had for all 14 weeks of my pregnancy...I am afraid that the stress I have been feeling between being so sick but also dealing with some of the life change (i.e. finishing college, dropping out of grad school, being pregnant, new house, medical bills, etc.) is having a negative effect on the baby. I have taken so many child development classes and have so much knowledge from a professional and academic standpoint it is scary...I wish I didnt know so much sometimes because as good as it is to be well informed it also doesnt help when my mind begins to wander and I think of ALL the things that could go wrong

I really need to just trust in the Lord...and trust in Him and Him alone. I need to just really work on relying on Him and His will for me. Logically, I know me worrying isnt going to change the situation one way or another and when I think about it I start to just see the sin in what I am doing! I am essentially saying that His will for me, and all the struggles that will come with it, may not be "right" for me. However the situation ends up is EXACTLY what is right for me and I need to keep reminding myself of that.

So I am starting to feel really fat. Illogical I know, but I feel like I just have this huge pooch and I feel like I look so yuck but at the same time I am still losing weight/not gaining weight. I wish I would either look pregnant or not look pregnant, this in between time stinks.

How far along: 14w6d today (I am always such a slacker and dont update until I am almost on my next week haha)

Total weight gain: As of last Monday at my midwife appointment I was back down to an 18lbs weight loss from my pre-pregnancy weight...I am scared of when the weight DOES come back I am gunna wake up one day and be like 10lbs heavier haha

Maternity clothes: wearing more maternity stuff...maternity pants are wonderful and suck all at the same time, they fit great on my stomach but are all too loose
everywhere else I think I need to buy them a size smaller so when they stretch out after 5 minutes of wearing them they will actually fit correctly

Sleep: ahh the bane of my existence...I am NOT sleeping well at all, I cant get comfortable and I have this horrible sciatic nerve pain that feels like a hot poker sticking me in the back every time I turn on my left side....and I know it will only get worse...any moms have tips of ways of sleeping that may be more comfortable?

Best moment this week: This is really more a non-moment...no throwing up!

Food cravings: lunchmeat sandwiches and soup...

Labor signs: none

Belly Button: innie

What I miss the most: being able to stay up late and go out w/ friends w/o feeling exhausted...I have a feeling that will never come back from this point forward haha

What am I looking forward to the most: our 20 week ultrasound to find out the sex of the baby!!

Milestones: My adorable little fetus is busy with thumb sucking, toe wiggling, and (not so cute but equally amazing) making urine and breathing amniotic fluid as the liver, kidneys and spleen continue to develop. Lanugo (thin, downy hair) is growing all over the body for warmth.

its a miracle!! (long)

2009-09-18T15:17:00.005-04:00

True miracle or not, it feels like it to me...I am scared to even type this in fear that it will come back to bite me in the butt....but....MY HYPEREMESIS IS GONE!! (or done...not too sure how it works?) So...I am quickly going to do a run through of my past week and a half since I havent blogged in a while...

Tues-I get a call in the morning that my paternal grandmother passed away. She was in her 90's and had been declining for the past couple years. She was in assisted living/hospice situation and my dad has said that she definitely was ready. It is sad to think that I only have one grandparent left but I have been so blessed that I had all my grandparents for so many years. I have some very distinct memories of my Grandma Eleanor such as shopping trips with her to Forest Fair Mall...she actually bought me something from the Disney store which I can confidently say my parents would have never bought my a Jasmine barbie doll from the Disney store which made my doll all the better. Getting new clothes with Grandma and visisting her at their old house in Hamilton. She will definitely be missed and is leaving behind a great legacy.

On Tues. my older sister Devon also came to visit!! She got into town Tues. prepared with fun stuff to do and yummy stuff to make me and she brought my nephew Matthew who, if I wasnt already pregnant, would have given me horrible baby fever...he is so stinkin cute!

Wed- Devon and I ventured out to the grocery store where she introduced me to all kinds of things Donnie never thought he would see in our kitchen such as wheat germ and flax seed she came prepared with a bunch of recipes that would give me the most 'bang for your buck' if you will...basically small things I could eat that would really help me nutritionally and lemme tell you-- they worked! I felt better, my stomach was less upset (minus throwing up a banana, strawberry and spinach smoothie--it was actually quite tasty until it came back up) even MORE exciting on Wed. We had our ultrasound!! The baby looks great, moved around a ton, was so cute and the machine was awesome! You could really see so much! I got some print outs which I will eventually scan and post...or take digital pics of the pictures (ghetto I know but whatev)

Thurs- Devon and I went to the wonderful Gap Clearance outlet which was fabulous and I bought a bunch of maternity stuff that I dont quite need yet but all my other clothes were just making me feel fat and lets be honest maternity pants are so much more comfortable I dont think I will ever go back

Fri- Devon and I and Mathie loaded up w/ my mom, dad and little sister Brooke and headed up to Madison, WI (where Devon lives) to see my brother compete in his first ever Ironman! For those who dont know...ironman= insanity...it is the ultimate triathalon which includes a 2.4mile swim, 112 mile bike ride and then (as if that wasnt craziness in itself) a full marathon (26.2 miles) for a total of 140.6 miles...in one day....consecutively...as I said insanity. My brother has been training for a long time (specifically the entire last year) for this one event and he did awesome!! He finished in 12 hours 27 mins (I believe, I didnt get to see him finish :( but I heard he did great!)

Sat- We just hung out, the actual Ironman was on Sunday so we just relaxed at the hotel with my brother and didnt do too much, I will say that basically everyone at the hotel was either competing or there to cheer someone on...I have never seen so many men in spandex shorts and I have never felt so lazy in my life as people come basically biking into the lobby of the hotel as Im schlumping along with my IV pole and leftovers from lunch haha

Sun- This is when things got bad, we woke up at 5am WI time to go down to watch the start of the race, I woke up feeling like I had bad allergies and in a generally bad mood (shocking, right?! being as it was 5 am and I am NOT a morning person) So we get down to the Lake where the swimming portion is going to begin and I start to feel even worse...We waited until the race started (which is pretty wild to see 2700 triatheletes all try and swim on top of each other to get ahead...with the exception of about 100 people all 2600 other competitors start at the same time, apparently it can be pretty violent as you have adults literally swimming on top of each other) Once that was done, I threw up...then we waited some more to watch my brother at the swim to bike transition which he came to about an hour or so later...We yelled and cheered...then I threw up again...Then I started throwing up alot so I decided I should go back to the hotel at this point (8:30am) I get back to the hotel by myself, take my temp and see it is about 100.0 so I go ahead and call the home health company to see what they recommend since I cant stop vomitting and I have a slight fever, they recommend that if my temp gets to 100.4 that I go to the ER in case my PICC line is infected well I fall asleep and a few hours later I wake up, take my temp and it is about 100.2 but I am still vomitting profusely at this point Alere (home health) tells me to go to the ER anyway so Devon picks me up and takes me

When I get to the ER my temp was up to 102.8 which obviously isnt good and they give me some tylenol (oh the joys of being pregnant...) and a shot of phenergen which makes me sleep well my temp continues to go up and I start to have some warming issues at this point my Gramma (who was also in town for my brothers Ironman) was staying with me at the hospital while my family (mom, dad and little sis) finished cheering on my brother. They admitted me that night and were awaiting results for the H1N1. They put me in an isolation room and every person that came in was dressed like I had the bubonic plague or something it was quite funny.

So I stay in the hospital Sun night and all day monday and tues. afternoon they came to tell me that I didnt have the swine flu! yay! but I did have an infection in my PICC line. I cried. Honestly the thought of having to get my PICC line removed and going back to a peripheral IV in my hand was more than I could handle...having to poke myself daily again for my zophran pump...more than I could handle... I just honestly was devastated b/c my PICC line had made my life so much easier! But alas, they had to take it out because infections in a PICC line are quite serious being as it is directly going into a main blood supply and blood infections=no good

So here is the miracle, awesome God part...I know many, many, many, many people were praying. I had been praying, family had been praying, friends had been praying even people I didnt know were praying...My fever went away...completely...and stayed gone and because of this they didnt have to give me any anti-biotics! And...my nausea...gone...vomitting...gone...

I was discharged from the hospital Wed. night and spent thurs. in WI to make sure I was okay before traveling home and now I am home and still....no nausea...no vomitting...NONE SINCE SUNDAY NIGHT!!! Apparently my fever took care of my hyperemesis while it was busy making me feel like crap. Ive kept down normal food and I am drinking normally and basically feeling 100% better (still tired and a little weak but nothing compared to how I had been) I honestly do think that it had to do with people praying not only for my fever to go down but for me to be COMPLETELY healed...some may say coincidence...I think it was God...the Bible says that God wont give you more than you can handle (1 Corin. 10:13- No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man.; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you can bear, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also so that you are able to endure it). I think the Lord knew I couldnt handle the hand IV any longer my sanity was going and emotionally I could not handle going back to being even more restricted than I had already been and God, being so good, healed me and has sustained me since.

Even if my hyperemesis comes back, I will be okay. I am officially discharged from my home health company as of today and I have an appt with my midwives on Mon. and I am continually praying that my nauseau will remain managable and that my oral medication will suffice. I also am asking for prayers that if things do get bad again, I keep in mind that I am only being given that struggle because the Lord knows I can handle it!

So now that this post has become a novel I will do a quick baby update (which is kind of more for my fun little records so I can look back week by week of my pregnancy and laugh at how pathetic I was when I was sick haha)

Week 13

How far along? 13 weeks 3 days

Total weight gain? havent weighed myself since sunday but as of Sunday I was still down 15lbs

Maternity clothes? I have been wearing some mainly as I said above so I stop feeling just plain fat...I notice I have a little bit of a bump but to others I am pretty sure it looks like I need to lay off the french fries

Sleep? I havent been waking up as much to pee which is nice and being able to sleep without being hooked up to something is AMAZING!

Best moment this week? Seeing our awesome child during the ultrasound...I also got to have two ultrasounds at the hospital (not nearly as clear but still its something) It is an amazing, emotional moment seeing the life we created for the first time...it is bittersweet because we will never have that moment with our 1st pregnancy again--oh and we were able to find the heartbeat with our home doppler which was really fun!

Food cravings? Havent really had any which might be because I am able to eat more now which is nice

Labor signs? none

Belly Button? innie

What I miss most? Right now, nothing...things seem great right now!

Milestones? Finding the heartbeat at home, and getting to the second trimester!! I am so glad to know that my first trimester is over with! This week our lil nudgers teeth and vocal cords are forming and the babys intestines are moving from the umbilical cord to the baby which is much more convenient. Oh, and we skipped right on past the plum size and the baby is the size of a peach now!

11 weeks

2009-09-07T13:04:00.004-04:00

I am greatly lagging in writing my weekly updates about the pregnancy. I always seem to forget until I am already past the week I am supposed to be writing about or I am about to be done with that week. But anywho, this past week pregnancy wise has been okay. My nausea is dying down during the day but I am still getting sick and feeling like crap in the evening but I am getting pretty good at being able to figure out a schedule to try and help from getting sick. I still have my PICC line in and last time I went to see my midwives (last wed.) they said I would probably be on fluids until 14 weeks, Im not sure if this is just an estimation or if thats when they plan on weaning me off regardless...Im thinking thats more of a hopeful thought on their end b/c the time I went to see them before last they said 12 weeks and clearly that isnt happening

But my ketones have been negative which means Im not dehydrated anymore (obviously since I am on continuous IV fluids) and my weight is constant...I havent gained or lost anymore which is better than losing though I know the doctors would like to see some gain. The PICC is going well...no bad things happening there and I have started taking gummy vitamins!! Yay! While they arent the same as pre-natal vits. its better than nothing and I can keep them down! The midwives gave me the results of all my bloodwork from my first visit and I was happy to know that the baby isnt at risk for cystic fibrosis and that I am RH positive so no extra shot (hey when you get poked often, any poking you can skip is exciting) and I dont have any diseases haha but they said I am pretty anemic and they called in a prescription iron supplement that I am not going to even attempt to take until I am completely better, in the meantime Devon said she had a few ideas as to how I could get the iron I need in a way I could keep down. So we shall see when she comes on Tues! I am really excited!!

I have been getting out more, its weird to look at how much my life has already changed and the baby isnt even here yet, for example: this past Friday night, Meg and I went to Walmart and it was kind of a big deal...6 months ago our Friday nights consisted of going out for a few drinks w/ friends or having people over for a fire in the backyard and beers...now I am pumped to go to Walmart...but I dont really care that Im not going out which was slightly surprising because I really enjoyed my old lifestyle too I guess that is just another change that comes with pregnancy... the maternal instinct to make better choices for my baby

How far along: 11 weeks, 6 days

Total weight gain: I am still down 15 lbs but I havent lost anymore which is good

Maternity clothes: My clothes all fit weird...my shirts are too short because the ladies have gotten bigger and my pants are baggy and loose from losing weight except in the stomach they are tight...I bought a maternity jean skirt at walmart that was on sale for $5 and I think I may make a trip to gap outlet w/ Devon this week

Sleep: I am sleeping okay...I have to get up about 3 times a night to pee which is really really annoying but I'll take it

Best moment this week: hearing lil babes heartbeat! We got to hear it at the dr's office...we still cant find it at home with the doppler Devon lent me but it is still pretty early

Food cravings: I am starting a list of foods I want to eat as soon as I am eating normally: 1) fuji steak house fried rice, 2) Hooters wings, 3) open faced turkey sandwich....bizarre and healthy, I know, but what can I say---adding to my list 4) Penn Station

Labor signs: none

Belly Button: innie

What I miss the most: taking a shower w/o being connected to things, going out in public w/o being connected to things, moving around my house w/o being connected to things (I suppose there is a theme to this) ** same as last week**

What am I looking forward to the most: getting my ultrasound on Wed at New Hope Center!! I cant wait to see our little lime :-)

Milestones: Our baby can open and close her fists (I still think its a girl) and is developing little buds that are going to be teeth one day. Also, lil babe doesnt have webbed fingers and toes because they are starting to separate now! And the babe is kicking and squirming about in all the space she has even though I cant feel it yet! Our little babe is about the size of a lime this week! Getting bigger...!

put off complaining put on thankfulness

2009-09-06T16:26:00.002-04:00

So, I've been feeling convicted lately and this Sunday's service (though it wasnt much preaching) really made me think about some things, specifically how I have been a trophy of grace throughout my pregnancy and hyperemesis experience. And to put it simply, I have NOT been a very good example. While I havent done much outward complaining (though others may disagree) I have had a heart full of complaining and self-pity and frustration with God that I had no right to have.

When Brad talked today about how our biggest problem (our sin problem) has already been taken care of and everything else is just life essentially I realized that I had been forgetting that God is completely just in letting me and having me go through this difficult time. Furthermore He would be completely justified to let it continue throughout the entire pregnancy, or even worsen. Instead of being thankful that God is giving me grace upon grace to deal with it everyday all I am thinking about is how its not fair that I have to go through this. It's not fair that I dont get to have joy in my pregnancy because I am so sick, I dont get to think back fondly to my first pregnancy with happiness, I dont get to feel all lovey dovey towards the baby inside of me because I am just too sick. Well, honestly, that is such crap.

I have missed out on the joy that has been there all along!! God has blessed me with a healthy baby this far, a truly healthy baby! The simple fact that I am able and was easily able to concieve a baby is a true miracle in itself. There are thousands of women who pray daily to just be able to concieve and here I am throwing that miracle to the wayside because I am uncomfortable. I yet again am face to face with an idol and I am choosing to focus on the idol and not the amazing God I have. Only this time, my idol creeped up on in me in the concept of an ideal pregnancy.

Ideal....what does that even mean? Shouldnt a healthy baby quantify as ideal? I am truly disgusted with myself at how easily I let myself slip back into the "woe is me" game. Honestly, I am not a "trooper" I am not "just getting by"...I am saved! My biggest problem is taken care of, I have a healthy baby, a great marriage, an awesome home and food on the table (even though I may not be able to enjoy that food just yet...its still there). What do I really have to be complaining about?! I went back to a book I really enjoy to regain a little insight, "Lord, Change My Attitude...Before It's Too Late" by James MacDonald, and man I forgot how great this book is and how much truth it has in it...here is a little taste of his blunt writing that helped give me a little kick in the butt to get back on track...

Complaining is an attitude choice that if left unchecked will wither my capacity to experience joy and genuine thankfulness…complaining questions God’s sovereignty! To complain is to say in effect; “God, You blew it! You had a chance to meet my expectations, but You couldn’t handle it! Nice try, God- close but not close enough”. Complaining about adversity- that’s the worst kind of complaining there is. “Why do I have to go through that? Why must I endure all this hassle when life goes so smoothly for them? I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired: when will all this end?” “My trial….my hardship….my lot in life…my misfortune” All this nauseating noise rises to the very ears of God. Every one of us has a measure of adversity, and God Himself is the one who measured it out. And for that reason, every person has something in his or her life that God doesn’t want to hear complaints about. All the grace and strength you need to experience joy and victory is available to you, but by choosing to complain, by clinging to the idol of a perfect life (pregnancy)…YOU ARE FLUSHING AWAY THE GRACE OF GOD.

So TRUE! So from now on, Im asking whoever reads this blog, to help hold me accountable...Help me to see when I am being a pitiful trophy of grace. Help me remember that what I am going through is just a tiny little taste of the suffering Christ endured for ME!! For complaining, sinning, ungrateful, me. God is just so good!

the love of my life

2009-08-31T19:34:00.008-04:00

So I meant to do this post on our anniversary but I was really sick so here it is now...

We had our 1st wedding anniversary 2 Sunday's ago (aug 23rd) and it is crazy to think that we have been married already for a year! Its even crazier to think that we have been together for 5 years!! When I think back, I still cant believe that I met my husband, the man I am going to spend the rest of my life with, when I was 17 years old...only a jr. in highschool! (granted, he was 19...such a cradle-robber haha) I always joke that a month after I met Donnie, I told him he was the man I was going to marry and shockingly that didnt send him running for the hills. Donnie helped teach me what real love meant after I had spent my high school years dating numerous guys (not very many winners in that batch). He helped me realize that real love meant respect, sacrifice and perserverance...pushing through even when times are tough. I still love my schmonald as much as I did those 5 years ago and he is still teaching me so many things and definitely keeping me on my toes ;-) He was and is and will always be my best friend. Here are a few pics of us throughout our relationship...be warned some are a little ridic.

This pic is out of sequence but it was cute...this was when Donnie proposed Oct 13th, 2007. He totally tricked me and it was the best proposal ever but its a long story...for another post...
This picture was taken roughly 2 and a half weeks after we met. We met May 28th, 2004. We look like such babies in this pic! Donnie still has that t-shirt but I have stolen it and wear it to bed...I have long since outgrown the t-shirt Im wearing haha

This was our first christmas together 2004, this pic documents the one and only time I got Donnie to take me ice skating.

This pic was from my senior year spring break down in Ft.Lauderdale, FL in 2005. That trip was ridiculous and was the start of me realizing that I was so ready to be done with high school and move on to college...

This pic is from my high school graduation 2005, Ursuline Academy has the girls wear white dresses (a tradition passed down through the generations) we get a dozen red roses from the most significant people in our lives (my parents at the time) and we get crowned with a laurel wreath as a sign of victory...I think this pic is cute b/c its the 1st picture of Donnie w/ me wearing a poofy white dress ;-) hint hint

This pic was from Valentines Day 2006, it was taken in the hallway of Kuhlman dorms where I lived freshman year.

This pic was taken Halloween 2007, while I look a little inappropriate (I know, dont preach to me apparently I was dressing to attract not dressing attractively ha!) this pic is just too good to pass up. Donnie was Dog the bounty hunter....clearly...I made his fancy fringed faux leather vest and we came across the wig very last minute hence it looking somewhat tranny-like

This was taken in the summer of 2008, it was one of our professional engagement pics. Loved them!

Awh, us 1 year ago! This was taken on the lane where I grew up, this is one of my favorite wedding pics.

This pic was taken on an open jeep tour we took on our honeymoon in St.Lucia. We actually went on our honeymoon in Jan 09 b/c of my school schedule which I am so glad we ended up doing b/c we really appreciated the vacation by the time January rolled around. (p.s. I got burnt from sitting out reading twilight...not cool)

And that is our relationship through pictures, and since I end every post with a survey I figured I should do the same for this one:

What is your husbands name? Donnie (schmonnie, the boy, babe, smelly) Glenn

How did you guys meet? technically through Sam Grguric (long story) but our 1st meeting was at the ole bramble house (i.e. Dave Gautrauds house)

How old were you when you started dating? I was 17, he was 19

The first time you saw him you thought? wow, I love a boy in jeans and a white tee (luckily I still do since his wardrobe still is 90% jeans and white tee's)

Who asked who out? Donnie asked me out after "talking" for about 2 and a half months

Where was your first date? Our 1st true date was the night he "officially" asked me out (wow I feel like I'm in highschool again) Benihana's downtown and a carriage ride through the city...so romantic (did any of the sisters help him plan this??)

Where was your first kiss? the 1st night we met on Dave's front porch...yowza we were wild! haha

Did your husband ask your parents permission before proposing? yes, my little sister said when Donnie came up to my parents by himself and my parents took him into the formal dining room she knew what he was going to ask...apparently my older sisters husband did the same

How did he propose? Long story short....he proposed at Ault Park but when I went there, I actually thought I was going to see Megan get proposed to by Dave...I actually helped plan my own proposal without knowing it! Donnie knew I wanted to be completely surprised, yet he also knew I was so nosy I wanted to know every detail before! and he did just that! man, that boy knows me too well!

Did he cry? HA! nope...in all 5 years I have NEVER seen Donnie cry...I think I have only seen him tear up maybe 3 times total...I'm hoping he can squeeze a tear out for the birth of our child

What was the favorite part of your wedding? The ride up to the reception after the wedding...it was just the two of us in my toyota corolla and we were both just so giddy and happy and i dunno it was the best!

Do you celebrate monthly anniversaries or just yearly? Well apparently we dont even celebrate yearly since I was vomitting this year but really I think we will make up for it once I'm better...I always tried the monthly but that gets a little ridiculous when you are celebrating your like 25th month anniversary

Does your partner call you by any nicknames or pet names? Hmm..babe, wifey...nothing too original

What do your parents think of him? Pretty sure they love him more than they love me lol

Memory of him that sticks out the most? Not long after we were dating, I started going to a support group for survivors of sexual assualt...at the time my anxiety was so bad that Donnie would drive me, wait in the car for the 2 hours I was there, and take me home...he waited in case I got too anxious and uncomfortable and wanted to leave early...he did this once a week for roughly 15 weeks...within those 15 weeks he would write me little notes and leave me them hidden in my car for me to find later in the week...the first time he ever said I love you was in one of the notes that I found...he didnt want to lose the courage to tell me to my face so he wrote it in a note and it was the most adorable thing...i still have the note and sometimes get sappy and read it :-) This was when I realized that his actions meant love, and that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him...

Where do you see your relationship in the future? I see us having more kids (yes, I know I do want more kids despite this horrible pregnancy thus far) and just learning each other more and more...its going through hard times that you really see what love means

Better late than never...

2009-08-31T15:25:00.006-04:00

So I have been very lax in my blogging this past week but I've been busy...hahaha...yea right but I did have a "busy" weekend. On Friday, I went over to Krissy's w/ the other Glenn girls which is always fun. Kara and I discussed our wonderful catheter experiences and laughed as we were drugging ourselves on the couch :-) It was nice to get out and I got to shower because Kate brought me some saran wrap...now I went to an all girls school and was used to being kinda dirty but after a few days I was really feeling not so good and a shower was JUST what I needed. Devon (my older sister) swears that this experience is just God's way of preparing me for parenting...the whole getting up 4-5 times a night (granted its to pee but its still really annoying), not showering a whole lot, having to drag a bunch of crap w/ me everywhere I go, having not much of a social life, etc. After 5 weeks of this, I'm feeling pretty darn prepared (all current mothers reading this feel free to laugh at that statement--I am saying now you can remind me of this ridiculous thought when I call you in tears 7 months from now w/ a screaming newborn) Friday evening Donnie and I ventured over to Dave and Meg's house to hang out where Meg and I realized that alot of our thoughts revolve around food...hmmm

On Sat. my bestie Dani came down from Indy w/ her husband Dan (I know..Dan and Dani=too presh) to visit. Dan and Donnie went down to Paris, KY to go to Bud's Guns and Pappy's Guns (why cant any gun store have a normal not hillbilly name???) Dani and I just chilled and talked and later watched Twilight together for about the 15th time (this time we were true fans and watched it w/ commentary haha I love my 7th grade crush on Edward...I mean...Rob Pattinson)

Sun. I went to church, IV pole and all! I was really anxious about it which is ridiculous and really a pride issue (in thinking that people would stare) and shockingly it wasnt as bad as I thought it would be. Overall, this was a VERY busy weekend for me (which is kinda sad considering my past lifestyle...or maybe this is a good thing?)

In more exciting news, Devon is probably coming to visit next Tues.!!!! I am so so so excited!! and she is bringing Matthew with her so I can get plenty of baby snuggle time which I rarely get w/ my nephews. It really is giving me something to look forward too AND to make that week even MORE exciting I am getting an ultrasound at New Hope Center on the 9th!!! Woo hoo!! I am sure that seeing my baby will really help me gain some true perspective on this whole situation...I think overall Ive been handling this pretty well but I know that I will definitely feel a shift once I get to see w/ my own two eyes the life that is growing inside of me! Man, God is so good!! Just thinking about all the amazing work He is doing in me right now just is overwhelming...so overwhelming

Onto medical news (which I'm pretty sure only family is interested in) I am still on the IV fluids 24/7 and my zofran pump. I got a PICC Line this week. The procedure was done this past Tues. and really wasnt as bad as I was worrying about. It was done at the hospital and they numbed my arm a little and pain wise it wasnt so bad, I could feel the wire as it was being threaded through my shoulder and to my heart but it didnt hurt, just felt funny. The PICC line is much easier to handle, less "maintenance" and doesnt get messed up as easily since it is intended for long term use. And the best part is my Zofran pump can be plugged into it so I dont have to prick my stomach anymore which is a relief because it is covered in welts just from the two weeks I had to do that. Also, I wont have to get stuck for anything so if I need to get any blood drawn or anything like that they can do it through the PICC. I had some anxiety when it was first put in because the thought of a catheter going from my arm to my heart freaked me out and the incision site where the tube sticks out is kinda big but my home nurse covered it up w/ some antibiotic stuff so I cant see it and now that its been a few days the whole thought of it doesnt freak me out or make me nauseous anymore. I have a doctors appt on Wed and I am hoping they will have an idea about when I can go off the IV fluids but as for now the home care company keeps sending supplies so it may be a while...but I am starting to get okay w/ that...less frustrated...and this post is getting kinda long sooo....

I will do my 10 week survey thingy which is kinda late since I'll be 11 weeks tomorrow but whatev...better late than never so here goes...oh and Ive been taking belly pics every week...they are pretty boring since Im just all bloat but maybe I will get around to posting them on here soon...

How far along: 10 weeks, 6 days

Total weight gain: This week I was down 17 lbs, but I gained back 2lbs so now I am down 15 lbs again...I have a feeling as I start to gain my weight back this survey question may slowly disappear haha

Maternity clothes: still wearing just my yoga pants and t-shirts but I can wear normal clothes again b/c my zofran pump is now in my PICC line so I dont have anything in my stomach! But after wearing jeans to church yesterday and having them be saggy everywhere but the belly where I thought the buttons were going to fly off I may need to invest in either a bigger sized pant or maternity pant...moms- what do you think? Would it make sense to have a pair of jeans a size bigger for post-partum wear or just go straight to maternity pants?

Sleep: Donnie and I are sleeping in the same bed again :-) I have gotten over my fear of having IV's ripped out so we are back to sleeping in the same bed...and I am back to being annoyed by his snoring

Best moment this week: getting able to spend some time w/ friends

Food cravings: I am starting a list of foods I want to eat as soon as I am eating normally: 1) fuji steak house fried rice, 2) Hooters wings, 3) open faced turkey sandwich....bizarre and healthy, I know, but what can I say

Labor signs: none

Belly Button: innie

What I miss the most: taking a shower w/o being connected to things, going out in public w/o being connected to things, moving around my house w/o being connected to things (I suppose there is a theme to this)

What am I looking forward to the most: since I am trying to take things day by day and week by week, I am looking forward to my Dr's appt on Wed. Hopefully it will be good news!

Milestones: Awh, our baby is a prune! and is now considered a fetus too! (I dont really like that word though, so I will continue using baby haha) Lil Pruney is developing little teeth and other things like the stomach is making digestive juices, the kidneys are producing larger amounts of urine and if the baby is a boy (as Donnie hopes) he is making testosterone.

Two for one...

2009-08-21T11:04:00.004-04:00

So, I just realized that I never actually posted that last post b/c shortly after I was finished writing it Pam showed up and we went to the ER...again...I wont explain the whole story but I will say that it was not a good day and I was ready to pull my hair out....the health care system=horrible (I wont go into details b/c that would be an entire post). So I am back at home, needless to say, hooked up to an IV until probably Sunday (so please dont stare at the pathetic woman on Sunday wheeling her IV pole down the hallway at Grace haha)

My dosage of zofran has been increased twice and they added phenergan into my regular arsenal so now I take that on top of the zofran in the evening. Oh, I also got to experience the joy of catheterization...not once...but twice only to find out that I, in fact, have no UTI AND to make it even better the antibiotic I had been taking for the past week (you know...the one that made me vomit profusely) was actually being taken for no reason since I DIDNT ACTUALLY HAVE A UTI!!! shgkjhsdglkjhsdal.....not that im frustrated or anything haha

On to better things, while in the ER they did an ultrasound albeit it was a very brief, not very well done ultrasound but I sound the little heartbeat flicker for about 2 seconds so that was nice :-) its good to know that lil babe is okay through all this...oh and I love when doctors describe my baby as a parasite in relation to hyperemesis ("oh youre baby is fine, its like a little parasite right now, sucking all your nutrition and hydration...so its fine...you will just feel a lil crummy") little crummy...right

Let's see, nothing else is new...we got a new desktop computer (thanks NKOL!!) so hopefully now I dont have to deal w/ my laptop crapping out every other week....what else, oh, this Sunday is our 1st wedding anniversary...yay! oh wait, we wont be doing anything since I cant eat and I am hooked up to an IV. There is always next year or I can just make Donnie celebrate one of those made-up holidays like Sweetest Day in Oct. as a do-over for our missed anniversary haha Oh, and I am 9 weeks! So here is the little survey:

How far along: 9 weeks, 3 days

Total weight gain: I am down 15lbs as of my weight this morning...

Maternity clothes: actually I have had to buy a few things. This was mainly b/c I didnt have anything dressy to wear for the baptism and I cant wear my comfy dresses anymore b/c of my pump. Also, with where my pump is located non-maternity pants just rub against it so I live in yoga pants at home pulled up halfway up my stomach :-) pretty sexy, right!?

Sleep: sleep is an interesting feat with an IV and a pump...donnie and I have had to sleep in separate beds and I have to sleep w/ pillows all around me so I dont move but praise the Lord for phenergan and its drowsiness side effect

Best moment this week: Seeing the heartbeat flicker, cant wait for a real ultrasound or being able to use the doppler my awesome sissy lent to me

Food cravings: Anything other than nasty bland boring food...I'm so sick of toast!! (same as last week)

Labor signs: none

Belly Button: innie

What I miss the most: feeling like a normal human being...I sometimes forget I am pregnant and just feel like I am just a sad, sickly, pathetic person who will never get better haha

What am I looking forward to the most: the end of morning sickness!!! and if everyone could pray I am really hoping to be able to eat normal food by my birthday on the 2nd!

Milestones: Lil babe is growing like crazy during week 9 and is about the size of a green olive. By 9 weeks most of the aspects of our baby's physical structure such as head, arms, legs and torso are in place. Little one is actually starting to resemble a miniature human being (one with a very large head!). Because the baby's organs and limbs are forming, in the next few weeks Lil Babe will be putting on weight. The baby's tail should have disappeared by now, and (how awesome is this!) our baby's organs and muscles should be functioning on their own. It's hard to believe that something so small can function so completely isn't it! God is SO GREAT!

Defeat

2009-08-17T10:27:00.004-04:00

So I figured I should probably get another post in before my IV gets put back in since it makes typing more difficult and a little painful. So here are my updates, (and I will warn you, I did not have a good night and already a not good day so this post may be a little more hostile/depressing than usual haha) anywho, I went to Wisconsin for the weekend to visit my sister and brother in law and for my nephews baptism :-) All in all, I am glad I went for the simple fact that mentally and emotionally it helped me a little bit (at least for the time being).

Donnie and I made the trek up there Friday evening...it took us over 9 hours...it is supposed to be a 7.5 hour drive... Needless to say I had some HG (hyperemesis gravidarum) issues. I had a lot of nausea on the way up and we had to stop because I was having IV issues and then I had pump issues and after all was said and done we finally made it up to Madison around 3am (4am our time). On Saturday I woke up around 6:30am (WI time) because I had to change my IV bag. Of course, this cannot be an easy task. For some reason the tubing and clasps I had refuse to work which means I cannot un-do myself from the IV to say change my clothes and I cant flush my IV tube which needs to happen when I change my bag. So I wake up Donnie (poor, poor Donnie but he did get to go back to bed) and he cant get it undone, up until this point he has been the only person to be able to unscrew it which is very problematic seeing as he is gone most of the day and I am stuck at home by my lonesome. So since Donnie cant get it, I have Jeff try and Jeff cant get it either which results in us having to use PLIERS...yes thats right...ridiculousness at 6 in the morning.

So I get it all changed and Saturday was a fun day. I actually left the house because my nephews were participating in a duathon which was completely precious. William (who is 2.5 y/o) ran the 50 yard run and did fantastic haha pretty stinkin cute to see 20-25 2.5 yo little boys running like their lives depended on it. Then Andrew (4.5 yo) did the 50 yard run, 200 yard bike and 50 yard run which for a little kid is pretty good PLUS Andrew was kicking butt riding his two-wheeler while alot of the kids were still on training wheels or even tricyles. Even though it was a little awkward b/c I had my IV and pole with me at the park I was glad I went and it got me up and out of the house which hasnt happened much. But later in the evening I noticed my hand swelling up, I call Alere (home health care people) and let them know. Since I was feeling better by this point and my ketone levels(if they are present it means you are dehydrated) were down and I had gained back 2lbs!!! they decided I could just take the IV out!! SWEET LITTLE JOYS OF MY LIFE!! I was so so so so so excited to be able to get rid of that stupid IV...it was REALLY cramping my style and so irritating. So I did okay and my hand eventually went back down last night (they think the IV either came out of the vein or poked through the vein and was putting fluid in my hand instead of the vein hence the marshmellow man hand). Sadly, come late Sat. evening I start to feel a little weak, my allergies got bad and by the time I went to bed I was feeling a hot mess.

I wake up Sunday and I was pretty sure death was upon me. No kidding, I barely had enough energy to make it upstairs to get ready for the Baptism. I get ready, take my Ketone levels (they went back up to a mid-level) and I attempt to eat an apple which comes right back up (of course). So we get to the Baptism and I make it through the whole ceremony without falling over from exhaustion (I was Matthew's Godmother which meant a little more standing) Everything was really nice w/ the ceremony and Devon had planned a little party afterward for family and close friends. It was nice and I actually ate a little food (which was real sad because everything Devon made looked so yummy but I knew I couldnt handle much) by 11:30am or so I was feeling like death so Donnie and I left early. We made it home around 9 or so (ky time) and then it got bad...real bad... sick like I havent experienced sick. So after being up all night vomiting and such I finally slept for a few hours but woke up feeling equally horrible. And here I am now waiting to figure out what to do and praying that the IV can actually be hooked BACK up! Who would have thought that I would have missed the lil bugger...

I'Ve really gotta get out of this house haha

2009-08-13T21:13:00.002-04:00

So the home health care nurse came today and I got set up w/ my IV and zofran pump. Much to my surprise the 3 bags a day I need to do for the next 3 days are 8 HOUR BAGS!! Which, for those not so good at math, means I will be hooked up to an IV for 24 hours a day until Monday. It was a little overwhelming to hear that news but...not much I can do about it.

The zofran pump stuff went well, minus the whole having to stab myself to get the pump started. For someone who has had piercings (including piercing my own ears and bellybutton) and tattoos I figured this would be cake...no problem...its about the size of a push pin and I just need to jab it into my stomach...ok...so I just need to do it...and I am sitting there holding my flabby belly in my hand and I just couldnt do it...then the anxiety set in..I got a little teary eyed but I was a big girl and sucked it up and pushed it in. Of course after I did it I realized it doesnt really hurt at all but its more the thought that is a little scary. Luckily I wont have to do it again...for another 2 days.

That is all that went on today...I am trying to not type too much being as the IV is hooked in to my left hand and the glendale girls are coming to keep me company for a while :-) Then I get to go to Wisconsin tomorrow! Yes, I am the crazy who is going to bring her IV bags and pole with her to Wisconsin for the weekend...but I cant wait!! Cant wait to get outta this house!! WOO HOO!

a lil scared, a lil excited

2009-08-12T21:58:00.002-04:00

So tomorrow I start my home health care, I am pretty nervous to be honest. I weighed myself today and I've lost another 3lbs so now Ive lost a total of about 10lbs. Its weird, for the first time in my life I'm not excited about losing weight. Apparently I just need to get pregnant and the weight just flies off. lol.

Anyway, about the home health care starting tomorrow...I'm pretty nervous about it. I will be getting both the IV fluids and the zofran pump. Neither seem too exciting. I am currently waiting for all of my meds and supplies to come via fed-ex and then the nurse will come over as soon as I get all the supplies. The nurse said I will be getting three bags for the next three days which will put a dent in my plans of going to wisconsin this weekend for Matthews baptism. I am still going to try and go but we will see how much of a hassle it will be and how I am feeling.

I am having a really not good day today so this post may seem a little more negative than usual. I am really struggling w/ staying positive and upbeat. The whole having to stay home everyday and feeling HORRIBLE everyday and literally not leaving my house for days...yea if you couldnt tell I am getting a little lonely and overwhelmed and depressed and a bunch of other not so good things. So any prayers would be greatly appreciated...and poor poor Donnie is my only other human contact on most days so he gets to come home to a weepy, needy wife haha but he is handling it in stride and doing his best to be helpful which I greatly appreciate.

Ok, enough pity party for one post, today I was very proud of myself because I cleaned the bathroom, guest room and living room! Granted, I about passed out in a heap of fatigue and exhaustion but it helped me feel a little more normal, to ya know...clean. lol I cant even begin to tackle our kitchen which hasnt been cleaned since the amazing Kelly came over and cleaned it for me (thank you Kelly, youre the best!!!) Im leaving that task to Donnie...preggo sick girls+ cleaning nasty food dishes=toilet haha you get the picture.

I suppose that is all the update for today, I will post more after the excitement of tomorrow. Oh and Kate, thank you in advance for all your nursing help tomorrow, I know it will make me feel more comfortable to have family helping me. Plus it will help me not have a meltdown :-) Well, off to watch the Notebook with the hubs, he just looks so cute watching chick flicks by himself on the couch :-)

Is there like a microwave pregnancy...instead of the crock-pot kind?

2009-08-11T22:04:00.004-04:00

Yes, I am using the age-old analogy of a "bun in the oven" but I do feel as though my baby is slow-roasting, taking its time growing...a crock-pot sort of method if you will. Yes, I should "enjoy" being pregnant but clearly those who believe this have not experienced the joy of hyperemesis gravidarum. :-)

But in all seriousness, I figured that I should join the blogging world as a fun way to keep everyone updated on the pregnancy and just the overall excitement that exists at the Glenn house. Currently, the excitement level is at 0. haha. We are so excited about the baby but our lifestyle has seriously changed in the past 8 weeks. As most of you know, Donnie and I are pretty social people and now we...arent. This is largely related to the HG (hyperemesis gravidarum) and my inability to go more than an hour without puking. It is an adjustment but I suppose it is Gods way of preparing us for the change that will be here in March. Not that I think all parents just sit at home and do nothing, I like to think I am realistic...(while some may say for me reality=pessimism, I disagree). I do know that we will probably never have the same lifestyle that we did, which honestly is probably a good thing.

But as for the pregnancy updates: today I went to the ER again for more fluids (and I got the joy of discovering I have a UTI to make my day just a little better...please note the sarcasm). I had two bags (which I think is 2 liters of fluid). I also had some IV zofran. I felt better a little and I havent really thrown up since leaving, just alot of dry heaving. I talked with the CNM (certified nurse midwife) and I am in the process of having home health care set up so that I can get IV fluids from home (which will be great to not have to go to the ER which is expensive and time consuming!) and I will probably be getting a zofran pump which will help me have a pretty constant flow of medication. I am actually hopeful that this will help. I figure it cant get too much worse so that must mean that things MUST get better. I am starting to come to terms more with the idea that I am going to have a few more weeks of sickness, it can get overwhelming to think about. But that is the dish on what is going on now. I will update tomorrow after I get more home health stuff figured out but for right now I am feeling okay :-)

I found this lil questionnaire that I thought would be fun to fill out once a week so here is the 1st one:

How far along: 8 weeks today

Total weight gain: I'm down 7-8lbs as of last tues. I dont like to weigh myself...shocking, right?

Maternity clothes: not yet, I am bloated but all my clothes are still fitting just not looking as cute

Sleep: I cant get comfortable which is frustrating so I toss and turn all night, it already is uncomfortable to sleep on my stomach (but I think its more from having a 24/7 stomach ache from puking so much) I am praying I can fall asleep tonight ( I didnt fall asleep until 4 am last night!)

Best moment this week: The 20 mins I had of enjoying the amazing peach milkshake Donnie brought me from Sonic...sadly it only stayed down 20 mins. but it was a GREAT 20 mins :-)

Food cravings: Anything other than nasty bland boring food...I'm so sick of toast!!

Labor signs: Obviously none, this question will be boring for the next 7 months (God willing)

Belly Button: Cute as always haha but this also will be a boring question for a while (God willing haha)

What I miss the most: being able to just eat and enjoy food and feel normal. that and an ice cold bud light lime on my back patio :-/

What am I looking forward to the most: the end of morning sickness!!! and getting to hear the heartbeat

Milestones: I am 8 weeks now so my baby is a little raspberry! Lil babe's eyelids, ears, upper lip and the tip of the baby's nose is forming. Lil babe is also sprouting webbed fingers and toes this week AND the lil babe's heart has separated into 4 chambers and is beating at approx. 150 beats per minute. Cant wait to hear that little heartbeat!

The Real Reality

Maggie Jo's Birth Story :-)

MAGIC Convention 2011 Part 1 (LONG!)

Summer 2011

*insert creative title here*

Season of Sickness

Feb?? I though it was January!

another first checked off the list...

ohh oh we're half way there...

boring

how he loves us

a short one for once

a day off from being a grown up

busy busy

Little Peanut

slacker

Short & Sweet

My Birth Story

1 month update

such an amazing God

back to the beginning

edit to previous post

pictures galore

no backsies!

so clearly...there is no baby today

Lord, You have assigned me my portion...

so THATS why I'm here

the REAL update

good news/bad news

its the final countdown....

skinny lil chicken legs

Pay it forward!

sneaky sneaky

the LONG awaited ultrasound results

ultrasound

about tomorrow...

still maturing

What To Expect...When You're Expecting A Preemie?

fast food society

1 week down, 1 to go

updates from the perinatologist

letter to baby

Update to L&D bedrest

the REAL results

26 weeks and quick ultrasound update

25 weeks & Ultrasound results!

24 weeks

2nd ultrasound results

23 weeks and counting

braxton hicks already??!

the longest post ever

Boy or girl??

yay for recalled cribs!

late...again

15 and 16 weeks

fun pregnancy pics so far

14 weeks

its a miracle!! (long)

11 weeks

put off complaining put on thankfulness

the love of my life

Better late than never...

Two for one...

Defeat

I'Ve really gotta get out of this house haha

a lil scared, a lil excited

Is there like a microwave pregnancy...instead of the crock-pot kind?

insert creative title here